Still anxious and lonely in 2020

People have been saying that 2020 has been an apocalyptic year. Australian bushfires, COVID-19 pandemic, recession and stock market crash, Black Lives Matter, murder hornets, hurricanes, three of the largest US West Coast fires. Plus, we're hearing more about human rights violations and atrocities around the world (e.g. government responses to BLM, Uyghurs in China, Hong Kong protests and security law).

It's weird that we react like this stuff was only happening this year. Everything happening now is a consequence of everything happening before it.

Thinking about the world and the state that it's in, I can't help but think we were already and always in this situation. Being stuck at home with less to do just means it may be harder to distract ourselves from the world. Some folks are reinvigorated in their actions to promote some kind of change in response to what's happening now. Some people want everything to go back to the way it was before 2020, but doesn't that just mean the events of 2020 would repeat itself? Or maybe no matter what we do now, history will repeat itself anyway; so what's the point?

I think the point is that we at least tried to make things better. Change something, even if it's small, because we know something wasn't working before.

----

The world makes me anxious. The news makes me anxious. My thoughts make me anxious. My anxiety has been manageable.

I'm still talking to my therapist. Thank all of the intelligent thinkers and inventors who paved the way for video conferencing. Thank humanity for developing psychotherapy to help itself.

I won't lie though. Sometimes, therapy makes me anxious too. Like I learn or discover things about myself that I thought I already knew or had already ruled out, and they just hit me harder than I would have expected; and I just feel frozen. How do I face these discoveries? How do I address them? How did I miss them? How did I overlook them? How did I misinterpret them? It's a spiraling path of thought.

At this time, I'm facing my loneliness again. It's something I have acknowledged before and proactively worked at. Learning how to be okay by myself and not seeking others to distract myself from loneliness. But now, it seems I've gone to the far end of passively isolating myself (again). I still talk to my friends through group chats, but that's limited in itself. And when I have difficult moments that I struggle through, I reach out to them. But not always. Do I not trust my friends enough to reach out to them every time I'm struggling? I know I trust my friends. I guess maybe I worry that my friends will get tired of having to help me, even though I know through experience that they will always find a way to help me and to be there to support me. And that's all I ever really ask of them. Maybe internally, I'm hoping for someone to magically take away the erratic thoughts and feelings, even though I know I'm the only one who can make a difference in my actual mind. My friends can only do so much from where they are; they can't go into my head and change anything. So maybe it's not an issue of trust; maybe it's my unrealistic expectations. I know the limits of what my friends can do for me, but I still want more because I'm not sure I can do enough for myself.

I still don't trust myself. I don't believe in my own strength. Or I do believe; it's just not a consistent belief. I forget what I'm capable of. I've brought myself out of dark places. I've risen up from rock bottom multiple times. Even if it felt temporary, I've been capable and strong enough.

A moment of weakness is really a moment of strength because you fight for the next moment. If you can look back on that difficult moment, that means you had the strength to make it to the next moment.

I tell my friends that because I truly believe it for them. I want to believe it for myself.

----

I still have moments where the symptoms of anxiety suddenly appear out of nowhere. But I know they're not out of nowhere. I have to consciously focus on the triggers and acknowledge they just happen; don't let my brain believe in any non sequitur thoughts. Those long moments of random fireworks shooting in September don't mean anything, except people celebrating Labor Day; I'm not in any moment other than that; I'm not having a panic attack during the EDC fireworks. The sudden icy cold feeling on my skin is just my body sweating in reaction to something that I'm not consciously aware of yet; I'm not disappearing from reality. My current experiences of anxiety are just a lot of talking myself down from these intense and irrational what-if's.

I miss being able to listen to music and not worrying about if the music will trigger something. I have to actively choose the difficult music to listen to and walk myself through the music. Last year, I had to stop listening to a lot of my favorite music (Rezz, Kaskade, Sasha Sloan) because they kept triggering weird fears and memories of trips. But I'm back to listening to most of my favorite artists again. I haven't listened to Rezz's EDC 2019 set yet though. That's still the one that I'm unsure of because my panic attack started during that set. But I was able to listen to her Room Service set back in April. I meant to listen to the EDC set soon after, but I kinda have been avoiding it. Need to be brave. Sometimes, listening to a random artist still triggers some fear (reality suddenly feels unreal). My initial reaction is always to turn the music off, but I'm trying to get myself to just sit in the discomfort a bit and remind myself that it's just music. Reality isn't changing; my anxiety is affecting my perception of reality; it is what it is; just let it be.

----

2020 has been a year. Not the worst for myself; 2019 was the terrifying one for me, but 2020 has given me some things to think about. It has amplified the loneliness that I thought I was managing okay. How do I address the loneliness without simply ignoring it or distracting myself from it? I'm still trying to figure that out. My anxiety is better than it was a year ago, but it's still there. I question why it's still there. Why can't I let it go? Why do I feel like I'm holding onto my anxiety?

Maybe I need to go skydiving and face my mortality again haha.

Thoughts on recent state violence (BLM)

My head is all over the place; I don't know how to organize my thoughts or even where to share them. When I try to engage strangers in discussion on public Facebook posts, no one responds to me. Or if they do, they stop after my first or second rebuttal. I'm tired of that shutdown in communication. I'm honestly not trying to debate anyone on the facts of what's happening during the protests because none of us are participants of the protests being discussed; and this kind of discussion just becomes a murky pool of he-said-she-said since we don't trust each other's sources. I'm trying to reason with people on why Black Lives Matter is legitimate and worthwhile, and their arguments essentially boil down to something like "Your methods (arson, looting) suck, so your message (BLM) sucks. The feds should beat and arrest all of you."

----

We can agree a bad actor is not a protestor. If the average person is able to logically separate bad actors from peaceful protestors, then why can't the police and federal agents do that as well? It seems some people are claiming that violent force must be used in response to the bad actors hiding amongst the protesters. Okay...

If the officers and agents know who the bad actors are, then they should go after the specific bad actors in a lawful manner; there is no need to go after the peaceful protestors who haven't committed any crimes. Picking nearby people off the street, detaining them for hours, and then releasing them without any charges kinda tells me they don't know who they're looking for and are just grabbing anybody off the street.

If they don't know who the specific bad actors are, then why are they going after anyone at all, especially people who have been shown to be peacefully protesting or just recording the events? Why are tear gas, batons, and kinetic impact projectiles being used against protestors if someone else, the bad actor, is causing damage or harm? If someone committed arson in any other situation and you didn't see who started it, you don't just turn to the person closest to you and start beating them into submission because you don't know if they did anything.

I thought officers and agents were supposed to be trained on how to catch suspects with the least amount of harm caused to the general public. This was what I was taught through the media. If you have a suspect running away from you in a crowd, you don't shoot into the crowd just to get that suspect, unless you think everyone is a suspect and therefore is subject to the same level of force, despite not knowing anyone's level of involvement in any alleged crime. And just in case you weren't sure, while officers and agents are busy rounding up the peaceful protestors instead of the bad actors, the bad actors will continue to cause damage and harm.

I think it's just strange to claim that the violence of some people justifies state violence against all people. It seems like a fear tactic and a diversion tactic meant to deter people from protesting at all and to keep people's focus off of the BLM message of the protests and more on the general state response to the protests, the irony of which is that the protests are against law enforcement's use of excessive force against the Black community.

----

Since it is well-documented in American history, civil disobedience (à la MLK, John Lewis, Rosa Parks, and many others) is a tried and true method of protest for minorities.

Acts of civil disobedience are disruptive and illegal; the purpose is to break laws to draw attention to injustice. Unfortunately, this also draws in the bad actors who are not necessarily in support of the cause (the 1960's non-violent protests also had bad actors employed by the government and others). So the state response is expected. The question is: Is the state violence against the civil disobedience justified? You can't say that the recent state violence is only in response to the street violence occurring during the protests. If that were the case, peaceful protestors and observers wouldn't be targeted.

And if the state violence against civil disobedience is technically justified under current law, I definitely think that needs to be changed. How does it make sense for the government or anyone to punish everyone for the actions of the few that they don't know how to catch? And you can't turn this logic around on our response to police brutality with "Why punish all police officers for the actions of a few bad officers?" We're not seeking to punish all officers. We're seeking to punish the ones who've caused harm and murdered people. We're seeking to change the system that allows police officers to commit crime and murder with impunity and allows their mistakes or ill intent to be overlooked just because they have a badge.

If we are to have law enforcement at all, we need to have a system that we can trust to punish criminals fairly and equally, regardless of their skin color, wealth, or job title.

----

I needed a break from my emotions and from the ridiculous defenses of indiscriminate state violence. So I read about civil disobedience from the Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy: https://plato.stanford.edu/entries/civil-disobedience/. It's an interesting but somewhat long read. It's a summary of philosophical perspectives; what else can you expect?

Here's a paragraph that underscores my understanding of and reaction to "If people just follow the law, then they won't have any problems" 🙄:

"On the assumption that people have a pro tanto obligation to follow the law (or at least those laws that are not excessively unjust), it follows that people then have a pro tanto obligation to use the proper legal channels of political participation before resorting to illegal methods. On this view, civil disobedience can be justified only when employed as a last resort. But since causes defended by a minority are often those most opposed by persons in power, legal channels may be less than wholly effective. Moreover, it is unclear when a person could claim to have reached the situation of last resort; she could continue to use the same tired legal methods without end. To ward off such challenges, Rawls suggests that, if past actions have shown the majority to be immovable or apathetic, then further attempts may reasonably be thought fruitless and one may be confident one's civil disobedience is a last resort."

----

2020 has been an intense and confusing and terrifying and edifying year so far. COVID-19 and Black Lives Matter are the dominating concerns on my mind. What will become of the world as we move forward with the second half of the year? Will COVID deaths rise exponentially? The US is nearly at 150k deaths now. Hadn't someone predicted 200k deaths by the end of summer or something? We're not far off. How much more violence will befall the Black community before we acknowledge our roles in the harm to their community and hold ourselves accountable for the damage done?

Will we all learn to work together and to put the needs of others ahead of our own? Do we all really believe in the greater good, or do we just say we do so that everyone else thinks we're good people? Only our actions will reveal our true natures, right?

----

One last thing: Don't lose focus. Black lives still matter.

2019 has been a challenging year

Well, I accidentally deleted my original draft for this post. That sucks.

----

2019 started off well enough. I went to a couple of events and hung out with friends. I went to Gameboi in February. To be honest though, I don't really remember the beginning of this year all that well. My focus this year was on my anxiety, my fears, my health, and my relationships.

2019 shoved me to the ground and kicked me to the point that I didn't know if I was going to survive. My mind has been in dark places before, but this year found me in some of the darkest and craziest. I felt like I was losing my mind and myself. I didn't know if I would ever find my way back to normalcy. Everything felt like an endless maze that kept shifting every time I thought I was on the right track.

I used to want to escape from real life. The party life used to help me do that. Now, I don't want to escape anymore. I want to be present and to face life, but my mind keeps trying to go off into some other place I don't want to be. It happens when I expect it to; it happens when I don't expect it to. It has been a struggle. I've cried, I've hid, I've prayed, and I've frozen in fear. I've hated myself for the choices I made that led me to this point of my life.

Now, I don't hate myself. I still cry. I still pray. I try my best not to freeze when I'm scared. I'm practicing having compassion for myself. Not always successful, but I'm not so hard on myself for continuing to struggle with my thoughts and feelings. I'm not as afraid of being alone. I still struggle to fall asleep, but it's getting a little easier to fall asleep every night. I have some safety measures in place in case I start to panic, but I haven't had a strong need to use any of them in a while. It's just nice to know they're there.

I'm grateful for my friends and coworkers who've become good friends. They've given me their time, warmth, and lessons. I'm blessed to know I have their support in my darkest moments. Who knows if and how I would have survived this year without these thoughtful and caring people (and therapy)?

Therapy has opened my eyes to a lot of the issues and obsessions I've had in my life. I've grown so accustomed to them that I didn't even realize they were problems. Or if I did realize, I kinda just let myself forget about them until they built up into an uncontrollable mess that got exacerbated by my partying ways.

Talking things out with my therapist and my friends has helped a lot. Steady pressure relief. It's nice. My sense of hope has returned. I'm trying to hold on to it and do things to help it grow. I'm trying to get myself to go out a little more again. For a while, I couldn't watch movies because of my overactive imagination. I've gone to see Last Christmas, A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood, and Star Wars: The Rise of Skywalker. Funny thing is the movie about Mr. Rogers probably freaked me out the most because of its realistic nature and a dream sequence it has; too reminiscent of some experiences for me.

Anyway, 2019 has led me down a foreign yet familiar path. I've had to deal with emotions and things I can't really explain, but I'm fortunate to have friends, who don't fully understand what's going on, stand beside me while I figure myself out and make changes to improve my situation. I'm relearning lessons and learning new lessons; hopefully, this time, I really keep these lessons with me and don't make the same mistakes in the future; and if I do, I hope I'm developing the strength to keep pushing myself to do better and not to feel sorry for myself.

I'm planning for a future that was always blurry to me. It still is blurry, but I'm hoping it gets clearer.

----

I'm going into 2020 with some hope and plenty of friends. Hoping I'll turn hindsight into foresight. Hope into action haha.

I don't have any set plans yet. But I want to make 2020 a good year. I don't want to fuck things up again. I don't want to scare the people who care about me. I want to make better decisions. I want to take smarter risks and to take better care of myself.

----

I wanted to go into more detail about this year, but accidentally deleting the draft just made me realize I don't need to focus on all of the details. I just want to focus on the journey and the progress of how I'm feeling.

Today, I feel better. And I know I can feel even better in the future. I just gotta keep putting in the effort.

----

Thank you, friends, for holding my hand, holding me, and loving me when I couldn't do anything for myself. Thank you for all the goodness and strength you've shared with me. Thank you for reflecting all my goodness and strength that I couldn't see on my own.

Struggles: Depression, Anxiety, Panic. Solution: Self-care, Connection, Trust

A reminder to myself: Add good into the world, even if you don't think good will come out of it.

----

I have dealt with depression since I was a teenager. Undiagnosed until recently. I used to tell myself that I wasn’t depressed because someone else definitely has it way worse. But on some level, I knew. I have had days where I just could not get out of bed and I let life pass me by. I didn’t reach out to anyone, even when I couldn’t bare to be alone.

I felt apathetic toward myself. I didn't want to try at anything. If I did try and succeed at something, I didn't think I deserved it. I didn't know how to use my little successes to propel me forward. I just did enough to get through each day. I didn't know how to look forward to the future. I was in this depressive murk for years, and I became so used to it. I didn't know what life looked like outside of this murky lens.

----

Looking back, I know I've always been an anxious person. I just didn't know that I was dealing with anxiety. I thought my worries and fears were normal. Who wouldn't be afraid of someone breaking into their home? Who wouldn't be worried about the car that has been trailing behind them for several blocks? Who wouldn't be scared of the next mass shooting?

For me, my worries and fears led to some obsessive and compulsive behaviors. Whenever I go on vacation or to a show or just do something new, I always worry that something terrible or catastrophic will happen, especially to my family, while I'm out having fun. Maybe as a punishment for having too much fun. When I start worrying about something like this, I start praying internally. I repeat the prayer until it feels right, until I think I mean it enough.

I've been able to get through life, even with all these thoughts crowding in. I've been able to ignore the thoughts on most days. But they always come back when I'm alone. The overthinker in me rules much of my life. I've managed to pass myself off as a very laidback person, but I'm such an intense overthinker on the inside.

----

I've had several panic attacks over the past two years. Most of them were triggered by my own irresponsible and reckless decisions (read: alcohol and drugs like LSD). I had been warned, but I thought I could handle the consequences of my decisions. I thought, because I had made so much progress on my self-improvement, I could handle some recklessness. And I was okay for a while. But I went overboard or just overestimated my capabilities, and now I'm facing the consequences.

I had a couple of panic attacks in March, April, and June 2017 and near-attacks afterward. I think one of these attacks was triggered by excessive sugar intake. I struggled for a couple of months to find normalcy. I found it. Then I had another panic attack in October 2017 after a show; this was triggered by excessive amounts of caffeine. Again, I struggled for normalcy. My next major panic attack occurred in January 2018. It was after work and after too much THC.

Because of the 2018 panic attack, I decided to cut back on just about everything. I went through the rest of the year feeling better. Some anxiety, but no panic attacks. I felt really good and proud of myself.

2019 started off really well. I was going out and making plans. Then I overestimated myself again. I triggered another panic attack in April because of THC. It wasn't the worst. My friends were there to support me and help me stay grounded. A month later, my stupid decisions caused another panic attack while I was at EDC day two. First and last time trying coke, last time taking MDMA. This was probably the worst panic attack I had ever had. It still affects me now. I've had multiple actual and near panic attacks since May. Sometimes multiple within the same day. I can't listen to much EDM anymore. Certain lighting, certain sounds/music, certain physical sensations (wind), just anything that reminded me of the circumstances during my attack at EDC; it all would trigger high anxiety or panic attacks. My heart races, my muscles tense, I sweat, my skin tingles uncomfortably, my mind races through all these terrifying what-ifs about reality, I feel myself literally coming apart, and everything feels unreal and disconnected. I honestly didn't know how I was getting through these attacks. I just know I've gotten through them. I also know I scare myself about having another panic attack. Panicking about panic (and losing reality), ridiculous but real, terrifying.

I haven't been getting enough sleep because I'm too anxious to fall asleep. I have to leave YouTube videos playing for me to fall asleep. I wake up a lot during the night. My room is too hot at night, partially because of me leaving my laptop on all night. Also because I close my bedroom window. I've been overly sensitive to external stimuli for the past two months. It's ridiculous, but I hyper-focus on unfamiliar sounds and movements, especially when I'm exhausted. So I'm just trying to reduce my triggers.

----

I started being honest with my friends about my depression years ago; recently, I started being honest about my battle with anxiety and panic attacks. I somehow managed to develop strong relationship with many extremely supportive friends. We've learned how to communicate and to listen. Even many of my acquaintances have listened to me talk about my struggles and my triumphs and shared their own stories. I have a community I can rely on. This community has helped me find my strength time and time again. When I forget my strength, my successes, and the good I've tried to add into the world, these loving people remind me. When I don't believe in any of it, they believe for me and encourage me to believe in all of it.

I started seeing a psychotherapist/psychiatrist at the beginning of July. I don't know if it's helping me, but I don't think it's hurting me. The doctor has helped me unearth some baggage I didn't realize I had, or rather baggage that I thought I had already dealt with. He has explained some therapeutic techniques to practice in my everyday life; they're meant to help me calm and retrain my brain to better handle anxiety and panic attacks. He has also suggested that I start taking an antidepressant. I'm hesitant. I worry about side effects, dependency, and effectiveness. I know medication can help some people. I know it could help me, but it scares me. I also just want to challenge myself to find my strength again and to trust and believe in myself. I told my doctor just as much. I want to get better on my own. I've been able to do it the previous times. I just fucked myself up each time by doing drugs again. This time, I really mean it. I won't touch any of it. The risk of anxiety and panic attacks is too high, and I don't want to risk losing myself completely. Of course, if it gets to a point where I feel like I can't do it on my own, then I'll consider medication.

I've decided to abstain indefinitely, likely permanently, from drugs and alcohol. I used these things to escape from my life and to help me be more sociable. They were my crutches. But now, I want to be present in my life. I want to be here to be able to support and help all of the wonderful people in my life. Despite my desire to stay here in this reality, my mind seems to take me away from the present whenever I start panicking. I'm fighting hard to stay. Plus, even drinking alcohol triggers anxiety now. So it's just good overall for me to abstain.
-It's been a little difficult. Going out with friends is slightly challenging because I end up being the only sober person. I'm okay with being DD. But it's challenging to socialize with inebriated people. I'm too in my head. There's also an irrational part of me that's worried that if I'm surrounded by inebriated people, I'll somehow absorb their inebriation. Or someone will get something into my system because they think I should loosen up (some have told me as much, maybe jokingly, but it still worries me). These anxious thoughts would trigger panic attacks too.
-This also means that I'm foregoing future shows and festivals (no lie; a lot of people go to these events to get fucked up). I've been selling whatever tickets I bought earlier this year. I've lost a lot of money. Alaska got $300 out of me not flying to Seattle this past weekend for a festival, and two people got some cheap tickets to the festival. I still have many tickets left to sell. I'm holding on to a pair of tickets for deadmau5 in October though; my brother is supposed to go to that with me. We've never been to a festival or EDM show together. So I'm hoping that I'll get myself into a good mental space by then; I want us to share an experience. But if I don't feel ready, I won't push myself.
-This past weekend, instead of going to the festival, I went with a group of friends to Lake Tahoe. I was sober the whole weekend. Everyone else drank or did other things. It worried me, but I didn't want to ruin anyone else's fun. So everyone did their own thing. Somehow, I managed to not have any panic attacks. If I thought my anxiety was starting to increase, I would focus on my breathing and remind myself that reality was still here and I was with friends, good people who will help me if I need it. This vacation actually felt like it helped me reset my brain a bit. It was nice. Of course, coming back home, my anxiety has kinda started up again, but I think it's more manageable now. Though, I did almost trigger another panic attack because I was thinking about my panic attacks on the drive home from work haha. Still a work in progress. Anyway, after this weekend, I'm probably gonna make sure I hang out in more sober settings.

----

If I could choose, I would rather deal with depression than anxiety. Apathy is easier than constant fear. Listlessness is easier than overthinking. But I don't have a choice. I just have to deal.

I'm grateful for the love and support that I'm getting from my friends, especially since they're all dealing with their own lives. I'm lucky to have these folks in my life. I hope I can repay them just as well in my support of them.

----

I started writing this because I needed to get some thoughts out. Maybe as a sort of confession/clearing of conscience. Now, I don't really know what to make of this.

I know I need help. I've reached out for help. I've reached out to friends and a professional. Now, I'm learning and relearning how to help myself and how to trust myself/others. It's been hard and daunting most days. Some days are easier to get through; other days, each step feels impossible. I feel like I'm making progress, but I have setbacks. The setbacks feel so monumental, but I'm trying to hold on to hope that I will feel and do better. I'm trying to add more realistic positivity and positive realism into my life.

Thank goodness for YouTube (Michelle Khare, Safiya Nygaard, Ladylike, Pero Like, The Try Guys. Basically all the BuzzFeed-related videos. Also, Good Mythical Morning.). I've binged on so many videos over the past two months; they've helped keep me distracted and also given me food for thought in regard to my own challenges.

Making better decisions for myself is hard because it requires me to really think. I'm trying to find a balance, so that I don't overthink. Hopefully, I can get this right.

Ending 2018; Starting 2019

2018 went by so fast. I feel like I only just started 2018 a couple of months ago, but a lot has happened this year.

----

Usually, around this time of year, I like to look back on the events of the current year and make plans for the next, occasionally waxing poetic about changes. This time is no different haha.

2018 was a personally fulfilling year. I did things I wanted to do, whether on the spur of the moment or as part of a planned bucket list activity.
+Donated peripheral blood stem cells (Feb)
+Started my Invisalign adjustments (Mar)
+Attended Seven Lions’ Chronicles Chapter 1 in Seattle (May)
+Left a $100 tip on a cheaper meal (May)
+Attended my 10-year high school reunion (Jun)
+Donated my hair after growing it out for nearly 3 years (Aug)
+Visited Colorado and attended Illenium’s show at Red Rocks (Aug)
+Walked through a corn maze (Sep)
+Went skydiving (Nov)
+Went axe-throwing (Nov)

I spent a lot of money (14+ shows, Audiotistic, 2 Dreamstates, and EDC LV) because I decided to forego a reasonable budget. But because of all these fun adventures, all my lovely friends, and some calculated personal changes, I was able to get myself into a better mental space. The splurging was a way for me to take a break from reality and to reward myself for doing better.

2017 and the beginning of 2018 had me struggling through a lot of depressive and anxiety-ridden episodes; I sometimes wondered if I would make it to the end of the year. However, as this year progressed, I gradually turned my thoughts and worries around; I'm not super peppy or overly optimistic, but I feel more level-headed in my mental/emotional approach to my fears and worries. I definitely still have occasional setbacks, but they don't feel as oh-no-it's-the-end-of-the-world as they did at the beginning of 2018. The things that I can't seem to change, I've learned to accept; I'm always going to be an over-thinker, but consistently recognizing that what I think doesn't necessarily reflect reality has helped me maintain a grip on my sanity and perspective. Woo, progress!

----

I had planned to quit my job on my birthday, but I decided to stay after my employer offered to increase my pay a bit and move me to another team. I'm grateful to still have a job during the holidays. I'm still helping out my old team because of an abnormally large amount of work that came in; so I haven't really learned anything for my new team. To be honest, I haven't really felt motivated to learn new workflows. And the reasons that made me want to leave in the first place are still there. I'm still putting out the best work I can and helping the team as much as I can, but I find myself feeling extremely apathetic about the job on most days.

----

Recently, I had developed a minor crush on a guy. It's been an interesting experience. We're getting to know each other better. We're friends. We've kissed.

At first, I didn't know what it meant because we didn't really talk about it. We're friends, but we're physically and intellectually attracted to each other; overall, this is the most attracted I've felt toward any guy in my life. I wasn't sure if the emotional attraction was or would ever be there. I said as much; he concurred.

In my weird mistrust of people's words, I thought he was playing games and really could be interested in a romantic relationship. It worried me because I don't like the imbalance of feelings in any relationship. So I worried myself, wondering, "Could I be emotionally attracted to him? Emotionally attracted to a man? If I could, what would be so bad about that?" Other people's opinions... I think my mom would feel relief, which bothers me because of the I-told-you-you're-not-really-gay aspect of it. I'm also uncertain of how my queer friends would take it. Hopefully not bad because I've always said I wanted to be open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to and falling in love with a man. And I am open to it. I came to that conclusion after some major self-reflection.

I let him know what I was thinking. He said we can just be friends. (What he says is what he means, which I'm learning to trust and take at face value. Typically, some guys, who said they only wanted friendship, were really hoping for more, which put a weird strain on our friendships.) I was disappointed by his response but not as much as I thought I would be. Probably because of the lack of emotional connection haha; he's not a very emotional person, whereas I am; he's more of a let-it-go person, whereas I'm not. So it works out. I'm over it now.

We're still friends. We're still physically attracted to each other. We've set our boundaries.

----

I'm going to ring in the new year at Kaskade's show in SF with Matt and his new boyfriend, Khai. I don't think any of our other close friends will be there; they're either keeping it low-key or going to another NYE event. This will be a different experience. I've always gone to NYE events with people who were there with me. I know Matt and Khai will be there, but I don't know if it will be quite the same with my third-wheel status haha. I know I'll have fun no matter what though; so it doesn't really matter.

----

I don’t have many plans for 2019 yet, and the few I have are tentative as always. I’m also gonna set another EDM ticket budget, and I won't scrap it this time.

Shows and Festivals:
+Wobbleland - SF
+Gryffin - SF
+Excision - SF
+EDC LV of course

Other:
+Finish my Invisalign adjustments sometime in March
+Bucket list: Go to a range and shoot something. (I've put this off for so long.)
+Bucket list: Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge. (I've also put this off for too long.)
+LASIK
-I bought a camping package for Electric Forest 2019; however, I’m going to sell it to put that money toward the LASIK and/or family instead. (The brother is out of a job; so I feel weird trying to plan multiple expensive vacations while he's struggling.)
+Attend a different, cheaper, and closer music festival instead
+Skydive again, hopefully without glasses this time
+New tattoo
+Camping with friends
+Visit at least one new place; haven't decided where yet

----

I'm always thinking about change. About how I really want it, about how I strongly want to avoid it, about how it's necessary for life.

But at this point, I don't know what changes I want to make. I think the best I can do are the physical changes (i.e. Invisalign, LASIK, wardrobe). The mental changes are harder because I don't know what needs to improve. My self-image is better than ever; not great, but better than it has been.

I think getting a new job will probably become a priority for this year. I've been on my team for 3.5 years now, and I don't feel much like a valued employee. I mean I am still here and got a small pay raise, but watching most of my coworkers get laid off and be replaced by new hires through a different agency left a terrible taste in my mouth. And the coworkers that are still around are slowly getting jobs elsewhere and leaving. I don't want to be the last one here. I don't want to lose that sense of family that we had all built together. But it's happening. I feel like we're all just hanging on to the last bit of family we have on this project until we can find a new workplace to call home.

Anyway, change is always happening, whether we're aware of it. I guess I just need to take charge of the changes in my life as much as I can.

----

2018 has been a good and weird year. Not my favorite, but it was an enjoyable learning experience.

A History of My Hair

I had various, shorter hairstyles chosen by my mom for most of my childhood and adolescence. I was frequently mistaken for a boy and occasionally bullied for it, which made me feel really insecure at times. But I dealt with it somehow and I never once thought I should grow out my hair to make things easier.

When I was a junior in high school, I decided to let my hair grow to my shoulders, which felt very strange. I just wanted to see what it would look like; would I actually look unattractive? My mom used to tell me that I would, which is why she always had me have short hair. I thought I looked all right.

I decided to cut my hair short again my senior year of high school because longer hair required too much effort and I was lazy haha. Back to normal. Ish.

During my freshman year of college, I decided to get my first “radical” hairstyle, a faux hawk. I wanted to explore something new. My mom freaked out; we argued. I kept the faux hawk for a couple of months. I grew it out because I again got lazy with maintenance. It required product and at least twenty minutes to style every day. That was a lot of time and effort I didn’t want to expend anymore.

At that point, I also just didn’t feel like getting my monthly haircut. And that feeling lasted for two and a half years. Really, after a year, I decided I wanted to grow my hair long enough to donate. During the winter of my senior year of college, I donated my hair to Pantene’s Beautiful Lengths for the first time. :)

I tried another, slightly longer faux hawk this time. Again, my mom and I argued. She was upset that I looked “like a man.” She threatened to shave my head as punishment. I told her to do it because I would be happy to do it. She had no response for that.

I suppose I should also add that I had been out to my mom since senior year of high school. My coming out to her was not a positive experience, and we haven’t even attempted to broach the subject since. Anyway, my styling choices just aggravated her discomfort with my sexuality. She was freaking out that I was “flaunting my lifestyle to the world”; not her words, but I knew what she meant. I wasn’t; I just wanted to do something different with my hair. I was not trying to be gayer haha.

The tension between my mom and me increased exponentially because of this. So I mellowed out with the hair to ease the tension. A small concession just to make life bearable.

Fast forward to over a year later. I got my hair buzzed two weeks after I moved out of my mom’s house in 2013. I wore a beanie every time I saw my parents for a couple of months haha. And then I continued to let my hair grow for a year and a half. Then I donated it again in December 2014. I decided to keep a simple style, reminiscent of my adolescence.

Then for half of 2015, I did variations of a fade and slick back combo. I truly enjoyed the look. But you know what happened; laziness kicked in. All that product, meh.

So I decided to buzz my hair again. And I actually decided I would try to grow it out for three years and then donate it once more. I wanted to see if I would have the patience to wait for my hair to reach my hips.

I’m less than two months shy of exactly three years, but my hair reaches my hips. I was going to wait until October to cut and donate my hair. However, my hair is annoying me, and I want to have short hair while it’s still hot out.

This upcoming weekend, I’m going to cut and donate my hair. I would do it sooner, but I feel like I should see my parents first and give them a head’s up, so they won’t be shocked the next time they see me. I can already hear my mom flipping out. But hey, at least this time, I’m giving her some warning. :P

I can’t wait to feel the weight literally be removed from my head haha.

As for the style, I might go for a pixie cut. No idea yet. Might decide on the spot. I would buzz my hair, but I think I'll wait for another time. I'm also not sure when I'll start growing out my hair to donate again.

----

I'm glad I grew up and matured. I don't care if people mistake me for a man or judge me for it anymore. So I'm willing to try different hairstyles.

I still kinda hide some of my style decisions from my parents. Not because I'm ashamed or guilty. More because I just don't feel like arguing with them every time I see them. They won't change their minds, and I'm not going to change mine. We're going to argue about my choices. I don't want to not do what I want to do just to avoid arguing. I only see them once a week. So I should do what I feel comfortable doing, especially when I'm the one living with myself. But I'll do my best to avoid conflict with my parents because it's not worth my time when it's not constructive.

----

I legally have been an adult for almost a decade. Technically, I’ve had long hair for more than half of my adult life. Weird.

After all these years, I still don’t know how to do anything with long hair other than put it in a ponytail haha.

What not to say to a friend experiencing a mental health problem

----

I don't necessarily think all of these are bad, per se, but when, how, and why we say them is crucial to the conversation.

If our friends aren't in the right mindset, then it's not a good time to say anything. It's good to just listen and pay attention for any warning signs. If we waste our time on unsolicited advice, we might miss some important signs. When our friends are in a better headspace and are more receptive to feedback, then we have an opportunity to add our two cents. Just remember it's our two cents, not fact.

Our word choice and body language are very important because it shows our intentions and our understanding of our friends' situations. Our demeanor shows them if we're listening or dismissive. What they think we're thinking or doing determines how much more they'll reveal to us and how much our words will sink in.

Our true intentions with our words will determine if we help or hurt our friends. Speaking out of frustration will never be helpful. Frustration is there because we want to help but we can't. We can't control our friends. We see the solution, but they don't. Or they do, but they won't follow through. We can't make them.

Speaking through encouragement (positive reinforcement) is slow and arduous, but I think it's the most helpful in most situations. It's definitely a test of our patience. But hey, we're only dealing with the problem for this moment; our friends have to deal with it almost every day alone. Tbh, if we're that frustrated with our friends, imagine how frustrated they are with themselves.

----

Back to the link:

Therapists and counselors may try to get us to realize these things on our own. But there's a difference between a person who's trained to help us come to our own conclusions and a person who's just putting in their two cents on what they think our problem is.

One has built our trust, reminds us that they're coming from a place of understanding, and encourages us to take our next steps. The other doesn't necessarily make that same effort because it seems unnecessary when the message is coming from a friend. And this is why a therapist is a therapist, not a friend.

----

Mental health problems suck. Sometimes, our brains know one thing, but they think the opposite; and we're so damn aware of this disconnect. Being bluntly reminded of how disconnected our brains are is irritating. "You just need to do this (i.e. take care of yourself, exercise, eat better, stop overthinking), and you won't have those problems anymore." Sometimes, it is that simple; but fun fact: It's not always that simple.

I get frustrated hearing things like that because I know it could be that simple but I don't let it be. I definitely don't feel encouraged when people say things like that to me. If anything, there's some irrational part of me that wants to do the opposite of what they say just to spite them. Or is it to spite myself? Because I fail at something that's so easy for others, I deserve to fail harder and hurt myself more. Irrational.

It's funny though. I've had conversations with friends about my issues and baggage. They offer advice. Sometimes, I ignore it. Other times, I listen. But I never take their advice immediately. It has to sit and simmer. Time has to pass before I put their advice into action. Although, if my friends bring it up again too soon, I have to let it simmer longer.

I like it when my friends don't give me direct advice. Instead, they offer suggestions. Suggestions don't have to simmer as long as advice does.

The Four Agreements - Don Miguel Ruiz

Be impeccable with your word.
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

Don't take anything personally.
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

Don't make assumptions.
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

Always do your best.
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.


I feel like I'm always revisiting these kinds of thoughts because I always end up forgetting about them after a while.

Such simple things to keep in mind. I remember them and live by them for some time, usually during a period where I'm de-cluttering, re-evaluating some life decisions, and proactively resolving some inner turmoil. I maintain course, and life gets good. Everything goes well. Then somewhere along the way, I forget to maintain; I fall back to bad habits and fall into the usual ruts. I'm aware of it some of the time; other times, other people have to point it out to me.


I think the first agreement is usually the easiest for me to keep. Occasionally, I need gentle reminders to not speak badly of anyone. Learning to vent my pent-up frustrations with myself and others properly and in a manner that is helpful rather than hurtful. I still make mistakes and hurt people. I hope I'm doing right by owning up to the things I carelessly say. I hope I'm owning up to them.

The second agreement is hardest for me. I know I internalize everything. I've never been one to really trust my own judgment of anything. I've always relied on others to give me feedback and accepted them as true without much more thought. I dwell on others' negative perception and judgment of me. I've come to the realization that, when I judge others, I'm viewing with my own lens and biases; the standards and rules that I apply to my own life should not be applied to others. I have to remind myself that other people do the same, and that I shouldn't be living up to anyone's standards but my own. My standards may line up with others', but they're not the same.

I try not to jump to conclusions. And when I do, I try not to hold onto those conclusions when I'm presented with proof to the contrary. I've found that many misunderstandings have led to some of the worst arguments and conflicts in my life. They strained and broke some relationships, and we've never been able to salvage them. I think we damaged our relationships because each of us held onto our own perspective with ridiculous stubbornness and believed that the other was unreasonable for not seeing our perspective or, worse, the other did see our perspective and still hurt us anyway.

The fourth agreement is so simple, yet my mind won't let it stay simple. There's always a scale of success to judge myself on. When I don't overthink, my best feels like enough. But I'm prone to overthinking, something that I feel very little control over. I'm always living in my thoughts and wondering if I could have done better. Sometimes, I remember I couldn't have done better in that moment. Other times, I tell myself I should have done better, despite the circumstances of that moment.


Life is the way it is; it is not the way I wish it to be. I can't control it. I can only help guide my little piece of it. People are who they are; I can't change them. I can't even really change myself (I'm always falling back to the me that hasn't "improved"), but I can continue to learn to direct my energy toward the positive, the beautiful, the changing, the hopeful.

I have my moments where I wish I could reset to or restore the simplicity of my privileged and naive childhood. If I could have helped younger me to not internalize and hold onto all the traumas and pains of experiencing life, I would have taught myself to learn from the experiences and not be so afraid. Alas, I wasn't able to do that then. But I can do that now.

Whatever happens happens. Life goes on, and we will move on with it. So, live and love genuinely out of love.

^I should write that on a piece of paper and carry it with me. I used to do things like that, and it helped with the not forgetting. I'll do that.

What budget?

My resolve is weak. I want to adventure into the festival world. I haven't even gone a full week into 2018 yet; I'm already thinking of scrapping my rave ticket budget. 😅

I originally figured, if I raised my budget enough to cover EDC LV 2018, I would have more money to spend on smaller events throughout the year. Sounds good because I usually don't think about going to other major festivals.

But after seeing this year's Coachella lineup, I'm tempted. Mainly for the smaller names. I really wanna listen to them live before they blow up.  :) It would also be cool to check out a festival that's not strictly EDM. I had been considering Bonnaroo or Outside Lands as well. I may still choose one of those in the following years over Coachella.

If I decide to go to Coachella, I think I'm going to revise my budget plan. Actually, I'm going to ask for a pay raise at work first; it's long overdue. I haven't asked for a raise of any kind since 2016. And if I can get the pay I would like to have, Coachella may actually happen. And if Coachella happens, then I may start to revise and split my budget. One budget for festival tickets and one budget for massives and shows. I don't think I have the willpower to follow another strict overall budget this year haha.

My thrift may give way to extravagant adventures in 2018. I don't know yet. Maybe I'll find a balance between my 2013-2016 self and my 2017 self... Maybe not. Ugh. I'm conflicted between saving more money and indulging myself more frequently.

Must maintain moderation. I had been pretty darn good about it in 2017, so that I could travel and save money to help my family. This year, travel isn't as important. I was hoping to make travel a priority for 2018, but I realize travel really isn't my thing. I'll do it to visit friends and spend time with them. But I don't have any cemented travel plans; so raving may go up my priority list this year haha.

----

I believe Coachella passes have already sold out. The Internet went a little crazy yesterday about this. But I've decided: If I can't get a pass within 20% of face value, then I probably won't go. I'm not paying an absurd amount over face value for any event. I wouldn't even do that for EDC haha.

----

I don't really know what my priorities are right now... Sometimes, I think I want to rave until I die; dance, headbang, groove, and sway until all of my energy is depleted. Other times, I feel like I just want to save my money and energy for a nice, comfortable future.

Last-minute, miscellaneous thoughts for 2017

I've been sounding like a broken record all year, but I have to reiterate how lucky I feel to have the caring, helpful, and generous friends I have. They're enablers, but I am so appreciative of all the love they share.

I thought I was going to break my tradition of raving at the end of the year because of my budget. Matt is not even in town, but he got me a ticket for Kaskade's open-to-close set tomorrow night. I used the last of my 2017 budget to pay Matt back what I could for a portion of the ticket. This guy, what did I do to deserve him?

And I guess my NYE raving tradition is slightly broken? The show is on the 30th rather than the 31st. So I'll party it up tomorrow night and then have a lowkey NYE night with a few friends who also decided not to rave into the new year :) Yay, I won't be alone!

----

In the past 4.5 years, I went from 0 to 60 really quickly. My high school and college years were mellow. I barely knew what partying was; I couldn't afford to know what it was haha. I started letting loose a little in 2013 and going out more and more frequently. At some point, I was going out just about every weekend. At the end of 2016, I decided I needed to rein it in to save money and to try other things; so I put some restrictions on myself for 2017. I still went out on some weekends, but monetary limits kept me mindful. I think I've even returned to my 2013 levels of partying haha. Not bad.

----

2017 has been a challenging year in ways I didn't foresee, but it has been filled with many wonderful new adventures, lessons, and changes. I am so grateful for all the friends that supported me through the lows and cheered me on during the highs. I probably wouldn't have survived this year with my mind intact without all of them.

----

I always look forward to the end of the year because it feels like an accomplishment to reach it. Even though, I know it's such an arbitrary thing to care about. All the things that happened this year have shaped me into someone who is different from who I was a year ago. I'm more anxious and worried. I have to constantly train myself to trust. But I'm also more appreciative. I'm much more aware. I'm finding a new balance in my life. I try harder to not take time and people for granted.

I just hope I remember to keep this going. I got to the end of 2017 in one piece; I can keep going.

----

2018 will bring in new challenges; I hope I can ready myself for them, and I hope I've learned enough not to make the same mistakes I've made before.

I probably won't travel as much as I did this year, which wasn't that much anyway. Maybe two or three trips. We'll see how things pan out.

I hope I find the courage to step out of my comfort zone again. Enough to make a more positive impact on others.

2017 to 2018; budgets and stuff

My birthday this year was a bit overwhelming. Matt planned a couple of things to surprise me. It's not that hard to surprise me. :P But I felt a lot of love. I repeatedly asked myself what I had done to deserve such amazing and loving friends in my life.

Two weeks before my birthday, I thought Matt, Ant, and I were just getting dinner. Granted, it was at Alexander's Steakhouse. So fancy. I figured we were celebrating their promotions. When we arrived at the restaurant, I was underdressed and surprised by more friends (April, Cat, Amenda, and Mai). And there was guava cake! My friends know me too well haha.

Then I received an Illenium snapback as a group gift on another day. Loved it.

On the day of my birthday, first thing in the morning, I came into work and found my desk completely decked out with balloons, streamers, and knickknacks. I knew Lisa had to have done it because that's definitely her thing haha. Yay for high school/college friends! The decorations were a bit much because they alerted everyone on the floor to my birthday.

Later that day, I was walking to a meeting when the lights in the room I was approaching suddenly turned off. I was confused, thinking maybe I went to the wrong room. But I opened the door. Several of my coworkers were in the room and surprised me. With a birthday tart and mimosas! It was great! Apparently, everyone was running around trying to get things ready without me noticing. I didn't notice. I'm pretty oblivious. But I also don't assume people will try to celebrate my birthday.

All these surprises. Too much for my heart haha. I appreciate all of these people, especially Matt. What did I do to deserve them? <3 p="">
----

I've spent 97.7% of my 2017 EDM ticket budget. I've decided I won't spend the rest of my budget for the rest of the year.

So my 2017 budget was a success, largely due to the wonderful people I call my friends. I paid for nine shows and events; my friends bought or gave me free tickets to four events (worth just less than 25% of my budget).

1. Crush SF
2. Phutureprimitive
3. Andrew Rayel
4. Anjunabeats
5. Martin Garrix (free)
6. Dreamstate SF day 2 (free)
7. Untz Festival
8. EDC LV
9. Prince Fox
10. RL Grime (free)
11. Seven Lions
12. Illenium
13. Giraffage (free)

It's been an enjoyable year. I've loved sharing it with new and old friends.

----

As for 2018, I've decided to increase my budget by 50%; so EDC won't knock out half of my budget. Just a third :P Hopefully, I won't be as spoiled by my friends because I can pay for some more events.

I almost decided against having another budget, but I really should be saving. Missing out on some events sucks sometimes, but it feels good to know I have money for emergencies. I'm trying to be a responsible adult haha.

I've already paid for two nights of Excision in January, Above & Beyond in March, HTID in April, and EDC LV in May. So I've already exceeded half my budget, but the events are relatively spread out over the first five months. I may end up selling one or two tickets. Right now, I want to go to all of these events for various reasons, but I know my mood changes and I have to keep in mind that there are events at the end of the year that I want to plan for.

We'll see what I decide to do this year.

----

I'm planning to do non-rave things in 2018. Some comedy shows and "normal" concerts for a change. I still need to figure out my travel plans.

Portland and Alaska may go hand in hand; I may visit Vivi again, as well as a couple of other friends; Vivi and I may go to Alaska together. It was just an idea that I threw out there, and she was interested; so fingers crossed. I also really wanna make it out to the East Coast, just so I can say I've been on the other side of the country haha. These two trips will probably be my primary focus, at least to get planning started.

I may also donate bone marrow. I got contacted last week about being a potential match for someone. Thursday, I'll be getting my blood drawn for further testing. I hope I'm a good match. I answered some health questions that I was afraid would disqualify me. Luckily, having tattoos and scoliosis doesn't automatically disqualify me; getting a tattoo within the past year or having had surgery for scoliosis would have. Anyway, I really hope I can donate in whatever way I can. I signed up for the Be The Match registry almost six years ago in college. I didn't think I'd end up being a match for anyone, but this is great ^_^ This would be a memorable addition to my life experiences.

----

For the first time in four years, I'm not attending a rave for NYE. (I said this two years ago but ended up going to Pop NYE haha.) Originally, Matt bought us tickets for Kaskade, but he decided to rearrange his plans for NYE. He offered to let me keep my ticket, but I told him to sell my ticket along with his. I've been spoiled enough with free tickets this year haha.

So I currently do not have any plans to welcome in the new year. I'm not sure what I want to do. I would like to spend it with my family, but my parents go to bed early; so I can spend the day with them, but I can't spend the night hanging out with them.

I think most of my friends will be attending a rave (Resolution, Snowglobe, Countdown, Pop NYE, Kaskade, etc.). So maybe I'll spend NYE with some less close friends. I'll have to start asking around...

----

2018 is less than five weeks away. Whoa.

Self-Diagnosed Anxiety: I Don't Know How to Ask for Help

Anxiety is hard.

I've probably always dealt with anxiety in some form or other, but I never noticed how anxious I really was until this year.

Now, my anxiety rises to unbearable levels sometime. And I feel like I can't survive it, but I also feel like I'll never be able to escape it.

I think I had a little too much caffeine (flavored Red Bull is dangerous) last night before RL Grime because I was tired from seeing Oh Wonder the night before. I was okay during the event. But the drive home triggered something in my brain. An overwhelming, almost paralyzing, fear started to creep up on me. I started having a panic attack while I was driving, but I was able to focus on driving home. I think knowing that I was the only one sober enough to drive was how I focused.

I'm lucky; I have wonderful friends. Ant stayed with me and held me while I tried to calm down and sleep. I could feel my heart pounding the whole night at weird paces. Tachycardia. It kept waking me up. But I didn't move at all because I didn't want to risk losing the comfort I got from Ant. I didn't want to risk losing touch. He was my anchor to reality.

Falling asleep was the worst though. The falling part of it. It would jumpstart my anxiety every time. Because I would lose touch with reality. I know that's normal. I mean we enter surreal dreams. But that's the part that scared me. I just felt like I lost control. That nothing was real.

I've been struggling to fall asleep at night because of this. For three months, I've had to listen to pop or acoustic music with lyrics to help me fall asleep. It gives me something to focus on other than my thoughts. And the music doesn't start sounding so weird or distorted as I fall asleep.

This past week, I managed to convince myself to go to bed without music. And I had been okay. Progress.

After last night, I'm worried about trying again. I don't have very much confidence in myself. Especially when I'm alone. Pretty sure my anxiety stems from being alone. And fears about the future, present, life, existence, etc.

I'm probably going to have to watch myself when it comes to consuming any kind of drug, including caffeine and muscle relaxers. They've had extremely adverse effects on my anxiety so far.

Normally, caffeine just makes me jittery. But now I think it's affecting me more than that, which sucks. Luckily, I don't rely on it often, just on those rare days I need it. I should probably just make sure I don't consume more than 30mg... that Red Bull I drank had 114mg of caffeine. Yikes. And I also got a vodka Red Bull at the show too. Stupid decisions.

I hope I can feel normal again in the near future. Anxiety is so crippling :/ I need to start making better decisions for my body and life.

Oh, I just remembered something. I found myself repeating the chant "Nam mô A Di Đà Phật" fervently whenever I woke up. It helped me focus and fall asleep a bit more easily. I just couldn't stay asleep.

Man, how do I find and maintain some inner peace? It feels reachable sometimes. And it feels impossible sometimes. I'm just really scared, and I don't know how to trust my reality right now. I don't know how I'm going to survive.