Awkward isn't really awkward.

Situations aren't always as awkward as I think they are. I know it. Sometimes, the situation is just "normal" and forgettable; in my head, it feels so awkward and becomes forever ingrained in my memory. But I've brought up these moments I've had with people, and they usually don't know or remember what I'm talking about--the few times people remember it, they said it was adorably awkward, or something to that effect >.<;; to which I don't even know how to respond o_o

The funny thing is it's only when I bring it up that I let go of that weird moment in time. If I never bring it up, I just keep thinking about it. I guess it's like getting closure when I do bring these moments up haha.

I think I'm getting more comfortable with people, therefore less awkward with them. I hope so. I think it's just the people I want to impress that make me fear awkwardness. But who do I want to impress nowadays? I suppose there's a person here and there.

I pay too much attention to what I'm (not) doing or saying when I'm around someone I don't know that well (but would like to get to know better). I notice that I feel like I'm staring too much at them, and they might think it's weird I'm staring; so I constantly avert my eyes. But then I realize I'm not looking at them enough, which might seem like I'm rude or I don't really care about them; so I try to look at them more. It's like a tug-o-war in my brain, trying to figure out how much attention I should pay to a person. I feel like whether I look at someone for too long or not long enough, it just makes me feel nervous. Like that person is judging me because I don't know how much I should look at them. Really, I know I'm judging myself for some stupid reason.

Long story short: I'm mentally stuck in high school.

Seriously, I'm trying to remind myself that I am no longer in high school and to remember that I am an adult. I should take on social relationships like a mature adult should. If I want to get to know someone better, I shouldn't wait for opportunities to talk to them. I should make an opportunity to talk to them.

But when I do, I just feel that awkward and self-conscious feeling wanting to creep in. Even though, I know everything I'm doing and saying is fine. "Normal."

I've also learned to embrace whatever awkwardness I create. Sometimes, I forget that I learned it. But I live in it. Might as well embrace it. Eventually, it just stops being awkward. It's working so far. At least with people I've gotten to know well enough. But I think that's the case for everyone, yeah?

Yeah, I'm thinking too much. Incoherent thoughts again.


Let's start over: I don't like or dislike awkward moments. They're just there, and I'm okay with that. But because they are there, I think about them more frequently than I should. But I've also gotten used to them and haven't made an effort to reduce the probability of them occurring. So what do I really think of awkward situations?

Actually, I don't even think of them too much anymore. Just right now, they're a prominent topic in my brain for no apparent reason. Okay, maybe it's an apparent reason. Meh.


Haha this really wasn't even about awkwardness. I just rambled about nothing. Just felt like blogging. It's been too long. Hopefully, I'll mention something of substance soon.

Trainer.

I am the new trainer at work. Yay! I won't be doing a bunch of grunt work for much longer :P

I had applied and interviewed for team lead just before NYE but didn't get it. My coworker Sandra did. I was actually pretty happy about that. I didn't really want to be lead. Some of my other coworkers were disappointed I didn't get it, but I was just ecstatic that I wasn't chosen for lead haha. Realized the job descriptiong didn't quite appeal to me enough.

Trainer, however, fits me, as far as I can tell. I don't have to write people up. I don't have to monitor them. But I do get to check their progress and help them improve. And I get to learn every single task that the company throws at us haha.

I didn't have to do another interview for the trainer position, since I had already done an interview for the team lead position. Somehow, I was chosen for trainer. The supervisors called me into the office and offered me the job. I was in shock. A part of me was surprised; but another part of me wasn't. I know the leads and the current trainer have been encouraging me to apply for all the open positions. So I know they put in some good words for me.

But yeah, I'm pretty happy. I'll start learning the ropes tomorrow. And gotta absorb as much as I can in the next three weeks because the current trainer, Vinse, is leaving. This is quite exciting. I was asked to keep this quiet until all the other candidates were notified of the decision. So I just shrugged at my coworkers when they asked. I said, "We'll all know tomorrow." But I want to mark this day, so I'm blogging about it haha. I feel kinda accomplished :) It's pretty good.

2014 is starting off well. Life is going well :)

Now, I just need to work on my ability to talk to people. Especially attractive people ahahaha :P Cute coworker that I've been wanting to get to know and talk to but having a hard time thinking of things to say to yet still saying stupid stuff to. Except I'm already kinda over the whole she's-so-cute thing. I mean, I still think she's cute. But now I'm just like, "Whatever. I'm cool." I think it's because of the fact that we haven't really talked. Not getting to know a person really turns me off of them pretty quickly, I realize haha. Especially if it feels like they don't put in any effort to get to know me or just talk to me.

I should just ask people straight up if they find me annoying or if they would like me to leave them alone. I don't know if anyone would be that honest with me though. I'm usually pretty upfront with people about that stuff. But I give people a chance to prove me wrong before I'm that honest with them haha. And usually I stop finding people annoying after I get to know them better. I actually told one of my coworkers today that I initially thought he was annoying because he talked too much; and after getting to know him better, I thought he could be pretty chill. Yay for being honest, yeah?

Anyway, yeah, random. Good day though haha.

Latent Grief

"We all want to do something to mitigate the pain of loss or to turn grief into something positive, to find a silver lining in the clouds. But I believe there is real value in just standing there, being still, being sad." -John Green

Most days, I think my grief over the death of a friend is done. Gone. Finished.

Then it comes back and slams me right in the chest. And I lose my breath. And I can't think about anything other than the pain in my chest and what caused it. I think about how I could have prevented it. If I could have seen it coming, maybe I would have dodged it or at least braced myself for it.

Today, I didn't see it coming. Work was going so well. I was talking to my coworkers. Smiling. Dancing. Having a good start to the day. Then I had time to myself to think. My work gives me a lot of opportunity to stand there and think about other things. So my thoughts wandered.

The airplane with the members of the Smith family that went missing was found this past Friday. Report said they died a quick death. All I could think was, "I can't imagine what it's like to lose my family like that. To wonder for weeks if they're alive or hurt or starving, only to eventually find out they died." But I guess it's good to have that closure. Closure is soothing.

But then all I could think was they (the rest of the family) didn't get to say goodbye. You never get to say goodbye.

And I thought about the folks I never got to say goodbye to. I don't want to say goodbye. I still talk to them occasionally. But most days, I don't think about them. I'm trying to move forward and not cling to the past. But sometimes, I just want to be stuck in those memories. Memories of Earl, Milton, Ton, and Rahul. They passed so recently; yet, my memories of them are already getting fuzzy. I'm afraid I'll forget them. I'm afraid I'll lose them for good.

Some part of me wants to ask them for forgiveness. But I don't know what for. Well, I know I can't do anything to change their deaths. I know I couldn't have done anything to make the past different. But I still wish I could have been better, and maybe things would have turned out differently, better for them.

I know. I know what I'm doing right now. I know what I've been doing all day. And I know I shouldn't. But I'm doing it anyway. I'm making myself feel responsible for something I couldn't control. I can't control life. I can't control others' lives. Fuck though, I wish I could change something.

I have this fear. It's not really a fear. It's really just a thought. A negative one. But Ton and Rahul died. Both members of the original Q&A family. Ton died almost two years ago. Rahul died last year. It's irrational, I know, but I worry there could be a third this year.

I have friends I worry about. But I don't know if I can be the support they need to get through their hard times. It scares me. Because they have so much promise. And so much potential that could go in any direction. I don't know if I could handle another death.

Death is a part of life. I understand that. I accept that. I do. But sometimes, I just want to fight that reality. Beat it back just for a while. Just believe that death doesn't exist; it can't possibly happen. Yet, it's real; it's felt; it's a part of my history now. As I get older, death will write itself more often into my history. I just hope I can handle it. Especially when it comes to those closest to me. I know my parents will die, but I'm hoping that won't happen for at least another thirty years. I'm hoping Brother makes it to his daughter's wedding day haha and maybe even his first grandchild's eighteenth birthday. Shiva and Harrison, you're both making it to at least 80 with me; you promised. Miah, I hope, will live a long, fulfilling, and happy life. If anything were to ever happen to her, I would die inside or go crazy.

There were so many thoughts flying around my head at work today. I couldn't talk to anybody. I felt like an idiot for being so sad at work, for worrying a couple of folks there. I just couldn't stop thinking. Couldn't stop feeling so sad and so angry at life for what it does to people. At myself for feeling any of this, for not being able to just think about something else and be happy.

But I know that, today, I just needed to be sad. I also needed to be alone. Not the best day to be at work. But it's ok. The day has passed. And I'm feeling better now that I've been home alone.

Tomorrow will be a better day. I'm sure of it.

Angry. What the FUCK?! Rape is rape. Whether the victim was under the influence of anything or not, he or she should not be raped. Whether the perpetrator was under the influence of anything or not, he or she should not rape. Plain and fucking simple.

It doesn't matter what age you are; at any age, you should know taking advantage of other people in any way is wrong. We can argue about moral relativism or whatever. But in our fucking world, rape is wrong, end of story. When is rape ever right, ok, or excusable? How can any rational, caring human being be capable of defending and/or excusing a rapist's actions and disregarding the victim's hardships?

AAAHHHH!! I'm so angry right now. I'm raging at the fact that there are people in this world that think some rapists should be forgiven so quickly because of the circumstances of the rape, including the rapists' age. It shouldn't matter what the circumstances are. The only facts that matter are that there are victims, there are rapists, and we only need to punish one party. That we, as a society, get confused about whether to punish the rapists or the victims just pisses me off so much.

I'm so angry I want to cry.

Welcome to life, Miah!

Brother and Karina had their baby girl today :D I was at work, waiting for the text from Brother. 6.4 pounds and 18.5 inches. He tried to send me a picture, but my phone doesn't receive anything other than phone calls and text messages. So instead, I got texts from Shiva and Harrison congratulating me. They saw Miah before I could see her -w- But it's ok. They're family too, so they can see.

I had to wait until lunch to go on Facebook. I was super excited. Couldn't sit still. Couldn't stand still. Was dancing and bouncing around my desk. My coworkers laughed XP I'm sure I was very entertaining. It's rare to see me so excited and all over the place. Man, time was not going by fast enough.

But when lunchtime came, I went straight to the computers and checked Facebook. I saw Miah's photo, and I was just so happy. I don't even know what else to say. I was just happy. She looks sooo adoooorable. Definitely got Brother's lips.

I spent the rest of the work day anxious to leave for the hospital.

After work, I drove to the hospital. Somehow found the right room. Held Miah for probably an hour. First time I had ever seen a newborn and first time I ever held a baby. Special moment. Words cannot express how I felt. She's so beautiful. And sleepy. (Brother and Karina were both sleepy.) She slept the whole time I was there. Dreaming, I'm sure. She made so many different facial expressions. I mimicked them while I held her. I don't know why. It's just what I do. I didn't get to see her eyes. I'm hoping she'll be awake tomorrow, so I can look at those beautiful eyes of hers. I hope she likes me haha.


I know I would usually type up some long entry about this. But my brain is overloaded on happy. And I'm exhausted. Need more rest.

All I can say is I am happy Miah is healthy. I can only hope she'll grow up strong, healthy, and happy. Dang, I did the math... When she's 18, I'll be 41. Oh my, I can't even imagine where we'll all be then. Here's hoping to a lifetime of fond memories.

Zedd

I attended the Zedd show at the Fox Theater last night with Matt and his friend, Alex T. We had a blast! So much fun! Ahhh! Zelda mix was a big highlight of the night :) Did not know that Zedd had that. Wonderful surprise for Matt and me haha.

The three of us got to the show probably ten minutes before Zedd got on stage. Left San Jose too late. Missed the two openers. Oh well. Paid for Zedd. Got Zedd. All good.

Afterward, we went to Quickly in Milpitas for boba. Good stuff. Tasted amazing after all that music and dancing.


Sorry for the choppiness. Rushing to get ready to leave for work in 3 minutes hahaha. Just wanted to add this entry so that I don't forget that I attended the show haha. Can't wait for future EDM events :D Matt and I, we're gonna do it. Gonna save up what we can for some fun times to come.

A step in learning to be happy despite others' unhappiness?

Sometimes, I just wish I could make people happy. Not cause them to be happy. But just will them to be happy. Or at least not so sad or angry.

Before you say anything, I already know and accept that I can't control others. I can only do so much for others. Their happiness really depends on them. I just try my best to share and encourage some happy and positive vibes with them. I get that. It doesn't mean I never get to a point where I just want things to be easy. Or simple. I just want to turn off their pain. If I could, I would take on their burdens if it guaranteed that they would never feel so hurt or hopeless again. But I know that's impossible. I can't control how they feel.

Sometimes, people hurt others intentionally. Sometimes, people try to help, but they end up causing hurt instead. What ensues sometimes is retaliation or revenge. One person gets hurt; that person gets back at the person who hurt them, in some way that is equal to or greater than what was done to them. Most of the time, we hurt others because we are hurt. We don't necessarily want to hurt people just to hurt them. But we don't want to be the only ones hurting. Maybe we want to punish. Some part of us feels like we deserve to cause them just as much pain. We want them to be as unhappy as they have made us. But if we have any ounce of empathy in us, causing unhappiness doesn't create happiness. If anything, it just causes more unhappiness within us. But in the heat of the moment, or the two years that we hold onto that grudge, we feel like it's our right to make things equally painful.

But that doesn't solve or fix anything. We're just trying to add hurt and pain to the situation. We might not see or acknowledge it, but we're adding that hurt and pain to ourselves as well because we don't take the time to heal ourselves. Too busy focusing on the belief that we were hurt and someone else deserves the hurt we were given. Pain doesn't need to be added or transferred; we can just let it dissipate, can't we? We can dissolve it through better means, can't we?

We're hurt, but we won't heal ourselves. How do we heal ourselves? I don't know. But I'm pretty sure antagonizing others, hurting others, and retaliating don't have any healing properties. Nor does dwelling in our unhappiness and pain. We shouldn't let it fester, as easy as it is to just let or make the pain stay.

Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being happy if I'm going to eventually become unhappy anyway. Sometimes, I wonder what's the point of being unhappy if I'm going to eventually become happy anyway. I figure life just likes to take me on an endless roller coaster ride. And I'll keep on riding past the point when I learn that the drops are just a part of the course. Not meant to hurt or kill me. Just meant to keep me awake and aware, maybe a little scared. And prepared for the next drop. And looking forward to the ascents, the scenic over-the-park views, the twists, the loops, and the sudden jerks. I'm trying to see this as a fun ride. At first, I usually don't. But gradually, when I get used to it, it does feel worthwhile despite the terrifying drops. Life, I mean. Roller coasters, too.

We can't control what life throws at us. But to a certain extent, we can control our reactions and make our choices. I'm trying to remember that. I'm also trying to remember that others don't think like I do. Nor do they have to, despite how much I want them to. For me personally, I'm trying to see that life isn't against me. People aren't against me, even if certain actions may indicate otherwise. Life is just a gigantic mess of chain events that lead to the current moment. I'll deal with the moment and try to be happy that I can be a small, influential dot in the gigantic mess. (That actually does kinda make me happy.)


I don't know what it is today. Nothing happened. It was just another day. I didn't really talk to anyone, only family. I'm almost done reading Ender's Game. Maybe that's affected my emotions.

Today, I just wanted people to be happy. Truly and completely happy. It's too much to ask of people who don't really know how to create their own happiness. We have such a limited understanding of our own personal happiness.

I don't even know sometimes. But I do know. Really simple things make me happy. Family, friends, just their silent presence in my vicinity or in my mind. My solitude, my imagination. All of these just seem so simple, even when they aren't.

Solving sudoku and crossword puzzles make me happy too. Jigsaw puzzles are pretty awesome. Yeah.

I just wanted to feel better.

I finally started to feel better today. Then Brother had to go and ruin my lifting mood.

At work, I was on autopilot. Didn't really talk to anyone. Though, my trainer had the new hire shadow me, so I had to talk to her for a bit. Mainly just kept to myself, trying to not think about Rahul. That failed. Had a good cry in my car during my lunch break.

I felt a lot better when I got home from work. I actually felt it.

I went to Brother and Karina's place to eat dinner, as is my routine for most Mondays, and to share with them this calm I've found myself in today. Their landlord brought an electrician over to try to fix the outlets in their room because half of them stopped working. Karina and I sat outside on the steps with Dexter (their dog) for maybe ten minutes before we heard Brother scream, "Fuck you!" and the electrician reply with "Fuck you, motherfucker!" What followed were a string of things from both sides that vaguely sounded like "Come at me, bro!" except with much more anger and hatred.

I feared that there would be a fight right then and there. The electrician walked out of their room, yelling for Brother to come at him. Brother yelled the same things at him but at the same time telling him to get the fuck out. Eventually, the electrician left. This left Brother yelling and swearing at his landlord for "fucking up [his] house." I laugh bitterly at that because it's actually the landlord's house. The landlord could kick him out, which I think would have been a wise decision on the landlord's part a long time ago. Or maybe he's used to angry people. He offered to help clean up the mess the electrician made of the room. It wasn't that big of a mess. The electrician broke some eggs, which had fallen out of the fridge when he moved it out of the way of the outlet to test it. Brother didn't understand why things had to be moved out of the way for the electrician to reach all of the outlets. The electrician probably got impatient with Brother breathing down his neck and got sarcastic with Brother, which prompted the initial "Fuck you."

It was an explosive situation. Dexter was terrified. Well, he had been terrified when the two strange men first walked into the room. Maybe he smelled trouble before we heard it.

I feel like I've been in a relatively fragile state lately, which would explain why I started crying when I heard the yelling. I couldn't really understand why I was crying. I think a part of my brain thought, "Brother will die early because of his stupidity and anger. He could die tonight." I honestly believe that if he dies from non-natural causes, it would very likely be caused by his short fuse. He'll piss off the wrong person. That person will have a gun or a knife and come after him. Or worse, come after someone Brother cares about, like Karina or his soon-to-be daughter. I don't know why he never thinks about the consequences of anything he does. Anything could happen. We don't know anything about the electrician; what if he's a vindictive person? What if his vindictiveness makes him come back and do something worse than swear at Brother?

Does Brother not realize that much of the "bad luck" he's had in his life has been a result of his own folly? DUIs, his fault. Car accidents while under the influence, his fault. Incarceration several times, his fault. Fights, plenty of which he instigated. Enemies, some of which he created by being an asshole. His current living situation, his doing. Yet, he's so mad at everyone else in this fucking world.

After the landlord left, I had to leave. I couldn't stay. I lost my appetite. I was scared. I was angry too. When I got in my car, Karina brought out my food. I thanked her for it. I worry about her. She's pregnant, and she's still gotta deal with Brother's explosive behavior. I can't imagine the stress that it adds to her pregnancy. Is this the first thing that their daughter is going to remember from her childhood, an uncontrollably angry father?

Karina apologized for Brother's behavior. She doesn't need to apologize. But if she doesn't, who would? Who cares? Brother apologizes all the time, but he doesn't mean it. If he meant it, he'd try to change. Sure, he apologizes because later on he feels guilty for how shit went down. If he would just stop and think, if he would just learn how to control his anger, he wouldn't end up situations that make him feel guilty, and he wouldn't have to apologize all the time. If he would actually try to become the person he wants to be, he would never have to apologize for anything.

Aahhhh! I was feeling so calm earlier. So much happier than I've been the past few days. Now my body is swinging between anger, frustration, and sadness. I was so hoping to finally get some good sleep tonight; now I'm just too upset. And I know I'm going to get hungry, but I don't want to eat. But I need to eat. I just want some fucking peace in my mind.

There's a quote on a mug somewhere: "Peace. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

I want that. That kind of peace. Question: How do I calm down my heart? It's been racing on and off for days.

Rest In Peace, Rahul.

Today, (technically yesterday now) after work, I found out from Shiva that a past friend from college committed suicide. I logged onto Facebook to see if there was anything else. It happened a few weeks ago. The handful of people that posted about Rahul's death all mentioned that they had a serious falling out with him years ago and regret or don't regret the events that took place between them. That's really all I know. And I probably won't hear anything else about it.

My initial reaction was shock, obviously. My brain refused to process it. My face started making that awkward smile that creeps up when my brain wants to be in disbelief. And when I couldn't fight it anymore, the sadness and tears came. The remorse too. But the remorse came slowly. Shiva even advised me about that before it ever occurred to me that I felt remorse. Even though I felt shock, I wasn't surprised. I don't think anyone was really surprised to hear the news.

We knew he was dealing with a lot of issues. We knew he was depressed. We knew he was angry. Many of us wrote him off as hateful and abrasive. He started ignoring us, cutting us off from his life. We didn't fight to stay in his life. I hadn't held a conversation with him for at least two years.

He was a good friend to me during the period that we still considered each other friends. He listened, and he gave me advice and pep talks. I did the same for him. We had fun together. He once told me that I was a good person, a good friend, someone who deserved the life she was granted. That meant a hell of a lot to me because he never really seemed to trust or believe in anybody.

This is where the remorse comes in: I should have tried harder with Rahul to be his friend. I knew he did listen to me at one point, for a while. But when he started cutting everyone I knew out of his life, I didn't bother to try to be there for him. I wrote him off too, based off of what everyone else said about the things he did to people. I didn't approve of the things he did, but he never did any of that to me. Now, I wonder if I could have at least made a tiny, positive difference in his life, if I had tried just a little bit.

A part of me just thought or maybe hoped that, one of these days, our paths would cross again, and we could pick up where we left off. And now he's left us, so that chance meeting isn't going to happen in this lifetime.

I know I'll eventually reconcile the remorse, but the weight of knowing that he's not here, that he felt so alone, feels like it's pressing down on me, reminding me that I could have done better. But I know Shiva and Vivi are right: We aren't the people we were when we knew him. We didn't know enough to help him then. If we had the knowledge and experiences we have today, we may have been able to help him and support him. We have to accept that the people we were then weren't ready or able to handle the issues that came up. Now, we can learn from it and hopefully be ready and able.

Sometimes, I just wish I was perfect. Perfect at reading people, interacting with them, helping them, making their lives better or at least much more bearable. But the best I can do is to try. I hope that it's enough.


In lighter news, I logged onto Facebook for the first time in about a year. I've been meaning to log in the past three weeks but just forgot or didn't feel like it. Rahul's death gave me a reason to log in. I stayed on and looked around. Read a few messages that I've missed. Looked at the friend requests. Looked at photos I've been tagged in. Kat uploaded three photos of me with my first fauxhawk haha. I miss that fauxhawk.

Last thing I did on Facebook was to send a long message to Tina, apologizing for how immaturely I handled our issues and ended our friendship and hoping for new bridges. One of the main reasons I've wanted to get onto Facebook was to contact her. I feel like I've taken enough time to grow up and learn how to better deal with conflict and negative emotions. I suppose some people would say it's better to leave burnt bridges alone, but I'm not that kind of person. I'm too hopeful for that. I've improved myself over the past year, and I'm in a relatively better place. No better time to build a new bridge.

Tina seems to be doing better too from what I can see on her Facebook. Her old one was deleted, I guess, and she created a new one. She seems to be in a relationship. I'm hoping we've both grown enough to be able to be friends again. Of course, I won't hold it against her if she chooses to not accept my offer. I understand when people move on. I just don't want to lose any opportunities.


Anyway, yeah, this is all I can really remember from this day. I'm glad it's the weekend and I don't have any plans. I can stay home, process things, and move along.

Life goes on, yeah? And we go on with it.

Short shorts and skirts.

I used to wear short shorts and skirts. I also used to wear dresses.

I last wore a dress when I was probably in the fourth grade. (I technically didn't wear a dress to junior or senior prom. Thank goodness for amazing friends.) I last wore a skirt around the same time, maybe a little bit sooner than that; it was probably a school uniform skirt. I last wore short shorts when I was sixteen; though, I'm pretty sure none of my high school friends had ever seen me wear them...

People have asked me why I'm such a tomboy or why I don't wear "girly" clothes more often. I've always said that I've felt most comfortable in baggier, "guy" clothes, which is true. I do have an affinity to clothes that don't cling to my body or reveal too much skin. I like being low-key. Plus, I've always felt awkward in my body. Don't get me wrong; I like my body for sure. Just sometimes, I don't want to feel like I'm focusing so much on my body or the femininity of it. So yeah, less feminine clothing makes me feel like it's just easier to be me and not draw attention to anything that doesn't need attention.

But I'm gonna reveal a little secret: While I do feel somewhat awkward thinking about wearing skirts, short shorts, and such, I really, really miss wearing them. Like, so much. Haha is anyone surprised? And i think the awkwardness comes more from the fact that I haven't worn any of these things in so long, so the idea seems foreign to me.

Mother always likes to remind me that she used to dress me up in dresses and skirts all the time when I was a child. We have pictures, and some of my memories of childhood are relatively still intact. So yes, I remember that she did do that, and I also remember that I loved my dresses and skirts as much as I loved my pants and cargo shorts, along with the hand-me-downs from Brother. (I still occasionally get hand-me-downs from him.) Yeah, I ran around with the boys a lot, making pants and boys' shorts the ideal forms of clothing to wear for all that roughhousing. But I liked everything I wore when I was younger. I didn't hate anything I owned. I especially loved my three pairs of denim short shorts from Old Navy haha.

So why did I gradually stop wearing "feminine" clothing? As far as I can remember, it was always because of something that someone else did and which I didn't know how to stop. I stopped wearing skirts and dresses because boys I didn't know would stand under the monkey bars to look up. Adding to that, boys I didn't know learned that sticks can easily lift up the backs of skirts and dresses. I stopped wearing short shorts because a man twice my age tried to kiss me.

My family only knows about the monkey bars experiences I had. I never bothered to tell them about the boys with the sticks because Mother's reaction to the monkey bars stories was to laugh and to say that kids will be kids. That's still her reaction to these anecdotes. I'm pretty sure many parents have that same reaction. For the most part, I don't really care about the monkey bars stories because I got past it. Boys will be boys, and I generally didn't remember those experiences after a while. Oh, and I definitely did not tell my family about the man who tried to kiss me when I was sixteen. No way.

I blogged about it on my LiveJournal instead. I just read the entry. I'm shaking my head at it and asking myself, "Why didn't I say something back then? Why didn't I shove him away and yell? Why didn't I do anything to protect myself?" I know I'm lucky that all he tried to do was grope and kiss me. So much worse could have happened, but I was lucky. But Mother was just about two rooms away. Why didn't I call for her? Why didn't I tell her right after it happened? What was I thinking? Well, first, I don't know why, but I thought it was some kind of joke that the man was trying to pull on me. It didn't really click. Or maybe it did, and I didn't want it to click because it was scary and I didn't know how to handle it. Then I just felt shock that it had happened to me at all. Then I couldn't tell Mother because I was afraid she would get mad at me for letting it happen, for not knowing better, for not knowing how to fight back. A secondary thought was she would never be able to trust me being around anyone again because anyone could manipulate me. (Sorry, this was somewhat of a tangent.)

I couldn't comfortably wear short shorts or anything super feminine after this particular experience because I had been wearing a pair of my favorite short shorts and a tight girls' shirt when it happened. I suppose I engrained in myself that it was the clothes I wore that brought this on me. And if I continued to wear the clothes, the situations would get worse and worse, it would all be my fault, and I wouldn't be able to protect myself.

I wonder now if I decide to wear feminine clothing, and I got the kind of attention that I don't want, would I be able to feel comfortable in what I'm wearing and to get myself safely out of that situation? Honestly, I don't think so. I think I would still be that scared, naive, easily manipulated little girl who couldn't react except to tilt her head down. I've tried my best to keep myself out of those situations by dressing down and not accentuating my feminine qualities. I chose to avoid rather than to confront my fear.

I guess I never really got past any of it.

I genuinely don't care much about fashion, but I know I like wearing different styles of clothing when the mood strikes. It's just difficult to consider all the possible options because I'm terrified of the attention I could get. I have no intention of or desire for getting that attention; I just want to wear the clothes.

Why can't I wear what I like to wear without fearing that it will be seen as an invitation to my body for someone else?

I should just face my fears head on, yeah? I'm not always that brave. Sometimes, I have that moment where I feel like I can take on any challenge, but it passes so quickly that I don't jump on it. Damn, it's just clothes, but a part of me is very terrified. But I know, one day, I will wear some short shorts or a skirt, and I won't be terrified. That day just isn't today. Or tomorrow.

Mini-mini-rant about "Cups."

I love the movie Pitch Perfect. Anna Kendrick is super attractive and can sing pretty well. Rebel Wilson is seriously funny :P I enjoy music, and I definitely love a capella. I've spent plenty of hours watching college a capella group performances on YouTube over the years.

So when this movie was announced, I was definitely looking forward to it. Eventually, I watched it, and it was great. Definitely what I expected. Not the best a capella performances ever but still really good. Storyline, nothing new. I really just wanted to listen to the performances and mainly ogle Anna Kendrick because that's just what I do hahaha.

Now, the song from the movie that got most popular was the cup song that Anna's character performs during her audition. It was fun and cool. My first thought when I saw that scene was "Oh hey! I recognize that cup beat from HappySlip!" and I continued to enjoy the rest of the movie.

For months after the movie was released, people have copied the cup song and all on YouTube. Understandable. It was something relatively new to the masses.

Critics started saying that Pitch Perfect ripped off the cup beat and song from a YouTube video (http://youtu.be/DWCOYJg9ps4). Others claiming rip-offs from HappySlip's "HappySlip Jingle," Full House/The Cup Game, Lulu and the Lampshades, Charlie Monroe, and The Carter Family.

Really, my only response is this: No one related to the movie ever claimed credit for the song or beat. While they didn't name the YouTube video that inspired the scene, to me, it was pretty obvious they didn't come up with it. In a movie FULL of a capella covers, I don't think it would have made sense to have a character perform an original piece and not cover an already established song. But that's just me. Also, this song has gone through a string of covers over the past near-century, and Pitch Perfect just added one more to it.

I think I'm just peeved that people have been trashing Anna Kendrick and the movie for "stealing" other people's music. It's a movie about a college a capella group that performs medleys and mash-ups of song covers. There is no original music performed. Anna Kendrick even admitted in an interview that she learned the song and beat from a YouTube video via Reddit and the producers of the movie thought it would be great if she could incorporate it into the movie. I don't know why she or the movie is still getting flak from people. But whatever, they're coming out with Pitch Perfect 2 :D And I'm excited for it.

Some people say, "More cowbell!" I say, "More a capella!" or "More harmonies!"


I know I'm really late on responding to the critics or whatever, but I just realized every video remotely related to this song (The Carter Family, Charlie Monroe, Lulu and the Lampshades, HappySlip, Anna Burden, etc etc) has people talking about how Pitch Perfect stole the song. My mind was just boggled by the assumptions.

Clutter.

I have no idea if and how I am ever going to move into and live in a bigger place. More space... just the thought of it makes me feel nervous, just very slightly anxious.

My current room is probably about 9' x 10'. My bed takes up just less than half of that area. There are also a computer desk, a small chair, and a dresser. Everything else (luggage, boxes of memorabilia, laundry basket, some clothes, random stuff) fits in my closet. I have just about everything I own with me in my room.

If you recall, I spent a lot of time over the past year or so reorganizing, tossing, and donating my things because I wanted to prepare myself to move out of Mother's home and also just to not have so much stuff I didn't need. (There is still so much left that I could get rid of, but I'm attached to some things.) By the standards of some of my friends, I have very few things, and it's all very organized. I look at my space, and I see so much more room for improvement.

I still see so much clutter. I want to get rid of more things, but I'm afraid I'll regret tossing something out. So far I haven't yet regretted anything I've gotten rid of, except maybe a CD or two from my childhood but it's not really regret; I'm not beating myself up over them.

I think I may be slightly obsessive about how much I have and compulsive about de-cluttering. Most days, I will myself to not think about any of it. But when I can't will myself, I just think a dresser and a box or two should be able to hold all my stuff; however, that's not the case, and it annoys me that I can't fit most of my things into that amount of space. I feel uncomfortable with the knowledge that I have so much stuff.

I may or may not go into another de-cluttering frenzy soon. You know, where I sort my stuff out, feel satisfied for about a day, and repeat. Yeah, I may have an issue. I'm not even joking. When I'm in my room, I tend to feel like there's too much around me and just want to get rid of everything. Except obviously I don't let myself do it because I know some of these things are important.

-sigh- I don't even know why I obsess about this. I didn't before, did I? I don't even buy that much stuff. I usually spend money on food, gas, and a necessary item here and there. Last time I went to Target was to buy health-related things, a carton of ice cream, and string cheese haha. I dislike shopping, but I do it. When I do, I don't buy much. So I don't understand why I feel like I have too much. I mean, I do add things to my room sometimes but not because I bought it. Most things I add to my collection of possessions usually come in the form of gifts from others or just my family's contributions to my well-being. And I have the hardest time getting rid of those because my appreciation of people's generosity prevents me from doing so.

What was the point of this post? To share my current late-night obsession. I can't sleep >: I keep thinking about how I'm going to reorganize things or get rid of them. Also thinking about going to Target tomorrow to buy a plastic storage container to put all my memorabilia in. They're currently stored in two stacked boxes, which Shiva gave me a few months back. I would keep them in those boxes, except a cockroach found its way into my room a few mornings ago. I freaked out because I keep my room clean; the fact that a roach still found my room welcoming annoys me. So I read online that cardboard boxes can attract both roaches and spiders. Plastic containers would be better for storage. I also like plastic because critters generally don't chew through or find their way into those sealed containers.

Also, if I could fit the stuff from two boxes into one container, that would be awesome. Trying to reduce the quantity of boxes I use to store things. I was debating whether to get one or two plastic storage containers. I think one is good; two will just leave too much empty space in one container haha. I don't like having too much extra storage space... Just having enough extra space is good. I know I'm weird.

So I feel like moving into a much bigger place, like an apartment, either leaves me with a lot of unused space or with a potential urge to fill in the space. Either way, I don't think I would be very happy. I think I'm very happy in a small space like my current bedroom, even if I wish I had a bathroom and a kitchenette attached directly to my room or lived in a room that was 12' x 12'. Or had a twin-sized bed instead of a full-sized one :P I'm pretty sure I would only be happy moving into a larger space if I were to have a roommate who took up a little more than half the space haha. Otherwise, like I already stated, the idea of that much space for myself just makes me nervous.

Oh man, I don't know how I'm going to survive in this world if this is a major concern of mine hahaha.

Seriously though, I don't want to take up space that I feel like I don't need, but I'm still taking up that space.

I know, eventually, I'll figure this out and hopefully find a good balance of space or something. Now, I must try to sleep.

Thanks for reading this ridiculous post. It made me feel a little better to type it out. Good night.