Variable Attraction

Sometimes, I think I see a trend in the kinds of people I find myself attracted to. Other times, I just think to myself, "Wtf? Why do I find them attractive?" or "Why don't I find them attractive?" (Granted, personality is major factor in my overall attraction to someone.)

I've always been attracted to feminine ciswomen and masculine cismen. There was never really any attraction to gender-nonconforming cis people or transfolks. It's been like that for most of my life. Especially with femme, blonde ciswomen.

But I've noticed recently, in the past year or so, that I'm finding myself more and more attracted to gender-nonconforming folks. Mainly androgynous or masculine-presenting ciswomen.

It's weird to me because I don't see myself as feminine or masculine. But I know I lean more toward masculine. Or at least I used to. But yeah, I just never found it attractive before, possibly because I saw myself that way. But now, I think after experiencing life and getting to know people, I've opened myself up to more possibilities?

Maybe I'm coming to the realization that I'm just attracted to people who are comfortable in their skin and aren't assholes about it :) haha.

I think it's also going hand in hand with me becoming more comfortable with my gender expression. I mean, I've been relatively comfortable with it. I still don't really know if I see myself as feminine, masculine, androgynous, or what. I'm trying not to focus on that too much. I'm trying to focus instead on just feeling comfortable in my expression, via clothing, hair, etc.

I think because I don't know how to describe myself and I don't feel like I quite fit into boxes perfectly, people won't find me attractive. Maybe that deterred me from finding certain people attractive. Because I don't think I'm their type; so give up and ignore before trying?

Blah. Must focus on myself. Be happy with myself. Finding people who are happy with who I am and how I express myself will be secondary.

Navigating happiness, insecurities, self-love, and self-esteem issues is hard. But I suppose this will be worth it in the end.

Feeling Uncomfortable.

I feel like I should know the answer to this. But if I participated in some religious ritual, but I felt uncomfortable or even violated anyway, am I reading too much into it? Am I the one sexualizing the ritual? Maybe it's a part of the ritual. How would I know, if I'm not familiar with this ritual?

I dunno how I'm supposed to feel. I just know I felt violated. I wasn't raped. But there was a bit of physical contact that I wasn't comfortable with. But I didn't say anything. Because what do I say to the face of a Buddhist monk who's supposed to be celibate and above all these human desires? What if he really is just performing a ritual I've never heard of and that specific physical contact is a part of it?

Except I'd done this ritual once before. He didn't do the same act then. And my mom had been present. The second time, she wasn't. A part of me is wondering if he did do it the first time, and I forgot; but I'm certain I would have noticed him touching me.

My mom wants me to do the ritual again next Saturday. I never told her about the last one (I never tell her about these kinds of experiences). I don't want to go. I just don't feel safe.

If I tell her I don't want to go, she'll just think I'm a faithless delinquent with no regard for my own life and fortune. If I tell her why I don't want to go, I fear that she won't believe me; she'll downplay my feelings and call it confusion and a lack of familiarity with Buddhist practices. Except I don't think she had ever heard of this cleansing ritual until she found this temple. I certainly hadn't.

What if she doesn't believe me? What if she thinks I'm making shit up because he didn't openly fondle or grope me? What if she thinks I'm reading into it wrongly?

Even if I am misreading his actions, I still don't want anyone, especially a man I don't know, to touch me like that. Even for a brief moment. Even if it's supposed to cleanse me. Even if other people think I'm overreacting. I don't want that.

But I fear she won't see it like that. She'll just see it as me shirking my duty as her daughter to follow her instructions.

I don't know how my mom would react if I told her any of this. Honestly, I don't think I've ever thought she would believe me or be on my side in any of the situations I've been in. I really believe she'd find a way to tell me that it was my fault. She does it in every other situation, like whenever I had car issues; I brought it upon myself somehow when the truck reversed into my car. So if I tell her I felt violated by a monk that she trusts, I feel like she won't believe me or she'll somehow blame me for feeling that way.

In the back of my mind somewhere, there's a thought that she'll believe me but tell me to just not give him an opening to touch those parts of me. Or she'll stay in the room and I should still do the ritual.

I want to say no. I don't want to go.

But I don't know if I have the resolve to keep saying no and to deal with her putting me down. I wish I knew how to not internalize everything she says to me. I love my mom, but sometimes it feels like she's thrashing me from the inside with her words and her looks.

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I think I will tell her I won't go. The thought is making me anxious. But I can't go through that. I thought about it. You know, do it once more to see if it happens again. Once is whatever, but twice is the start of a pattern, right? But I don't want to go through it again just to decide if I should feel comfortable or not. I don't feel comfortable.

Damn, I haven't felt this anxiety in such a long time. I used to feel it whenever I'd ask my mom for permission to do anything. It would take me hours, sometimes days, to work up the courage to ask. Permission for such small shit, and it always felt like I was asking her to not punish me.

I hope I find the courage this time. I hope I have the resolve. I'm an adult, but I still feel like a child with my mom. I'm an adult when she thinks I fucked up; but I'm a child otherwise.

How the fuck do other people do this? How do you tell your parents you think you were violated by someone they trust? How do you make them see that it's not some minor issue and that you're not overreacting?

I've always thought survivors were brave for coming forward. But I never truly realized the immense courage it required. I am lacking in courage. Why? Because this wasn't rape; it wasn't coercion; I don't know if it counted as groping or fondling. It just feels so minor, not serious enough. I don't know who would take it seriously. I don't even know if I completely take it seriously. Because what's the point if the people, who should take it seriously, don't?

I just don't want to be near someone who makes me question my safety, even if they wear an orange robe and are revered by everyone else.

Adding on to the previous post...

When someone asks why it's okay for women to refuse sex but not okay for men to refuse sex, I have to facepalm.

ಠ_ಠ It is not okay to force a woman to have sex. It is also not okay to force a man to have sex. In general, it is not okay to force any person to have sex. Agreed? Good. I don't know why there's a disconnect here.

When a woman does not consent to sex with a man, our heteronormative society calls her a tease, prude, or bitch. If she is raped, society says she wasn't raped because she "asked for it" and secretly wanted it. If it believes she was raped, it says she should have fought back.

When a man does not consent to sex with a woman, our heteronormative society calls him a fag, pussy, or again bitch. If he is raped, society says he wasn't raped because "real men can't be raped"; he secretly wanted it. If it believes he was raped, it again says he should have fought back.

A woman is told she should accept her rape because she looks like she wants sex (read: she has a vagina and is near men). A man is told he should accept his rape because he looks like he wants sex (read: he has a penis and is near women). We might not focus on the same excuses for men and women, but we're all essentially told the same thing.

So tell me wherein lies the double standard when neither gender is supposed to refuse sex. And when sexually assaulted, people don't want to believe us because our clothes or our genitalia supposedly imply consent.

Reading about the Amber Rose consent conversation with Tyrese and whomever. Reading the Fb comments. People aren't taking her words seriously because of who she is.

"Why would you be naked next to a man and refuse him sex? If he rapes you, you deserved it because you led him on and put yourself in that situation."

ಠ_ಠ No. No. No.

This is why marital/partner rape still isn't taken that seriously. This is why sex workers who are sexually assaulted or raped aren't taken seriously.

And don't get it twisted. Before you say it's a double standard based on gender, we never said it should be okay for men to be sexually assaulted. Our society laughs at men for not enjoying sexual advances made by women. That's NOT okay. It's the same damn issue as women being told they should be okay with sexual advances made toward them because of the way they dress.

Men are told to like sex because they are men who should have a "normal" sex drive.
Women are told to like sex because they are women who look/dress/act like they want to have sex.

That's the fucking issue. Society treats people like they aren't supposed to have any agency and just act accordingly to their gender. Fuck that.

Mini Rant: Women and "Men's Work"

Oh, fuck the bullshit that women have it easy and men have to take on jobs that women don't need to. Fuck that bullshit.

I've applied and interviewed for jobs that are typically for men, and I've been rejected because I am female. I was eventually hired for one; when I started, the company decided the job was not for a female and put me in the office despite the fact that that wasn't the job they hired me for.

When companies refuse to hire women for a "man's job," it's not women refusing to be in the field of work. It's not women having it easy. It's not sexism against men in the workforce. It's people perpetuating the idea that women are too weak and can't make it in a blue-collar world. Men apply for blue-collar jobs, and they get those jobs because they are men. Women apply for them, and interviewers literally laugh at us and think we're joking or delusional -.-

So before you say work-related deaths and injuries are higher for men and complain about feminism not caring about men, maybe consider why it's so skewed in the first place. There are more men in these jobs because people won't hire women. If there aren't that many women hired in these fields, why would other women try to work in these fields? What are the fucking chances women would have to get hired? Why bother?

Instead of complaining that women don't want to work these jobs, hire the ones that will!

I probably strongly dislike my job.

I was a mostly-A student, but I've never felt smart.

School taught me how to follow the rules and pass tests. I don't think I learned how to create my own. I don't know how to think on my feet.

The workforce wants innovative people. I just know how to think inside a pre-defined box. Even if I find the courage to step out of that box, where the fuck do I go?

I feel stuck. Again. I've trapped myself here. And I don't want to help myself get out because I'm too scared.

I don't know what I want to do. I just know I don't like my job. I used to think I'd be okay just working some job and getting by. But now I don't feel that way anymore. But I don't know how to figure out what I want to do.

To be honest, I just dislike my job because it has been changing too often and it now requires me to interact with people outside of my team. Even if it's just email interaction, I can't stand it. I don't know why. Before, I was emailing members of my team. Now, I'm emailing a few more people. It's such a minor change, but it feels like my mind and my body are having a major adverse reaction to it. And I can't make my mind not react the way it does.

What is wrong with me?

My mind is all over the place again. I'm unhappy with my job, but I feel like I'm only unhappy because it's slightly pushing me out of my comfort zone. It's just a small test. A normal person would learn the new work and get used to it.

A lot of people would be willing to take my place at this job. Maybe I should let them. I surely don't want this job. I just need it.

----

I just want some peace of mind. I want to feel like I'm doing work that actually adds some good into this world. But I also want to make enough money to live comfortably.

But again, I'm too afraid to explore. I don't know where to start looking. I'm afraid to fail. But I also feel like staying where I am is slowly killing me.

I either need to suck it up and do something soon or just wait until I explode to do something haha. I should make the healthier decision, but you know I've always been the opposite of smart and courageous.

Sometimes, people are just broke and broken. They get stuck in it; they get out of it.

Broken things get fixed, thrown out, forgotten, or made into something new. Sometimes, we fix what we broke; other times, we fix what we didn't break.

We're constantly breaking ourselves and each other. Who's supposed to fix us? Should we take responsibility for the people we've broken? Are we supposed to feel responsible?

My Lack of Creativity and Passion

I've never really felt like a creative or original person. Even when I was a little kid, making art or telling stories. I just looked for patterns or formulas that worked and repeated them. I created what I thought I was supposed to create. For the grade; for the good impression; for learning. (I learn well through repetition.)

My life is routine, but I made it that way. I don't give myself ways or seek any avenues to express myself or inspire my creativity.

I've always felt like I lacked a lot of things. Creativity, passion, dedication, motivation, confidence, courage. I've had plenty of great people in my life who did their best to fuel the fire and inspire me. I have always been amazed by their enthusiasm and passion. I thought I had felt inspiration many times; looking back, I don't know if I ever really did.

Teachers and friends were always encouraging me to explore and try new things. So I've tried new things here and there. I've enjoyed most of the activities I tried. I was actually pretty decent at some of them. I was a quick learner when I focused. Many times, I have thought, "If I keep this up, I could be a pro." I enjoyed feeling accomplished. But I never developed a passion for anything.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough to find my passion. But I really never felt strongly about anything I did.

The most extreme feelings I've had were for my relationships with people. But I don't think I can really compare that to the passion people feel for their hobbies or work...

When people are passionate about something, they put their time and effort into it. I can do that too but only for a little while. My passion, or inspiration, or motivation, isn't self-sustainable. I don't know how to convince myself that what I currently enjoy is what I want to put my time and energy into for the long run.

----

This could explain why I'm so attracted to people who are driven and passionate about something, whether it's a sport or a cause. They have what I lack. They feel something I wish I could feel.

When I think of passion, I think of a fire that's continually fed (inspired). When I thought I had a passion for something, it was really just campfire that I didn't know how to make or maintain.

Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe I'm too lazy. Maybe I just haven't come across my real inspiration yet. Maybe I'm too comfortable being uninspired.

----

My life is routine because I made it this way. My excitement comes from occasionally straying from the routine or even just changing it up completely. But my life centers around routine.

Where is the creativity and the passion that everyone else seems to have?

Or maybe I just feel stuck in my life right now, and it's making me rewrite my memories and forget what creativity and passion feel like. Haha maybe.

Poly + Mono

If a partner can bring up the topic of monamory into a polyamorous relationship, then a partner can bring up polyamory in a monamorous relationship. Just saying. I feel like virtually no topic should be off-limits or taboo, in any good relationship.

There are no ethical or moral issues with polyamory or monamory themselves. The ethical issues lie within how the relationships themselves are constructed and maintained by the people involved.

I have to admit I was never big on the idea of dating or loving more than one person at a time. I always thought of it as cheating, "sanctioned cheating." And back then, my definition of cheating was really narrow.

But the past few years of meeting and getting to know different people and learning about new perspectives has opened me up to a lot of things, polyamory being one of them. It is not cheating. It is not inherently selfish. It requires a lot of honesty, thoughtfulness, and communication between partners and non-partners, whether it be direct.

I've become much more open-minded to the possibilities of non-monamorous relationships. Not saying I would definitely jump into anything; but I won't knock something if I haven't tried it.

People are constantly getting into arguments about whether people should be mono or poly and how to do so properly. I think these arguments can be healthy, but most of the time they're just vitriolic and full of shaming. Everyone has their own idea of how love should work. Except love rarely works how we think it should. And we learn this through experience.

Most people, who have been in relationships, have been in monamorous ones. Fewer people have been in poly. It's safe to say the number of successful poly relationships is smaller than successful mono relationships, and it's not because poly can't work. Every "failed" relationship ends for different reasons.

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I don't remember the purpose of this post haha...

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Personally, I have no strong feelings about poly relationships. I've learned to see them as I see any other relationship. Like, some folks only have one best friend, and others have multiple best friends. Sometimes, the multiple best friends are best friends with each other. Other times, they're not; they might be non-best friends with each other, or they might not have ever met each other. I generally don't love any of my friends less than I love others; I might just love them a little differently and share different parts of me with them.

I imagine poly relationships work similarly. But every relationship is unique, despite how much it may resemble another relationship.

I find myself, as I have for most of my life, to be more inclined toward monamorous relationships. It's difficult for me to be interested in more than one person at a time. Except it has happened. This past year. As I noted in another post. So it's not unfathomable to me anymore. I think I'm honestly open to the idea. Would I actively pursue it? Probably not. But I wouldn't shut it down without giving it any thought. But it would also depend on the person(s) I'm interested in.

If I did attempt to participate in a poly relationship, it wouldn't necessarily mean that I would always want a poly relationship. Nor would it mean that I would never want one again if that relationship failed. It really just depends. On a bunch of variables: the people involved, the timing, our schedules, our mindsets, our values, our communication skills, etc. The circumstances are always going to be different and always changing, even within any given relationship.

That is also why I think it's bullshit when someone blames their partner for "changing the relationship" or "changing the rules." People change. Beliefs and values change. Relationships should adapt to accommodate whatever changes can be accommodated. That's why we should always communicate openly and honestly. When somethings comes up, we should work with our partners to address the issue and try to resolve it. Otherwise, the relationship won't get very far.

And any relationship that doesn't change, grow, and adapt over time could (but not necessarily) become stagnant.

----

Lost my train of thought again...

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I think this extremely simplified version of my every-changing life philosophy pretty much applies to how I want to approach relationships (and everything else in my life):

Do you; find or make your own happiness.
Follow the Golden Rule; making your own happiness shouldn't damage other people.
If you do damage, hold yourself accountable.
Give without expectations of return; I like to be pleasantly surprised.
Fight for a resolution not a victory.
Love how and whom you love; don't regret love.

Whether I do these in a monamorous or polyamorous relationship, I hope the people in my life can understand where I'm coming from and support me.

----

This post is not what I initially intended. But I really don't remember where I was taking this. I suppose I'm just trying to be open-minded, and I hope I meet people who are just as open-minded and willing to learn and explore. At least open to discussions. I want to at least talk about it, even if I'm not seriously considering it.

I'm big on the whole "anything can happen" perspective. I don't want to limit anything just because I'm unfamiliar. I'll discover my limits as they appear rather than setting them before anything can happen. Of course, I say this, but who knows if I can practice what I preach? Haha :P

Shaming Is Educating

I don't like to shame people. I've never been a fan of shaming people. I apologize if I have ever done that to you, but it was not my intention. I might have called you out on something because I wanted you to learn about that something. Unfortunately, I don't always know how to introduce a lesson. So I probably came off as a parent who doesn't know how to raise their kids respectfully and calmly without using fear tactics, or negative reinforcements.

I'm still learning.

I think shaming is the worse way to educate anyone. To change anyone's mind.

No doubt that it can be effective. Quickly effective. If we want quick and easy results, shame is the way to go. But really, I don't think those are the results we actually want.

On the surface, the person shamed might do what we want them to do. But at the core of that person, do they really believe in what they're doing? Do they know why they're doing it? Sometimes, yes; sometimes, no.

If we choose to do or not do something out of fear or shame, have we really thought about the reasons why we do it? Have we come to our own moral conclusions, or have we only become the result of someone else's or society's operant conditioning?

I personally find it way better to have an informed conversation about a topic. Give the other person my perspective, give them options to consider, let them decide if they would want to adopt my perspective. Give them food for thought.

Yeah, it definitely is a slower process, and they might end up not adopting my perspective. That's fine. I don't want to change people; I just hope they can be open-minded and give themselves a chance to learn. And if there is room for change, that change is on them and is their own doing.

I prefer that we educate others and ourselves and learn through our empathy. When we choose to do or not do something out of empathy, it speaks more to our moral character.

Personally, what I think: If you do or do not do something, like harming another person, because you're afraid (of prison, society, God, or whatever punishment), you're not making a moral decision. If you do or do not do something because of the effect it would have on others, you are making a moral decision, and that says so much more about you as a human being than your fear or shame does.

Why you do what you choose to do, not what others make you choose, shows your character.

While I applaud boycotts and protests for their effect on change, I admire the change that comes from the respectful conversations even more. Boycotts and protests are effective on the larger scale; they create awareness and quicker changes on the macro level. It's the millions of small conversations between individuals that, in my opinion, create the longer-lasting and more potent changes on the micro level.


Why did I write this post? I'm tired of witnessing people spewing vitriol at celebrities for their very public, often misguided or ignorant actions. Yes, that includes the Kardashians. Celebrities get so much hate because they are in the public eye, as if they're not allowed to be as initially ignorant as any other human being. "Go educate yourself, [insert derogatory name here]. [Insert unnecessary accusations or inflammatory remarks here]" Instead of saying that, why not be the person to effectively educate them? At the least send them in the right direction. Attacking people usually isn't the best way to get someone to understand your perspective. It just makes it seem like your perspective isn't very understanding of others, which is the real problem in many situations in the first place.

But hey, this is just my perspective. I might not be seeing the whole picture myself. Which is usually my issue. I'm more of a micro thinker than a macro one :P

So Offensive

Too easily offended? Yeah, I think, as a society, we always have been. Or really just as people. Anyone could get offended by anything. People from different nations or cultures can offend each other. People who live a block apart can offend each other. Sometimes, it's genuinely monumental disrespect. Other times, it's such petty bullshit.

I personally don't even consistently get offended by the same things haha. But I am becoming consistently more aware and mindful of other people. Or trying to.



Words are abstract and neutral. Words alone do not do anything. They are inert non-things haha. We assign meaning to them, usually as a collective.

The intentions behind the words we use are abstract as well, but they make an impact on people. The intentions, or even the perceived intentions, are provocative.

I think we just need to pay attention to how we affect the people around us. Don't walk on eggshells. But be mindful of your own impact. If others' little off comments can affect you, yours can do the same.

People's small comments greatly changed me when I was younger. They still do, but I try to be more deliberate in my changes now.


There's this whole big thing about over-sensitivity, trigger warnings, and millennials being easily offended "pussies."

Generally speaking, while I think it's good that we are becoming more aware of others' sensitivities and feelings, I also think we are becoming more prone to overreacting to many things. There are so many different situations with varying circumstances that even my blanket statement really doesn't mean much.

I was going to go into all these arguments I've heard lately because I think most people are making good points. Even if they are being assholes because they don't care about the person they're arguing with. Which makes me wonder why they're arguing with the person in the first place.

But anyway, I think I'll just end this post with the following:

I will show people as much respect as I feel they deserve from me. If they are offended by anything I say, I will react accordingly. By accordingly, I mean it really just depends on the situation. I don't know if I would apologize, especially if I haven't actually done anything other than share an opinion whether fact-based or not. Though, I'm hoping most of my opinions are backed up by facts or my own experience. But who knows? I could be a terrible person making shit up haha.


[This post is all over the place... I just want to say everyone should do what they want. If we're not hurting anyone, let us be. Likewise, if someone is offended, let them be offended. Who are we to tell someone they shouldn't be? But I'm sure this falls on deaf ears anyway because someone will always want to win the war on whatever this issue is.]

Housemate medical emergency

I need to work on my selective hearing/hearing comprehension, be more aware of my surroundings, and control my panic. It's disconcerting to realize you couldn't discern someone's call for help. It's more troubling to feel like you're thinking and moving so slowly while trying to help them.


So this morning, I got up late, rushed to get ready, and drove toward work. My car was making a weird noise whenever my car moved, and I thought something might be stuck in my wheel or fender. I stopped the car to check but didn't see anything. I decided to go back and work from home just in case I was damaging my car by driving it. On the way home, I realized the noise wasn't consistent and seemed to momentarily stop whenever there was a dip in the road. Something has to be dragging. I eventually decided to look at the undercarriage instead of just taking the car to a shop. Lo and behold, part of a tree branch was stuck, just on the inside of my right tire. I pulled it out, and the noise was gone. Since I was home and I didn't want to deal with the later traffic, I just decided to stay home.

I started my work and then took a mini break to eat breakfast. Matt and I talked for a bit in the kitchen. The homeowner's uncle talked to me a bit too. Matt went to work, and I went back to my room to do more work.

After a while, someone's voice broke my concentration. It was Alden, another housemate. Why do I hear his voice? Why is he talking so loudly? I couldn't understand what he was saying because there are at least two walls and a hallway between our rooms and we're at the opposite ends of the hallway. I assumed he was talking loudly on the phone, but his tone sounded weird. I didn't know why it sounded weird; it just did.

So I decided to walk down the hall and slowly pass by his room just to see if he was really saying anything or if I was imagining his voice. I didn't hear anything. I walked to the kitchen. As I was opening the fridge door, I thought I heard a voice again. I stopped and waited. Nothing. I closed the fridge and walked back to his door. Silence and then some mumbling.

Maybe he's sleep-talking. I waited and didn't hear anything else. I walked back to my door and waited. After hearing nothing for a while, I figured it was just sleep-talking. As I was closing my door, I heard more mumbling coming from Alden's room. And for some reason, the only word I could clearly hear in that moment was "help." I opened my door, stuck my head out, and heard more mumbling. And a very clear "ambulance." "Help" and "ambulance." I grabbed my phone and immediately walked back to his door, knocked, and asked if he was ok. He responded, but again I couldn't understand. I could only clearly hear those two words. So I told him I was opening the door.

He was lying on the floor on his stomach. He asked me to call the ambulance for him. He had fallen, couldn't get up or move, had been vomiting, and had been calling out for help. He said he'd been on the floor for an hour.

I got out my phone. I stared at it. I don't know why I stared at it. I was telling myself to call 911. I have the SJPD emergency and non-emergency numbers on my phone. I eventually got to the number and called, but it felt like I was moving in really slow stop-motion. I felt like I couldn't think or move. I could only parrot the dispatcher or Alden to give the dispatcher the pertinent information. I followed his instructions and thanked him.

I talked to Alden and let him know an ambulance was on the way. I apologized that I couldn't move him or help him get his clothes on because I didn't want to risk injuring him. I cleared the stuff around him so that the paramedics could get to him more easily.

The fire department arrived in 5-10 minutes since they're basically down the street from our neighborhood. I couldn't answer their questions because I barely know Alden. This was probably the tenth time I've ever spoken to him. So I just stood aside, waited, and listened. The uncle asked me what happened, and I told what little I knew. The guys asked Alden questions and checked his vitals.

Maybe it was the state I was in, but I felt like the lead responder wasn't very friendly. Also sounded a little condescending. Just his tone with Alden. But again, I was not in a good mindset, so maybe I misinterpreted his tone. Maybe he can't be that friendly when he's doing his job.

The ambulance arrived, and Alden was loaded in. I asked the first responder what was gonna happen now, wondering if there was anything else I needed to or could do. "What's gonna happen now? We're taking him to the hospital. That's what's happening now. After that, I don't know." I thanked him. And they left.

And that was that. They didn't take his phone or anything with them. So I'm not sure what's gonna happen from here. I hope Alden at least remembers someone's contact information.

But yeah, this was my start to the day. Since then, I've been in bed thinking and overthinking as I normally do. I'm trying to figure out why I felt like I was moving so slowly. Like I was moving through sludge. Like my brain shut down.

I'm glad I went back home. Because who knows how long he would have been on the floor before someone heard him? Who knows what would have happened? Time could have been critical. The uncle had heard him early on but assumed he was on the phone talking to someone; and the uncle was about to leave the house for a while too. I had assumed he was on the phone too, when I heard him later. But his tone just sounded off. Now, I realize his voice sounded distressed. But I couldn't pinpoint it at the time.

Anyway, I'm hoping it's not anything life-threatening :/

This really scared me. I was nearly oblivious to his calls for help. My reaction made me wonder if I'm gonna be like this every time there's an emergency. If so, how dependable can I really be, if I'm gonna panic and have to remind myself to stay focused and to move? If this had really been a time-sensitive situation, things could have been really bad.


For now, I'm trying to remind myself that I heard him and he's in a hospital. Things are okay... Now, I'm just hoping for the best.

I'm also wondering why this is affecting me so much. It feels... debilitating to think about this, but I can't help it.