Ready to face my fate?

I turned in early last night in the hopes of getting some restful sleep.

I had an intense dream that I think was a continuation of another that I had recently. It felt so real.

I was convicted of murder because I had killed someone who tried to rob me. I had shot him in the back as he ran away.

My previous dream was the trial and the lead-up to the execution. I was in shock and crying, and my friends were trying to comfort me and petitioning the court to change their decision.

This last dream was the day of the execution. I got to spend time with my mom in a makeshift house connected to the execution chamber. I was sitting at a desk with the wooden door behind my back; my inevitable fate was on the other side of it. I ended up organizing my things to give away and sat down to write a last letter on a long scrap of paper to my friends and family. My mom was compulsively cleaning as if this place was our home. She didn't talk to me, but I could feel her sadness and fear.

It was weird. I started off the dream feeling scared, hopeless, and angry. As I wrote the letter, telling folks not to be angry and to accept what was happening, I began to feel less scared and more accepting of the situation myself. I just wanted more time to finish my letter.

Soon, I noticed noise from behind the door that led to the execution area. The noise had been building up over time. It was all the people who were there to witness the execution and also a few friends who wanted to disrupt the process.

I stood up, unfinished with the letter, and turned toward the door, ready to face what was about happen. Someone burst through the door, but I can't recall who it was. I just remember the noise got significantly louder, and I woke up.

----

I haven't remembered such a vivid dream in probably six months at least. I had forgotten about the previous dream until I woke up from this one. But this felt extremely familiar. It felt so real, like I was really experiencing it. All of the emotions and memories were so clear in the moment.

It was trippy. When I woke up, I slowly came to realize that I was not going to be executed. Relief has set in. But now I have questions. I don't remember everything that felt so clear moments before. I just know it happened.

I'm not sure how I feel about waking up like this haha.

I like to think that our dreams are windows into our countless, alternate lives if they exist. Sometimes, they overlap and create weird anomalies with the logic haha. Or really the logic of those realities are just that different.

Anyway, I feel like there is a parallel between how I dealt with accepting my fate there and how I've been dealing with my anxiety recently. We can't fight inevitability. I'm learning to accept and let go. It's a very arduous process in which I sometimes take the wrong steps. But I've been getting better, I think. I hope so. Maybe this dream is evidence of that? Haha

Broke to Not-So-Broke

I don't know why it just hit me that I have technically been a broke 21-year-old living with her mom for about a year after college. No work experience, no job, no prospects.

When I finally got my first job at a factory, making $8.50 an hour, I moved out of my mom's and lived out of a suitcase on my ex's futon in her living room for a couple of months. I lived off of many Hot Pockets and the amazing generosity of friends and strangers.

My next job paid me $10 an hour for the work of three people but wouldn't provide me with sufficient training. It was stressful, and there was no support.

I quickly left that job for a two-year contract with a staffing agency at a large tech company. Granted, there was a two and a half week gap in my employment because my new employer couldn't start me when they said they would. And I was laid off a month before my contract ended. But I had been a trainer for a year on that team. So yay, experience!

Fortunately, my site manager believed in me and helped me connect with a recruiter from another agency for the same tech company. I ended up starting on a new team just a week and a half after my last day. I'm hitting my two-year mark on this team in less than two weeks. There have been so many changes in two years; there were times when I doubted my place on this team. I still do, but I'm dealing with it.

So far, I've never worked in the city that I lived in. None of my jobs are related to my degree. Turnover is high at all places I've worked.

I have more money now than I've had before. It's not much, but it's something. I go out and spend way more than I used to. Now, I feel like I actually have to relearn how to enjoy time alone.

Life has been really good to me. I've been able to always keep a roof over my head and some food in my stomach. I've had loving folks take care of me and help me with so many things that I should learn to do on my own. I have many protectors and guardians.

I'm grateful every day of my life. Even when I don't feel it, I know I'm lucky.

Life has been good to me. I question if I've been good to life in return. I hope so.

Halfway through 2017

I didn't stick to everything I said I would do this year. Oh well.

I didn't go to CRSSD or Beyond So Cal. My generous friends paid for my Sunday ticket for Dreamstate SF, and I did go to EDC Las Vegas for the fourth time but with just Matt (and Ant and Christina) and had an amazing time. I dipped out early the first and third nights though. Regrets. Oh well. Gotta listen to my body when it's telling me to rest.

EDC ate up more than half of my ticket budget for the year. About $120 left to spend for the last six months. It's cool though. While the fomo kinda sucks, I'm feeling all right with my music decisions. More money toward traveling, yay!

I visited Vivi in Portland in February, and that was mostly fun. A weekend in the life of Vivi. I learned a lot and was amazed by how many luscious, green trees there were. Pace of life is definitely much more chill than the Bay Area. For the first time in my life, I felt like I was going too fast haha. It was a nice change for sure. I gotta go back and explore.

Santa Barbara in March was great; I spent some time with Summer, who was my Untz buddy last year. Year 2 of Untz was even better. Summer brought a group of her friends, and we caravanned to Mariposa. All the underground bass music we could handle.

I made a couple of not-so-great decisions in Santa Barbara and again at Untz. Anxiety and paranoia have been miserable friends since, and it's been a slow and agonizing process to learn how to cope. But I'm doing it. Properly? I'm not sure. I still need to find a therapist.

But hey, I finally went to the dentist after almost six years. My teeth are pretty darn healthy, but I brush too hard. So I've been practicing gentle brushing haha.

Anyway, back to traveling. Matt and I flew to Seattle and took a train to Vancouver during Fourth of July weekend. That was exciting. First time in Seattle, first time on Amtrak (I think), and definitely my first time out of the US. Lots of new experiences and plenty of delicious food.

We had dinner at the restaurant at the top of the Space Needle. That was the most expensive dinner I had ever eaten or paid for. $50 minimum per person. I understand why it's so costly, but it's ridiculous. We got a great view of Seattle though on the observation deck. Then Matt's friend Jonathan picked us up to take us to Capitol Hill to check out Purr and R Place. I just sat along the wall and chilled.

MoPOP was fascinating; so much pop culture knowledge in one location. A lot of familiar movies and TV shows, but I probably noticeably reacted to a handful of exhibits. Afterward, we walked through Pike Place Market, but it was too crowded for my comfort. So we walked to Moon's Kitchen. Delicious.

The train ride to Vancouver was nice. Although, I do recall being mooned by a man and woman on a beach at some point. That was... different. When we arrived in Vancouver, there was a fireworks show happening near our hotel because it was Canada Day. The whole weekend was a celebration; so it was cool to see Canadians celebrate all weekend, while I knew my friends back home were celebrating Independence Day weekend as well.

We had to take a taxi to our hotel from the train station, but it took a while since all of the taxis were picking people up near the fireworks show. We probably got to the hotel after midnight. The hotel upgraded our room to a suite. So fancy. 4 times the amount we paid. I could have spent my whole vacation in that room if I hadn't already paid to do things outside of it haha.

Waking up late the next day, we walked to Heritage Asian Eatery. The name made us a little doubtful, but the food surprised us. Very satisfying meal. After a bit of rest, we took the SkyTrain to the Richmond Night Market. Again, surprised. So many Asians. So much good food. Matt and I left the market with adorable plushies. I now have a six-limbed octopus that has a mustache, top hat, and monocle haha.

We checked out Davie Street because why not? Gay night life on a Sunday. Ended up at The Pumpjack Pub >.> interesting name. Had a beer and didn't do much.

Our last day in Vancouver, we took a seabus and a regular bus to Capilano Suspension Bridge Park. Beautiful and calming place, too many children. The suspension bridge itself scared me at first because it felt like it was trying to buck me off. But I managed to find a rhythm to the movement haha.

We had our last meal in North Vancouver at Mr. Sushi. So worth the money. They don't overdo it with the rice. So I actually managed to finish two full rolls along with one piece from one of Matt's rolls.

The train ride back to Seattle was a bit irritating. We arrived at the station at 5:30am, an hour before departure. The train was late. We waited in line to get our seat assignments. But that line didn't open until 6:30. Fortunately, Canadian customs was quick. I think our train departed over an hour late. US customs on the train was much quicker than I expected; so that was nice. Still, we got to Seattle with no time to eat. Jonathan picked us up and dropped us off at the airport. Then we were back haha.

We spent the rest of our day hanging out at Cat's with Ant, Bella, Kim (Cat's coworker), and Amenda. Good day :)


I didn't mean to say so much about my vacation, but it's there now.

We're still planning to go to Hawaii in September for Matt's birthday. Everything has been bought. Activities just need to be planned.

No other set plans for now. Going to try to make time to visit Shiva in So Cal before the summer is over.


Oh, I applied for an open position on another team at work and got it. I've been learning new things at work for the past three months. I was hoping taking on this new role and more responsibilities would increase my interest in work, but it didn't. Oh well. I'm still learning, and I've been doing pretty well in my new role. I'm happy with that.


----

I've been re-evaluating my life a lot. Thinking about the overall journey, the adventures and misadventures, luck and misfortune, wonderful help and terrible advice, good and bad decisions. Not sure how I'm feeling about it all.

I've been feeling disconnected from people again. I think I've been putting myself around so many people so frequently that it's taking a toll on me.

Maybe I just need to change a few small things in my life. Get a fresh perspective or something. I'm gonna try to rearrange my bedroom tomorrow. Maybe that will help.

I'm so averse to change, but I know I need it sometimes.


I don't know what I'm doing for the rest of the year, but I need to start making more plans. I still want to do something other than rave. I also just wanna feel like I'm getting my life right, whatever that means.

----

There is a cat in my room at the moment. I should attend to her before she rips up my bed sheets.

Random thought after cooling off from this past weekend

Use of imprecise language, intentional or otherwise, often leads to misunderstanding and miscommunication.

Use of precise language makes little difference if you don't have the same set of definitions and connotations as your audience.

----

I'm pretty sure my parents still don't understand a lot of the basic American things I've tried to explain. I'm also sure I don't fully grasp the weight of the Vietnamese stories my parents have shared with me. It's an ongoing process, but we make progress with every casual conversation and deep discussion.

----

I like to think it's all of the short and long conversations in my life with family, friends, and strangers that really shaped the majority of my view of the world.

I think that's how everyone's perspective is shaped in general. Conversation. Everyday exchanges of thoughts and feelings and random observations. Of course, there are other influences. But conversation is what gradually opens my eyes to things I couldn't see before, even if I can't see it in that moment.

If people could understand that, maybe some of them would stop shouting and listen. But whatever, left or right, everyone wants to win and avoid being "on the wrong side of history." That's something we won't know until this is over. When will it be over? Will it end? What is it?

----

I worry more about social policies than I do about economic ones simply because my understanding of economics is still very limited. On the other hand, social policies are very easy for me to understand. Lots of fear about what will happen with legislation in regard to LGBT, immigrant, and women's rights. Republicans haven't been super friendly or open to compromise in the past. Granted, it would be great to get our economy on track, but it wouldn't mean much if my quality of life was reduced in other ways.

But we'll see what happens. We'll see if some miracle happens and the gov actually works for and with the majority and the minority of this country. Maybe not now, but one day...

Rave life chose me.

I've been going to events for more than three years now. Each subsequent year has found me attending more events than the previous. I thought I would slow down, but that didn't happen. Until now.

The rave scene has changed a lot. Granted, people who've been doing this longer than I have have seen way more changes. But I, for one, have started to feel jaded and nostalgic. It's only been three years.

I still want to enjoy the music. I was never really one to connect with the people at events, but I feel more disconnected now than ever. Countdown changed that a bit. I felt more connected than I usually do. It was a nice change. It reminded me of why I started and continued to rave in the first place. I can't quite explain it because I'm not sure I really understand what happened. Everything just seemed to flow together a little better at Countdown than at Escape or even Dreamstate So Cal.

Anyway, there wasn't really a point to that. I just wanted to put the thought down.

I come to the same realization over and over again. I've spent a lot of my income on raving. It's an expensive hobby that requires travel, lodging, food, etc. And lots and lots of rest and recovery. Would I change any of it and spend my money more wisely? Probably not. I've gained a lot of experiences and memories, both wonderful and terrifying, which have helped me grow, learn, and see the world in a different light.

But the sheer amount of money I've spent is mind-boggling to say the least. I never saw myself as a big spender. I still don't. But my bank account would beg to differ. Yeah, I've met people who spent more on a handful of raves than I have in my entire three-year adventure. But for me to throw money at raves so easily, that idea would have baffled me just five years ago.

I guess getting my first job just opened up all these opportunities, and the inner wild child that never experienced much got to do what she wanted to do. And she's been having a hell of a time.

Of course, life catches up sometimes to remind me that I have responsibilities or that I should start thinking about the future a little more carefully. I'm still having trouble doing that, but I'm taking baby steps. I have goals (who would've thought?). Long-term and short-term. Trying to find a balance. Trying to figure out where my priorities lie, how selfish I should be, when I'll make things happen. And these goals keep changing and rearranging haha.

I'm trying to be more thoughtful, while still putting myself first. It's hard not to feel like I'm not doing enough, but I don't even know what enough is. All I can really focus on now is surviving in the Bay, working, helping my family when they need it, and not losing my mind trying to do all this. Mental health issues don't help much, but for now I'm dealing with it. Granted, I've not talked to a doctor about it. Really, I haven't been to a doctor in quite some time. At least a year. I know I'm paying for it, but I'm not utilizing it. I really should, especially if the government is planning to gut the ACA soon :/

Anyway, I'm trying to find new hobbies and rediscover old ones. Trying to ease the financial weight of my current hobby haha. Also, trying to promote self-care. My friend Matt had a conversation with me recently because he was worried about me. It brought to light a lot of issues I've been having and running from. Nothing new. Just stuff that's always been there, that I've fought and struggled with successfully and unsuccessfully. It's a cycle that I often find myself in.

I feel like my thoughts are going in circles now haha. I'm just trying to find some peace, calm, confidence, and a stronger sense of self. Raving used to help me with that, and then it didn't. Now it's kinda helping again. But I gotta make sure I don't go overboard with it. And I want to find other things and activities to help too.

For now, I'm still a little stuck on that. I'm getting back into my sudoku puzzles haha. Been trying to get back into reading, but I'm struggling with that. I'm not sure why. Otherwise, I'm still flipping through ideas for hobbies. What makes it hard is I get more anxiety being around strangers nowadays, which is so funny because I go raving only to be surrounded by strangers all the time. But yeah, I'm trying to work with that. Hence, the solo activities for now. Eventually, I'll hopefully venture out into the world more.

2017... I'm going to travel. Well, I'll try. No EDC. The three times I've left California were to go to EDC Las Vegas. I must go elsewhere.

First up, Portland! I know three friends up there. I can fly! Now, I know I'm okay on a plane after flying back home after Dreamstate. Hoping I can deal with airports on my own... Must book flights soon...

I also want to visit Seattle just because. I want to visit my friend Summer in Santa Barbara; I've never driven down the PCH, and so I look forward to this. Also going to visit a couple of other folks sprinkled about the US. Matt wants to go to Hawaii for his birthday; so that may be a trip I'm planning to do too. I just read a blog about how a guy travelled across the US by train for a couple hundred dollars. That also sounds intriguing.

Travel plans are a reason I want to cut back on raving. Another important one is family. Rough times right now. I feel like I should be ready to help financially. Although, I don't have that much to my name. I should still have something available in case of emergency.

I feel like a bad person. I say I want to help, but I also want to do all these fun things. I am not sure how to reconcile. I'm just moving forward with my plans and hoping that I'm doing right by myself and others.

----

In any case, my 2017 rave ticket budget is $850. I'd do a more detailed budget, but I think budgeting for just tickets is limiting enough haha.

So far, so good. Despite all the temptation, I have only spent a total of $160 for Crush SF in February and Untz Festival in June haha. I think by this time last year, I was set to go to five or six events by the end of March XD

I'm now trying to decide what one or two events I may add between February and June.

CRSSD: March 4-5 in San Diego, a city I have never visited. I like the lineup. Lots of small names I wanna see. About $165. Need to think about travel and lodging.
Beyond So Cal: March 25-26 in San Bernardino, which I've travelled to many times. Still waiting for the lineup. About $190. Travel and lodging can be booked through Insomniac.
Dreamstate: May 27-28 in SF, which I'm fairly familiar with. Won't know the lineup for a while. But this would be the cheapest choice. Usually about $150. Basic commute to SF. Although, it would also be the weekend before Untz. How much energy would I have?

I want to consider Shaky Beats in Atlanta because their lineup is amazing, but my math puts this event way over my budget, especially if I'm trying to spread out my events through the year. I'm also reminding myself that it's not the end of the world if I don't attend all these events. I was fine before I knew they existed. I must not give power to the fomo.

----

First world problems? Yeah, I know... <.<;;

2016 Election

I woke up to the results at 2am. I'm still processing.

To see a man, who doesn't even treat the people in his personal and professional life well, win the presidency breaks my heart. I know he will not treat America well.

Who does he actually care about? Who is he willing to protect? Will he listen to those whom he now represents? Will he treat all of us, not just those who benefit him, with kindness? Many of the promises and deals he has made in his life, he has broken and will break many times over for his own benefit.

I do not see a lot of good coming out of this election. Everything is red. Executive, Legislative, and probably the Judicial eventually as well. But I know I'm definitely having an emotional reaction. But the fear is real.

I fear for the safety of my friends and family. That's really the only thing that bothers me in all of this. We have a lot we can lose. I don't know exactly what yet; we'll have to see what happens for sure, what kind of tug-o-war we'll get ourselves into. But I'm anticipating a loss so great that I can't even fathom it.

I'm not angry. These were the results. I get that. But for now, I cannot get over this overwhelming fear. This fear has always been present, floating underneath the surface of my mind, but now it has come out and been shoved in my face.

But give me some time. Maybe the fear will subside a little or invigorate me. I want to see what happens. I want to see what we will do as a people.

If they try to trample on our safety or treat us like animals with less than human rights, we will rise.

All I ask is to be treated as a human being. All I ask is that you protect my friends and family to the best of your ability. Defend your fellow Americans as if we are your family. I will do the same for you to the best of my ability as a fellow citizen and human being.

Emotional Times

I don't know what is, but I feel like I've become a much more emotional person over the past couple of years. Or maybe just more willing to be emotive.

I feel like I haven't gone more than a week at a time without crying about something, whether it is a legitimate reason to be upset.

At times, it all just seems to be a buildup to something in my life. Sometimes, it feels like I hit that epiphany, and everything settles for a little while. Other times, there is no epiphany, no release from the buildup; and I'm left wondering, and then I deflate.

I'm not really sure what the point of this is. I guess... Despite how much it sucks to feel super low or emotional, I'm glad I don't struggle to suppress my feelings as much or keep my feelings from flatlining anymore. I'm learning and practicing this full immersion of my emotions. I'm learning that self-suppression is not self-control. It's been a rough ride, but I think this is helping me grow as a person.

I can't say I don't take a lot of steps back. I do. I fall back into old, bad habits when I forget how to handle my stress and decompress. But I'm trying to see it as "Hey, look, I've taken steps to break bad habits. It's better to say that I fall into old habits here and there rather than I can't break my bad habits at all."

My low points are not moments of weakness. They are moments of strength because I survived them. If I can hit rock bottom and still find a way out of the pit I fell into, then there is a strength there and I tapped into it. I forget that strength from time to time. But if I can continue to remember that strength when I need it, I'm doing all right.

----

I'm trying to understand myself better, be more empathetic toward myself and others, and give myself a chance to actually be happy with who I am. It's difficult. Sometimes, I wish I could just fool myself into trusting the person that I am. I get that validation from the people around me, but for some reason I can't get it from myself. Here and there, I think I do trust myself. But that feeling doesn't stay for very long.

I have a fear in trusting myself and trusting others. I know this distrust is not unique to me. I know a lot of people who have the same fear, even those I didn't think would. I'm learning to trust that we all understand each other in a way after all, even if we don't necessarily want to haha.

----

Maybe none of this makes sense, but I don't know how to explain it any better.

----

I just want my equilibrium back. I think I'm slowly finding it. It's like I'm standing on a balance board, and the conditions changes around me. There are lots of falls as I try to maintain balance, but I'm getting back up, learning, adjusting, adapting, and doing whatever I need to do to get the right balance.

Ever-changing. Can't stay stagnant.

----

I hope I'm making good decisions. But I realize I can only do what I can do, feel what I feel, etc. Likewise for everyone else. Just need to remind myself that everyone struggles, but no two people's struggles are exactly the same. Gotta make sure my empathy doesn't disappear haha.

I'm a creature of habit. Unfortunately, I'm prone to depression (not diagnosed), which just feels like a collection of bad habits that I'm constantly struggling to break. Sometimes, I'm successful. Sometimes, I succeed and then fall back into old habits.

I know I can break the bad habits. Getting started is always the hardest part of doing anything. I just can't remember how I motivated myself to start all those other times.

Maybe I'll start dancing at work every day. I only do it every so often now. Maybe I just need to get myself moving.

Maybe I'll do things that used to make me really happy. Before the partying started haha. I'm giving myself more free time on the weekends now, and I have no clue what to do. I end up just staying in bed all day. So maybe I'll get back into reading and doing puzzles. I think I have to re-learn how to be alone, something that I used to really enjoy.

I think I also need to re-learn how to interact with the world and be out there with people. I should make that a habit again.

Team No Sleep? More like Team Want Sleep But Can't Sleep haha. But it's okay. I'll find my way back to Team Sleep All Night someday.

Today, I got out of bed before my alarm. There was no struggle with the snooze button. Probably the first time in months. I didn't try. I just got up. I don't remember the last time it felt this easy.

I didn't do anything else differently last night. I don't know why today is different. It's not really. It's familiar. I've been here before. I just forgot what it felt like to move forward. I'm probably going to forget over and over. But I'll keep remembering too.

Just one step at a time. I know I'm always taking two steps forward and one step back. But I gotta remember that I'm moving. That's what matters. I'm not stuck. Keep the movement going.

I just had the longest, deepest conversation with Tony. I was not ready. I definitely did not expect to cry. He's upset I don't spend more time with family. I feel guilty because I've been thinking the same thing for a while.

Bright side: My brother and I are finally trying to connect on a deeper level. He's never revealed so much to me before. All in one phone conversation.

I really do hope we get to know each other better. It's what I had wanted for so long, but I gave up on it.

Ugh, life, why do you have to do this to me now?

Weekend of Destiny

I spent this past Friday and Saturday experiencing many new things. First inaugural festival. First small festival. First time really camping. First time going to a festival with a stranger (so it was almost like a solo trip). First time making strong connections with folks on my own. First time spending most of festival sitting down and still enjoying everything haha.

The Untz Festival. Top-notch everything. People, venue, production, music, atmosphere, everything.

Initially, I was planning to go completely solo. No idea with lodging or transportation. But in April, I decided to post on the Facebook event page to see anyone would adopt me into their group for the weekend. This wonderful stranger named Summer from SB replied to say she was going solo as well and offered to share her tent with me. And so the start of adventure was in the making.

I picked up Summer from the Greyhound stop at the Caltrain station early in the morning on Friday. We spent some time in downtown getting her coffee and getting food supplies from Safeway. Also, I was trying so damn hard to find a restroom to use. Nothing open before 9. Flames came through and let me use the restroom without having to buy anything haha. Thank goodness. Anyway...

Mariposa County Fairgrounds. Such a beautiful place. It only took about 2.5 hours to get there from San Jose. We set up camp in one of the pavilions and greeted some neighbors. Dusty, but not too bad. I think this was also the first time I've brought so much stuff with me. Not used to it. Used to hotels providing enough that I only bring one or two bags. Oh, but the heat. So hot. I was dying during the day (99 degrees! Low-80s at 9AM. Survived off of watermelon slushy drinks and caffeinated beverages). But luckily, the day stages, Half Dome and El Capitan, had canopies or mesh cover thingies (I really don't know what they're called). The night stages, Matterhorn and Glacier Point, were indoors and farther away from the main camping areas. All beautiful and unique setups. Initially, I thought the stages and screens were really small. But when the visuals came on, I was so blown away.

Hippie/gypsy vibes were new to me, but they grew on me and I loved it. People were so weird but so friendly; I mean, people have been nice at the other events I've attended, but the friendliness and atmosphere here were something else. Summer and I met several folks, whom we continued to run into throughout the weekend. Nate first (SF) and his friend Claire. Summer's new rave bae Zach and his friends Eric and Derek, all from 2 hours north of Seattle. All sorts of weirdness ensued. I loved it all. And I'm so grateful that everyone I met didn't mind that I was a follower haha. Too nervous to explore on my own. Maybe next year.

I came in only knowing of a handful of the artists (mostly of the melodic bass genre). I left, knowing there are so much more I want to listen to. Every set I heard was fantastic. All the funk and psychedelic music, I've listened to but never preferred. I still don't think I prefer them, but I have a newfound appreciation for the music. And I would definitely check out more events that feature these types of music. My top sets of the weekend (I'm not even sure I know how to rank them): Said The Sky (great first set to start the weekend), Illenium, Phutureprimitive, Bass Physics, Sugarbeats, Sixis, and Mystral. I listened to Desert Dwellers' set yesterday at work because Summer and I missed their set to nap. (Second time she's missed their set; so I say third time will be the charm.)

Summer and I kept joking that Destiny was on our side all weekend. I don't really believe in fate or destiny. But everything just seemed to fall together so well throughout the weekend. So this weekend became the Weekend of Destiny. Haha because she found rave bae, I got to sleep in our tent by myself both nights XD No complaints. A little lonely, but it was all good. Plenty of self-care and introspection time for myself.

I came into this festival not knowing or expecting anything. Well, okay, I kinda expected to be overwhelmed and not have that great of a time because this was a new festival and I didn't know how my introverted nature would affect my experience. I was very much introverted this weekend, but it didn't prevent me from fully enjoying myself. The friends I made were fucking wonderful, and no one made me feel like a loser for not "fully immersing" myself in the camaraderie. I got to do what I wanted to do without feeling like anyone would judge me for not doing it their way; and I often feel like people would judge me at other events I've gone to. But not at Untz. I was sitting for much of the weekend and not dancing much. But I was totally enjoying every second.

I hope the Untz Festival comes back because I will definitely go again. There is a chance it might not; the turnout was really low. So low that there really weren't any lines for anything, not the vendors, not the restrooms, not the showers. So low that, even at the most packed sets, there was so much room to dance directly in front of the stage. So low there was enough space for all of the flow artists to do their thing in the crowd. People gave space where it was needed. Last time I saw that was at Dreamstate SF, a trance event. I'm so used to people shoving me out of the way otherwise. At Untz, everyone was really nice and courteous :) All such beautiful people, even if I didn't talk to many of them haha.

Oh, just remembered, Summer and I got little chips of abalone shells and Pokemon cards from someone named Mikey. I got Clefable, and Summer got Cofagrigus (never heard of this one before haha). Not big on Pokemon, but it was still very exciting haha.

So much happened this past weekend, but I'm blanking on specifics. I was hoping that writing this entry would jog my memory, but it's not haha. Overall though, this was just an eye-opening and mind-blowing experience. One I didn't think I would ever experience. I mean, I thought EDC was great the first time, but Untz was something else entirely. And to think, I was sober for most of it haha. (Alcohol was cheap though.)

If this happens again, I'm definitely camping. Also definitely gonna try to bring someone with me. If not, well hopefully everyone I met will reunite at the next ^_^

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I have EDC next week. And I'm already wondering how it will compare to Untz. I've been to EDC twice, and it's been a great experience. But I haven't experienced anything like what I had at the Untz. The EDC crowdedness is gonna get to me for sure. The restrooms won't be the same; they'll be port-a-potties >.< But I'm not gonna let this shit get in the way of my enjoyment. As much as I didn't want to go to EDC this year, I really am looking forward to reuniting with a lot of friends this time around. The past two years, EDC was just for the music; I barely met up with people. This year, music is still important, but I've got so many friends to reconnect with!

So many more festivals I want to go to. I might be adding a couple more to this year >.> All the moneys will be gone... Must pace and save somehow... But Shambhala though... Ahhh. If not this year, maybe next year, the 20th anniversary haha. Hmm...

I feel like I'm always stuck in the past and can't let go of it. But I don't think I ever really confront it much either. So everything just stays stuck.

Today, Shiva and I confronted our past together. And it was difficult. I still don't know what to think. I suppose I still have a lot of anger and resentment that I never let myself express.

I want to be her friend. But I just don't know if I can now.

I've been thinking about this on and off for a long while. I just never had to actually face it.

But anyway, I got things off my chest. A lot of things I never said after we broke up. I put a lot of the blame on myself for our relationship. And I guess she took some of it off of me. She apologized.

And I don't know how I feel about any of this.

We're probably not gonna talk for a while. I'm still going to her graduation because I do want to see her graduate. But after that, I don't know what I would want from our friendship.

I guess I just need to process things and figure it out eventually.