My first hockey injury?

So I'm getting a little better at skating. Not much better, but there's progress.

Mike (instructor) talked to me a bit. Asked me how I was doing. I asked him if there was any way to avoid putting pressure on my left leg. He said no. He's got a knee problem too, but he deals with it. It's why he doesn't play anymore. Teaches instead.

Anyway, I guess I'm trying a lot harder now. Err well, I fall harder. I tried to pass a puck. I can't really stay in place for long. That's something to work on. I can pass pretty well, but I need to work on my stance. When I passed the puck the third or fourth time, I fell onto my side. Landed on my left elbow. Painful.

Now, my elbow won't stop hurting. I can't push with my left arm. Hurts too much :/ Guess this means I can't do push-ups for a while. I hope I didn't fracture something. I've never fractured or broken anything, and I don't want to start either.

My left side is just weak. Keeps getting injured. Whatever.

So the class will start scrimmaging in a few weeks. If I can't skate decently by then, I'll have to sit out :/ That won't be fun. So wish me luck with skating.

I can go forward. I still have a tiny bit of trouble lifting my left leg. But I don't need to grab for the wall as often as I used to. I can cross the ice, following the lines.


Anyway, I'm going to nap, watch a movie, or do homework. I'm tired, but I still have a lot of work to do. Ah, I need to stop stalling.

Game Night on Thursdays

I think I'll try to go every week. I need some regular fun. Two hours away from home with a bunch of queer folk. Good stuff.

I watched some folks play Rock Band. No one's a big singer :P I played some Brawl with Craig. Then we watched a group of people play Apples to Apples.

I talked mostly with Craig (big rock fan), Carlo F (flip cook), Matt C (cook's bf and QTIP treasurer), and Parker (nice thief). [That's the best I can do to describe people haha]

Man, two hours passes by really fast XP I wish I could have stayed a little longer. We were talking about MMORPGs haha.

Didn't really do too much tonight. But it was still enjoyable.


Tomorrow, I've got hockey. Fuunnn. Go home. Shower. Try to make contact with my dance partner. If I can't, I'm gonna have to find a new partner XP And I really really need to get started on my homework. Can't stall or anything. Got too much to put off this weekend. So not cool >_<

Now, I'm gonna go down a whole glass of juice and then go to sleep.

Hm, I'll try to make my next entry more exciting/interesting :P That's if I remember.

What a relatively nice day...

I mean it. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. But I think today was good mainly because I wasn't negative today. Few sad thoughts. I was upbeat for most of the day.

Had my first midterm this semester. Asian American Studies, where you don't study about Asians until the second semester. The midterm was ok. One long essay, three short essays, and ten multiple choice questions. I think I did ok. Maybe a C. Maybe. I didn't know what to expect. But I finished early. I don't know if that's a good sign or not. But hey, at least I left the class feeling confident enough.

In social dance, Oscar danced with a guy. Oooh. Haha it was just to show that anyone can be a leader or a follower, regardless of gender :) It was pretty fun to watch.

Then we learned a new move (forgot what it's officially called already). Basically a cross-body lead that ends in a free spin. I actually got it right most of the time. I messed up like five times, and that was it. So I was happy. The move seemed so complicated at first, but it's actually pretty simple. So yeah, that was cool.

My midterm partner didn't show up today. I tried calling her twice, but she never picked up or returned my calls. If I can't reach her tomorrow or Friday, we might not have enough time to practice for our midterm, which is on October 14th.

Damn, can you believe how fast September has passed? I feel like I only started this semester two weeks ago. I guess I'm actually enjoying myself, making friends and all.

Ooh, I forgot to show this guy in my dance class how to moonwalk haha. I suck at it, but I know the steps. Oh well, I'll show him on Monday or something XP

Anyway, I forgot to mention last week that the new gay and Asian club can't be called GPA because it was already registered as Q&A. Oh well.

Today, we had hella people in the small room. Ok, maybe not hella people. But a lot more than usual. Eight or nine people is typical. But today, we had about thirteen. Didn't have enough chairs haha. It was fun stuff though. Good discussion. Can't mention anything from it really because it's hush-hush haha. Nah, just respect, yo :P

But what I can say is that we are planning on having a movie night on October 14th, a Wednesday, at about 1900. I think it's going to be in Campus Village B. Going to watch "Saving Face." Love this movie :) This is going to be the fifth or sixth time I watch it. That's if I can go. My AAS essay is due the next day. Just means I gotta get it done hella early haha.

But anyway, yeah, anyone can come to the movie night.


Umm, what else? I don't remember much else from today. Oh, people like my Fierce-Nice hat and my NG shirt. Only Crystal N (from Q&A) knows who Wong Fu Productions is. I'm sure a few other Asian people knew where my shirt and hat were from. They gave me a knowing look, yep haha. I really like the hat. It's just f'n awesome. My shirt fits too closely. After I wash it, it might shrink too much >_< I hope not. This is why I don't like to buy medium. Always large or extra large, just in case stuff shrinks in the wash.


Hm, tomorrow, I have a physics midterm. Yay. And I know I've got some homework for the weekend. I think I might try to go to Game Night in the LGBT Resource Center tomorrow. 8-10 PM. I don't really wanna be at home. Wanna see if anyone got game haha :P I would probably lose at everything. I haven't played video games in sooo long now. Like, since two summers ago, I think. I'm not sure. How sad. And I think people play Wii now. I haven't played Wii much. More like I've played Wii once with a controller. I think I'd much rather sit back, watch, and laugh :P


Anyway, I should do more with my life. Or at least with my time. I'm so lazy. And tired. I need energy.

WST: Take One

So I took the Writing Skills Test today. Got to campus at 1030. There was already a long line to get into Dudley Moorhead Hall.

Anyway, we did the essay first (some topic about wishes). Forty-five minutes. I think I did ok. Though, as I was finishing my second example, a Disney movie called "Wish Upon a Star," I thought of an even better (or easier) example, another Disney movie called "Model Behavior." Too bad I didn't have enough time to add it in. Oh well. I hope my essay is decent enough XP

The second part of testing was also forty-five minutes. The multiple choice. Seventy-two questions. People were right when they told me that it's just too many questions in too little time. You basically read passages and answer questions. After answering the second question, I realized I had made a mistake. I went back to erase my answer. As I was erasing, my eraser fell off of my mechanical pencil, and the pieces of lead inside fell out. I wasted a minute getting all my lead back :( But hey, I managed to finish marking my last answer just as the timer went off. Literally. Not even exaggerating. I was excited when that happened haha. It was like, "Oh my god! I almost didn't finish!"

I hate leaving blank answers, just so you know. But I don't like just marking random answers either. So I try really hard to speed up my pace when I start running out of time. Luckily, I thought the last couple of questions were some of the easiest ones. Whew. Haha.

I can't believe this took so long. Two forty-five-minute parts. But I was on campus for three hours -__- So hot too. No AC because DMH is so old.

Anyway, I hope there will not be a "WST: Take Two" entry. Don't want to take the test again. If I'm lucky, I might even be able to waive my 100W class. Once I choose a major, of course.

I wish I could say "no more testing," but my midterms start this upcoming week. Great. Fun. Yeah.

Now, I wish my weekend would reward me. Pleeeaaase.

I'm not allowed to be a Good Samaritan

So I had to drive Mother around today.

When we were leaving CVS, a guy reversed into a shopping cart that had toppled over. So I ran over to pull the cart away from his car because I was really close and thought I should help. When I was running to the cart, Mother yelled out my name. I didn't know why, but I didn't stop. After the cart was out of the way, the guy thanked me and got back in his car.

Mother then yelled at me for helping him out. She called me a fuckin' idiot. In Vietnamese, of course. I'm not supposed to help people in public. I'm not even allowed to help someone who tripped or dropped their stuff. Why? Because they will sue me.

Fuck that. I'll help if I want to help. If people act like bitches about it, fuck it, whatever. Shit happens.

If that had been my car that hit the shopping cart, I would have liked to have someone help me out a little.

Man, people can be crappy in this world. We're so fucked if we can't trust people to appreciate our help. Yeah, I've heard the stories about people suing good samaritans for accidentally injuring them or something like that. But, c'mon, we can't go around ignoring people when they need some assistance just because we're scared. If you witness a major car accident, you should stop to help if you can. I would. My mom wouldn't. She's driven away from other people's car accidents before. She'd come home and tell me all about it. I never even bother to ask if she even called 911 for them or anything because I know she wouldn't.

Hah, and she's the one who complains about how our neighbors don't even talk to us or help us out. If everybody's got her attitude, how would anyone cooperate?

So, anyway, yeah, she bitched at me in the car. I was pissed because I thought she would be happy about me being thoughtful. Instead, I got called an idiot and a bunch of other shit I can't translate.

Then I had to go pick up my brother. Freeway line was long, so I thought I'd stick to the main roads. Wrong choice. As soon as I switched out of the long ass line, Mother bitches at me even more, again calling me a fuckin' idiot for leaving the long ass line. Traffic on the main roads is just as bad, so there was no point. How the fuck am I supposed to know? I don't drive in East Side all that often.

So, at that point, I couldn't handle it anymore and started crying. Of course, it was silent 'cause she would have bitched at me even more for being a little crying bitch. She made me do a U-turn and get on the freeway. And as soon as we're on the freeway, Brother calls and says that he has to work an extra shift so we don't need to pick him up anymore. Fuuck. I got bitched at for nothing.


I think I should find a good job and move the fuck out. I can't handle my family anymore. Seriously, I wish all these years with them could toughen me up and make me immune to anger. But I think they just made me weaker. I always feel like shit when they're around now. Always. I'm not even overstating anything. Every time they're around, I feel like crap, like I can't do shit right, like I'm not good enough.

When I'm around friends or strangers, I just feel inferior, and that's ok haha. When I'm around my mom or my brother, I feel like nothing, like I shouldn't be here.

I have a love-hate relationship with my family, and I don't think that's right. But like I said before, there is no such thing as unconditional love. Unfortunately, we're just too fucked up for that. Or I am, I don't know.

WTF Rally. I'm so tired..

So after the blog entry this morning, I IMed Maggie and asked her to text me saying "let's go study physics at the library now." I temporarily changed her name in my phonebook, so that my mom would believe me. I really needed to leave the house.

Mother dropped me off at the light rail station at 11. I went to SJSU with the intention of sitting on a bench, doing my homework, and maybe thinking about the early morning situation. Instead, I decided to check out the WTF Rally.

I was going to just stand and watch for a little bit. However, I ended up joining the march around campus and to the state building that is across the street from campus. I think the turnout was maybe 200-300 students. I can't really be sure. I ran into Mark (from AAS and the night dance classes). Stuck with him most of the time. I didn't really recognize anyone else, except for a few people from QTIP.

The chants were good. I was feeling better with every chant and shout. My favorite was "Hey hey. Ho ho. The budget cuts have got to go." One of the chants was too fast for me to keep up with. Ah, I wish I had kept the blue paper with the chants typed on them. I gave it to Mark. I still have the sticker that says "The CSU is the solution! Stop the Budget Cuts!" though; it's on my backpack.

When we ended at Tower Hall, a couple of people stood up front and shared their experiences with the budget cuts or spoke inspirational words about the fight. Brooke B was one of the first people up there, standing up for our generation and future generations.

The end of the rally included a bbq, but Mark and I went to the library to study. I got some reading done. Mark left before I did. I had to finish some stuff. Then I left at 1430.

Today was really hot, and I was wearing a lot of black. I was drenched in sweat. I hadn't planned on joining the march. I should have; I wouldn't have worn so much black and probably wouldn't have brought my backpack with me either. Oh well, next time, maybe.


This morning, I had intended to go to SJSU to sit and think/cry freely. But it didn't happen obviously. Now, I kinda wish I did sit and cry. Let it all out. Now, I'm home, and I can't do shit. All I can do is listen. Listen, listen, listen.

Why did I choose to go to campus? Well, I didn't know who I could go to. If I had someone to go to, I would have gone to them. But I don't, so school was the only place I could think of to go to. Next time, I'll just drive myself to a park or something. Just out of the house and away from the angry.


Now, I don't know what we're going to do about the bathroom wall. That's where the hole is. Every time my mom goes in there, she just gets angry all over again.

Anyway, I'm not sure if we could just do the usual newspaper and plaster thing because our houseowner is a handyman. He would know immediately if he saw it.

Not good. Though, I guess we can be relieved that Tony didn't throw his $250 phone.

And I don't know if things have cooled down between my mom and brother. My mom hadn't been home since I left. My brother's been sleeping and still is.

The way things happened this morning, I don't really know what's going to happen. Mother wanted him out of the house. Brother swore at her and told her to "shut the fuck up." You don't know how many times I've wanted to say that to the both of them. But of course I never do. Because I know it does more damage than anything else. Especially when no one here ever listens to anyone but him or herself.

You know what's missing in my house? It's not love. It's respect. No one has any respect for each other. We have "love," pity, regret, and maybe remorse. I know our mom doesn't respect either of us. Or she doesn't respect us enough. And don't you for a second believe parents shouldn't have to respect their children. Respect is mutual, reciprocal, give-and-take. How can you expect your kids to respect you if you don't reciprocate?

And I'm going to be honest. I haven't had much respect for my family since I was about 12. I remember. When I was twelve, things just got fucked up worse than they had been before. Preventable damage. But no one wants to admit it. They just want to blame each other, somebody, anybody.

And you know what? I'm usually never a part of the problem. The problem lies solely between my mom and my brother. I'm just a bystander, collateral damage. And I can't even take the shit that they say or do. And I know my family problems are little in comparison to other people's. But that just means if I can't handle this life, I don't know how I would survive any other crappy life.

I'm not a strong person. I can't deal with this shit, even if it's not my problem. I feel like I don't have what it takes to stand up and fix my family. Like fixing my family is even possible. They don't even want to acknowledge that anything needs fixing.

I wish, I wish, I wish... I could leave. No more conflict, no more anger, no more. I'm tired of dealing with this. I'm just tired.

Sometimes, I worry when my brother doesn't come home or call

I hate to admit it, but I worry as much as my mom does when Brother doesn't call or come home when he says he will. The silence, it could mean anything.

He could be oversleeping. He might not hear his phone, or the battery died. He could have lost his phone. He's in jail. He could be dead.

He has enough of the wrong kind of enemies for us to think it might be the last possibility. He has the stupidity too (i.e. drinking and driving).

He has a DUI class today at 10 AM. He went out last night, saying he'd be back in a few hours. Mother has called him so many times. She's worried, even though she shows it as anger rather than worry. She's cursing his name. She's calling people to talk and complain about him. It's her way of coping.

I tried calling his friend Stevie (the only name I know), but no one picked up.

He's usually not this late unless something really bad happened.

But when he shows up or calls later, Mother and I will be secretly relieved and then openly aggravated. Relieved because he's ok. Aggravated because we'll have to rush him to his class. Miss a class, you get jail time.


He finally picked up his phone. Picking him up now.


Edit: 0920. Home again. First thing she does is yell. I think I might go to the WTF Rally after all. Go protest the budget cuts. I'd rather go hear people complain about money than my mom complaining about Tony's fucked-up life. Why do I have to hear this shit? It has nothing to do with me.

There goes the punch to the wall. Thank you, Mother and Brother. So much fuckin' anger >_< Someone get me outta here, please. She wants him out. He wants out. Why aren't things working out?

There's no love. No love at all. There was, but it changed into something else. Many different somethings else.

They need counseling..

Why do only my socks disappear?

My mom and brother never lose their socks. Mine seem to go missing at least once a month. And I don't have many pairs of socks.

Currently, my latest absent sock has been missing for about a week now. I know it went in the washing machine. However, I didn't witness its transfer to the dryer. Somewhere in between washing and drying, it just disappeared. I'm worried. I've never had a sock go missing this long before. Two days, tops. Usually found clinging to the inside of the washing machine or inside a pant leg.

I've checked the machines and my clothes. No sign of the sock anywhere.

I have come to two possible but discouraging conclusions: One, my sock ran away. Two, it has been taken. Either way, it is gone out of my life. I'm actually quite sad about it. I have a sock that is missing its partner :( A lonely sock. I may have to discard it. But if I do and then the missing sock is found, then the situation is no better.

What a dilemma.


Seriously, I am irked by this mystery. I want my sock back.

Maybe I should have started riding my bike to school

So Mother just drove me and D downtown so that I could show her where to pick me up at school. Preparing for Thursday 'cause she's got an eye surgery at 1230.

On our way to D's place, we stopped somewhere to do something. I dunno what. But when we got back in the Avalon, it wouldn't start. It made a rapid clicking sound.

Called a tow truck. Called the body shop. *insert complex driving and car-switching patterns here*

At the shop, we found out that the battery died. Though, that doesn't really explain the clicking sound to me. Once the battery got some juice, we found out something else was wrong. And the idle rpm was too low.

So we have to leave the Avalon at the shop until tomorrow.

This is kinda good news because it means Mother has to drive the new car. But it sucks because we gotta spend more money. I don't know how we're gonna afford all this.

I suggested that we just fix whatever we can on the Avalon and don't drive it as much as we used to. I can just ride my bike to the light rail station and to campus from the light rail stop. Not that hard. I just need a bike lock and a key to the bike cages.

Man, I could get some good exercise this way haha.

Nice is never out of style

The black limited edition of ^that shirt is sold out :( So this morning, I ordered the original Nice Girl shirt and the Fierce-Nice hat (Finally!). I'm so happy. Finally buying my Wong Fu stuff (You knew I was talking about WF Productions, yeah? Yeaah). I'm just sad I couldn't get the Nice is Never Out of Style shirt. There's another one, but it's gray and I don't like the design as much. Oh well, I got the original NG shirt (in medium because large is sold out, grr) and the hat, so it's all good.

Can't wait for them to arrive :D I can switch between hats, yay.


Hmm, so how would you feel if your family told you that you're not beautiful/handsome? My family told me that I'm not beautiful or attractive, but I am cute/adorable. If I hadn't come to that conclusion myself years ago, I think I would have been insulted and disappointed.

Of course, you as a friend would say that I am beautiful. But if you were to be objective about my looks (oh, the irony of that, objectivity about aesthetics), you too would say that I am not beautiful or pretty or even attractive. I've got the geeky look going for me. Not the hot geek look though haha. But you know that's cool with me.

I've known since I was little that I wasn't the kinda pretty that others would fall for. At first, that realization made me want to cry. I thought that meant I would never be in love or something because only pretty people fall in love :P Ugly people don't get to find love.

However, I don't see myself as ugly. I know I'm just ok-looking. I mean, I guess I could wow people if I put on some makeup, as evidenced in my senior portrait :P But other than that, I know I'm all right. I don't repel people. So that's good.

There was a point to this topic. I guess what I was thinking was I know that my looks aren't what's affecting my non-existent love life haha. I feel like sometimes that's what I focus on, even though I know it's not true. I've kinda come to the conclusion that people aren't attracted to me mostly because I'm too nice (or so I've been told).


So anyway, I think you already know (or have just figured out) why I love the "Just a Nice Guy" videos. Just because I can really relate. Haha I just gotta be patient now and wait for the right one to come along. No need for loneliness anyway. I got you guys :)

QTIP BBQ

So today, I went to the QTIP BBQ. Picked up Maggie from Dan's at 1230. Got to SJSU around 1250.

Not many people arrived yet. Maggie said hi to Steven P, whom she hadn't seen in a while. Stood around waiting for people to bring lighter fluid. Talked to Carlo F and Steven P a bit. Gave Matt C ten bucks as a donation to the club.

I talked to Maggie mostly because I'm lame like that haha. Too shy to talk to new people.

Around 1400, I drove Maggie back to Dan's and headed back to SJSU. I was not going to go home early. I was determined to talk to new people.

It was about 1420 when I got back to the BBQ. A lot of people showed up. They were already eating when I got there. Hamburgers, boca burgers, turkey burgers.

I ended up talking to two people the most: Cristina(?) and Craig(?). I may have misheard their names. I'm not sure. What I am sure of is our conversation was really interesting haha. Lot of random shizz, ranging from music to Shakespeare to gay stuff :P

Stayed and talk till 1610, after most people had already left (at like 1530).

Anyway, yeah, today was cool. Errr well, really hot but it was good for me. Yay, I officially made new friends. Woot woot. New friends who plan to kidnap me on November 18 so that I can live life haha. I'm sooo deprived of life.

But yeah, today was fun. New, good friends. I won't be so alone anymore haha. Yay for gay. I'm gonna have more than just a few gay friends :) I dunno, it just feels a little easier that way. People to talk to. People who have experienced things. People who can relate. I would like to have at least a new small network of close friends. My old network of friends isn't as strong as it used to be because we're all at different schools and we're all making new friends and lives.

It really is difficult to maintain your friendships from middle school and high school because you split up. You don't see everyone every day. But I hope, I hope, I hope that I will still have at least four good friends from high school by the time our ten- or twenty-year high school reunion comes around.

For now, I need to make new friends. I need to stop shutting out new people haha. It's something to work on. As difficult and personal-bubble-popping as that is, I will put myself out there for people to see. Slowly. I really want to have more friends that I can treat like family. It would be nice. And comforting.


Ah, wow, I am tired. But I gotta drive the brother to work. Downtown. Again. I've already driven to downtown twice today. Now, I have to drive there one more time. And possibly another time later tonight. Too much driving >_<>

One foot at a time, or one knee at a time

So I had hockey today. And I stayed on the ice the whole class period this time. But I still didn't participate in the instructor's activities.

I was still trying to stand and move forward. Still falling. A few of my female classmates helped me a little. I forgot to ask for their names, but at least I didn't forget to thank them XP Spent the whole time trying to move forward.

So things I've realized/figured/learned:
I should either stop wearing glasses or learn how to skate with foggy glasses (either way, I'm blind).
I need to keep my feet under me.
I need to bend my knees more.
I am now pro at getting up after falling down :P
I turn right a lot.
I need to work on my left leg (it explains why I keep turning right and falling).

You already know about my back and knee problems. So yeah, my back and knee hurt because I had to bend my knees and keep the position to skate.

At one point, I fell on my lower back. That was way painful. I couldn't get up immediately.

The reason I keep falling and turning right is because my left leg doesn't stay under me. If I try to stand still or even kick off a little, my left leg moves outward. I can't seem to make it go straight. My right leg is fine. I can stand and glide on my right leg pretty well. But as soon as I shift my weight to my left leg, my leg just decides to go to the left -_-

So yeah, I need to strengthen my left leg. Haha I was crying from the pain in my leg (and back). I had to stop so many times, so that my knee would stop feeling like it would pop out (reminds me of Franny). I'd stop, lean to my right, and kick with my left foot until the pain subsided. Then I'd go again. Back and forth at one end of the rink. Then I'd realize that whenever I kick with my left foot (to glide on my right), I don't lose my balance until I realize that my left leg doesn't want to lift up off the ice to go past my right foot. So basically, my left leg stays behind me until I start turning right. I need to figure out how to make my leg just move and not get stuck.

I think it was easier for me to learn how to skate when I was little because I didn't have any back or joint problems yet. Pressure points in my leg were lacking haha. Seriously though, I didn't think my knee would be such a problem for hockey -_- You know what? It's not a problem. It's an extra obstacle in the way of my learning how to skate. I'll work on it at my pace.

And, you know, you would think that the instructors would come over and help me a little. I mean, they said we didn't need skating experience. Wouldn't that mean they would, I dunno, teach those who don't know? Just some basic advice? Instead, a few of my awesome classmates helped me out. Of course, they can't help me out for long because they gotta participate in the activities.

I dunno. I'm just glad I can't fail this class. You don't even need to show up until finals. But of course, that would be a waste of $100 or $150. And, you know, I'm fuckin' poor; I'm not letting money go to waste. So who knows? Maybe I'll just spend this entire semester learning how to skate better haha. My instructors honestly don't care. They're just teaching those who can keep up.

Man, I should have gone ice skating over the summer, but noo I had to forget. Anyway, I wish the rink was colder. Maybe I wouldn't feel any pain, and it would be easier to just push on.

Anyone know how I can make my left leg stronger? I seriously can't put much weight on it. I can skate. I know I can. I've done it before. It's just this fuckin' leg won't... stay on course. Aahh, patience, patience. I'll get this.

Anyway, I think I need to go lie down, so my spine won't be so grr haha. And I still think I want someone to go to the rink with me and help me stabilize haha.