I need a job.

So I couldn't sleep until 1am this morning. Too much thinking. Just so much thought on finding work and moving out. I will move out on my own before next summer. I need to get out.

I've told Mother. I've told D. They know I need to move out. D supports me moving out when I'm ready. (I'm so mentally ready. Just need to be financially ready.) Mother is having second thoughts and doesn't want me to move out, except she does want me to move out. I'm getting mixed signals.

Mother has no confidence in me. She's completely afraid that I will get a job and lose it after two weeks. Who does she think I am? Brother? I am not Brother. I won't drink and drive. I won't screw my life up just so I can party, drink, and waste my money.

Mother is afraid once I lose my job, I'll be out on the street, since I wouldn't be able to move back in with her. Even if I was out on the street, I wouldn't move back in with her if I had the option. She's also afraid that when I move out, even if I'm successful, something bad will happen.

She's also worried about the immediate consequences of me moving out. Her Section 8 status will only include one person. She would either have to pay more to stay in a two-bedroom house or move into a one-bedroom apartment. I don't really see the problem. She could afford to pay more for the extra room since I wouldn't be her dependent. She doesn't need an extra room anyway. Really, if she has to move, she just needs to get rid of a lot of the junk she's collected over the years. She doesn't want to part with a lot of her things. She has A LOT of things. Most of which she doesn't remember.

I'm still clearing out my stuff so that it's easier for me to move out. Trying to make it so that I can transfer most of my things within a few medium-sized boxes at most.

Initial plan for when I move out: crash on Killol's couch. I've pretty much gotten his and Shiva's permission. I'm willing to give a week's pay to help a tiny bit with rent. My goal is to save up money so that I can rent a cheap room eventually. It's a simple plan. There are probably some kinks in it, but I'll work them out as I go along.

So I'm still applying for jobs. Once I get a job, part-time or full-time, I'll move out. I would have to leave most of my stuff with Mother until I can get my own place. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than three months. If I get a part-time job, then I'll look for a second job. If I somehow snag a full-time job right off the bat, then that would be amazing, and I could save more money.

Overall, I'm just hoping everything works out. I just want to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself. When my life seems stable and good, I can help out my family. But for now, I gotta focus on getting up on my own two feet.

Anyway,  I'm looking for any kind of work I can get. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. I know what kind of jobs I'm looking for. One that requires little interaction with clients or customers. One that allows me to work with things and data. Working with my hands is fun. Essentially, I would prefer off-hours work, stocking, and data entry. Usually, I'm not qualified for anything though because employers often require recent and relevant work experience. That makes the search difficult since I'm looking for my first official job (no prior experience). Even more difficult since I've been applying for full-time jobs. But now, I'm looking for part-time too. After I've told Mother what I plan to do, I'm looking at everything.

I know I could apply for jobs that require customer interaction. And I do. But those employers never contact me except to say that my skills don't meet their criteria or they're not looking for someone with my skills at this time -_- And I'm not lying or embellishing my resume to get a job. I wouldn't be able to live up to it. I'm really bad at amping up my first impression. So I'm learning to just do me and see where that takes me. I'm quiet and reserved, and I'm not very fond of small talk. I'm starting from there. I could learn to get used to talking to strangers all the time, but that's the thing: I have to learn to get used to it. Employers don't want to wait for me to get used to it. They just want me to do it. I could, but it would be very awkward.

Really, I don't want to change how I am to impress employers. I'd rather wait and find a job that suits my personality more. Is that pathetic and lame? I've been told it is. I can't be picky. Not in this economy. Well, you know, employers are picky. And I know and they know that if the job doesn't suit my personality, I won't be the best employee they could find. And I'd rather not try to fool anyone into thinking I can be some person that I'm not. Especially in a professional environment.

And I've said this before. I'll say it again. I'm not career-oriented. I've learned that about myself. I don't think long-term about a career. I just can't. It's not in me to do so. I don't know what job I'm going to do or what job will make me happy. I think I would be happy no matter what job I find, as long as I'm not struggling day to day and I'm able to enjoy the small and big of everything in my life. A career is not for me. I could have a career, but I don't really care much about it.

Some people want a career for the money, the power, or the prestige. I don't care about the power or the prestige that may come along with a career. The money helps with living a sufficient life. But money comes with a job or a career. I just want stability and independence in my life, and money helps bring that stability and independence. So if a career can give me that, then all right! If not, then I'll move on to something that does.

Some people want a calling rather than a career. Who doesn't want to do something that calls to them and makes them happy? I currently have no calling. I don't know if I ever will. That's ok. I never thought I would ever feel motivated about anything, but this year I've had a few instances where motivation has hit me and it felt great. So it's possible I'll find my calling in the future.

So why am I saying all this? I don't know really. It's just been on my mind. Friends and strangers are constantly asking me what I do, what I want to do, what I plan to do, and where I am headed. I never really have an answer. I'm stuck. The answers are and have always been "I don't know." Back when the questions started in high school, I didn't know, and I wasn't making plans for my future. In college, it continued. It was only toward the end of college that I thought maybe I would like to go into the police academy. But I've continually changed my mind about it, feeling like I only chose it so that I could have an answer to all those questions. And now, that possibility is definitely out of my mind. No career appeals to me, and no career can cement its status as my aspiration.

I am just floating around until the world takes me somewhere I want to be. This lack of direction used to scare me. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. (I've witnessed and heard about everything that my peers have been able to do, and I've done nothing that could live up to what they've done.) Now, I'm embracing all that is me and all that is a part of me, lack of direction and all. And I'm waiting and thinking and taking in what I can get until I figure out how to mold and take the next step in my life.


I had so much more to say last night before I fell asleep. Sadly, I don't remember it. And I can't even finish my current thoughts. Must be the cold. It's making me too slow to keep up with the thoughts that stream through my head. Lost the rest of it. Oh well.

Hey, we're two days from the alleged end of the world. How awesome. Less than a week away from Christmas. Less than two weeks from 2013. What to do? What to do? Have fun? Sounds good!   

Don't fucking drink and drive.

Anger. So much anger.
 

Brother got another DUI this morning. D and I had to go pick him and Karina up from MVPD. Also had to pick up his car from the freeway.

I only had about three hours of sleep before Karina called me at 2:30am. Waited about another hour for the next call. Went to pick them and the car up. Took two hours because D and I didn't want to get a speeding ticket. And they didn't know exactly where the car was. We wasted more than half an hour going in the wrong direction and heading back in the right direction toward the car. Then took them both to their home. Brother had the fucking nerve to be irritable when he's the one who caused all his own problems.

My brain doesn't function well under little sleep. I've learned this many times. I can drive; it's almost perfunctory. But complex thoughts and ideas are lost on me.

So when I came home and Mother asked what happened, I responded with "He got a speeding ticket." For some reason, the conversation in the car had convinced me that Brother had only gotten a speeding ticket. (That was the reason the police initially stopped him) D corrected me and said that Brother got a DUI.

I spent the next hour or so trying to go back to sleep. But I couldn't. I was angry. Mother was angry (still is). She kept ranting for the next hour. She started cursing my name (or it felt like she was) for lying.

I didn't lie. I honestly believed that Brother only got a speeding ticket. It was only after I was in bed that I realized he couldn't have just gotten a speeding ticket. His BAC was way above the legal limit. Supposedly one-point-something. He's still on probation. Just under two years into it. That should have clicked in my head, but it didn't until after I answered Mother's question.

So she ranted about Brother. She also spent a good amount of time lying in her bed, calling me a liar and a witch. A no-good daughter. A disrespectful, selfish daughter. So on and so forth.

I couldn't say anything. So I just laid in bed and felt angry and hurt. Couldn't do anything. Couldn't leave. Couldn't call anyone. I just had to lie there and listen.

Eventually, she stopped. I still couldn't sleep.

I dunno when I fell asleep. But next thing I knew, I woke up at 8:30am. Had breakfast with D and talked to him about everything that happened this morning. Explained to him what really happened when I answered Mother's question. He believed me. Mother came out and started yelling at me for being a liar. "Ungrateful, disrespectful little liar!" She didn't even try to listen or understand.

Why would I lie? She's going to find out about what happened anyway. I had no reason to lie. I just misunderstood the situation. It's what happens when I'm not completely awake and aware.

So she spent a large portion of our morning yelling at D and me. D for "defending [Brother's] actions" and for "not caring enough about this family." Me for lying and being a horrible, disrespectful daughter. (Yesterday, she had annoyed and pissed me off when I was trying to help her, so I snapped at her. I often get annoyed when I try to help her with something because she gets mad at me if I can't do something for her or teach her something well. I also spend a disproportionate amount of time on the computer, watching movies and applying for jobs. I don't respond to her quickly enough when I'm on the computer because I usually wear my earbuds or am responding to emails. Oh, and I'd rather die having fun with my friends than die being yelled at by family.)

She just ranted and ranted. Repeating herself every so often.

Whatever she convinces herself to believe about situations and people while she's angry is what she'll believe when she's clear-headed. So she's already cemented everything she said in her mind. And she's twisted everything that D and I have said. She's just finding reasons to be angry at us because Brother isn't here for her to yell at yet. When he gets here, she'll start it all up again. I know it.

Anyway, our morning "conversation" eventually led to her lambasting me for not finding a job yet and living off of her and making things harder for her. Then D and I had an actual discussion about me finding work and moving out, while she interjected just to criticize what we were saying. I've always had an idea of a plan; she just never wanted to listen and she always thought her ideas were better, so I've tried to follow her ideas. Obviously, I haven't gotten anywhere. But if she thinks all I do on my computer is play around, she's fucking wrong. Does she really think I don't wanna get the fuck out of here, away from her? I'm trying to get out of here but by her rules so that I won't mess with her living situation when I leave.

So D and I talked. I have an idea of a plan. But I need to talk to some friends.

Anyway, now she's calmer. But she's still jumping down our throats any chance she gets.

I love her. I hate her. She becomes the most vicious, scathing, vitriolic person I know when she's anxious and angry. I can't be around her when she's like that. I get so anxious and terrified that I don't know what to do. I get angry too because I feel like it's so unfair that she's taking out all of her anger on us. For small things. For things she wouldn't be angry about if she just listened to us. Since I really don't know how to express my anger, all I can do is cry.

I've said this before. If I'm angry and not crying, I'm not that angry; it's something I can get over quickly. But if I'm angry and crying, you know I'm fucking angry and I'm not coming down from that for a while and not without help.

But now, I can't be around people.

You know what's so sad about this for me? This is probably the first time I've felt so depressed and torn down since April.

What's worse? Mother never once thought about how Brother could have died or killed someone. All she cared about was him going to jail. If she did think about it, she didn't say anything. Every time I hear that Brother has been arrested for a DUI or whatever, I'm always grateful to hear that he didn't hurt anybody else. But I can't say anything about it because Mother will twist what I'm saying against me and I can't defend myself.


So that thing about me preferring to die with friends instead of family? Not what I had said at all. I had mentioned End of the World parties happening on December 21. I was explaining the idea of the parties was to poke fun at the predictions. Also, in case it does come true, at least you'll be having fun with family and friends before you die instead of panicking and not enjoying your last moments being alive. My Vietnamese may not be the best, but how the hell did she think I meant that I would rather die with friends than with family? I didn't say anything remotely close to that. I didn't say anything about me either. I was explaining the concept of the parties. She misinterpreted, and now she really believes I don't love my family enough.


I hope I won't ever be like Brother or Mother. I hope I learn from my stupidity and my anger. If I ever end up like them in any way, please slap me.

Anyway, I'm done. I want to stop thinking about all this. But she just keeps reminding me of all the crap we went through this morning. I need to stop thinking. My head hurts so much.

I can't be around anyone, but I so desperately need to cry and yell and be frustrated and be held by someone. What a perplexing feeling.

Headache, Coffee, Restlessness

Why did I start feeling pain the day before I go dancing? -_-

I went through all of yesterday with major lower back pain and a major headache. Made it difficult to sleep.

This morning, I decided to have some coffee to help relieve my headache. It worked; the headache seems to have mostly gone away. But now, I feel slightly jittery and restless -_- Not too much, but I don't like it.

My back ache seems to have gone away too.

I hope my pains stay away for tonight. I'm going to be so sad if my headache comes back. I wouldn't be able to withstand the music at the club T-T

Anyway, I can't wait for tonight. Dancing at Cockblock. With a bunch of people that I haven't gone dancing with in a long time or at all. Haven't gone clubbing with Harrison since sometime in the beginning of this year. Haven't gone dancing with Shiva since last December. Vivi and I have technically gone into a club together recently. Ran into Karishma the first time I ever went dancing. Never been dancing with Jen or Mai. And then the other people who are going are people I've never met.

Hopefully, tonight shall be a good night. I'm so excited :D

Blah. My brain. Can't keep thinking too much or else my headache is gonna come back T-T I need a massage.

What to do to bring in 2013?

2009, I partied with Ariane and her dance friends.
2010, I celebrated with Harrison and his friends.
2011, I skyped with Shiva and her friend.
2012, I hung out with Autumn, Maggie, Elora, and others.

For 2013, I think I just wanna chill with someone different. Keep the trend going.

My hopeful romantic side wants a New Year's kiss :P

Ideally, I just want to celebrate New Year's with someone special.

Realistically, I might end up just celebrating with people I've celebrated with before.

What a dilemma. (No, no, it isn't)

Hmm, we'll see what happens this time around. Maybe something surprising and unexpected will happen :D

As long as it's exciting and memorable, I'll be happy :)

I feel like I ruined Thanksgiving for my family.

Last night, Brother and his girlfriend, Karina, took me and Vivi to Singlebarrel. First time there for us two. Pretty awesome. Would like to come back eventually. I had a Pink Lady and an English Cosmo (Shiva's recommendation). Liked them.

Though, the thought of alcohol right now makes me queasy >.<

We went to Brix afterward. Vivi and I split a Tokyo Tea. (queasy again) I had to keep her from drinking too much too fast. But I ended up doing that. At some point, Brother and Karina came to us with two more drinks. Did not finish.

Whether I finished them or not, I would have gotten sick anyway. Before midnight.

A lot of firsts last night. First time Vivi and I got seriously inebriated together. First time I've gotten totally messed up in public. First time I've ever been escorted out of a club. First time I've ever puked out of a car window.

I have vowed to stop drinking for the next four months. Not even beer. Not even for New Year's. I'll be a DD if I go clubbing.

Oh man, people at Brix are gonna remember me... I was wearing my teethy hat. If they see it, they'll remember me. Bleh.

Spent the night at Karina's. Puked throughout the night and morning. Didn't leave to go home until 1pm.

So Mother is really pissed off at me and Brother because she thinks I never tried to call her to tell her I wasn't coming home. I tried. She never answered her phone. She called me, but I never heard her call. So she thinks I was ignoring her call. I wasn't. But she won't believe me.

I do feel bad that she couldn't sleep because of me. I don't feel bad for staying out though. Though, I do feel bad for drinking too much -_- Again. Ugh.

I should have continued trying to call her, but I think I just got too wasted to remember to call.

I wish I could apologize for worrying her so much, but she won't listen.

So what now? The angry, silent treatment. And no more Thanksgiving dinner with the whole family /:

I feel absolutely horrible for ruining that. Can't do anything about it now. Just have to wait out her anger. But she's probably going to hold onto it and bring it up every time she gets mad at me.

I hope I never turn my worry into anger so easily...

San Jose Minimum Wage 2012

So the votes have been counted. We're going to have a new low: $10 an hour.

Congratulations, Myers-Lipton and the SJ Living Wage Campaign.

Now, I feel like it's going to be even more difficult for me to find a minimum-wage, full-time job. But anything can happen, yeah? Like maybe I'll move to another city to find a job. We'll see.

Initially, I was behind increasing the minimum wage to $10 an hour because it sounded great; more people at the bottom can afford things they need. But soon enough, I realized changing the minimum wage doesn't change much. It doesn't encourage job creation, but it also doesn't discourage it. If your costs go up or profits go down, you increase your prices to make up for it. If you make more money, you spend more money. But if prices go up, you have to spend more money than you used to anyway.

Prices go up with the costs.

Why can't everything be free? And we all just do as much as we can to contribute to the creation and freeness of everything haha. That would be nice. But human beings can be lazy, selfish, thoughtless, greedy, etc etc. Yeah yeah yeah... It was just a thought.

2012 US Presidential Election

I would laugh if Mitt Romney won the popular vote but Barack Obama won the electoral votes.

It would remind me of the 2000 election, but with Al Gore getting the popular votes and George Bush getting the electoral votes.

According to Google Politics & Elections, at this time:
Obama - 48.7% of pop votes - 252 electoral votes
Romney - 50.0% of pop votes - 200 electoral votes

Trippy.


Edit (November 6, 8:38 PM):
Obama - 49.1% and 265
Romney - 49.5% and 200

We really need to take out the electoral college. Even though I don't want Romney to win, this outcome is ridiculous. Doesn't matter how many votes you get. What matters is where those few key votes are located.


Edit (November 6, 8:45 PM):
Obama - 49.2% and 274
Romney - 49.4% and 200

It was already predicted that Obama won. But hey, can't wait to see what the final tally is.

And again, electoral college is flawed because of the rules that are in place. We should just go by the popular vote!

Surprise!

So yesterday, Vivi came over to my house to hang out for a while before dinner with Brother and Karina--his girlfriend. We were amusing ourselves with YouTube and Sporcle (yay, new website to waste time on haha).

We went to dinner at San Pedro Square. We walked through to the bar.

Suddenly, a group of moustached thirteen friends started singing happy birthday to me from behind O.O I was in shock. I know I was. I kept saying it for the first two hours.

It turned out that Brother and Shiva were in cahoots in planning a surprise birthday dinner for me. I've never had a surprise birthday thing before...

It was simply amazing :)

Must name all the thirteen people who showed up before I forget: Shiva, Mai, Ariane, Ariane's boyfriend Felix (he has the same birthday as me :D), Autumn, Harrison, Brian L, Lisa, Albert, Christine, Jen, Chau, and Jonathan G.

I have some awesome friends haha. I'm still surprised that Vivi didn't let anything slip though XP

So totally unexpected. Biggest birthday celebration I've ever had. Overwhelming, but so fun.

I dunno what to say other than I was just really happy to see some of my closest friends for my birthday :) There were people from like four different groups of my friends. Two groups from high school and two from college. And they all seemed to get along :D Awesome.

I know I normally recount every detail I can muster about events, but I think I'll remember this night pretty well. Even if I was (exaggeratedly) inebriated. Only four drinks. A Long Beach, a Tokyo Tea, and two Strawberry Blasts from Flames (we relocated from SPS).

Ooh, I know I liked the cake. Forgot what's in it already... but it was good cake. From Aki's Bakery :D

Got gifts from Lisa, Christine, and Albert. Oh, they know me so well. Catered to my inner puzzle geek and sleepy kitten sides. Two Sudoku books, one of those brain teaser blocks things, food bowls, and a pillow XD

There was also a card signed by the thirteen surprise guests :P

Ahh, I know I also kept saying that I didn't know I had this many friends. I really felt like I didn't haha. That's probably what contributed to the overwhelmed feeling.


Last night is making me think about my previous two blog entries... or rethink. I dunno.

I'm on cloud nine today. Hope the feeling lasts.

Supposed to go to Target with Shiva later today and then to the movies for Wreck-It Ralph with her, Brian, and maybe Harrison (not sure if he understood that I invited him).


I dunno how to end this entry... I'm just really happy and grateful for the friends I have :)