Angry. What the FUCK?! Rape is rape. Whether the victim was under the influence of anything or not, he or she should not be raped. Whether the perpetrator was under the influence of anything or not, he or she should not rape. Plain and fucking simple.

It doesn't matter what age you are; at any age, you should know taking advantage of other people in any way is wrong. We can argue about moral relativism or whatever. But in our fucking world, rape is wrong, end of story. When is rape ever right, ok, or excusable? How can any rational, caring human being be capable of defending and/or excusing a rapist's actions and disregarding the victim's hardships?

AAAHHHH!! I'm so angry right now. I'm raging at the fact that there are people in this world that think some rapists should be forgiven so quickly because of the circumstances of the rape, including the rapists' age. It shouldn't matter what the circumstances are. The only facts that matter are that there are victims, there are rapists, and we only need to punish one party. That we, as a society, get confused about whether to punish the rapists or the victims just pisses me off so much.

I'm so angry I want to cry.

Welcome to life, Miah!

Brother and Karina had their baby girl today :D I was at work, waiting for the text from Brother. 6.4 pounds and 18.5 inches. He tried to send me a picture, but my phone doesn't receive anything other than phone calls and text messages. So instead, I got texts from Shiva and Harrison congratulating me. They saw Miah before I could see her -w- But it's ok. They're family too, so they can see.

I had to wait until lunch to go on Facebook. I was super excited. Couldn't sit still. Couldn't stand still. Was dancing and bouncing around my desk. My coworkers laughed XP I'm sure I was very entertaining. It's rare to see me so excited and all over the place. Man, time was not going by fast enough.

But when lunchtime came, I went straight to the computers and checked Facebook. I saw Miah's photo, and I was just so happy. I don't even know what else to say. I was just happy. She looks sooo adoooorable. Definitely got Brother's lips.

I spent the rest of the work day anxious to leave for the hospital.

After work, I drove to the hospital. Somehow found the right room. Held Miah for probably an hour. First time I had ever seen a newborn and first time I ever held a baby. Special moment. Words cannot express how I felt. She's so beautiful. And sleepy. (Brother and Karina were both sleepy.) She slept the whole time I was there. Dreaming, I'm sure. She made so many different facial expressions. I mimicked them while I held her. I don't know why. It's just what I do. I didn't get to see her eyes. I'm hoping she'll be awake tomorrow, so I can look at those beautiful eyes of hers. I hope she likes me haha.


I know I would usually type up some long entry about this. But my brain is overloaded on happy. And I'm exhausted. Need more rest.

All I can say is I am happy Miah is healthy. I can only hope she'll grow up strong, healthy, and happy. Dang, I did the math... When she's 18, I'll be 41. Oh my, I can't even imagine where we'll all be then. Here's hoping to a lifetime of fond memories.

Zedd

I attended the Zedd show at the Fox Theater last night with Matt and his friend, Alex T. We had a blast! So much fun! Ahhh! Zelda mix was a big highlight of the night :) Did not know that Zedd had that. Wonderful surprise for Matt and me haha.

The three of us got to the show probably ten minutes before Zedd got on stage. Left San Jose too late. Missed the two openers. Oh well. Paid for Zedd. Got Zedd. All good.

Afterward, we went to Quickly in Milpitas for boba. Good stuff. Tasted amazing after all that music and dancing.


Sorry for the choppiness. Rushing to get ready to leave for work in 3 minutes hahaha. Just wanted to add this entry so that I don't forget that I attended the show haha. Can't wait for future EDM events :D Matt and I, we're gonna do it. Gonna save up what we can for some fun times to come.

A step in learning to be happy despite others' unhappiness?

Sometimes, I just wish I could make people happy. Not cause them to be happy. But just will them to be happy. Or at least not so sad or angry.

Before you say anything, I already know and accept that I can't control others. I can only do so much for others. Their happiness really depends on them. I just try my best to share and encourage some happy and positive vibes with them. I get that. It doesn't mean I never get to a point where I just want things to be easy. Or simple. I just want to turn off their pain. If I could, I would take on their burdens if it guaranteed that they would never feel so hurt or hopeless again. But I know that's impossible. I can't control how they feel.

Sometimes, people hurt others intentionally. Sometimes, people try to help, but they end up causing hurt instead. What ensues sometimes is retaliation or revenge. One person gets hurt; that person gets back at the person who hurt them, in some way that is equal to or greater than what was done to them. Most of the time, we hurt others because we are hurt. We don't necessarily want to hurt people just to hurt them. But we don't want to be the only ones hurting. Maybe we want to punish. Some part of us feels like we deserve to cause them just as much pain. We want them to be as unhappy as they have made us. But if we have any ounce of empathy in us, causing unhappiness doesn't create happiness. If anything, it just causes more unhappiness within us. But in the heat of the moment, or the two years that we hold onto that grudge, we feel like it's our right to make things equally painful.

But that doesn't solve or fix anything. We're just trying to add hurt and pain to the situation. We might not see or acknowledge it, but we're adding that hurt and pain to ourselves as well because we don't take the time to heal ourselves. Too busy focusing on the belief that we were hurt and someone else deserves the hurt we were given. Pain doesn't need to be added or transferred; we can just let it dissipate, can't we? We can dissolve it through better means, can't we?

We're hurt, but we won't heal ourselves. How do we heal ourselves? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure antagonizing others, hurting others, and retaliating don't have any healing properties. Nor does dwelling in our unhappiness and pain. We shouldn't let it fester, as easy as it is to just let or make the pain stay.

Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being happy if I'm going to eventually become unhappy anyway. Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being unhappy if I'm going to eventually become happy anyway. I figure life just likes to take me on an endless roller coaster ride. And I'll keep on riding past the point when I learn that the drops are just a part of the course. Not meant to hurt or kill me. Just meant to keep me awake and aware, maybe a little scared. And prepared for the next drop. And looking forward to the ascents, the scenic over-the-park views, the twists, the loops, and the sudden jerks. I'm trying to see this as a fun ride. At first, I usually don't. But gradually, when I get used to it, it does feel worthwhile despite the terrifying drops. Life, I mean. Roller coasters, too.

We can't control what life throws at us. But to a certain extent, we can control our reactions and make our choices. I'm trying to remember that. I'm also trying to remember that others don't think like I do. Nor do they have to, despite how much I want them to. For me personally, I'm trying to see that life isn't against me. People aren't against me, even if certain actions may indicate otherwise. Life is just a gigantic mess of chain events that lead to the current moment. I'll deal with the moment and try to be happy that I can be a small, influential dot in the gigantic mess. (That actually does kinda make me happy.)


I don't know what it is today. Nothing happened. It was just another day. I didn't really talk to anyone, only family. I'm almost done reading Ender's Game. Maybe that's affected my emotions.

Today, I just wanted people to be happy. Truly and completely happy. It's too much to ask of people who don't really know how to create their own happiness. We have such a limited understanding of our own personal happiness.

I don't even know sometimes. But I do know. Really simple things make me happy. Family, friends, just their silent presence in my vicinity or in my mind. My solitude, my imagination. All of these just seem so simple, even when they aren't.

Solving sudoku and crossword puzzles make me happy too. Jigsaw puzzles are pretty awesome. Yeah.

I just wanted to feel better.

I finally started to feel better today. Then Brother had to go and ruin my lifting mood.

At work, I was on autopilot. Didn't really talk to anyone. Though, my trainer had the new hire shadow me, so I had to talk to her for a bit. Mainly just kept to myself, trying to not think about Rahul. That failed. Had a good cry in my car during my lunch break.

I felt a lot better when I got home from work. I actually felt it.

I went to Brother and Karina's place to eat dinner, as is my routine for most Mondays, and to share with them this calm I've found myself in today. Their landlord brought an electrician over to try to fix the outlets in their room because half of them stopped working. Karina and I sat outside on the steps with Dexter (their dog) for maybe ten minutes before we heard Brother scream, "Fuck you!" and the electrician reply with "Fuck you, motherfucker!" What followed were a string of things from both sides that vaguely sounded like "Come at me, bro!" except with much more anger and hatred.

I feared that there would be a fight right then and there. The electrician walked out of their room, yelling for Brother to come at him. Brother yelled the same things at him but at the same time telling him to get the fuck out. Eventually, the electrician left. This left Brother yelling and swearing at his landlord for "fucking up [his] house." I laugh bitterly at that because it's actually the landlord's house. The landlord could kick him out, which I think would have been a wise decision on the landlord's part a long time ago. Or maybe he's used to angry people. He offered to help clean up the mess the electrician made of the room. It wasn't that big of a mess. The electrician broke some eggs, which had fallen out of the fridge when he moved it out of the way of the outlet to test it. Brother didn't understand why things had to be moved out of the way for the electrician to reach all of the outlets. The electrician probably got impatient with Brother breathing down his neck and got sarcastic with Brother, which prompted the initial "Fuck you."

It was an explosive situation. Dexter was terrified. Well, he had been terrified when the two strange men first walked into the room. Maybe he smelled trouble before we heard it.

I feel like I've been in a relatively fragile state lately, which would explain why I started crying when I heard the yelling. I couldn't really understand why I was crying. I think a part of my brain thought, "Brother will die early because of his stupidity and anger. He could die tonight." I honestly believe that if he dies from non-natural causes, it would very likely be caused by his short fuse. He'll piss off the wrong person. That person will have a gun or a knife and come after him. Or worse, come after someone Brother cares about, like Karina or his soon-to-be daughter. I don't know why he never thinks about the consequences of anything he does. Anything could happen. We don't know anything about the electrician; what if he's a vindictive person? What if his vindictiveness makes him come back and do something worse than swear at Brother?

Does Brother not realize that much of the "bad luck" he's had in his life has been a result of his own folly? DUIs, his fault. Car accidents while under the influence, his fault. Incarceration several times, his fault. Fights, plenty of which he instigated. Enemies, some of which he created by being an asshole. His current living situation, his doing. Yet, he's so mad at everyone else in this fucking world.

After the landlord left, I had to leave. I couldn't stay. I lost my appetite. I was scared. I was angry too. When I got in my car, Karina brought out my food. I thanked her for it. I worry about her. She's pregnant, and she's still gotta deal with Brother's explosive behavior. I can't imagine the stress that it adds to her pregnancy. Is this the first thing that their daughter is going to remember from her childhood, an uncontrollably angry father?

Karina apologized for Brother's behavior. She doesn't need to apologize. But if she doesn't, who would? Who cares? Brother apologizes all the time, but he doesn't mean it. If he meant it, he'd try to change. Sure, he apologizes because later on he feels guilty for how shit went down. If he would just stop and think, if he would just learn how to control his anger, he wouldn't end up situations that make him feel guilty, and he wouldn't have to apologize all the time. If he would actually try to become the person he wants to be, he would never have to apologize for anything.

Aahhhh! I was feeling so calm earlier. So much happier than I've been the past few days. Now my body is swinging between anger, frustration, and sadness. I was so hoping to finally get some good sleep tonight; now I'm just too upset. And I know I'm going to get hungry, but I don't want to eat. But I need to eat. I just want some fucking peace in my mind.

There's a quote on a mug somewhere: "Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I want that. That kind of peace. Question: How do I calm down my heart? It's been racing on and off for days.

Rest In Peace, Rahul.

Today, (technically yesterday now) after work, I found out from Shiva that a past friend from college committed suicide. I logged onto Facebook to see if there was anything else. It happened a few weeks ago. The handful of people that posted about Rahul's death all mentioned that they had a serious falling out with him years ago and regret or don't regret the events that took place between them. That's really all I know. And I probably won't hear anything else about it.

My initial reaction was shock, obviously. My brain refused to process it. My face started making that awkward smile that creeps up when my brain wants to be in disbelief. And when I couldn't fight it anymore, the sadness and tears came. The remorse too. But the remorse came slowly. Shiva even advised me about that before it ever occurred to me that I felt remorse. Even though I felt shock, I wasn't surprised. I don't think anyone was really surprised to hear the news.

We knew he was dealing with a lot of issues. We knew he was depressed. We knew he was angry. Many of us wrote him off as hateful and abrasive. He started ignoring us, cutting us off from his life. We didn't fight to stay in his life. I hadn't held a conversation with him for at least two years.

He was a good friend to me during the period that we still considered each other friends. He listened, and he gave me advice and pep talks. I did the same for him. We had fun together. He once told me that I was a good person, a good friend, someone who deserved the life she was granted. That meant a hell of a lot to me because he never really seemed to trust or believe in anybody.

This is where the remorse comes in: I should have tried harder with Rahul to be his friend. I knew he did listen to me at one point, for a while. But when he started cutting everyone I knew out of his life, I didn't bother to try to be there for him. I wrote him off too, based off of what everyone else said about the things he did to people. I didn't approve of the things he did, but he never did any of that to me. Now, I wonder if I could have at least made a tiny, positive difference in his life, if I had tried just a little bit.

A part of me just thought or maybe hoped that, one of these days, our paths would cross again, and we could pick up where we left off. And now he's left us, so that chance meeting isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

I know I'll eventually reconcile the remorse, but the weight of knowing that he's not here, that he felt so alone, feels like it's pressing down on me, reminding me that I could have done better. But I know Shiva and Vivi are right: We aren't the people we were when we knew him. We didn't know enough to help him then. If we had the knowledge and experiences we have today, we may have been able to help him and support him. We have to accept that the people we were then weren't ready or able to handle the issues that came up. Now, we can learn from it and hopefully be ready and able.

Sometimes, I just wish I was perfect. Perfect at reading people, interacting with them, helping them, making their lives better or at least much more bearable. But the best I can do is to try. I hope that it's enough.


In lighter news, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in about a year. I've been meaning to log in the past three weeks but just forgot or didn't feel like it. Rahul's death gave me a reason to log in. I stayed on and looked around. Read a few messages that I've missed. Looked at the friend requests. Looked at photos I've been tagged in. Kat uploaded three photos of me with my first fauxhawk haha. I miss that fauxhawk.

Last thing I did on Facebook was to send a long message to Tina, apologizing for how immaturely I handled our issues and ended our friendship and hoping for new bridges. One of the main reasons I've wanted to get onto Facebook was to contact her. I feel like I've taken enough time to grow up and learn how to better deal with conflict and negative emotions. I suppose some people would say it's better to leave burnt bridges alone, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm too hopeful for that. I've improved myself over the past year, and I'm in a relatively better place. No better time to build a new bridge.

Tina seems to be doing better too from what I can see on her Facebook. Her old one was deleted, I guess, and she created a new one. She seems to be in a relationship. I'm hoping we've both grown enough to be able to be friends again. Of course, I won't hold it against her if she chooses to not accept my offer. I understand when people move on. I just don't want to lose any opportunities.


Anyway, yeah, this is all I can really remember from this day. I'm glad it's the weekend and I don't have any plans. I can stay home, process things, and move along.

Life goes on, yeah? And we go on with it.

Short shorts and skirts.

I used to wear short shorts and skirts. I also used to wear dresses.

I last wore a dress when I was probably in the fourth grade. (I technically didn't wear a dress to junior or senior prom. Thank goodness for amazing friends.) I last wore a skirt around the same time, maybe a little bit sooner than that; it was probably a school uniform skirt. I last wore short shorts when I was sixteen; though, I'm pretty sure none of my high school friends had ever seen me wear them...

People have asked me why I'm such a tomboy or why I don't wear "girly" clothes more often. I've always said that I've felt most comfortable in baggier, "guy" clothes, which is true. I do have an affinity to clothes that don't cling to my body or reveal too much skin. I like being low-key. Plus, I've always felt awkward in my body. Don't get me wrong; I like my body for sure. Just sometimes, I don't want to feel like I'm focusing so much on my body or the femininity of it. So yeah, less feminine clothing makes me feel like it's just easier to be me and not draw attention to anything that doesn't need attention.

But I'm gonna reveal a little secret: While I do feel somewhat awkward thinking about wearing skirts, short shorts, and such, I really, really miss wearing them. Like, so much. Haha is anyone surprised? And i think the awkwardness comes more from the fact that I haven't worn any of these things in so long, so the idea seems foreign to me.

Mother always likes to remind me that she used to dress me up in dresses and skirts all the time when I was a child. We have pictures, and some of my memories of childhood are relatively still intact. So yes, I remember that she did do that, and I also remember that I loved my dresses and skirts as much as I loved my pants and cargo shorts, along with the hand-me-downs from Brother. (I still occasionally get hand-me-downs from him.) Yeah, I ran around with the boys a lot, making pants and boys' shorts the ideal forms of clothing to wear for all that roughhousing. But I liked everything I wore when I was younger. I didn't hate anything I owned. I especially loved my three pairs of denim short shorts from Old Navy haha.

So why did I gradually stop wearing "feminine" clothing? As far as I can remember, it was always because of something that someone else did and which I didn't know how to stop. I stopped wearing skirts and dresses because boys I didn't know would stand under the monkey bars to look up. Adding to that, boys I didn't know learned that sticks can easily lift up the backs of skirts and dresses. I stopped wearing short shorts because a man twice my age tried to kiss me.

My family only knows about the monkey bars experiences I had. I never bothered to tell them about the boys with the sticks because Mother's reaction to the monkey bars stories was to laugh and to say that kids will be kids. That's still her reaction to these anecdotes. I'm pretty sure many parents have that same reaction. For the most part, I don't really care about the monkey bars stories because I got past it. Boys will be boys, and I generally didn't remember those experiences after a while. Oh, and I definitely did not tell my family about the man who tried to kiss me when I was sixteen. No way.

I blogged about it on my LiveJournal instead. I just read the entry. I'm shaking my head at it and asking myself, "Why didn't I say something back then? Why didn't I shove him away and yell? Why didn't I do anything to protect myself?" I know I'm lucky that all he tried to do was grope and kiss me. So much worse could have happened, but I was lucky. But Mother was just about two rooms away. Why didn't I call for her? Why didn't I tell her right after it happened? What was I thinking? Well, first, I don't know why, but I thought it was some kind of joke that the man was trying to pull on me. It didn't really click. Or maybe it did, and I didn't want it to click because it was scary and I didn't know how to handle it. Then I just felt shock that it had happened to me at all. Then I couldn't tell Mother because I was afraid she would get mad at me for letting it happen, for not knowing better, for not knowing how to fight back. A secondary thought was she would never be able to trust me being around anyone again because anyone could manipulate me. (Sorry, this was somewhat of a tangent.)

I couldn't comfortably wear short shorts or anything super feminine after this particular experience because I had been wearing a pair of my favorite short shorts and a tight girls' shirt when it happened. I suppose I engrained in myself that it was the clothes I wore that brought this on me. And if I continued to wear the clothes, the situations would get worse and worse, it would all be my fault, and I wouldn't be able to protect myself.

I wonder now if I decide to wear feminine clothing, and I got the kind of attention that I don't want, would I be able to feel comfortable in what I'm wearing and to get myself safely out of that situation? Honestly, I don't think so. I think I would still be that scared, naive, easily manipulated little girl who couldn't react except to tilt her head down. I've tried my best to keep myself out of those situations by dressing down and not accentuating my feminine qualities. I chose to avoid rather than to confront my fear.

I guess I never really got past any of it.

I genuinely don't care much about fashion, but I know I like wearing different styles of clothing when the mood strikes. It's just difficult to consider all the possible options because I'm terrified of the attention I could get. I have no intention of or desire for getting that attention; I just want to wear the clothes.

Why can't I wear what I like to wear without fearing that it will be seen as an invitation to my body for someone else?

I should just face my fears head on, yeah? I'm not always that brave. Sometimes, I have that moment where I feel like I can take on any challenge, but it passes so quickly that I don't jump on it. Damn, it's just clothes, but a part of me is very terrified. But I know, one day, I will wear some short shorts or a skirt, and I won't be terrified. That day just isn't today. Or tomorrow.

Mini-mini-rant about "Cups."

I love the movie Pitch Perfect. Anna Kendrick is super attractive and can sing pretty well. Rebel Wilson is seriously funny :P I enjoy music, and I definitely love a capella. I've spent plenty of hours watching college a capella group performances on YouTube over the years.

So when this movie was announced, I was definitely looking forward to it. Eventually, I watched it, and it was great. Definitely what I expected. Not the best a capella performances ever but still really good. Storyline, nothing new. I really just wanted to listen to the performances and mainly ogle Anna Kendrick because that's just what I do hahaha.

Now, the song from the movie that got most popular was the cup song that Anna's character performs during her audition. It was fun and cool. My first thought when I saw that scene was "Oh hey! I recognize that cup beat from HappySlip!" and I continued to enjoy the rest of the movie.

For months after the movie was released, people have copied the cup song and all on YouTube. Understandable. It was something relatively new to the masses.

Critics started saying that Pitch Perfect ripped off the cup beat and song from a YouTube video (http://youtu.be/DWCOYJg9ps4). Others claiming rip-offs from HappySlip's "HappySlip Jingle," Full House/The Cup Game, Lulu and the Lampshades, Charlie Monroe, and The Carter Family.

Really, my only response is this: No one related to the movie ever claimed credit for the song or beat. While they didn't name the YouTube video that inspired the scene, to me, it was pretty obvious they didn't come up with it. In a movie FULL of a capella covers, I don't think it would have made sense to have a character perform an original piece and not cover an already established song. But that's just me. Also, this song has gone through a string of covers over the past near-century, and Pitch Perfect just added one more to it.

I think I'm just peeved that people have been trashing Anna Kendrick and the movie for "stealing" other people's music. It's a movie about a college a capella group that performs medleys and mash-ups of song covers. There is no original music performed. Anna Kendrick even admitted in an interview that she learned the song and beat from a YouTube video via Reddit and the producers of the movie thought it would be great if she could incorporate it into the movie. I don't know why she or the movie is still getting flak from people. But whatever, they're coming out with Pitch Perfect 2 :D And I'm excited for it.

Some people say, "More cowbell!" I say, "More a capella!" or "More harmonies!"


I know I'm really late on responding to the critics or whatever, but I just realized every video remotely related to this song (The Carter Family, Charlie Monroe, Lulu and the Lampshades, HappySlip, Anna Burden, etc etc) has people talking about how Pitch Perfect stole the song. My mind was just boggled by the assumptions.

Clutter.

I have no idea if and how I am ever going to move into and live in a bigger place. More space... just the thought of it makes me feel nervous, just very slightly anxious.

My current room is probably about 9' x 10'. My bed takes up just less than half of that area. There are also a computer desk, a small chair, and a dresser. Everything else (luggage, boxes of memorabilia, laundry basket, some clothes, random stuff) fits in my closet. I have just about everything I own with me in my room.

If you recall, I spent a lot of time over the past year or so reorganizing, tossing, and donating my things because I wanted to prepare myself to move out of Mother's home and also just to not have so much stuff I didn't need. (There is still so much left that I could get rid of, but I'm attached to some things.) By the standards of some of my friends, I have very few things, and it's all very organized. I look at my space, and I see so much more room for improvement.

I still see so much clutter. I want to get rid of more things, but I'm afraid I'll regret tossing something out. So far I haven't yet regretted anything I've gotten rid of, except maybe a CD or two from my childhood but it's not really regret; I'm not beating myself up over them.

I think I may be slightly obsessive about how much I have and compulsive about de-cluttering. Most days, I will myself to not think about any of it. But when I can't will myself, I just think a dresser and a box or two should be able to hold all my stuff; however, that's not the case, and it annoys me that I can't fit most of my things into that amount of space. I feel uncomfortable with the knowledge that I have so much stuff.

I may or may not go into another de-cluttering frenzy soon. You know, where I sort my stuff out, feel satisfied for about a day, and repeat. Yeah, I may have an issue. I'm not even joking. When I'm in my room, I tend to feel like there's too much around me and just want to get rid of everything. Except obviously I don't let myself do it because I know some of these things are important.

-sigh- I don't even know why I obsess about this. I didn't before, did I? I don't even buy that much stuff. I usually spend money on food, gas, and a necessary item here and there. Last time I went to Target was to buy health-related things, a carton of ice cream, and string cheese haha. I dislike shopping, but I do it. When I do, I don't buy much. So I don't understand why I feel like I have too much. I mean, I do add things to my room sometimes but not because I bought it. Most things I add to my collection of possessions usually come in the form of gifts from others or just my family's contributions to my well-being. And I have the hardest time getting rid of those because my appreciation of people's generosity prevents me from doing so.

What was the point of this post? To share my current late-night obsession. I can't sleep >: I keep thinking about how I'm going to reorganize things or get rid of them. Also thinking about going to Target tomorrow to buy a plastic storage container to put all my memorabilia in. They're currently stored in two stacked boxes, which Shiva gave me a few months back. I would keep them in those boxes, except a cockroach found its way into my room a few mornings ago. I freaked out because I keep my room clean; the fact that a roach still found my room welcoming annoys me. So I read online that cardboard boxes can attract both roaches and spiders. Plastic containers would be better for storage. I also like plastic because critters generally don't chew through or find their way into those sealed containers.

Also, if I could fit the stuff from two boxes into one container, that would be awesome. Trying to reduce the quantity of boxes I use to store things. I was debating whether to get one or two plastic storage containers. I think one is good; two will just leave too much empty space in one container haha. I don't like having too much extra storage space... Just having enough extra space is good. I know I'm weird.

So I feel like moving into a much bigger place, like an apartment, either leaves me with a lot of unused space or with a potential urge to fill in the space. Either way, I don't think I would be very happy. I think I'm very happy in a small space like my current bedroom, even if I wish I had a bathroom and a kitchenette attached directly to my room or lived in a room that was 12' x 12'. Or had a twin-sized bed instead of a full-sized one :P I'm pretty sure I would only be happy moving into a larger space if I were to have a roommate who took up a little more than half the space haha. Otherwise, like I already stated, the idea of that much space for myself just makes me nervous.

Oh man, I don't know how I'm going to survive in this world if this is a major concern of mine hahaha.

Seriously though, I don't want to take up space that I feel like I don't need, but I'm still taking up that space.

I know, eventually, I'll figure this out and hopefully find a good balance of space or something. Now, I must try to sleep.

Thanks for reading this ridiculous post. It made me feel a little better to type it out. Good night.

Spiders in My Room.

So there used to be a lot of spiders in my room until I started leaving eucalyptus leaves around my room. I only saw one or two live spiders over the next month. I also saw a handful of dead spiders along the baseboards.

I recently switched to spraying a mix of eucalyptus oil and water around my room. Still no live spiders in my room as far as I can tell. But again, more dead spiders. More than before.

So they're still coming into my room... but apparently they're dying in here.

I thought eucalyptus was supposed to repel them >: Now they're just coming in and dying. And I have to sweep their poor carcasses away ):

I want to repel them, not kill them. Anyone got any suggestions?

Random: A small lizard got into my room today while I was out. When I came home, I saw something in the corner of my room. At first, I thought it was a leaf. Upon closer inspection, it was a brown lizard. Looked like a baby one. I got my plastic container, trapped it, and released it outside on the grass. I love lizards; they're adorable, but I don't want them living in and pooping all over my room and things. Nor do I want them (or spiders) biting me just because I don't know they're there and I accidentally scare them.

The only way that lizard could have gotten in was under my bedroom door. I've checked the room for gaps in the baseboards and the window. Also going to assume the door is how spiders get in.

I need to find a foolproof way to keep all the critters out without harming or killing them.

Future Parenting Goal.

Last night, I drove to Berkeley for Kat's housewarming :D That was fun. First time I ever drove to Berkeley. I thought I got lost in Berkeley and turned my car around to check to see if I missed a turn. Turns out I had turned around about two blocks before the correct street I needed to turn on. Rawr -w- Well, now I know for future reference.

The party was fun. Mainly talked to friends from high school. Had a Peppermint Patty shot (put chocolate syrup in your mouth and add a shot of Peppermint Schnapps), which I actually enjoyed. And I'm not a big fan of peppermint. I also brought my last Smirnoff Ice for myself haha, and I learned what "getting iced" meant. Next time, I'll bring a pack or two. I usually do, but last night I forgot XP My last drink of the night was Captain Morgan with Brisk as a chaser. Then it was time to sober up to drive home.

Witnessed a few drinking games of Soccer and Beer Pong. Team drinking games make me laugh and also scare me because, if your teammates let you down, you'll be at risk of downing tons of alcohol by the end of a game haha.

So Femi, Andrew, Felix, and I were arguing about parenting. I don't know how we got into this topic, but we did. I was not fully sober for this, so I think some of my logic did not make it through haha. Andrew said he would let his college-aged daughter have a guy sleep in her bedroom in his house because, if they're already doing it in the dorms, he doesn't feel like forbidding them changes anything. He doesn't want to be in denial about the fact that his daughter may be sexually active. The other two guys were adamantly against it. They would forbid it, saying that it was a matter of respect. If their daughter respected them, she wouldn't have a guy sleep in her room, even if she is an adult. If they allowed their daughter to have a guy in her room, that's just an open invitation for her to sleep around with any guy anywhere. (I personally think that it depends on the person. Not everyone thinks like that.)

The argument split into two different ones. Femi and Andrew had their own. Felix and I had ours, debating about parenting styles. Felix wants to be "controlling but not abusive"--his words, not mine--making his daughter live how he wants her to live and to follow his ideals because he wants her to have the best possible life, since she wouldn't really know what's best for herself. I understand that, but I don't think that's necessarily the best way to raise your kid.

I wish I had been sober enough to think through my whole argument haha...

I want to raise my kids to know how to think, not what to think, so that they know how to approach any situation they come into. Because I know what they think could be very different from what I think and also I won't always be around to tell them what to think. And I'm not going to say what they think is right or wrong because right and wrong isn't the way I want to look at things. While I wouldn't want my kids to sleep around or have sex with their significant others under my roof, I'm not gonna try to take away all their freedom to decide. This is what I want: My kids decide to do something because that's what they want and they have thought it through. They've made the best decision they could make in the situation. If I could raise my kids to do that, I'll generally be happy with the decisions they make, whether I agree. If they want to sleep around, despite me stating that I prefer they don't, that's their choice, their life, and their consequences. If the consequences turn out badly, I'm not going to hope they feel regret for the rest of their lives. I don't want to them to learn from shame; I want them to acknowledge that maybe their decisions weren't the best and learn from their mistakes.

Shaming is a whole other topic I could talk about. I think it's fine to a certain extent but not to the extent that Felix was talking about. Telling your kid "I'm disappointed in you" and then talking it out is fine. Telling your kid "You're a shame/disgrace to this family" and not giving them a chance to learn from it is not. I kept telling Felix that he needs to have some leeway with his kids because not every kid is gonna mess up their life. Every kid's different with different personalities and temperaments; you have to find the right balance of parenting. There's no one way to raise all kids.

Respect and trust play into how you raise your children. A lot of parents only think, "My child need to respect me and trust my judgment." They don't think, "I need to respect my child and trust their judgment," even after their kids prove they can make sound judgments. Felix even said he didn't want his kids to think he trusted them, so that they would always strive to gain his trust. But that could backfire so badly. If they felt like they could never gain his trust, they might stop trying and stop listening to him altogether. Where would they be then? I think we gotta treat everyone as their own person; we guide and shape our kids as best we can, but it gets to a point where they gotta shape themselves. They become adults at some point, not necessarily at age 18. They have to get to a point where they take responsibility for themselves. If we try to control them after that point, if they only ever do what we want them to do, when will we actually be able to hold them accountable for anything, especially themselves? I don't want my kids to be my pets learning the tricks I taught them. They should be their own people/individuals, hopefully with some of the values I try to instill but at least with values that they have thoughtfully chosen.

Anyway, the argument was pretty intense. I was super into it haha. Almost got emotional about it XP but that was because I was talking about my family and other friends' families as examples. You can be strict as hell or super lenient, but you could still end up with a fucked-up "good kid" or a "bad kid" who eventually turns his life around without your help. Even if there was a right way to raise children, every child reacts differently. Some kids straighten up after being grounded or being shamed; others rebel more or at least try to hide more from you. You need to adapt to your child; that's all I'm saying. You can't say that controlling your kid's life is the only way they'll turn out right. I will say though that I could be wrong and that more control of your kid's life might be more beneficial. You just gotta see how things come out after you do something. I'll raise my kids my way, other people raise their kids their ways, and we all hope we get something right.

Blah. Too much thinking for drinking last night haha. It probably still doesn't make sense. Haha this was not a big part of the night, though it did last at least an hour. It was just very... I dunno... It stuck in my mind for a while. I hope whomever I have kids with will share my perspective on parenting but also challenge it, so we can improve and give our kids the best possibilities. I am afraid that I say all this now but when I actually have kids, I will change my mind and become too controlling. I am a perfectionist on the inside; will I put that on my kids though? I don't know. We'll see.

Ok, done with this topic for now haha.


So I gave Femi a ride back to San Jose. We left Kat's place around 2:30 in the morning, though I had wanted to leave at 1. Just kept talking about random things, like Bubblegum Baby... ahahaha. Didn't actually start driving back to San Jose until about 3:20 because Femi, Alex D, and I were standing outside the apartment complex talking about cars and headphones :P

Overall a good night. Super tired by midnight though. Somehow stayed awake and drove home. The car ride home was full of stories about bad driving haha.

I passed out when I got home. Woke up after 10. Was supposed to do errands, but was too tired. So everything I was supposed to do today has been pushed back XP Awesome! Haha.

First Week at Randstad.

It's been a good week at work. I'm quickly getting the hang of the work. It's very simple and very quick. I'm hoping it's improving my searching and skimming abilities haha. The coworkers that I work near are mostly Filipino, very chill folks. They've helped me learn quite a bit. It's getting easier in some parts and a little more confusing in others as I do more work, but it's all good. I'll get used to it. I'm progressing pretty well. And I'd probably be near the top of the list of operators if other people weren't giving me false negatives >:

So the gist of the operation without revealing too much, if I could actually do that: We tag things with labels on computers. Obviously, there's nothing that actually tells us if they're correctly labeled. So the system randomly chooses three operators' answers, and majority rules. It's a relatively quick and efficient system. You know, two or three people independently agreeing on an answer are more likely to be correct than one person. So, when it's a 2-agree-1-disagree situation, the 1 loses percentage in accuracy, and someone above us checks the images to determine where the 1 made a mistake. So far, I've been the 1 in four 2-1 situations. One situation is still unknown because we can't look at it yet, but it's likely to be similar to the rest. But the other three "mistakes" I've gotten have been false negatives for me, meaning that I was actually correct in what I tagged and the other two operators were not. However, we can't change what's been tagged, and so my score remains unaffected by the discoveries. So while the answers that the system has randomly selected from me have all been correct, my accuracy score is in the red >.< So sad.

Thankfully, scores only represent how well I'm doing on a two-week rolling basis, meaning scores change every day after the first two weeks of work because the two-week period is different the next day. So hopefully, eventually I'll be in the green or at least the yellow. Not happy about the red. It's not even my fault ;-; My almost-perfectionist side weeps.

I hope this made some kind of sense. I'm not supposed to reveal confidential info about work obviously, so a vague job description should be all right, yeah?

Though I'm complaining (but not really, because I hardly think about the scores), overall the job is great. Simple and quick. Great, friendly coworkers. Free drinks, free snacks, and maybe thirty microwaves in the food space. I can listen to my music. I sing along with my music to keep my energy level up. There's no real rush other than finishing tasks quickly--it's all timed. Very relaxed atmosphere. So relaxed people have a tendency of falling asleep. I thought I would fall asleep yesterday, but I didn't. While I was super tired, I didn't feel like I was gonna fall asleep, so that was good. I actually had very high productivity yesterday, surprising...


Thursday night, I had gone to (the new Club Fuz) Club Hashtag's grand opening to watch Ariane perform with her dance crew :) I got lost twice trying to find my way to the club because it's been a year and a half since I was last there and I had never driven there myself, only driven drunk friends home from there. Had to text and ask Matt for directions. I went by myself this time because friends had to cancel and other friends didn't feel like going. It was cool though because I just hung out with Ariane backstage until it was time for her to perform. Neither of us actually felt like dancing haha. Main Stacks and VIPSJ performed. I enjoyed VIP's performance way more. More attitude, I guess. More something else too, but I can't think of the word. But I guess I might be biased since that's Ariane's crew :P

Went straight home to bed after watching the performance and giving Ariane a "You're awesome!" hug haha. It's been a long time since I've seen her perform. Maybe nine or ten months ago. Too long ago. And soon she's gonna be in LA, pursuing her dreams. When will I get to see her then? >: We haven't seen each other much in the past few years. Thursday night was probably the first time in years where the two of us just hung out. We usually only see each other when other people come back from school and invite us to things. Sad because we both stayed in San Jose. But busy lives and busy schedules... I've known Ariane the longest out of all my friends outside of family friends. It's been eleven years. It's crazy. Didn't think I would ever know someone for more than a handful of years. I'm happy she's got something to be passionate about and to pursue. I hope she gets where she wants to go, and I hope in a few years I get to tell strangers "Eyyy! That's my friend! She's awesome!" haha.


I'm getting overly sentimental right now. Just spent some time reading friends' old LiveJournal entries hahaha. Oh man, comparing the things that we talked about back then to the things we talk about now, it's so different yet not. Read some of those "Answer these questions honestly"/"Bold the things that are true" questionnaires and laughed like crazy. We were pretty innocent and inexperienced back then; if I did one of those now, I would be able to cross off "Passed out drunk," "Can drive," "Have a best friend," "Have fallen in love," and "Want kids in the future." I'm all grown up now hahaha.


Ok, I'm going to sleep early :D Going to Carmel with Albert and some others tomorrow morning. Gonna be fun. Haven't seen them all in a while. (I think I say this about every friend I hang out with.)