I want out.

This morning did not start off well. Got into an argument with Mother. She said she didn't want to drive my friends home anymore. I asked why. She said she didn't trust them. Why? Because they don't look like good people -__- She's barely met any of my friends. She's never really talked to any of them, except Le. But of course, Le is special, Mother loves her, so it's all good there. But everyone else, Mother has a bad impression of them, even though she doesn't speak to them.

Apparently, she dislikes Harrison because he didn't wear his seatbelt. I wanted to say a lot of people don't, including Brother. But I didn't. I didn't want to be argumentative. She said Harrison looked like a bad kid because he didn't put on his seatbelt. So I tried to defend him. She brought up the fact that he goes to De Anza, that I don't know him very well. That's why she doesn't like him. I told her that I have plenty of friends who go to De Anza, whom I've known since middle school, and who I barely talk to anymore. "Are they as bad as he is because they fit the same criteria?"

I think Mother was being racist. She almost said that she didn't like him because he looked Mexican. I think I would have prefered if she had put it that way instead of "I don't know what race he is, but he looks like a Mexican. (pause) He doesn't look like a good person."

You would think after teaching me to not judge people my whole life, she would have listened to her own lesson by now. But I shouldn't be surprised. I've noticed the hypocrisy in her words and actions for years now. But I can't say anything because I have to be a good kid.

We ended our argument with silence. I was fuckin' pissed. I almost cried. But I fought it. I mean, I was about to get on the light rail. Not gonna start sobbing in front of a bunch of strangers. Learned my lesson from before.


Ugh, I feel like this week is just being crappy as a way of saying it's payback for having a good week last week :/


Anyway, turned in my essay (realized I forgot the Work Cited page -_-) and got my midterm back in AAS. I was kinda nervous, but then I kept getting distracted with thoughts about the argument. I ended up being one of the very last people to get their tests back (There's 85 students in this class). But finally, after fifteen minutes, I got it. 39/40. I was surprised. I didn't think I had done that well. But apparently, the standards aren't that high.

Uh, in Social Dance, we got our list of moves required in our midterm. The routine that Tatiana and I put together so far included most of the list. This Friday, we're gonna change it a little. Apparently, Kim (another classmate) is coming to watch us practice because she needs to improve and her partner yells at her >:( hmph. Anyway, today, in class, Oscar showed us a new move (forgot what it's called, but it's from salsa). I think it's called Cradle or something, I really don't remember. At first, I was lost. Then I caught up, and it was pretty easy. After class was over, T and I asked Oscar to help me with the ending of the sweetheart move. It seems my steps are perfect, but I step too far on one step. That's my only flaw. Seriously? Geez -__- This whole time, that one step kept messing me up. Lucky I asked for his perspective, totally helped :D

After dance, went straight to the LGBT Center. I think I'm gonna do that from now on on Tuesdays and Wednesdays. I don't have to wait in the cold or rain. Chilled with Crystal and Tri. The Q&A meeting was cool. Good stories about coming out because it's National Coming Out Week. I shared mine after the meeting was over :P Wasn't planning on sharing, but whatever. Made it short anyway. You should already know my story or the basics. If you don't, you should know where to find it.

Oh, I signed up for queer panel workshop thing for Monday. Don't know if I can go though. Mother wants me to drive her to Stockton. I told her I had a required class engagement to go to. Then I felt bad for lying until she started bickering with me. Then I stopped feeling so bad. Anyway, we'll see if I decide to go. It could be fun. There's free food, so that's a plus.

Q&A Movie Night tonight, yay. I'm leaving at 18h45. I should be doing my physics homework right now so that I won't have to work on it at 11, but oh well. Go watch the movie, then pick up the brother at about 10, then go home, yay.


Hmm, so on the light rail, I ran into Rose and Tommy. We talked. She gave me a ride home (after I paid her two bucks) because Mother didn't pick up her phone. Rose asked me what I identified as now, what kinda people I like (I gave her a vague answer because I really don't know), and how my mom's been treating me. Eh, interesting conversation, to say the least.


Mm, so I had to drive the brother to work and Mother to different places for stuff. When we were heading south on King Road, some dude nearly drove into us. I had the right of way, and the guy was at a stop sign, at which you're supposed to wait for all oncoming traffic to pass. My car was halfway past that stop sign, and the guy drove. I braked. He didn't even look over at my car. He just kept going. Mother didn't see what happened, only felt the car brake suddenly, and yelled at me for my bad driving. I got defensive and told her it was the guy in front of me. She wanted me to chase his car -_- So I kinda did, but then I stopped at a red light.

Later, Mother tells me that it was my fault. I asked how that was so. Her reply: because I'm a weak driver. Other drivers can see that I'm a weak driver so they break the law and cut me off. I don't know how that makes sense when I was already driving past his car. Whatever, Mother wants to blame a lot of things on me this week. Fine, I'm trying not to argue. But I'm fuming. I don't think I can hold onto my anger and resentment much longer. I really do resent her or at least her implications.

I feel like Mother has no faith in me. She has even said so herself. Yet, she wants to put all the pressure on me. I hate that she changes her mind like that so easily. Yet, I hate that she doesn't adjust her mindset. She doesn't believe I will succeed, but she wants me to succeed. What's the point of wanting me to succeed if you're not going to believe in me?

Fuck this. I want out.


I seriously wonder why anyone would say there is always unconditional love. Love is usually conditional. Even in family. Some families, yeah, unconditional all the way. But my family, it feels so fragile. I mean, Mother and Brother threaten each other with abandonment when they're angry. If you really love someone, I don't think you should threaten them with the loss of love. That's like the ultimate pain.

Though, I often wish Mother would stop loving me, so I could leave without a guilty conscience. I can't leave people who act like they need me. I'd feel terrible. Hell, I feel terrible when I don't give change to a homeless person. Ugh, I hate this unwritten obligation to family. I didn't ask for this. I don't want this.

And yes, I am being ungrateful. That's just how I am.


Can you tell this is a really bad week for me?

I apologize if I offend you with anything I said. I know children are supposed to have filial obedience or respect or whatever. But like I've said before, true respect should be mutual. It shouldn't be a compromise. It shouldn't be demanded. It should be earned. Obviously, I haven't earned Mother's respect, and she's lost mine.


And life goes on...