Bitching and Moaning

All day today, there has been nothing but bitching and moaning. From everyone. Mother, Brother, D, me. Brother, D, and I were provoked many times by Mother. Mother was provoked by idiotic things. Like an open window, something that happened over thirty years ago, and me not doing things that she never asked me to do. Like I'm supposed to be able to read her mind.

Today was a shitty day. All she could do was yell at us and berate (I finally found the right word to use) us for stupid things or for things that have long passed. Even things that aren't true. Things that aren't worth being angry about.

Her hypocrisy just pisses me off so much. She yelled at D, saying that he always thinks he's right and he never listens to other people. D admitted that that is sometimes true, sometimes he doesn't listen, sometimes he is wrong. Then he said that Mother does the same things (I would have backed him up, but I didn't want to make myself a target). Mother yelled at him, saying that wasn't true, she's never wrong, she doesn't tell people they're wrong like he does, yada yada yada. Oh, the blunt hypocrisy. At least D can admit he's wrong. She won't admit she is. She finds no fault in herself but finds them in others whenever she can.

Again, I feel like shit today. Even lower.

I kept thinking all day that I shouldn't be living at home anymore. I can't stand her.

And I know, I'm repeating myself. Again and again. Can't help it. She makes me think like this. I let her make me think, act, feel like this. I let her get under my skin so easily now. My patience is nil. Seriously all gone now. Like, before, I could hold out for at least a few minutes or an hour. Now, I'm just pissed off as soon as she opens her mouth.

Ugh, I need out. But I should find a job first. Save some money. Ugh. I can't think long-term.

I don't know how my heart is handling this. So many times today, I felt like I was having a heart attack. Too much stress, pressure, high blood pressure.

Today was like one of the longest angry days ever.. Seriously, this crap lasted all of our awake time. How can we have so much anger? The bickering just dragged out for nearly 12 hours. Even when there were lulls in the bickering, Mother was still complaining about Brother, about his bosses, about me. Just everything. I think silence would have served us a little better. I mean, with her continued complaints, she worked herself up even more and just annoyed the rest of us because she wouldn't let anything go, picking at our very thin strings of patience (if there were any).

These teary days need to go away. Shoo.

Ugh, I have to drive her to Stockton tomorrow. I so don't want to be in the car with her. I just know she's gonna yell at me for something unreasonable. She's going to be unreasonable. I'm going to be unreasonable. Two unreasonable people in a car. I'm going to be battered and bruised by the end of the day (figuratively speaking, hopefully haha) T-T


Ahh, I hope this next week will be better. Less pressure please. I don't wanna feel like this anymore. I hate this feeling I have in my chest. It just hurts. Literally. It needs to go away now.