Not bald.

I have a shaved head :D Shiva buzzed my hair with her electric razor on Saturday. We used #3 because that was the longest one she had.

It feels so nice. No need to use a lot of shampoo and conditioner for a while haha. When Brother saw it on Sunday, he didn't look happy. But whatever. I did it. He can't change it back.

I'll probably try to only see Mother once a week. And I'll wear a beanie to cover my head so that she won't know. I know she'll freak out if she sees it.

I'm debating about whether I'll get my hair buzzed again before summer. It's so nice and strange to feel the air on my scalp. I couldn't stop touching my hair all weekend haha. It's such a new feeling. I like it.

Shiva says my head looks so small now that my hair is pretty much gone. And I've pretty much received positive reactions from friends who have seen me so far.

If I buzz my hair again, that means I would have to continue to wear a beanie whenever I see Mother. During the summer. Wouldn't it be suspicious? Probably.

Maybe I'll just get started on growing my hair out to donate it in two-ish years. Again :)

Anyway, a family friend connected me to a potential job. An office/administrative assistant or something like that for Quanta QCT in Milpitas. I could do it. It would be a bit closer to home. I probably wouldn't have to wake up so early. That would be nice. Plus, it would be a permanent job, not temp.

I'm emailing the the family friend's friend who is offering the job. He has asked for my salary request, but I have no idea how much money I'd like to earn. I'm happy with $8.50 an hour, but I have a feeling that my family would be upset about that and the guy also said that I was overqualified for the job based on my resume. Except I don't see that because I barely have any work experience.

I looked up similar jobs online, and people tend to make about thirty-something thousand dollars a year in a job like this. But I don't want to ask for so much money... I don't need it...

I think I'll wait for Shiva to come home to help me choose a number haha. If I respond now, I would probably ask for $10 an hour, and that would be less than $20,000 a year. And much less than the average entry level assistant, it seems.

I don't know what I'm supposed to ask for.

Oh, and I don't know how this other company would react to me having shaved my head. My current workplace allows me to wear a hat, so I kept my beanie on all day. Even though, it gets really hot in there. Potential job is in an office environment... I don't know if they'll look down on me or rescind the job offer. I hope not.

First real paycheck

I picked up my paycheck from Aerotek today. I actually make $8.50 an hour, not $8.00 and not $8.25. What a pleasant surprise.

So I take home more than the $200 I originally thought I would get in a week :) Yay! That means I can pay rent! Hehe.

After I picked up my check, I went to Target at Oakridge. It's so strange that I'm doing shopping for myself. I didn't buy too many things, but I ended up spending more than $40 T-T Oh well, these were mainly necessities.

I'm at Mother's right now. For lunch. Then I gotta go make a deposit. Then go to another Target near home to find something that was not at Oakridge. Then I can go chill at home. Yay.

Just give me a few more weeks, and I will get used to this whole being-an-adult business haha :)

I cried at work today.

Today was full of good stuff for me. I've only been working for a week, and now I've already cried because of work.

My trainer, Angelica, had asked me how I was doing, and I said that I was tired like I have been all week. She looked at me for a while and then said that I don't eat enough. I said I eat enough. I just don't have any of my own food at home to bring with me to eat yet; I need to wait for my paycheck to come in so that I have money that I'm not saving and can spend. Angelica and a few coworkers asked me if I wanted our other coworkers to chip in to buy or bring me food every day, and I said no. That's just too nice for people to do for a stranger like me, who's probably not staying at this job for too long. Then my coworker Jaswinder asked me if I was eating dinner, and I said, "Yeah, my friend cooks for me." Haha. It's kinda true. I don't think she believed me though because she looked at me like it was a weird thing to say.

At break time, Angelica and some other coworkers bought tamales from a taco truck. Angelica saved two for me. I appreciated it. I saved one for home.

At the end of the work day, I noticed that Angelica had a whole bunch of cash on our table, but I didn't think anything of it. A few minutes later after cleanup, she pulled me aside and told me that she knows I don't want any help but everybody there is very nice and really cares about each other. Then she started counting and putting the money into my hand. She also gave me a list of people's name. There was a total of nineteen coworkers who chipped in. $240 in cash. I was awestruck. Angelica had asked coworkers, some I don't even know, during her lunch break to help me out. I had a late lunch, so it was easy for her to surprise me.

So after she gave me the money and explained that everyone there cares and would like me to be ok, I just started crying. I didn't know what to say or do. I just thanked her. It felt like everything around became muted. (And it's a factory, so it's very loud in there.) She told me that even though I've only worked there for a week, she can tell that I'm a good person and a hard worker. I just cried harder.

Man, after an exhausting week, this was the perfect end to it. I came to Knightsbridge Plastics, Inc., thinking it was just a temp job and I probably wouldn't get to know people all that well. But in a week, I've talked to a handful of people who are pretty awesome. And now some of those people and others I haven't met have given me something. I don't know how to repay them. I just feel so grateful to be surrounded by such thoughtful, awesome, lovely people. Today made me realize it wouldn't be so bad to continue working here.

However, that leads me to the next good thing that happened today. The hiring manager from Randstad called me and told me that there's a possible job opening for me. I told her I could start a week from Monday, April 1; I'd like to be able to give a few days' notice to my current employer. Details haven't been finalized yet, but the chance is there. Tomoyo, the manager, just wanted to give me a head's up, in case I was still looking for work. Even though the kindness that I was given today made me feel better about working at KPI, I would still like a job that helps me save more by being closer to home or paying more. Anyway, Tomoyo said that she would call me back on Monday to let me know for sure and to let me have a few days to decide if I would like to take the job.

I don't know what I will do about the job. I'll probably take the Randstad job if it's officially offered. We'll see what happens. I might just feel kinda sad to leave all these nice friends I've started making. We don't really have any reason to talk outside of work. But who knows what will happen until I leave? Maybe I'll get some emails or numbers, and we'll all hang out. Haha probably not. Most of my coworkers are busy with work and families... But these are the kinda people I would like to be friends with. We need more people like them. I'm lucky to have met some of them.

Anyway, the rest of my day was eventful, I suppose. I went to Chase today to open a bank account. I was in such a good mood that I actually chatted with the banker who was helping me. Talking to people seemed a little easier and more fun today.

And I just realized I forgot the apartment number in my address when I was opening the bank account. Ahh, so stupid -_- It's been a while since I've had to add an apartment number to my address.

Hmm, I also visited Dexter today. Played with him for a bit. Fed him a little bit, even though I wasn't supposed to :P I smelled like wet dog when I left him. Also felt really bad that he was alone. He started whining when I was leaving /: I realize I don't know if I could handle having a dog. A cat, maybe. Dogs need a little too much attention. I'd like a pet who knows when I need to be alone and can be ok home alone.

Oh, another stupid thing I did. I almost caused a car accident on the way home from Dexter. I didn't realize the lane I was in was merging with the lane on my right. When I realized I was about to hit the car next to me, I swerved and nearly hit the car in the lane on my left -_-; I didn't see either car. I was paying attention too... I think me driving on five hours or less of sleep is hazardous. Tonight, I pass out and get at least eight hours. Hopefully.

I'm actually pretty sleepy right now. Also hungry. Waiting for Shiva and Mai to come back from food shopping to make dinner <.< I need to eventually not depend on other people for my meals.

Ooh, can't wait for the hard ciders. And beers another night. Ooh, maybe I can buy a pack... Or not. There's not much space in the fridge. And I should spend money on things I need, not want >: Maybe when I have more spending money. An occasional six-pack wouldn't be harmful or wasteful...

Ah, let the weekend begin.

I am officially an adult.

I moved out from Mother's home on Tuesday night. It was an emotional parting. She cried because she's worried about me and she knows she will be alone--she also sees me as being alone in the world. I cried because I know she will be alone. I'm not worried about me. I know things will get better. I just wish I could know for sure Mother will be happy and safe.

So I'm crashing on the futon couch in the living room of the apartment that Shiva and Killol live in. I've pretty much rearranged my possessions a whole bunch of times already. It helps to still my nervous mind. Their apartment is messy and cluttered. I usually don't care about other people's mess enough to do anything. But the clutter is driving me mad. Because I don't know what else to think about. When I think about something else, my mind usually returns to Mother.

I think I might end up reorganizing parts of the apartment in my free time. When I have the energy.

I don't have energy. It's been an exhausting week. Not enough sleep. Too many hours standing and/or hunching over small plastic parts, examining them closely yet quickly. Mind-numbing work for most people. I actually do enjoy it. I just don't like the strain on my back and shoulders. Overall a fun experience. I think I get nervous though because these parts all go into medical devices. So people's lives are affected by the work we do. No flaws, no defects. I don't like knowing that my mistakes could hurt someone else. These might be small parts, but even small things can create great consequences.

Anyway, I can drink alcohol again tomorrow. I can relax this weekend. Much needed after this week. Tomorrow, I gotta go to work, pump some gas into my car, pick up my paycheck, open a bank account, mail my rental agreement back to the landlady, visit Dexter and let him out for a bit, and then finally down a beer or two. I am so looking forward to that beer. Or well, probably just hard ciders; close enough.

I'm so damn tired. I don't know why I'm not asleep yet. I gotta get up at 5:15am. I feel like after I get the rest I need this weekend and finish all the paperwork I need to finish, I will transition more smoothly into my new weekly routine. I hope so. I think I could love this job if I wasn't so tired and stressed. But I would also love a job that's closer to where I live and pays a little more. Just so I can save gas and money. A higher pay would allow me to save more money sooner. That would be nice. I could help my family pay stuff off sooner.

Ahh... Oh, Mother's birthday is Sunday. I think I'll come home to spend some time with her and D.

Sleep calls to me. It's been calling to me every day this week. Hopefully, I'll give in to it more easily next week when I don't have to stay up to figure so many things out.

But I still feel like I'm enjoying life, even if I'm a little sad right now. Life is being good to me, curve balls and hurdles notwithstanding.

Anyway, good night, friends.

Real adulthood is overwhelming me...

Before I even get to jump into it.

I couldn't sleep last night. My brain just kept thinking, even though my body was so tired.

The past two days, I've really only been thinking about how my future is going to affect me. Last night, I couldn't stop thinking about how my decisions are going to affect Mother.

I'm overwhelmed by the potential of my future. Even from the small things. The small plans. Overwhelmed but so excited. I'm happy.

But I worry about Mother. I have so many worries about her. I know I've wanted to be independent of her for a long time because she's overprotective and controlling. But I know she just wants everything to work out perfectly for me. But that's not the point. The point is I'm leaving Mother's home. She'll be alone after I move out. Will she become lonely? Will moving out have negative repercussions on her mental or emotional state? Will she be ok?

I was a mess last night. I haven't cried so hard since... well, a short while ago. I haven't talked to her about this yet. I think I want to. But I don't know how that conversation will go. What if she doesn't even think about it? Until I mention it.

I know my life could get really tough. And it scares me a little. But I know I could handle it. But thinking about Mother and how all this could affect her... scares the shit out of me. Terrifies me to no end.

I want everything to go smoothly for Mother's sake. If problems arise for me alone, that's fine. I'll figure it out, and I have friends who can help me. But if anything happens to Mother, I don't know what I would do.

Ahhh, my brain... So much clouding my brain.

I'm going to become a real adult!

So I think I'm actually going through with the Fremont job. How exciting. First step into the world. Sad that I'm saying it at age 22, but happy that I'm finally saying it.

Need to think through everything I have to do soon to officially be independent legally. Have to sign a rental agreement, change my address at the DMV, change my address at the post office, and get copies of the agreement and DMV changes. Fill out and submit forms and proof about the change in household composition to Housing Authority for Mother. Notify SSA of the household change as well.

Not too many things to do, but it still feels overwhelming because this is an all-or-nothing kinda deal. Once I'm legally independent, I can no longer depend on Mother to financially support me. If I crash and burn, my family won't be able to help me because our financial situation will drastically change once I'm out of the house. They've made that very clear. And I knew it too. I never plan to come begging for their help as soon as something gets too hard. I don't want to do that. I think I actually have enough pride to want to avoid that haha.

I could make this work. Mother's pessimism has gotten me to question my ability to survive. But I'm fairly confident I can make things work. Still looking for a job in San Jose so that my minimum pay will be $10 an hour and my workplace will be closer. I don't know how that will work out; it might just be a repeat of the past year of my job search. But it's ok. At least I'll have some kinda job for now.

Worst case scenario at this assembly job, according to http://www.suburbancomputer.com/tips_calculator.php, I can still take home about $200 a week after taxes. Assuming that this calculator is actually accurate, I can manage. My original estimates of what I need were based on San Jose's previous minimum wage anyway. As long as the costs of rent and everything don't skyrocket over the next year, I should be able to live comfortably with savings slowly adding up. I can do this!

Oh, I gotta remember to open a bank account when I move out too. Switch to direct deposit. Oh, and Coinstar. I seriously hope that will add at least another $200 to my savings...

I'm already making plans for the future :) I'm so excited. Not necessarily plans related to finance or housing, but just life in general. All the fun stuff. I never do that. It's still so strange for me to look forward to the future. Even a little bit.

Oh, and I think my cleaning-out/organizing/reorganizing frenzy is gonna infect Mother. She wants to clean out our garage of junk, since I'm leaving. Also, some junk collecting thing is happening at the elementary school near us. I've been trying to get her to start clearing junk out. Finally! Now we'll see how easy it is for her to let go of stuff that we haven't seen in years.


Aaaanyway, childhood photos! I've totally forgotten the rest of what I was going to say for this entry. Oh well. Baby photos!

I officially have a job.

Finally!

I got an interview with Aerotek, a staffing agency. Initially, they were going to offer me a recycling center job that pays $10 an hour and has 60-hour work weeks, so lots of overtime. I think I could have done that, but that would have been extremely tiring. I'm not a night person. Working from 1 to 1 doesn't sound too fun. If I had decided to do that job, I probably would have worked from 1am to 1pm instead of 1pm to 1am. Either way, doesn't sound that great. Though, the overtime pay would have been nice.

So they offered me another job: medical device assembly. Starts on Monday. Supposedly, $8.25 an hour, or minimum wage. 32-hour weeks guaranteed. That's what the guy told me. Except I think minimum wage in Fremont is just $8.00 an hour. Oh well, I wrote $8.25 on the forms because that's what he told me.

I know that's not much money, but I just want some work experience. The money can happen later. And it's not like I'm going to spend much. The plan still is to move in with Shiva and Killol for a month or two to save money. Maybe by the time I rent my own room, I'll have a higher paying job.

I just needed a jumpstart on my official work history.

Early this morning, I actually had scheduled an interview with Domino's Pizza for a delivery driver position downtown. I was getting ready to go to that interview, but Mother got mad at me for applying for it at all. "You could get robbed! Grown men don't even want to do delivery jobs because they know they could be robbed." So I canceled the interview to calm her down, except she wouldn't calm down.

Then I received an email about a Craigslist ad I responded to. A documenting project in north San Jose for the state prison system. I replied to the email but haven't received any response since. It would pay $10 an hour. Full-time guaranteed. Job would last at least nine months. It's actually somewhat related to my degree.

Since I hadn't received any reply to that email and got a call from Aerotek, I went to the Aerotek interview. Nice people.

Anyway, I guess I'll stick with this assembly job for now. See how it works out. And if the documenting job pans out, I could just quit the assembly job and start working on the documenting job. Though, I guess I would feel bad for quitting so soon. But I hope they would understand that I had to jump at any job offers I could get. Today, Aerotek's offer was the best I could get. If the documenting job works out, then that will probably be the best offer.

So now that I officially have a job, that means I have to start filing paperwork to move out of Mother's place. Sadly, I don't get a week to do all of it. I have this weekend and the afternoons after work.

But I can't wait to finally move out. Mother is trying to convince me that I need to come home every day to eat, except that's a waste of my gas money, which I won't have very much of.

Oh man, I hope everything works out. Once I move out, I'm hoping things will get a little simpler. And I hope I'll finally find the motivation and time to do the things I want to do, like exercise. Need to start running or something. It's ridiculous how unenergetic I have become.

Since I probably won't be making that much for a while, I will probably stay in even more than I usually do. Just want to save as much as I can. Then find a really cheap room to rent. Like $300 a month. I could go without immediate access to Internet and TV.

I just want to be able to simplify my life. Simple living. Is that too much to ask for? Mother seems to think so. She thinks I'm gonna crash and burn once I leave her home. I'm so sad that she has so little faith in me. I'm so sad she still thinks I'll be just like Brother. How unfair. I'm not him. I'm not like him. I don't want her to continue to treat me like a child. I wanna live my life on my own.

Baby steps. I will get to where I want to be. I will become the person I want to be. Just need to slowly pry Mother's very strong fingers off of me.

I'm so excited. While my job might not be the most exciting news ever to someone else like Mother, I'm so happy to start working. To get started on my life away from family. I'm finally going to be productive. I just want to be happy. I want a simple and satisfying life. I feel like this job is a step in that direction, whether I have my family's full support in it or not.

I currently don't have very high aspirations--I never really did. I don't know if I ever will. But I'm not complaining. Other people might say I'm settling or I'm not trying hard enough. That's how they see it, which is fine. I don't see it like that. I don't know exactly where I want my life to go, so I can't really head in a specific direction. I'm all right with just going where life takes me. See what's offered and what opportunities I'm willing to take. I might not take the best opportunities every time, but I'm totally fine with that. As long as life treats me well and I'm happy, it's all good. Simple and satisfying, that's all I'm asking for. If I'm not struggling to survive, I'm not going to complain.

I'll be happy for the friends who make it far and reach their higher goals, and I'll be happy for the friends who just make it. And I'll also be happy for and proud of myself no matter how far I get, as long as I know we're all living well, honestly, and happily.

I've lived in SSSJ most of my life...

I grew up thinking that I lived in ESSJ until the sixth grade, but after some Internet researching, I have found that I was wrong. I've lived mostly in South San Jose ever since I was a few weeks or months old. I say mostly because there was a six-month period at the end of high school where I did live in East Side. Anyway, the neighborhood that I lived in for the early majority of my childhood was technically a part of South San Jose.

I know this is totally unimportant and so very trivial, but this just makes me feel so... I don't even know.

The past few months had found me confused and questioning the imaginary dividers of San Jose. And I finally found out what they were. Thank Wikipedia and Google Maps. So I have spent most of my life living in South San Jose but believing that I had spent a significant portion of my life in East San Jose.

If we want to argue technicalities, then ok yeah, I did spend a significant amount of time in ESSJ because of all the family friends and Vietnamese stores and restaurants in the east. But I thought my childhood homes were a part of that too. But now, I have figured out that they were not. I don't know why this bothers me as much as it does. It just does.

All the Mexican and Viet gang violence and gang members in and near my neighborhood probably threw off the easily confused little brain of mine.

-sigh- I am just so shocked... Not really haha. But it just makes realize that I thought I knew something, but it wasn't true. And I'm having a semi-serious reaction to this. I hope I don't find out that something else that I believe I know, that's way bigger than this, is also untrue. I'm not sure how I would handle that haha.

I can't be a spendthrift.

It's not in my blood.

I wonder how much money my family would have saved over the years if Mother wasn't religious or superstitious. I think it would be well into the thousands. Add in all the money she has spent on clothes, accessories, and jewelry she didn't need. Plus other unnecessary, aesthetic-related things. We would have had tens of thousands to spend on food, rent, and maybe even a family vacation here and there.

I know I'm not innocent either. I've spent money on things I didn't need. Movies, concerts, dance clubs, expensive food, Anime Expo, mini trips to other cities in California, random knickknacks that I ended up giving/throwing away years later, books that I read once. Mainly food that I don't need to eat.

The difference between Mother and me is that I know I waste money on things I don't need, so I try to cut back. She won't acknowledge that she's spent so much money on unnecessary things because she wanted to have the perfect image. Instead of spending that money on things we needed like a car or insurance or bills. And she always blamed someone else for the debt. I mean, yeah, Brother has given us debt. But so has Mother. But she won't take responsibility. It's always "But I needed that." Who needs jewelry to live? Who needs expensive clothing or accessories that are only worn once or twice? Why spend money on things you don't want to use because you're afraid people will think you're rich and rob you?

I want to move out and make my own living. So I can spend my money the way I want to spend it. Just so I know and I can prove that I'm not like Mother and Brother. I'm not gonna be buying new toys and accessories every other week. I don't need that stuff. It's so much clutter =___= And that's just annoying.

If I had a say in what to keep or throw out of this house, we would probably have less than half the things we currently own. Alas, I don't; so all this clutter is just going to annoy me until I move out. All this clutter will continue to be a reminder of how wasteful of our money we are. We can't save anything. We used to save a lot. I don't know what happened.

So annoyed.

Inferiors vs. Superiors

This morning, I had a long, complex... not really a nightmare... more of a very depressing dream. Although, it did have elements of a nightmare. I woke up a little scared and fearful for my life, until I realized I had woken up from a dream.

So where to start? Well, before I start describing the dream, I'm just gonna say the only movie I've watched within the past two or three weeks was "The Raid: Redemption." I've mostly been watching Friends. (Season 6, here I go!) So you would think my dreams would be filled with hilarity. But, apparently, they are not.

Also, my dream jumped around in time, and some details are those that I knew before the events of the dream occur. So my description of the dream is what I've put together from the pieces I remember.


Dream background:
Most of the people in my dream were friends from college or strangers in real life. There were a few hundred of us. We were all experiments, living in a confined space designed to look like a neighborhood of a big urban city. If anything, it reminded me of the neighborhood of "Hey Arnold!" It was a relatively small place; it could have been about forty square blocks with a large park in there. The perimeter was some four-sided invisible force field controlled by the scientists from the outside.

The experiment consisted of us all being injected with a genetic code modifier <.< Then we were to be observed by omniscient forces--scientists in zeppelins, scientists in helicopters, scientists through mounted cameras, and scientists manipulating the force field--to see how the modifier affected us. The experiment was only supposed to last about a year but ended up lasting much longer.

So the modifier changed all of us. The changes were solely in our intellectual and physical strengths. For some people, they gained a moderate increase in intelligence and a super increase in physical ability; for the rest, it was the opposite. The first group was more numerous. But there are no visible differences between us.

At the beginning of the experiment, we all got along. The scientists eventually figured out there were two groups. They scanned the modifiers in our arms to find out what changed in each of us. They labeled the super intellectuals simply as the A group, and the rest as the B group. We had police officers who were members of both groups, using what looked like AK-47s. They didn't use the guns though because it wasn't necessary. Everything seemed fine.

The only way we could know which group a person was a part of was if he or she told us. Initially, we didn't tell each other because we didn't know. The scientists didn't say anything. Eventually, though, the A group figured it out and told the rest of us.

Skip ahead in time a few years...

I was an "Inferior," a part of the original B group. The A group became known as the "Superiors."These were the names given to us by the Superiors. The Superiors had run the scientists out of the experiment. They gained control of the force field, keeping everyone else out. However, we the experiments couldn't leave because the modifiers in our arms could not pass through the force field. But if the force field was turned off, the modifiers would stop working with them. And the Superiors didn't want to lose their super intelligence. That's why they settled for gaining control of the field.

The Inferiors lived all around the tiny city, which was more like a town. Most Superiors lived in an area of the town that was guarded by some police. The police were all Superiors. The police lived all around to make it easier to enforce the rules.

It turned out that the role of police officers used to switch every so often, so that everyone got a chance to play that role. However, the Superiors came up with a plan to keep those positions. Why? Because there were a limited number of guns, thus a limited number of officers. With those positions, they got the guns, which they needed since their physical capabilities weren't as good as ours.

Actual dream events that I "experienced":
Superiors and Inferiors go into all the same places, but we're not allowed to interact with the Superiors. Fraternizing was against the rules. So when an officer saw a Superior and an Inferior talking to each other, he attacked the Inferior while the Superior walked away. I stood there and watched. I was upset and sad because I thought, "Well, he got caught breaking the rule, so he has to be punished."

At another point, I was walking in the park. Two officers walked up to me and asked me if I was an Inferior or a Superior. I told them I was an Inferior, and they started to beat me with their guns. I ran away from them, and they chased me. Don't remember what happened after that.

I was living with Matt and Mackenzie. Matt was an Inferior, but Mackenzie was a Superior. We were all friends before the experiment, so Mac decided to stay as our friend and protect us during the sweeps. She could convince her fellow Superiors that she lived alone.

Sweeps started happening because the Superiors decided they should wipe out the Inferiors before the Inferiors decided to do that to the Superiors. So every day, a group of officers would sweep a section of the town to find Inferiors to kill off.

But since Superiors and Inferiors went to the same places, the only way to know who was what was to scan their arms. So people who refused to be scanned were killed because the officers assumed only the Inferiors would refuse to be scanned.

So it was basically a massacre. The Superiors had the guns. Inferiors only had our physical strengths, but we couldn't reach them. I remember at some point, the scientists flew an airplane over our town and dropped hundreds of boxes of food into a predominantly Inferior-inhabited area. My friends and I ran to the boxes to stuff candy and junk food into a box, while the Superiors shot at me and my friends. Then we ran away and hid in our well-hidden basements.

We didn't fight back at all. We only ran away, cowered, or stood there. Any way you look at it, we just took the assaults. Pacifist people with super strength... sneaking around to avoid being killed. Violent people with super intelligence picking us off slowly. They knew how to find us! We couldn't outsmart them unless we had Superiors as friends who could help us.

Not too much action in my dream, but I witnessed a lot of friends being killed D: What stands out most from my dream was the knowledge I had of what had been happening. The dream events themselves are very fuzzy in my mind.

Like I remember more about the rules than I do about the enforcement of the rules. And in dreamland, the rules made sense to me.

One rule was the no-fraternizing thing. If there was any, only the Inferior was punished. The Superior would just be looked down upon or something. Oh, another rule was Inferiors are never allowed to hurt Superiors. If they did, Superiors were allowed to retaliate and kill them. The reasoning that Superiors gave was that Inferiors had an unfair advantage in the strength department. And for some reason, Inferiors agreed to that rule and never contested it.

Along with the no-fraternizing, no sexual relations. Except people did it anyway. Funny thing was if an Inferior-Superior couple had a child, the child would naturally be born into one of the two groups. No combination of both. Also, no modifier. So, technically, the baby could leave the town if the force field were opened. Except in my dream, no babies ever left.

I don't know what the heck was going on in my head while I was sleeping. All I remember feeling was sad and scared. The last thing I remember before waking up was hoarding the food, hiding, and then being found by someone... I don't know who found me.


I know my description of my dream isn't that great. I'm forgetting more and more of it as I write. I know that when I woke up, I felt like it was one of the most intense dreams I had ever had. I felt like I was gonna die by the hands of the people who were once my friends and fellow experiments.

Rawr. I wish I could remember all of it.

I told Mother and D about a part of my dream, and they said I'd been watching too many movies. But I haven't! -w-

Though, this could be a movie. Generic plotline, but awesome haha. If only I were a writer.

Oh, this kinda reminds me of the Stanford Prison Experiment... Huh.

Oh oh! This is also the first dream I've remembered in two or three months, I think. Yay! Even though, it was not a happy dream. At least I remembered a dream.

RIP Milton Lopez

I just found out another one of my best friends from my childhood passed away back in July 2012 ): He was 93 and diabetic; so I knew it would happen, but it still hurts a little. He was another friend that I had been meaning to see again after so many years. Another friend that I didn't get to talk to one last time.

For the past two years, Mother and I had been constantly reminding each other that we need to find his address and go visit him sometime. But today, she found out from a former neighbor of ours that Milton passed. That neighbor didn't even find out until recently as well.

I just feel really sad now. I've been wanting to talk to him again. There's not even a grave for me to visit because he was cremated.

I think I was still in high school the last time I saw him. And he still had both of his legs. Mother told me he lost his legs a few years ago because of the diabetes. She had visited him two or three years ago, and he had asked her to bring Brother and me with her the next time she came to visit. Except Mother lost his address, so we had to postpone the visit until we ran into a friend who would know his address. But we never ran into anyone who did.


Milton, you were a wonderful, loving person. Very thoughtful, very generous. I wish I could have gotten one more hug from you. Rest in peace, Milton. I love you, and I'll always remember and appreciate the things you did for my family.


I know people come and go for many different reasons, but it never gets easier to let people go. And it just makes me think that eventually we have to let go of everyone in our lives because everyone dies. I don't want to lose anyone. I just wanna grab hold and hang on.

Life goes on, and you go on with it.


Oh man, all the sadness and frustration ;-; I can't handle this.

Obsessive cleaning and reorganizing.

Is it obsessive?

I've spent a significant portion of each day for the past five(?) days, meticulously going through my things to clean and to recycle. Every day, I manage to rid myself of at least a small trash bin of items. I put the rest of my things back into the various boxes. It takes me at least an hour to do all of this.

I go through each thing, and I think about why I want to keep it. Usually, it is some sort of souvenir from my past, mainly from my academic career, my time with Shiva, and my trips to AX. I debate about... well, I dunno what I debate about. It's more of a feeling about whether I would like to keep the item or not. It is difficult because I am attached to my souvenirs. I used to look at them all the time to remember parts of my past. But they add to the clutter of things that I don't need. I try to tell myself to keep things that I may need in the future or which remind me of important parts of my life. When I'm satisfied, I put all my things back into their respective boxes and place the boxes back in my dresser.

Fifteen minutes later, the boxes are back out, and I'm pondering the same thoughts again. Occasionally, I manage to choose one or two more things to recycle. Usually old high school assignments. Then I pack the boxes away. Then I take them out again. Then away, and then out. I've repeated this process probably twenty or thirty times in the past couple of days. Every time I feel satisfied and put everything away, I start thinking about that one thing or other that I really don't need but kept anyway. Then I take everything out, look at that one thing, wonder about it, make a decision, and then do the same for everything else.

Lately, when I go to bed, my mind is plagued with thoughts about the things that I don't need. I start making a mental list of things that I should get rid of when I wake up. But the boxes-out, boxes-in cycle repeats itself. I have small boxes of things I want. But it bothers me that I have so much clutter. I'm pretty sure that eventually I will get rid of most of the stuff I've kept. It's just a matter of time and a matter of me letting go.

I don't know why I hang on to some of the stuff I have. They are so trivial. So unimportant to me, but I want to keep them. Examples would be report cards, Principal's Award certificates, Honor Roll certificates, and standardized test scores. These things mean very little to me, but I can't throw them out just yet. Why do I keep these things? I look at these things, and I feel nothing about them. I don't feel proud or anything like that. They're just pieces of paper that prove my teachers liked me back in junior high and high school, I knew how to please my teachers, some teachers played favorites, and I knew how to take a test. Other than that, these papers show very little about me. They don't help me remember much of who I was, other than being some supposedly smart kid.

And trust me; I read some of my old writing before I threw most of it out; I don't know how I got A's and B's on half the stuff I wrote. I think the only teacher who ever gave me grades that I agreed with was Mohr. B's, C's, and D's. I may have gotten an F once, but I'm not sure if I'm misremembering that. So I'll just say a D was the lowest grade I've ever gotten in Mohr's class or in school really. Her class made me feel like shit, and I didn't try harder. In fact, I stopped trying hard, especially in her class. That explains why I got a C on my final individual project, comparing myself to Nick Carraway. I think I really only passed her class because my classmates were lenient when grading my stuff and my final group project was with a bunch of my very smart and dedicated friends. Anyway, sorry, this was a tangent...

I think I want to hang on to these papers because I want someone else to see them. Someone important in my life. I just want to share the trivia of my life with someone important to me. Just to have someone who's seen this part of me that I don't care about, just so he or she knows that there was this part of my life that used to feel so important but isn't anymore. Recognition and adults who were proud of me. Just see that. Then I can throw it all away. And not look back at it and feel nothing.

I don't know if this makes sense. I just have letting-go issues haha.

But yeah, I'm slowly getting rid of things. I don't remember half the things I've recycled already. I've been told I might regret throwing things away. But it's ok. I'm more afraid that I'll try to keep all of these things close, and they'll be taken away from me for good. At least, this way, it's my choice to lose these things.

Besides, it's so much clutter! I'm hoping to whittle down my possessions enough so that they all fit into  one or two boxes. Now, I've got a small box of books, a bigger box of school stuff, a shoebox of knickknacks and souvenirs, and a cookie tin of random haha. I've still got other things that are not in boxes, but they're mainly photo albums, yearbooks, Sudoku books, and a couple of things I'd rather give away or sell than recycle.

I also can't forget that I have things that won't fit in conventional moving boxes. I've got a reverse blade; no idea what I will do with it. It's a nice souvenir from AX haha. I've also got a hockey stick; pretty good for self-defense :P Also for hockey if I ever play again. I've got bad artwork from a summer art class I took years ago.

I'm liking the space that I've made in my dresser. Once I get rid of some more stuff and give away or sell a few items, I think I'll feel much better about the stuff I'm keeping. Living with as few things as possible would be great. A change from the lifestyle I've had, living with Mother and Brother.

Honestly, I think once I move out, take all my things with me, and share them with someone other than myself, I'll be at ease. I won't obsess so much about reorganizing my stuff. I can share all these souvenirs that my family hasn't even really seen. I think I really just want someone to see the things I've kept to myself all these years, to see the things that I've treasured for some reason.

Souvenirs, reminders, keepsakes. They all remind me of some part of my life. Some event. Some transition. Some person. Something in my life. I feel like I'd forget them without the souvenirs. Except, every time I look through my things, there's something there that never reminded me of anything or no longer reminds me. I look at it, and I try to remember. But I can't. But if it's there, I know it's important, or at least it was. So why can't I remember it? At this point, I decide either to toss it out because it doesn't remind me anymore or to keep it in the hopes that I will remember again. I usually don't remember it again. So now I usually decide to toss it.

It just makes me unhappy to keep all these things that don't remind me of anything. As for the things that still remind me, I'm afraid one day they'll stop. I'm not ready for that.

Anyway, tomorrow, I'll probably take everything out and go through it all once more. I don't know exactly when I'll be satisfied and stop. Maybe I won't stop until I feel annoyed that there's nothing left to get rid of. Or maybe I really do just need to sort through my things with someone significant, and I'll be satisfied then. I dunno. We'll see what happens.

Before I forget, because I probably will, I need to list all the things I plan to give away or sell: flashlight/UV light, Long Day's Journey into Night, The Importance of Being Earnest, The Lovely Bones, TI-83 Plus, The All-American Rejects' self-titled album, and Muse's Absolution album.

If you or anyone you know would like any of these things, please let me know. Otherwise, I don't really know to whom I should give or sell them yet.

Woo! So much blather lately. I'm sorry. I'm hoping my next entry will be more... Interesting? Different?