It's not in my blood.
I wonder how much money my family would have saved over the years if Mother wasn't religious or superstitious. I think it would be well into the thousands. Add in all the money she has spent on clothes, accessories, and jewelry she didn't need. Plus other unnecessary, aesthetic-related things. We would have had tens of thousands to spend on food, rent, and maybe even a family vacation here and there.
I know I'm not innocent either. I've spent money on things I didn't need. Movies, concerts, dance clubs, expensive food, Anime Expo, mini trips to other cities in California, random knickknacks that I ended up giving/throwing away years later, books that I read once. Mainly food that I don't need to eat.
The difference between Mother and me is that I know I waste money on things I don't need, so I try to cut back. She won't acknowledge that she's spent so much money on unnecessary things because she wanted to have the perfect image. Instead of spending that money on things we needed like a car or insurance or bills. And she always blamed someone else for the debt. I mean, yeah, Brother has given us debt. But so has Mother. But she won't take responsibility. It's always "But I needed that." Who needs jewelry to live? Who needs expensive clothing or accessories that are only worn once or twice? Why spend money on things you don't want to use because you're afraid people will think you're rich and rob you?
I want to move out and make my own living. So I can spend my money the way I want to spend it. Just so I know and I can prove that I'm not like Mother and Brother. I'm not gonna be buying new toys and accessories every other week. I don't need that stuff. It's so much clutter =___= And that's just annoying.
If I had a say in what to keep or throw out of this house, we would probably have less than half the things we currently own. Alas, I don't; so all this clutter is just going to annoy me until I move out. All this clutter will continue to be a reminder of how wasteful of our money we are. We can't save anything. We used to save a lot. I don't know what happened.
So annoyed.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Inferiors vs. Superiors
This morning, I had a long, complex... not really a nightmare... more of a very depressing dream. Although, it did have elements of a nightmare. I woke up a little scared and fearful for my life, until I realized I had woken up from a dream.
So where to start? Well, before I start describing the dream, I'm just gonna say the only movie I've watched within the past two or three weeks was "The Raid: Redemption." I've mostly been watching Friends. (Season 6, here I go!) So you would think my dreams would be filled with hilarity. But, apparently, they are not.
Also, my dream jumped around in time, and some details are those that I knew before the events of the dream occur. So my description of the dream is what I've put together from the pieces I remember.
Dream background:
Most of the people in my dream were friends from college or strangers in real life. There were a few hundred of us. We were all experiments, living in a confined space designed to look like a neighborhood of a big urban city. If anything, it reminded me of the neighborhood of "Hey Arnold!" It was a relatively small place; it could have been about forty square blocks with a large park in there. The perimeter was some four-sided invisible force field controlled by the scientists from the outside.
The experiment consisted of us all being injected with a genetic code modifier <.< Then we were to be observed by omniscient forces--scientists in zeppelins, scientists in helicopters, scientists through mounted cameras, and scientists manipulating the force field--to see how the modifier affected us. The experiment was only supposed to last about a year but ended up lasting much longer.
So the modifier changed all of us. The changes were solely in our intellectual and physical strengths. For some people, they gained a moderate increase in intelligence and a super increase in physical ability; for the rest, it was the opposite. The first group was more numerous. But there are no visible differences between us.
At the beginning of the experiment, we all got along. The scientists eventually figured out there were two groups. They scanned the modifiers in our arms to find out what changed in each of us. They labeled the super intellectuals simply as the A group, and the rest as the B group. We had police officers who were members of both groups, using what looked like AK-47s. They didn't use the guns though because it wasn't necessary. Everything seemed fine.
The only way we could know which group a person was a part of was if he or she told us. Initially, we didn't tell each other because we didn't know. The scientists didn't say anything. Eventually, though, the A group figured it out and told the rest of us.
Skip ahead in time a few years...
I was an "Inferior," a part of the original B group. The A group became known as the "Superiors."These were the names given to us by the Superiors. The Superiors had run the scientists out of the experiment. They gained control of the force field, keeping everyone else out. However, we the experiments couldn't leave because the modifiers in our arms could not pass through the force field. But if the force field was turned off, the modifiers would stop working with them. And the Superiors didn't want to lose their super intelligence. That's why they settled for gaining control of the field.
The Inferiors lived all around the tiny city, which was more like a town. Most Superiors lived in an area of the town that was guarded by some police. The police were all Superiors. The police lived all around to make it easier to enforce the rules.
It turned out that the role of police officers used to switch every so often, so that everyone got a chance to play that role. However, the Superiors came up with a plan to keep those positions. Why? Because there were a limited number of guns, thus a limited number of officers. With those positions, they got the guns, which they needed since their physical capabilities weren't as good as ours.
Actual dream events that I "experienced":
Superiors and Inferiors go into all the same places, but we're not allowed to interact with the Superiors. Fraternizing was against the rules. So when an officer saw a Superior and an Inferior talking to each other, he attacked the Inferior while the Superior walked away. I stood there and watched. I was upset and sad because I thought, "Well, he got caught breaking the rule, so he has to be punished."
At another point, I was walking in the park. Two officers walked up to me and asked me if I was an Inferior or a Superior. I told them I was an Inferior, and they started to beat me with their guns. I ran away from them, and they chased me. Don't remember what happened after that.
I was living with Matt and Mackenzie. Matt was an Inferior, but Mackenzie was a Superior. We were all friends before the experiment, so Mac decided to stay as our friend and protect us during the sweeps. She could convince her fellow Superiors that she lived alone.
Sweeps started happening because the Superiors decided they should wipe out the Inferiors before the Inferiors decided to do that to the Superiors. So every day, a group of officers would sweep a section of the town to find Inferiors to kill off.
But since Superiors and Inferiors went to the same places, the only way to know who was what was to scan their arms. So people who refused to be scanned were killed because the officers assumed only the Inferiors would refuse to be scanned.
So it was basically a massacre. The Superiors had the guns. Inferiors only had our physical strengths, but we couldn't reach them. I remember at some point, the scientists flew an airplane over our town and dropped hundreds of boxes of food into a predominantly Inferior-inhabited area. My friends and I ran to the boxes to stuff candy and junk food into a box, while the Superiors shot at me and my friends. Then we ran away and hid in our well-hidden basements.
We didn't fight back at all. We only ran away, cowered, or stood there. Any way you look at it, we just took the assaults. Pacifist people with super strength... sneaking around to avoid being killed. Violent people with super intelligence picking us off slowly. They knew how to find us! We couldn't outsmart them unless we had Superiors as friends who could help us.
Not too much action in my dream, but I witnessed a lot of friends being killed D: What stands out most from my dream was the knowledge I had of what had been happening. The dream events themselves are very fuzzy in my mind.
Like I remember more about the rules than I do about the enforcement of the rules. And in dreamland, the rules made sense to me.
One rule was the no-fraternizing thing. If there was any, only the Inferior was punished. The Superior would just be looked down upon or something. Oh, another rule was Inferiors are never allowed to hurt Superiors. If they did, Superiors were allowed to retaliate and kill them. The reasoning that Superiors gave was that Inferiors had an unfair advantage in the strength department. And for some reason, Inferiors agreed to that rule and never contested it.
Along with the no-fraternizing, no sexual relations. Except people did it anyway. Funny thing was if an Inferior-Superior couple had a child, the child would naturally be born into one of the two groups. No combination of both. Also, no modifier. So, technically, the baby could leave the town if the force field were opened. Except in my dream, no babies ever left.
I don't know what the heck was going on in my head while I was sleeping. All I remember feeling was sad and scared. The last thing I remember before waking up was hoarding the food, hiding, and then being found by someone... I don't know who found me.
I know my description of my dream isn't that great. I'm forgetting more and more of it as I write. I know that when I woke up, I felt like it was one of the most intense dreams I had ever had. I felt like I was gonna die by the hands of the people who were once my friends and fellow experiments.
Rawr. I wish I could remember all of it.
I told Mother and D about a part of my dream, and they said I'd been watching too many movies. But I haven't! -w-
Though, this could be a movie. Generic plotline, but awesome haha. If only I were a writer.
Oh, this kinda reminds me of the Stanford Prison Experiment... Huh.
Oh oh! This is also the first dream I've remembered in two or three months, I think. Yay! Even though, it was not a happy dream. At least I remembered a dream.
So where to start? Well, before I start describing the dream, I'm just gonna say the only movie I've watched within the past two or three weeks was "The Raid: Redemption." I've mostly been watching Friends. (Season 6, here I go!) So you would think my dreams would be filled with hilarity. But, apparently, they are not.
Also, my dream jumped around in time, and some details are those that I knew before the events of the dream occur. So my description of the dream is what I've put together from the pieces I remember.
Dream background:
Most of the people in my dream were friends from college or strangers in real life. There were a few hundred of us. We were all experiments, living in a confined space designed to look like a neighborhood of a big urban city. If anything, it reminded me of the neighborhood of "Hey Arnold!" It was a relatively small place; it could have been about forty square blocks with a large park in there. The perimeter was some four-sided invisible force field controlled by the scientists from the outside.
The experiment consisted of us all being injected with a genetic code modifier <.< Then we were to be observed by omniscient forces--scientists in zeppelins, scientists in helicopters, scientists through mounted cameras, and scientists manipulating the force field--to see how the modifier affected us. The experiment was only supposed to last about a year but ended up lasting much longer.
So the modifier changed all of us. The changes were solely in our intellectual and physical strengths. For some people, they gained a moderate increase in intelligence and a super increase in physical ability; for the rest, it was the opposite. The first group was more numerous. But there are no visible differences between us.
At the beginning of the experiment, we all got along. The scientists eventually figured out there were two groups. They scanned the modifiers in our arms to find out what changed in each of us. They labeled the super intellectuals simply as the A group, and the rest as the B group. We had police officers who were members of both groups, using what looked like AK-47s. They didn't use the guns though because it wasn't necessary. Everything seemed fine.
The only way we could know which group a person was a part of was if he or she told us. Initially, we didn't tell each other because we didn't know. The scientists didn't say anything. Eventually, though, the A group figured it out and told the rest of us.
Skip ahead in time a few years...
I was an "Inferior," a part of the original B group. The A group became known as the "Superiors."These were the names given to us by the Superiors. The Superiors had run the scientists out of the experiment. They gained control of the force field, keeping everyone else out. However, we the experiments couldn't leave because the modifiers in our arms could not pass through the force field. But if the force field was turned off, the modifiers would stop working with them. And the Superiors didn't want to lose their super intelligence. That's why they settled for gaining control of the field.
The Inferiors lived all around the tiny city, which was more like a town. Most Superiors lived in an area of the town that was guarded by some police. The police were all Superiors. The police lived all around to make it easier to enforce the rules.
It turned out that the role of police officers used to switch every so often, so that everyone got a chance to play that role. However, the Superiors came up with a plan to keep those positions. Why? Because there were a limited number of guns, thus a limited number of officers. With those positions, they got the guns, which they needed since their physical capabilities weren't as good as ours.
Actual dream events that I "experienced":
Superiors and Inferiors go into all the same places, but we're not allowed to interact with the Superiors. Fraternizing was against the rules. So when an officer saw a Superior and an Inferior talking to each other, he attacked the Inferior while the Superior walked away. I stood there and watched. I was upset and sad because I thought, "Well, he got caught breaking the rule, so he has to be punished."
At another point, I was walking in the park. Two officers walked up to me and asked me if I was an Inferior or a Superior. I told them I was an Inferior, and they started to beat me with their guns. I ran away from them, and they chased me. Don't remember what happened after that.
I was living with Matt and Mackenzie. Matt was an Inferior, but Mackenzie was a Superior. We were all friends before the experiment, so Mac decided to stay as our friend and protect us during the sweeps. She could convince her fellow Superiors that she lived alone.
Sweeps started happening because the Superiors decided they should wipe out the Inferiors before the Inferiors decided to do that to the Superiors. So every day, a group of officers would sweep a section of the town to find Inferiors to kill off.
But since Superiors and Inferiors went to the same places, the only way to know who was what was to scan their arms. So people who refused to be scanned were killed because the officers assumed only the Inferiors would refuse to be scanned.
So it was basically a massacre. The Superiors had the guns. Inferiors only had our physical strengths, but we couldn't reach them. I remember at some point, the scientists flew an airplane over our town and dropped hundreds of boxes of food into a predominantly Inferior-inhabited area. My friends and I ran to the boxes to stuff candy and junk food into a box, while the Superiors shot at me and my friends. Then we ran away and hid in our well-hidden basements.
We didn't fight back at all. We only ran away, cowered, or stood there. Any way you look at it, we just took the assaults. Pacifist people with super strength... sneaking around to avoid being killed. Violent people with super intelligence picking us off slowly. They knew how to find us! We couldn't outsmart them unless we had Superiors as friends who could help us.
Not too much action in my dream, but I witnessed a lot of friends being killed D: What stands out most from my dream was the knowledge I had of what had been happening. The dream events themselves are very fuzzy in my mind.
Like I remember more about the rules than I do about the enforcement of the rules. And in dreamland, the rules made sense to me.
One rule was the no-fraternizing thing. If there was any, only the Inferior was punished. The Superior would just be looked down upon or something. Oh, another rule was Inferiors are never allowed to hurt Superiors. If they did, Superiors were allowed to retaliate and kill them. The reasoning that Superiors gave was that Inferiors had an unfair advantage in the strength department. And for some reason, Inferiors agreed to that rule and never contested it.
Along with the no-fraternizing, no sexual relations. Except people did it anyway. Funny thing was if an Inferior-Superior couple had a child, the child would naturally be born into one of the two groups. No combination of both. Also, no modifier. So, technically, the baby could leave the town if the force field were opened. Except in my dream, no babies ever left.
I don't know what the heck was going on in my head while I was sleeping. All I remember feeling was sad and scared. The last thing I remember before waking up was hoarding the food, hiding, and then being found by someone... I don't know who found me.
I know my description of my dream isn't that great. I'm forgetting more and more of it as I write. I know that when I woke up, I felt like it was one of the most intense dreams I had ever had. I felt like I was gonna die by the hands of the people who were once my friends and fellow experiments.
Rawr. I wish I could remember all of it.
I told Mother and D about a part of my dream, and they said I'd been watching too many movies. But I haven't! -w-
Though, this could be a movie. Generic plotline, but awesome haha. If only I were a writer.
Oh, this kinda reminds me of the Stanford Prison Experiment... Huh.
Oh oh! This is also the first dream I've remembered in two or three months, I think. Yay! Even though, it was not a happy dream. At least I remembered a dream.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
RIP Milton Lopez
I just found out another one of my best friends from my childhood passed away back in July 2012 ): He was 93 and diabetic; so I knew it would happen, but it still hurts a little. He was another friend that I had been meaning to see again after so many years. Another friend that I didn't get to talk to one last time.
For the past two years, Mother and I had been constantly reminding each other that we need to find his address and go visit him sometime. But today, she found out from a former neighbor of ours that Milton passed. That neighbor didn't even find out until recently as well.
I just feel really sad now. I've been wanting to talk to him again. There's not even a grave for me to visit because he was cremated.
I think I was still in high school the last time I saw him. And he still had both of his legs. Mother told me he lost his legs a few years ago because of the diabetes. She had visited him two or three years ago, and he had asked her to bring Brother and me with her the next time she came to visit. Except Mother lost his address, so we had to postpone the visit until we ran into a friend who would know his address. But we never ran into anyone who did.
Milton, you were a wonderful, loving person. Very thoughtful, very generous. I wish I could have gotten one more hug from you. Rest in peace, Milton. I love you, and I'll always remember and appreciate the things you did for my family.
I know people come and go for many different reasons, but it never gets easier to let people go. And it just makes me think that eventually we have to let go of everyone in our lives because everyone dies. I don't want to lose anyone. I just wanna grab hold and hang on.
Life goes on, and you go on with it.
Oh man, all the sadness and frustration ;-; I can't handle this.
For the past two years, Mother and I had been constantly reminding each other that we need to find his address and go visit him sometime. But today, she found out from a former neighbor of ours that Milton passed. That neighbor didn't even find out until recently as well.
I just feel really sad now. I've been wanting to talk to him again. There's not even a grave for me to visit because he was cremated.
I think I was still in high school the last time I saw him. And he still had both of his legs. Mother told me he lost his legs a few years ago because of the diabetes. She had visited him two or three years ago, and he had asked her to bring Brother and me with her the next time she came to visit. Except Mother lost his address, so we had to postpone the visit until we ran into a friend who would know his address. But we never ran into anyone who did.
Milton, you were a wonderful, loving person. Very thoughtful, very generous. I wish I could have gotten one more hug from you. Rest in peace, Milton. I love you, and I'll always remember and appreciate the things you did for my family.
I know people come and go for many different reasons, but it never gets easier to let people go. And it just makes me think that eventually we have to let go of everyone in our lives because everyone dies. I don't want to lose anyone. I just wanna grab hold and hang on.
Life goes on, and you go on with it.
Oh man, all the sadness and frustration ;-; I can't handle this.
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Obsessive cleaning and reorganizing.
Is it obsessive?
I've spent a significant portion of each day for the past five(?) days, meticulously going through my things to clean and to recycle. Every day, I manage to rid myself of at least a small trash bin of items. I put the rest of my things back into the various boxes. It takes me at least an hour to do all of this.
I go through each thing, and I think about why I want to keep it. Usually, it is some sort of souvenir from my past, mainly from my academic career, my time with Shiva, and my trips to AX. I debate about... well, I dunno what I debate about. It's more of a feeling about whether I would like to keep the item or not. It is difficult because I am attached to my souvenirs. I used to look at them all the time to remember parts of my past. But they add to the clutter of things that I don't need. I try to tell myself to keep things that I may need in the future or which remind me of important parts of my life. When I'm satisfied, I put all my things back into their respective boxes and place the boxes back in my dresser.
Fifteen minutes later, the boxes are back out, and I'm pondering the same thoughts again. Occasionally, I manage to choose one or two more things to recycle. Usually old high school assignments. Then I pack the boxes away. Then I take them out again. Then away, and then out. I've repeated this process probably twenty or thirty times in the past couple of days. Every time I feel satisfied and put everything away, I start thinking about that one thing or other that I really don't need but kept anyway. Then I take everything out, look at that one thing, wonder about it, make a decision, and then do the same for everything else.
Lately, when I go to bed, my mind is plagued with thoughts about the things that I don't need. I start making a mental list of things that I should get rid of when I wake up. But the boxes-out, boxes-in cycle repeats itself. I have small boxes of things I want. But it bothers me that I have so much clutter. I'm pretty sure that eventually I will get rid of most of the stuff I've kept. It's just a matter of time and a matter of me letting go.
I don't know why I hang on to some of the stuff I have. They are so trivial. So unimportant to me, but I want to keep them. Examples would be report cards, Principal's Award certificates, Honor Roll certificates, and standardized test scores. These things mean very little to me, but I can't throw them out just yet. Why do I keep these things? I look at these things, and I feel nothing about them. I don't feel proud or anything like that. They're just pieces of paper that prove my teachers liked me back in junior high and high school, I knew how to please my teachers, some teachers played favorites, and I knew how to take a test. Other than that, these papers show very little about me. They don't help me remember much of who I was, other than being some supposedly smart kid.
And trust me; I read some of my old writing before I threw most of it out; I don't know how I got A's and B's on half the stuff I wrote. I think the only teacher who ever gave me grades that I agreed with was Mohr. B's, C's, and D's. I may have gotten an F once, but I'm not sure if I'm misremembering that. So I'll just say a D was the lowest grade I've ever gotten in Mohr's class or in school really. Her class made me feel like shit, and I didn't try harder. In fact, I stopped trying hard, especially in her class. That explains why I got a C on my final individual project, comparing myself to Nick Carraway. I think I really only passed her class because my classmates were lenient when grading my stuff and my final group project was with a bunch of my very smart and dedicated friends. Anyway, sorry, this was a tangent...
I think I want to hang on to these papers because I want someone else to see them. Someone important in my life. I just want to share the trivia of my life with someone important to me. Just to have someone who's seen this part of me that I don't care about, just so he or she knows that there was this part of my life that used to feel so important but isn't anymore. Recognition and adults who were proud of me. Just see that. Then I can throw it all away. And not look back at it and feel nothing.
I don't know if this makes sense. I just have letting-go issues haha.
But yeah, I'm slowly getting rid of things. I don't remember half the things I've recycled already. I've been told I might regret throwing things away. But it's ok. I'm more afraid that I'll try to keep all of these things close, and they'll be taken away from me for good. At least, this way, it's my choice to lose these things.
Besides, it's so much clutter! I'm hoping to whittle down my possessions enough so that they all fit into one or two boxes. Now, I've got a small box of books, a bigger box of school stuff, a shoebox of knickknacks and souvenirs, and a cookie tin of random haha. I've still got other things that are not in boxes, but they're mainly photo albums, yearbooks, Sudoku books, and a couple of things I'd rather give away or sell than recycle.
I also can't forget that I have things that won't fit in conventional moving boxes. I've got a reverse blade; no idea what I will do with it. It's a nice souvenir from AX haha. I've also got a hockey stick; pretty good for self-defense :P Also for hockey if I ever play again. I've got bad artwork from a summer art class I took years ago.
I'm liking the space that I've made in my dresser. Once I get rid of some more stuff and give away or sell a few items, I think I'll feel much better about the stuff I'm keeping. Living with as few things as possible would be great. A change from the lifestyle I've had, living with Mother and Brother.
Honestly, I think once I move out, take all my things with me, and share them with someone other than myself, I'll be at ease. I won't obsess so much about reorganizing my stuff. I can share all these souvenirs that my family hasn't even really seen. I think I really just want someone to see the things I've kept to myself all these years, to see the things that I've treasured for some reason.
Souvenirs, reminders, keepsakes. They all remind me of some part of my life. Some event. Some transition. Some person. Something in my life. I feel like I'd forget them without the souvenirs. Except, every time I look through my things, there's something there that never reminded me of anything or no longer reminds me. I look at it, and I try to remember. But I can't. But if it's there, I know it's important, or at least it was. So why can't I remember it? At this point, I decide either to toss it out because it doesn't remind me anymore or to keep it in the hopes that I will remember again. I usually don't remember it again. So now I usually decide to toss it.
It just makes me unhappy to keep all these things that don't remind me of anything. As for the things that still remind me, I'm afraid one day they'll stop. I'm not ready for that.
Anyway, tomorrow, I'll probably take everything out and go through it all once more. I don't know exactly when I'll be satisfied and stop. Maybe I won't stop until I feel annoyed that there's nothing left to get rid of. Or maybe I really do just need to sort through my things with someone significant, and I'll be satisfied then. I dunno. We'll see what happens.
Before I forget, because I probably will, I need to list all the things I plan to give away or sell: flashlight/UV light, Long Day's Journey into Night, The Importance of Being Earnest, The Lovely Bones, TI-83 Plus, The All-American Rejects' self-titled album, and Muse's Absolution album.
If you or anyone you know would like any of these things, please let me know. Otherwise, I don't really know to whom I should give or sell them yet.
Woo! So much blather lately. I'm sorry. I'm hoping my next entry will be more... Interesting? Different?
I've spent a significant portion of each day for the past five(?) days, meticulously going through my things to clean and to recycle. Every day, I manage to rid myself of at least a small trash bin of items. I put the rest of my things back into the various boxes. It takes me at least an hour to do all of this.
I go through each thing, and I think about why I want to keep it. Usually, it is some sort of souvenir from my past, mainly from my academic career, my time with Shiva, and my trips to AX. I debate about... well, I dunno what I debate about. It's more of a feeling about whether I would like to keep the item or not. It is difficult because I am attached to my souvenirs. I used to look at them all the time to remember parts of my past. But they add to the clutter of things that I don't need. I try to tell myself to keep things that I may need in the future or which remind me of important parts of my life. When I'm satisfied, I put all my things back into their respective boxes and place the boxes back in my dresser.
Fifteen minutes later, the boxes are back out, and I'm pondering the same thoughts again. Occasionally, I manage to choose one or two more things to recycle. Usually old high school assignments. Then I pack the boxes away. Then I take them out again. Then away, and then out. I've repeated this process probably twenty or thirty times in the past couple of days. Every time I feel satisfied and put everything away, I start thinking about that one thing or other that I really don't need but kept anyway. Then I take everything out, look at that one thing, wonder about it, make a decision, and then do the same for everything else.
Lately, when I go to bed, my mind is plagued with thoughts about the things that I don't need. I start making a mental list of things that I should get rid of when I wake up. But the boxes-out, boxes-in cycle repeats itself. I have small boxes of things I want. But it bothers me that I have so much clutter. I'm pretty sure that eventually I will get rid of most of the stuff I've kept. It's just a matter of time and a matter of me letting go.
I don't know why I hang on to some of the stuff I have. They are so trivial. So unimportant to me, but I want to keep them. Examples would be report cards, Principal's Award certificates, Honor Roll certificates, and standardized test scores. These things mean very little to me, but I can't throw them out just yet. Why do I keep these things? I look at these things, and I feel nothing about them. I don't feel proud or anything like that. They're just pieces of paper that prove my teachers liked me back in junior high and high school, I knew how to please my teachers, some teachers played favorites, and I knew how to take a test. Other than that, these papers show very little about me. They don't help me remember much of who I was, other than being some supposedly smart kid.
And trust me; I read some of my old writing before I threw most of it out; I don't know how I got A's and B's on half the stuff I wrote. I think the only teacher who ever gave me grades that I agreed with was Mohr. B's, C's, and D's. I may have gotten an F once, but I'm not sure if I'm misremembering that. So I'll just say a D was the lowest grade I've ever gotten in Mohr's class or in school really. Her class made me feel like shit, and I didn't try harder. In fact, I stopped trying hard, especially in her class. That explains why I got a C on my final individual project, comparing myself to Nick Carraway. I think I really only passed her class because my classmates were lenient when grading my stuff and my final group project was with a bunch of my very smart and dedicated friends. Anyway, sorry, this was a tangent...
I think I want to hang on to these papers because I want someone else to see them. Someone important in my life. I just want to share the trivia of my life with someone important to me. Just to have someone who's seen this part of me that I don't care about, just so he or she knows that there was this part of my life that used to feel so important but isn't anymore. Recognition and adults who were proud of me. Just see that. Then I can throw it all away. And not look back at it and feel nothing.
I don't know if this makes sense. I just have letting-go issues haha.
But yeah, I'm slowly getting rid of things. I don't remember half the things I've recycled already. I've been told I might regret throwing things away. But it's ok. I'm more afraid that I'll try to keep all of these things close, and they'll be taken away from me for good. At least, this way, it's my choice to lose these things.
Besides, it's so much clutter! I'm hoping to whittle down my possessions enough so that they all fit into one or two boxes. Now, I've got a small box of books, a bigger box of school stuff, a shoebox of knickknacks and souvenirs, and a cookie tin of random haha. I've still got other things that are not in boxes, but they're mainly photo albums, yearbooks, Sudoku books, and a couple of things I'd rather give away or sell than recycle.
I also can't forget that I have things that won't fit in conventional moving boxes. I've got a reverse blade; no idea what I will do with it. It's a nice souvenir from AX haha. I've also got a hockey stick; pretty good for self-defense :P Also for hockey if I ever play again. I've got bad artwork from a summer art class I took years ago.
I'm liking the space that I've made in my dresser. Once I get rid of some more stuff and give away or sell a few items, I think I'll feel much better about the stuff I'm keeping. Living with as few things as possible would be great. A change from the lifestyle I've had, living with Mother and Brother.
Honestly, I think once I move out, take all my things with me, and share them with someone other than myself, I'll be at ease. I won't obsess so much about reorganizing my stuff. I can share all these souvenirs that my family hasn't even really seen. I think I really just want someone to see the things I've kept to myself all these years, to see the things that I've treasured for some reason.
Souvenirs, reminders, keepsakes. They all remind me of some part of my life. Some event. Some transition. Some person. Something in my life. I feel like I'd forget them without the souvenirs. Except, every time I look through my things, there's something there that never reminded me of anything or no longer reminds me. I look at it, and I try to remember. But I can't. But if it's there, I know it's important, or at least it was. So why can't I remember it? At this point, I decide either to toss it out because it doesn't remind me anymore or to keep it in the hopes that I will remember again. I usually don't remember it again. So now I usually decide to toss it.
It just makes me unhappy to keep all these things that don't remind me of anything. As for the things that still remind me, I'm afraid one day they'll stop. I'm not ready for that.
Anyway, tomorrow, I'll probably take everything out and go through it all once more. I don't know exactly when I'll be satisfied and stop. Maybe I won't stop until I feel annoyed that there's nothing left to get rid of. Or maybe I really do just need to sort through my things with someone significant, and I'll be satisfied then. I dunno. We'll see what happens.
Before I forget, because I probably will, I need to list all the things I plan to give away or sell: flashlight/UV light, Long Day's Journey into Night, The Importance of Being Earnest, The Lovely Bones, TI-83 Plus, The All-American Rejects' self-titled album, and Muse's Absolution album.
If you or anyone you know would like any of these things, please let me know. Otherwise, I don't really know to whom I should give or sell them yet.
Woo! So much blather lately. I'm sorry. I'm hoping my next entry will be more... Interesting? Different?
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Winter cleaning?
Actually, it's more like six months of cleaning... Sooo summer-autumn-winter cleaning! I've been dusting, wiping down, and clearing stuff out of my room every few weeks since the summer.
I don't know what else to do. Aside from being on the job hunt, reading, and watching movies and shows, I haven't had much else to do at home. Every time I think about the stuff I own, my first thought is always "I have way too much stuff." Then I think of the clutter, and clutter bothers me >.< So I start going through my stuff and tossing them.
I've reduced my wardrobe a lot, but I also got new clothes for Christmas so XP Inane details ahead, so you can skip the rest of this paragraph: I used to have like 36 pairs of pants; now, I have nineteen, including five pairs of blue jeans. Shorts went from eight pairs to four pairs. I reduced the number of shirts I own from 60+ to just thirteen T-shirts, two polos, two long-sleeved shirts, two flannels, and nine button-ups. I'm planning to get rid of more of my graphic tees once I can buy more solid-colored shirts, especially polos. And I still have thirteen hoodies, jackets, and coats, which is fewer than the twenty I used to have. I'm still planning to get rid of some more clothes. Make it easier for myself to fit my clothes into one luggage thing. (What are they called? I never knew.)
I'm not too worried about moving my clothes though. I'm more wary of moving all my other stuff. I have to leave them with Mother. But I would much rather take them with me. However, I've been throwing out a lot of souvenirs. Especially yesterday. Trying to make space for few things in the fewest amount of boxes. Except I'm using small boxes. Like tiny ones.
It seems I don't have that much stuff anymore, which is good. Yay for less clutter! I've got my books in one box; random, small things in a shoebox, a Verizon box, and two cookie tins; and school stuff in an SJSU box. When I move, my clothes will be in one luggage, my hats and scarf will be in one of my cloth bags, my CDs will probably go in a small box, along with my yearbooks and photo albums.
Moving out is stuck on my mind. I'm a little anxious about it. Not because I'm moving out, but because I feel like I have so much to do to prepare for it (so that I don't mess up Mother's living situation) and I don't want to continue to be tied down to Mother. Except I know she's trying to keep me around. She's suggested that after I move out, eventually I should move back in with her >.> I don't have the nerve to tell her that I plan to move away from San Jose one day. But I did say I would never want to move back in. Once I'm out, I'm out for good.
I'm thinking about moving out so often... I don't want to forget anything. That's why I'm blogging about where I'm putting stuff. So I don't forget I already have a plan for how I'm going to transfer my stuff. If I have as few possessions as possible, I can just take it all with me when I move in with Shiva and Killol. Because right now, my plan is just to take my clothes, towel, blanket, netbook, and a few other necessities with me. If I can put all my stuff into a few small boxes or one medium-sized box, I can just take it all with me. When I move into my own room later, I'll take my bed, coat stand, a dresser, and maybe my desktop and desk. Maybe I'll sell my bed and get a twin-sized bed too. A full-size is so big for me >.>
Still have so much stuff I don't need. Also good exercise for letting things go. Still so hard to let go -sigh- I just want to keep things I need. Goal: Small and few. Minimalist lifestyle! It would be so much easier to do once Mother stops telling me what to do and telling me that I'm too cheap or I act too poor. I just want to live a simple life. I'm not a decorative or extravagant person on most days. I just need to let go!
Sorry, that last paragraph was random. But yeah, I'm gonna try to live the life I want to live. Butting heads with Mother will happen because she wants me to do all these things for her that I can't afford to do yet. Nor do I want to at this point in my life. I just wanna know what it's like to take care of myself first. She wants me to buy a house, so that our whole family can live together <.< That's just not what I want. One, I don't want to live with her again. Two, I don't want to live in or own a house. Three, she's trying to plan my life without my input. It's frustrating. She's making plans that I don't see myself being a part of. At the least, when I can afford to, I will help pay for her living space, food, clothes, and leisure. But she's making plans like she expects me to do it within the next year or two. I won't. I don't expect to be making enough money for all that for at least the next four or five years. Even when I get to that point, I don't know how extravagant I will be with my spending. If I still spend less on myself, then yeah I can spend more on her. But if I start spending on myself like how she spends on herself, I won't be able to take care of her the way she wants me to.
Also, at that point in my life, I might have a significant other. I don't know where my priorities will be then.
I just wish she'd let me figure out my life for myself. I have (ideas of) plans for how I want to live and how to save my money and everything, but she won't listen to me. If she keeps butting into my life and trying to change it so that it fits what she wants, I'm going to feel less and less inclined to share my plans (and savings) with her. She's just gotta let me do my thing and trust that I will learn how to take care of myself, come back, and take care of her when I can. Making me take care of her now when I don't even know how to care for myself is one of the worst things she can do. But, of course, she won't listen. So I'm going to have to figure out how to do what I want to do while still appeasing her.
Wish me luck XP
I don't know what else to do. Aside from being on the job hunt, reading, and watching movies and shows, I haven't had much else to do at home. Every time I think about the stuff I own, my first thought is always "I have way too much stuff." Then I think of the clutter, and clutter bothers me >.< So I start going through my stuff and tossing them.
I've reduced my wardrobe a lot, but I also got new clothes for Christmas so XP Inane details ahead, so you can skip the rest of this paragraph: I used to have like 36 pairs of pants; now, I have nineteen, including five pairs of blue jeans. Shorts went from eight pairs to four pairs. I reduced the number of shirts I own from 60+ to just thirteen T-shirts, two polos, two long-sleeved shirts, two flannels, and nine button-ups. I'm planning to get rid of more of my graphic tees once I can buy more solid-colored shirts, especially polos. And I still have thirteen hoodies, jackets, and coats, which is fewer than the twenty I used to have. I'm still planning to get rid of some more clothes. Make it easier for myself to fit my clothes into one luggage thing. (What are they called? I never knew.)
I'm not too worried about moving my clothes though. I'm more wary of moving all my other stuff. I have to leave them with Mother. But I would much rather take them with me. However, I've been throwing out a lot of souvenirs. Especially yesterday. Trying to make space for few things in the fewest amount of boxes. Except I'm using small boxes. Like tiny ones.
It seems I don't have that much stuff anymore, which is good. Yay for less clutter! I've got my books in one box; random, small things in a shoebox, a Verizon box, and two cookie tins; and school stuff in an SJSU box. When I move, my clothes will be in one luggage, my hats and scarf will be in one of my cloth bags, my CDs will probably go in a small box, along with my yearbooks and photo albums.
Moving out is stuck on my mind. I'm a little anxious about it. Not because I'm moving out, but because I feel like I have so much to do to prepare for it (so that I don't mess up Mother's living situation) and I don't want to continue to be tied down to Mother. Except I know she's trying to keep me around. She's suggested that after I move out, eventually I should move back in with her >.> I don't have the nerve to tell her that I plan to move away from San Jose one day. But I did say I would never want to move back in. Once I'm out, I'm out for good.
I'm thinking about moving out so often... I don't want to forget anything. That's why I'm blogging about where I'm putting stuff. So I don't forget I already have a plan for how I'm going to transfer my stuff. If I have as few possessions as possible, I can just take it all with me when I move in with Shiva and Killol. Because right now, my plan is just to take my clothes, towel, blanket, netbook, and a few other necessities with me. If I can put all my stuff into a few small boxes or one medium-sized box, I can just take it all with me. When I move into my own room later, I'll take my bed, coat stand, a dresser, and maybe my desktop and desk. Maybe I'll sell my bed and get a twin-sized bed too. A full-size is so big for me >.>
Still have so much stuff I don't need. Also good exercise for letting things go. Still so hard to let go -sigh- I just want to keep things I need. Goal: Small and few. Minimalist lifestyle! It would be so much easier to do once Mother stops telling me what to do and telling me that I'm too cheap or I act too poor. I just want to live a simple life. I'm not a decorative or extravagant person on most days. I just need to let go!
Sorry, that last paragraph was random. But yeah, I'm gonna try to live the life I want to live. Butting heads with Mother will happen because she wants me to do all these things for her that I can't afford to do yet. Nor do I want to at this point in my life. I just wanna know what it's like to take care of myself first. She wants me to buy a house, so that our whole family can live together <.< That's just not what I want. One, I don't want to live with her again. Two, I don't want to live in or own a house. Three, she's trying to plan my life without my input. It's frustrating. She's making plans that I don't see myself being a part of. At the least, when I can afford to, I will help pay for her living space, food, clothes, and leisure. But she's making plans like she expects me to do it within the next year or two. I won't. I don't expect to be making enough money for all that for at least the next four or five years. Even when I get to that point, I don't know how extravagant I will be with my spending. If I still spend less on myself, then yeah I can spend more on her. But if I start spending on myself like how she spends on herself, I won't be able to take care of her the way she wants me to.
Also, at that point in my life, I might have a significant other. I don't know where my priorities will be then.
I just wish she'd let me figure out my life for myself. I have (ideas of) plans for how I want to live and how to save my money and everything, but she won't listen to me. If she keeps butting into my life and trying to change it so that it fits what she wants, I'm going to feel less and less inclined to share my plans (and savings) with her. She's just gotta let me do my thing and trust that I will learn how to take care of myself, come back, and take care of her when I can. Making me take care of her now when I don't even know how to care for myself is one of the worst things she can do. But, of course, she won't listen. So I'm going to have to figure out how to do what I want to do while still appeasing her.
Wish me luck XP
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
2013 has begun.
So I welcomed 2013 with Shiva, Mai, Harrison, Chau, and Vivi. It was a good start to the year :) We missed the countdown by seven seconds. But hey, they had their champagne, and I got my juice box :D It was all good. Though, I have to add that Shiva was messing with me at some points in the night -w- Trying to embarrass me and all. Pssh. Rude! XP
I had started NYE with a late lunch/early dinner with my family and Karina. Brother dropped me off at SJSU around 7pm, and I walked around campus. Parked myself on a bench near the Event Center and reminisced. It's been so long since I've been on campus. And even longer since I've been there at night. It was nice. Cold but nice. I worked on a sudoku puzzle for like an hour haha. When I finished it, I looked up at the sky and watched something slowly move across the sky.
A cop drove by in his car and turned on one of his sirens. It startled me. I looked around to see if something was happening. But nothing was happening. The cop was looking at me. Then he drove away o_o I think he thought I was sleeping on the bench -_- I'm not a bum. Also, he made me lose sight of the thing I was watching -_-"
When I realized I couldn't feel my toes anymore, I walked around some more. I ended up sitting near Fourth and San Carlos. Some guy, who was walking by, asked me, "Where the weed at?" I just smiled my awkward smile and shook my head. He continued with "You dunno where the weed at?" and sighed, while walking away with his female companion, who just glanced at me and didn't say anything.
Eventually, Vivi met up with me on campus around 8:20, and we went to Christmas in the Park for a bit. Second to last day that it was open. No preachers shouting at passersby. Small crowd. It was a nice change from what I've experienced in past years. I liked soaking in the atmosphere, even though Christmas had passed. I think I'm trying to make up for all those years in childhood that I wanted to go to the park but never got to. So though I don't always pay attention to everything that Christmas in the Park has to offer, I greatly enjoy being there and just getting my fill of whatever holiday spirit I can find. And it's always nice to share this experience with someone else :)
So afterward, Vivi and I reparked her car in another parking garage because there wasn't an overnight option in the school parking garage -_- There used to be when I used to drive to school. I felt bad because Vivi had to pay twice as much to park for the night >: But what's done is done -.-
Then we went to Shiva's apartment, where everyone else had already assembled.
Mai poured me some champagne without asking me, and I told her I wasn't going to drink :P Not until the end of March. She was disappointed(?) haha. When I say I'm gonna do something (or not do it), I mean it (now, at least. I used to say I wouldn't drink but then end up drinking anyway).
I pointed out that I was breaking my tradition of celebrating NYE with people I haven't celebrated with before because Shiva and Harrison were there. But it was also pointed out that I had never celebrated with Vivi <.< Mai >.> or Chau <.< So I guess my tradition is only half broken(?) haha >.> It doesn't really matter. I had fun; so like I said, it was all good.
We all snacked on cookies, some veggie nugget thing that I don't remember the name of, veggies with ranch, apples, cuties, and cheese and crackers.
Vivi attempted to stack some apples to make a snowman... err... Apple-man? Apple-and-cutie-man? Fruit-man? She succeeded haha. There are pictures. Then Chau attempted and succeeded at stacking on more. Again, there are pictures. Eventually, they all toppled though XP
There were plenty of photos taken last night. Silly and happy photos. Pictures of me hiding from the cameras. Pictures of Mai striking poses. Picture of Harrison planking on my arm. Picture of Harrison leaning his head on my arm while his butt was in the air. There is picture evidence of Vivi kicking me in the knee haha. But it was because Chau had been tickling her. I was just an innocent bystander... Bysitter? I was sitting next to Vivi when it happened.
We tried to do the countdown in Shiva's room on her computer, but technical difficulties made us miss it by seven seconds. But it was ok. We still clinked our drinks. Then we watched New Year's videos. First from NYC. Then from across the world. Made me remember I wanna share a New Year's kiss with someone special one of these years. I will. I'm determined :P Before I die, damn it.
After the year started, we spent the rest of the night just talking in Shiva's room, and there was more picture-taking. I think Mai slept through much of this part of the night haha. Chau gave Vivi a massage. Shiva gave Chau a massage. This led to a conversation about our friend Billy getting a massage from Shiva and moaning because it felt so good haha.
I was tired, and I wanted to plop into sleep. But the conversation was just so interesting XP Eventually, I became very awake but still tired.
Around 3am, Vivi and Chau left. Long goodbyes with relatively long hugs haha. Harrison crashed on living room floor, and I got the futon. (I'm going to have to get used to this futon.) I couldn't sleep. So I turned on my iPod and listened to Phillip Phillips :D His music helps me sleep -nodnod- Got a text from Vivi around 3:30am, letting me know she got home safely. Listened to Phillip Phillips some more. Passed out at some point.
Woke up at 8:40am. Tried to go back to sleep. I did a few times. But then I was just awake. Eventually, Harrison and I both got up, sat together on the futon, and just talked for a while. Cuddle buddy! :) Then at some point, Shiva came out to the living room and plopped on me. Mai left for a family engagement. Shiva, Harrison, and I talked and eventually walked to Flames. Good food. I couldn't finish though >:
Went back to the apartment and chilled. Shiva was packing for India. She's gonna be there for less than a month O: !! And I might move into her apartment while she's gone. We'll see what happens.
Anyway, our morning/afternoon was fun. Interesting conversations and observations about people <.< I dunno what I'm supposed to do with this information. I dunnoooo. My braaaiin... It wishes it were better at interpreting people's behavior and situations -sigh- Oh well.
Ok, yeah, that's pretty much all the fun stuff of the last 26ish hours of my life. Spent time with some friends who are special to me. Got to enjoy being in their presence. It felt great!
Now, onward with 2013!
I had started NYE with a late lunch/early dinner with my family and Karina. Brother dropped me off at SJSU around 7pm, and I walked around campus. Parked myself on a bench near the Event Center and reminisced. It's been so long since I've been on campus. And even longer since I've been there at night. It was nice. Cold but nice. I worked on a sudoku puzzle for like an hour haha. When I finished it, I looked up at the sky and watched something slowly move across the sky.
A cop drove by in his car and turned on one of his sirens. It startled me. I looked around to see if something was happening. But nothing was happening. The cop was looking at me. Then he drove away o_o I think he thought I was sleeping on the bench -_- I'm not a bum. Also, he made me lose sight of the thing I was watching -_-"
When I realized I couldn't feel my toes anymore, I walked around some more. I ended up sitting near Fourth and San Carlos. Some guy, who was walking by, asked me, "Where the weed at?" I just smiled my awkward smile and shook my head. He continued with "You dunno where the weed at?" and sighed, while walking away with his female companion, who just glanced at me and didn't say anything.
Eventually, Vivi met up with me on campus around 8:20, and we went to Christmas in the Park for a bit. Second to last day that it was open. No preachers shouting at passersby. Small crowd. It was a nice change from what I've experienced in past years. I liked soaking in the atmosphere, even though Christmas had passed. I think I'm trying to make up for all those years in childhood that I wanted to go to the park but never got to. So though I don't always pay attention to everything that Christmas in the Park has to offer, I greatly enjoy being there and just getting my fill of whatever holiday spirit I can find. And it's always nice to share this experience with someone else :)
So afterward, Vivi and I reparked her car in another parking garage because there wasn't an overnight option in the school parking garage -_- There used to be when I used to drive to school. I felt bad because Vivi had to pay twice as much to park for the night >: But what's done is done -.-
Then we went to Shiva's apartment, where everyone else had already assembled.
Mai poured me some champagne without asking me, and I told her I wasn't going to drink :P Not until the end of March. She was disappointed(?) haha. When I say I'm gonna do something (or not do it), I mean it (now, at least. I used to say I wouldn't drink but then end up drinking anyway).
I pointed out that I was breaking my tradition of celebrating NYE with people I haven't celebrated with before because Shiva and Harrison were there. But it was also pointed out that I had never celebrated with Vivi <.< Mai >.> or Chau <.< So I guess my tradition is only half broken(?) haha >.> It doesn't really matter. I had fun; so like I said, it was all good.
We all snacked on cookies, some veggie nugget thing that I don't remember the name of, veggies with ranch, apples, cuties, and cheese and crackers.
Vivi attempted to stack some apples to make a snowman... err... Apple-man? Apple-and-cutie-man? Fruit-man? She succeeded haha. There are pictures. Then Chau attempted and succeeded at stacking on more. Again, there are pictures. Eventually, they all toppled though XP
There were plenty of photos taken last night. Silly and happy photos. Pictures of me hiding from the cameras. Pictures of Mai striking poses. Picture of Harrison planking on my arm. Picture of Harrison leaning his head on my arm while his butt was in the air. There is picture evidence of Vivi kicking me in the knee haha. But it was because Chau had been tickling her. I was just an innocent bystander... Bysitter? I was sitting next to Vivi when it happened.
We tried to do the countdown in Shiva's room on her computer, but technical difficulties made us miss it by seven seconds. But it was ok. We still clinked our drinks. Then we watched New Year's videos. First from NYC. Then from across the world. Made me remember I wanna share a New Year's kiss with someone special one of these years. I will. I'm determined :P Before I die, damn it.
After the year started, we spent the rest of the night just talking in Shiva's room, and there was more picture-taking. I think Mai slept through much of this part of the night haha. Chau gave Vivi a massage. Shiva gave Chau a massage. This led to a conversation about our friend Billy getting a massage from Shiva and moaning because it felt so good haha.
I was tired, and I wanted to plop into sleep. But the conversation was just so interesting XP Eventually, I became very awake but still tired.
Around 3am, Vivi and Chau left. Long goodbyes with relatively long hugs haha. Harrison crashed on living room floor, and I got the futon. (I'm going to have to get used to this futon.) I couldn't sleep. So I turned on my iPod and listened to Phillip Phillips :D His music helps me sleep -nodnod- Got a text from Vivi around 3:30am, letting me know she got home safely. Listened to Phillip Phillips some more. Passed out at some point.
Woke up at 8:40am. Tried to go back to sleep. I did a few times. But then I was just awake. Eventually, Harrison and I both got up, sat together on the futon, and just talked for a while. Cuddle buddy! :) Then at some point, Shiva came out to the living room and plopped on me. Mai left for a family engagement. Shiva, Harrison, and I talked and eventually walked to Flames. Good food. I couldn't finish though >:
Went back to the apartment and chilled. Shiva was packing for India. She's gonna be there for less than a month O: !! And I might move into her apartment while she's gone. We'll see what happens.
Anyway, our morning/afternoon was fun. Interesting conversations and observations about people <.< I dunno what I'm supposed to do with this information. I dunnoooo. My braaaiin... It wishes it were better at interpreting people's behavior and situations -sigh- Oh well.
Ok, yeah, that's pretty much all the fun stuff of the last 26ish hours of my life. Spent time with some friends who are special to me. Got to enjoy being in their presence. It felt great!
Now, onward with 2013!
Monday, December 31, 2012
New Year's 2013
2012 is coming to a close. It's been an awesome year. I hope 2013 will be just as epic and amazing.
I know 2013 will be full of changes, just like 2012 was. This year, I've made a lot of personal changes. I'm really looking forward to starting 2013.
I also know a few of my closest friends will be leaving San Jose next year. I guess I'll have to get used to it. It will be like graduating from high school and starting college all over again. I can only wish the the best for my friends and hope we keep in touch.
Eventually, I'll make my own home in another city. For now, I'll just be happy for my friends and for myself.
Anyway, 2013, so exciting. Every new year is always exciting :)
I'll be greeting 2013 with Shiva, Mai, Harrison, maybe Brian, maybe Chau, and Vivi tonight. So I guess I won't continue my trend of celebrating the new year with different people. Oh well.
Ah, just excited. Can't think haha.
Happy New Year, everyone! :)
I know 2013 will be full of changes, just like 2012 was. This year, I've made a lot of personal changes. I'm really looking forward to starting 2013.
I also know a few of my closest friends will be leaving San Jose next year. I guess I'll have to get used to it. It will be like graduating from high school and starting college all over again. I can only wish the the best for my friends and hope we keep in touch.
Eventually, I'll make my own home in another city. For now, I'll just be happy for my friends and for myself.
Anyway, 2013, so exciting. Every new year is always exciting :)
I'll be greeting 2013 with Shiva, Mai, Harrison, maybe Brian, maybe Chau, and Vivi tonight. So I guess I won't continue my trend of celebrating the new year with different people. Oh well.
Ah, just excited. Can't think haha.
Happy New Year, everyone! :)
Saturday, December 29, 2012
I haven't had insomnia in a while.
I felt so wired in bed. I think I got maybe two hours of sleep this morning. My brain wouldn't stop thinking and planning. Every time I stopped to try to go to sleep, the lull wouldn't last long. I think I managed to drift off a handful of times, but each time I would wake up thinking things over. I tried listening to music, but that didn't keep me asleep for long.
Then at probably 6 in the morning, one of my cousins in Vietnam called Mother's cell phone. And she was awake talking for an hour. I don't know what the conversation was about, but usually when we get a call from Vietnam, it's not good news. I'll have to ask Mother about it later when I'm less tired.
So what was I thinking about from 11pm to 8am, when I finally clocked out for longer bit? Just trying to plan everything for the beginning of 2013.
Yesterday, Mother, D, and I had a conversation about me starting work and moving out of Mother's house. Mother has Section 8 housing. I have to move out before or as soon as I start working. We have to notify Housing Authority of the change in household composition within 10 days. There are forms and verification of my leave to submit in those ten days. I also need to get a bank account, so my employer can pay me with direct deposit rather than a mailed paycheck. Because, apparently, if Mother receives my paychecks, that is immediate proof that I still live with her even when I've obviously moved out -_- But I can't get the bank account now because I still live with Mother and we would have to notify HA of my account. Then they'd possibly increase her rent.
So essentially, I just need to do all these things the day before I start working. Except I don't know when I start yet. And I'm not sure how many days' notice I'll get in the first place.
All simple tasks to do. Just so many. I'm sure I've forgotten a few already. I should write these things down. Mother is freaking out because she's afraid we won't follow procedure properly and she'll lose her Section 8 -_- I just sat there, thinking, "Maybe it's about time you do, since you keep panicking about it. I don't think it's healthy for you to stay on this program." Too bad I can't say it. I really think living with Section 8 stresses her way more than it should.
Anyway, other things plaguing my mind: strict budgeting and saving plan. Commute from downtown SJ to workplace is 16 miles. Round trip would cost me about a gallon and a half of gas. Roughly 7.5 gallons a work week. That's more than half my tank. 30ish dollars a work week. Need to consider weekend driving. For now, let's say 120 a month for gas. (My budget plan allows for 150 a month, so I'm good here.) I think for the first month or so after I move out, I'll limit my weekend driving to when I need to go somewhere. Otherwise, I'll bum a ride and chip in for gas :P
Initially, when I move out, I'm planning to live with Shiva and Killol for a while. Until I can save up enough money for ideally first two months' rent and security deposit for a room of my own. So I'm thinking maybe a thousand dollars. Preferably a room within ten miles of my workplace. That limits me to places in Mountain View, Sunnyvale, Santa Clara, Milpitas, and north and west San Jose. I looked on craigslist last night just to get a general idea of what I would want to look for when the time came. Ignoring all the ads for guys looking for female roommates with benefits, there seems to be a good amount of rooms for the price range I'm looking for. I don't ask for much. I just need a place to store my stuff, to sleep, and to shower.
Ah, so much stuff to think about. When I move somewhere closer to my workplace, I'll save on my average mileage and gas during the work week. But it also means that I'd have a longer drive to see my friends.
Mm, so since I'll make ten dollars an hour for forty hours a week, I'm assuming I'll make seven dollars an hour after taxes. (I'm not actually sure how much tax will be taken out yet, but I hopefully am overestimating the tax.) So I'll make 280 a week. I told Shiva I was willing to pay a week's worth of pay as my rent. That leaves 840 for the rest of the month. Take out the 150 for gas, and I'm left with 690. Ideally, I want to save 500 a month, so that I'll move out of Shiva and Killol's apartment sooner. That basically leaves me with 190 for spending money. Less than fifty dollars a week. I could live off of that if I spend wisely.
Mother offered to provide me with lunch, but that just wastes my gas. A gallon just to go to her place and back to mine. I think I'll stick to just visiting her on the weekend. Plus, I don't want her to think I can't live on my own without her. She doesn't think Brother can do it, since he comes home every few days and asks to borrow money and to have some things to use, like detergent and shampoo. I don't plan to do that. I plan to move out and rely on myself. I'll only ask Mother for help when I'm in a really tight spot. But even then, I might just turn to friends because I know they won't hold it over my head or against me.
Let's see. I still have about 300 dollars left from the summer. Will probably spend about forty of it this weekend. Leaves me with 260. Then we have a change jars. I'm planning to ask Mother if I can cash in the change and put the money toward my rent/savings. I'm hoping there's at least a hundred dollars in there.
I know, this is a lot of stuff that's not important to you. But I need to put it down somewhere, or else I might not be able to sleep tonight.
When I start work, I'll most likely be working from 5:45am to 2:15pm every day. Yay, morning! I'm so excited. This means I'll probably get up at 4 or 4:30 in the morning and leave by 5. It also means I'd get home around 3. Exercise, eat, shower by 4:30pm. Maybe visit some friends at SJSU. Bed by 9:30pm. Start the cycle over. Yay, routine! I can't wait to start this routine. It will be a nice change from the past six or seven months.
Yes, I know, I know. I can't help it. When great change is imminent, I start to overthink. I start having ideas about what I want to do to be prepared. I like being prepared. Mother keeps trying to butt into my plans, so I'm not making plans. I just have ideas of plans. I hope they come to fruition. I hope everything works out.
Good song (or at least the chorus) that perfectly fits my mood right now: "Tell Me A Story" by Phillip Phillips :)
I feel so jittery, and I've had no stimulants. Not enough sleep. Still thinking too much. Need to stop. I've probably forgotten half the things I thought of last night. Consequences of insomniaaa!
Ok. I should go. But I'm excited! I'm surprised I was able to do math in my head last night/this morning. Yeah. Ok, going now.
Then at probably 6 in the morning, one of my cousins in Vietnam called Mother's cell phone. And she was awake talking for an hour. I don't know what the conversation was about, but usually when we get a call from Vietnam, it's not good news. I'll have to ask Mother about it later when I'm less tired.
So what was I thinking about from 11pm to 8am, when I finally clocked out for longer bit? Just trying to plan everything for the beginning of 2013.
Yesterday, Mother, D, and I had a conversation about me starting work and moving out of Mother's house. Mother has Section 8 housing. I have to move out before or as soon as I start working. We have to notify Housing Authority of the change in household composition within 10 days. There are forms and verification of my leave to submit in those ten days. I also need to get a bank account, so my employer can pay me with direct deposit rather than a mailed paycheck. Because, apparently, if Mother receives my paychecks, that is immediate proof that I still live with her even when I've obviously moved out -_- But I can't get the bank account now because I still live with Mother and we would have to notify HA of my account. Then they'd possibly increase her rent.
So essentially, I just need to do all these things the day before I start working. Except I don't know when I start yet. And I'm not sure how many days' notice I'll get in the first place.
All simple tasks to do. Just so many. I'm sure I've forgotten a few already. I should write these things down. Mother is freaking out because she's afraid we won't follow procedure properly and she'll lose her Section 8 -_- I just sat there, thinking, "Maybe it's about time you do, since you keep panicking about it. I don't think it's healthy for you to stay on this program." Too bad I can't say it. I really think living with Section 8 stresses her way more than it should.
Anyway, other things plaguing my mind: strict budgeting and saving plan. Commute from downtown SJ to workplace is 16 miles. Round trip would cost me about a gallon and a half of gas. Roughly 7.5 gallons a work week. That's more than half my tank. 30ish dollars a work week. Need to consider weekend driving. For now, let's say 120 a month for gas. (My budget plan allows for 150 a month, so I'm good here.) I think for the first month or so after I move out, I'll limit my weekend driving to when I need to go somewhere. Otherwise, I'll bum a ride and chip in for gas :P
Initially, when I move out, I'm planning to live with Shiva and Killol for a while. Until I can save up enough money for ideally first two months' rent and security deposit for a room of my own. So I'm thinking maybe a thousand dollars. Preferably a room within ten miles of my workplace. That limits me to places in Mountain View, Sunnyvale, Santa Clara, Milpitas, and north and west San Jose. I looked on craigslist last night just to get a general idea of what I would want to look for when the time came. Ignoring all the ads for guys looking for female roommates with benefits, there seems to be a good amount of rooms for the price range I'm looking for. I don't ask for much. I just need a place to store my stuff, to sleep, and to shower.
Ah, so much stuff to think about. When I move somewhere closer to my workplace, I'll save on my average mileage and gas during the work week. But it also means that I'd have a longer drive to see my friends.
Mm, so since I'll make ten dollars an hour for forty hours a week, I'm assuming I'll make seven dollars an hour after taxes. (I'm not actually sure how much tax will be taken out yet, but I hopefully am overestimating the tax.) So I'll make 280 a week. I told Shiva I was willing to pay a week's worth of pay as my rent. That leaves 840 for the rest of the month. Take out the 150 for gas, and I'm left with 690. Ideally, I want to save 500 a month, so that I'll move out of Shiva and Killol's apartment sooner. That basically leaves me with 190 for spending money. Less than fifty dollars a week. I could live off of that if I spend wisely.
Mother offered to provide me with lunch, but that just wastes my gas. A gallon just to go to her place and back to mine. I think I'll stick to just visiting her on the weekend. Plus, I don't want her to think I can't live on my own without her. She doesn't think Brother can do it, since he comes home every few days and asks to borrow money and to have some things to use, like detergent and shampoo. I don't plan to do that. I plan to move out and rely on myself. I'll only ask Mother for help when I'm in a really tight spot. But even then, I might just turn to friends because I know they won't hold it over my head or against me.
Let's see. I still have about 300 dollars left from the summer. Will probably spend about forty of it this weekend. Leaves me with 260. Then we have a change jars. I'm planning to ask Mother if I can cash in the change and put the money toward my rent/savings. I'm hoping there's at least a hundred dollars in there.
I know, this is a lot of stuff that's not important to you. But I need to put it down somewhere, or else I might not be able to sleep tonight.
When I start work, I'll most likely be working from 5:45am to 2:15pm every day. Yay, morning! I'm so excited. This means I'll probably get up at 4 or 4:30 in the morning and leave by 5. It also means I'd get home around 3. Exercise, eat, shower by 4:30pm. Maybe visit some friends at SJSU. Bed by 9:30pm. Start the cycle over. Yay, routine! I can't wait to start this routine. It will be a nice change from the past six or seven months.
Yes, I know, I know. I can't help it. When great change is imminent, I start to overthink. I start having ideas about what I want to do to be prepared. I like being prepared. Mother keeps trying to butt into my plans, so I'm not making plans. I just have ideas of plans. I hope they come to fruition. I hope everything works out.
Good song (or at least the chorus) that perfectly fits my mood right now: "Tell Me A Story" by Phillip Phillips :)
I feel so jittery, and I've had no stimulants. Not enough sleep. Still thinking too much. Need to stop. I've probably forgotten half the things I thought of last night. Consequences of insomniaaa!
Ok. I should go. But I'm excited! I'm surprised I was able to do math in my head last night/this morning. Yeah. Ok, going now.
Thursday, December 27, 2012
Successful job interview?
So I had a job interview with Randstad In House Services today in Mountain View. Awesome. Tomoyo, the person who interviewed me, was really nice and welcoming :) Not intimidating, which put me at ease. I wasn't very nervous--that's a first. If my coworkers are all as nice as Tomoyo, then I think I'll be happy with the job. The whole interview process, including filling out some paperwork, lasted about forty-five minutes.
She spent a part of the interview explaining various aspects of the job, including job duties and behavior codes. When she was going through the list of things to not do at work, I laughed a few times because I couldn't imagine doing those things myself. And I assured her that I wouldn't. But I guess my word doesn't mean much until people actually witness it. There were a couple of times where I wanted to interrupt and say I couldn't even make myself do whatever it was that wasn't allowed. Talking on the phone, falling asleep on the job because it gets boring, and getting out of my seat too often... I silence my phone as soon as I walk into a work environment; I can't fall asleep if I'm too busy focusing on my work; my biggest worry about this job is that I'm afraid I might not get up often enough. I've forgotten to eat lunch several times because I didn't pay attention to the clock. Just glued to my chair.
I had all these responses in my head, but I didn't want to be rude by interrupting. But yeah, based on everything she's mentioned about the job, the Do's and Don'ts, I think I will love this job. It might be a repetitive job, but that's what I've been looking for. A job that doesn't require a lot of speaking, allows me to work alone within a small group of people, and doesn't tax my brain (unless it's with puzzles). It really is the perfect job for me at this point in my life. I hope she believed me when I said that. I wasn't just saying that so that I could get the job. I like repetition and routine. Changing it up once in a while would add tons of excitement to my life XP
So it seems that I've got the job. A conditional hire, since the company still needs to do a background check on me. Though, even after that's done, I may not start immediately. Randstad has to wait for further instructions from Google regarding work assignments and the number of employees needed. But yeah, so Randstad (or at least this branch of it) provides temporary employees for Google. Two-year contract. I might start next week. I might start in a month. To be honest, I don't care when I start as long as I start. But I do hope I can get started sooner than later haha. I'm excited :)
I just finished filling out and submitting a W-4 and other online work-related documents. Company policies, so many... They prohibit so many things; it scares me because if I broke any rules, it would probably happen because I forgot a rule -_- But looking through it, I'm not at risk of breaking any of those rules. I don't plan to get a second job. I didn't even know what AdSense or AdWord were until I looked them up just now. I don't know how to hack anything unless it's physically with a cleaver and chopping board :P I don't remember how stocks work, but I don't know anyone who invests or anything. I should be ok with my blog because it's private and not searchable. Though, maybe I should ask about blogs just to be certain because their section on blogs was vague.
I was sooo confused about the tax forms. But I got through it. Hopefully, I filled everything out properly. I didn't have any help except for whatever links appeared when I googled "w-4 withholding allowances" and "w-4 exemptions." Even the explanations were complicated -_-; At least I'm done with that for now.
Now, I just have to wait to hear from Tomoyo about my start date. In the meantime, I'll look for other work. Just in case something happens to prevent me from working for Randstad.
No matter how much negativity Mother is trying to pile onto my current excitement about work, I'm good. I know she's trying to be realistic. But seriously, she's just trying to look for all the possible problems that could happen.
I'm pretty happy right now. While the end of 2012 hasn't been going all too well for my family, good things are happening for me personally. 2013 will hopefully start off as a wonderful beginning for me. My first steps into independence and self-reliance, and then eventually I can take care of my family for a change. Amazing. So exciting!
Now, I have renewed vigor for clearing out the clutter in my room (again). Also for planning housing arrangements. And money-saving plans.
Parts of my life are falling into place. Yay! I'm gonna be ok :) Whew.
She spent a part of the interview explaining various aspects of the job, including job duties and behavior codes. When she was going through the list of things to not do at work, I laughed a few times because I couldn't imagine doing those things myself. And I assured her that I wouldn't. But I guess my word doesn't mean much until people actually witness it. There were a couple of times where I wanted to interrupt and say I couldn't even make myself do whatever it was that wasn't allowed. Talking on the phone, falling asleep on the job because it gets boring, and getting out of my seat too often... I silence my phone as soon as I walk into a work environment; I can't fall asleep if I'm too busy focusing on my work; my biggest worry about this job is that I'm afraid I might not get up often enough. I've forgotten to eat lunch several times because I didn't pay attention to the clock. Just glued to my chair.
I had all these responses in my head, but I didn't want to be rude by interrupting. But yeah, based on everything she's mentioned about the job, the Do's and Don'ts, I think I will love this job. It might be a repetitive job, but that's what I've been looking for. A job that doesn't require a lot of speaking, allows me to work alone within a small group of people, and doesn't tax my brain (unless it's with puzzles). It really is the perfect job for me at this point in my life. I hope she believed me when I said that. I wasn't just saying that so that I could get the job. I like repetition and routine. Changing it up once in a while would add tons of excitement to my life XP
So it seems that I've got the job. A conditional hire, since the company still needs to do a background check on me. Though, even after that's done, I may not start immediately. Randstad has to wait for further instructions from Google regarding work assignments and the number of employees needed. But yeah, so Randstad (or at least this branch of it) provides temporary employees for Google. Two-year contract. I might start next week. I might start in a month. To be honest, I don't care when I start as long as I start. But I do hope I can get started sooner than later haha. I'm excited :)
I just finished filling out and submitting a W-4 and other online work-related documents. Company policies, so many... They prohibit so many things; it scares me because if I broke any rules, it would probably happen because I forgot a rule -_- But looking through it, I'm not at risk of breaking any of those rules. I don't plan to get a second job. I didn't even know what AdSense or AdWord were until I looked them up just now. I don't know how to hack anything unless it's physically with a cleaver and chopping board :P I don't remember how stocks work, but I don't know anyone who invests or anything. I should be ok with my blog because it's private and not searchable. Though, maybe I should ask about blogs just to be certain because their section on blogs was vague.
I was sooo confused about the tax forms. But I got through it. Hopefully, I filled everything out properly. I didn't have any help except for whatever links appeared when I googled "w-4 withholding allowances" and "w-4 exemptions." Even the explanations were complicated -_-; At least I'm done with that for now.
Now, I just have to wait to hear from Tomoyo about my start date. In the meantime, I'll look for other work. Just in case something happens to prevent me from working for Randstad.
No matter how much negativity Mother is trying to pile onto my current excitement about work, I'm good. I know she's trying to be realistic. But seriously, she's just trying to look for all the possible problems that could happen.
I'm pretty happy right now. While the end of 2012 hasn't been going all too well for my family, good things are happening for me personally. 2013 will hopefully start off as a wonderful beginning for me. My first steps into independence and self-reliance, and then eventually I can take care of my family for a change. Amazing. So exciting!
Now, I have renewed vigor for clearing out the clutter in my room (again). Also for planning housing arrangements. And money-saving plans.
Parts of my life are falling into place. Yay! I'm gonna be ok :) Whew.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
The heaviness won't leave.
Chau's End-of-the-World/Christmas get-together happened last night. That was fun. I ended up driving Harrison and Vivi there.
Shiva, Mai, Jen, Karishma, Ash, and Don were also there.
The events of the night included decorating stockings, Toy Story 1 through 3, Mai attempting to prevent Shiva from watching Toy Story 3 because Shiva didn't remember the second movie, alcohol consumption, White Elephant, Cards Against Humanity, YouTube karaoke, broken glass, panoramic group photos, and generally silly behavior.
While the night overall was fun, I was in an off mood. A really off mood. A part of me feels like I really shouldn't have gone because I wasn't being very involved in anything. Another part of me is glad that I got out of the house because of the family stuff. But really, I probably should have spent more time alone. Outside but alone.
Being around my friends, while comforting, was a little difficult because I didn't want to talk to anyone. But I was, I did, and I tried to engage myself in a few activities. I managed to get lost in the fun for parts of the night. But once I simmered down, I could barely smile at times.
I focused on the movies instead because I think movies have always been able to distract me. Besides, the Toy Story series is awesome. Movies that taught me to talk to my toys when I was a child. I learned to apologize to my toys when I dropped them or hadn't played with them in a while haha. I was very nice to my toys. Oh, memories.
I wasn't letting myself have a completely good time though. I wasn't letting myself get excited about anything. I think if I did, I might have started crying at some point. I also partly felt guilty because I had left my house during an important family discussion. "Maybe I should have stuck around and participated in the discussion." Really, it was part discussion, part yelling fest. I tried to add my voice in, but I don't think anyone but D listened to me.
When I got the call from Harrison asking if I could drive, I jumped at the chance to leave immediately. I probably should have stayed. But how would I have been heard? Besides, Brother seems to have a plan. A plan to try to get the smallest possible sentence for his third DUI. Not a plan to change and improve his life. A plan to impress the judge when he goes to court. Not a plan to learn how to understand the consequences of his decisions and actions. A plan to pay his DUI lawyer. Not a plan to protect his future or his own damn life.
Yeah, this kept reverberating through my head throughout the night, and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I should have been alone.
But my friends are amazing people. Harrison and Shiva knew what's been going on. So they were comforting me here and there. Harrison had some of his own things to work through, so we were literally leaning on each other or holding each other's hand at times. It was reassuring.
I realize I never eat much if anything when I'm feeling down. For the past 25 hours, I've had a cherry tomato, a poptart (this afternoon), and two chocolate chip cookies (also this afternoon). I felt the hunger, but I couldn't make myself eat. Blah. I need to learn to take care of myself better.
I need to get all this heaviness out. But I can't. I haven't been able to. Shiva and I talked about stuff this morning. And I cried a bit, and she held me, which I so very much needed. But I couldn't let it all out. I just can't right now. But I know I need to. I just need to get to a point where I can. I dunno how. Maybe it will just happen. Unexpectedly /:
And Harrison, I know you're reading this. I hope you're doing better. I know you want to be there for me, and I'm trying to open up. But it's very difficult. So please don't think that I don't love you or that I don't want you around if I can't confide in you, cry in front of you, or ask you for help or anything. I'm still learning. Just ask Shiva.
Really, that previous paragraph is addressed to any friend who's reading this. If you're reading this blog, especially through a link that I've personally given to you (y'all know who you are), you should know that the level of trust and comfort that I have with you is deep. I might not know how to show it, but I know I feel it. And I hope you feel it too. I might not always act like we're really close, but we are. If you're someone that I actually know in person and I'm letting you read the thoughts that I can articulate, then damn we're close. I hope you all know that. I hope you know that I love you, even if I don't say it :) I want you to feel the love that radiates from me to you. Can you feel it? If you don't, I'm gonna have to fix that.
Oh, I have a decorated stocking :) haha. I didn't decorate one because I didn't feel like it. Not in the festive mood currently, you know. And some people just thought I was strange for not wanting a stocking because I couldn't really explain why to anyone. But some friends thought I should have one anyway. I know Harrison started it and put my name on it. Vivi added her penguin. Shiva added Chubby Kitty XP And "Chau was [t]here" haha. I don't know who stuck on all the styrofoam presents, snowflakes, gingerbread man, or the bell. But I nearly laughed when I saw this stocking that mysteriously had my name on it haha. Awesome friends, I tell you. Even when I wasn't adding any fun to the party, my friends still included me somehow anyway. It felt nice.
Sorry, my thoughts are all over. That seemed kinda random and out of place haha. Well, now I'm feeling better thinking about my friends and my love for my friends. Ah, I'm feeling so much better now. Maybe the end of 2012 won't be so bad. Maybe I just need new perspectives.
Hmm, I think the surprise stocking may have been one of the biggest highlights of my night. You know, aside from being with friends in general. I should have hugged my friends more. I can't stop smiling about the stocking. I'm gonna keep it with me for the rest of my life! :D It's one of those personalized gifts that I can't get rid of.
Thank you, friends. While my increasing happiness may be a day late, I'm grateful that you made my weekend better. A nice, simple gesture that has had a resounding effect on me. I love you all so much. And no, I'm not drunk. That is not the reason I'm suddenly all happy and loving in this blog post. This stocking just really means a lot to me. Who would have thought this stocking was going to have such an impact on me?
The heaviness is slowly leaving...
Shiva, Mai, Jen, Karishma, Ash, and Don were also there.
The events of the night included decorating stockings, Toy Story 1 through 3, Mai attempting to prevent Shiva from watching Toy Story 3 because Shiva didn't remember the second movie, alcohol consumption, White Elephant, Cards Against Humanity, YouTube karaoke, broken glass, panoramic group photos, and generally silly behavior.
While the night overall was fun, I was in an off mood. A really off mood. A part of me feels like I really shouldn't have gone because I wasn't being very involved in anything. Another part of me is glad that I got out of the house because of the family stuff. But really, I probably should have spent more time alone. Outside but alone.
Being around my friends, while comforting, was a little difficult because I didn't want to talk to anyone. But I was, I did, and I tried to engage myself in a few activities. I managed to get lost in the fun for parts of the night. But once I simmered down, I could barely smile at times.
I focused on the movies instead because I think movies have always been able to distract me. Besides, the Toy Story series is awesome. Movies that taught me to talk to my toys when I was a child. I learned to apologize to my toys when I dropped them or hadn't played with them in a while haha. I was very nice to my toys. Oh, memories.
I wasn't letting myself have a completely good time though. I wasn't letting myself get excited about anything. I think if I did, I might have started crying at some point. I also partly felt guilty because I had left my house during an important family discussion. "Maybe I should have stuck around and participated in the discussion." Really, it was part discussion, part yelling fest. I tried to add my voice in, but I don't think anyone but D listened to me.
When I got the call from Harrison asking if I could drive, I jumped at the chance to leave immediately. I probably should have stayed. But how would I have been heard? Besides, Brother seems to have a plan. A plan to try to get the smallest possible sentence for his third DUI. Not a plan to change and improve his life. A plan to impress the judge when he goes to court. Not a plan to learn how to understand the consequences of his decisions and actions. A plan to pay his DUI lawyer. Not a plan to protect his future or his own damn life.
Yeah, this kept reverberating through my head throughout the night, and I couldn't do anything to make it go away. I should have been alone.
But my friends are amazing people. Harrison and Shiva knew what's been going on. So they were comforting me here and there. Harrison had some of his own things to work through, so we were literally leaning on each other or holding each other's hand at times. It was reassuring.
I realize I never eat much if anything when I'm feeling down. For the past 25 hours, I've had a cherry tomato, a poptart (this afternoon), and two chocolate chip cookies (also this afternoon). I felt the hunger, but I couldn't make myself eat. Blah. I need to learn to take care of myself better.
I need to get all this heaviness out. But I can't. I haven't been able to. Shiva and I talked about stuff this morning. And I cried a bit, and she held me, which I so very much needed. But I couldn't let it all out. I just can't right now. But I know I need to. I just need to get to a point where I can. I dunno how. Maybe it will just happen. Unexpectedly /:
And Harrison, I know you're reading this. I hope you're doing better. I know you want to be there for me, and I'm trying to open up. But it's very difficult. So please don't think that I don't love you or that I don't want you around if I can't confide in you, cry in front of you, or ask you for help or anything. I'm still learning. Just ask Shiva.
Really, that previous paragraph is addressed to any friend who's reading this. If you're reading this blog, especially through a link that I've personally given to you (y'all know who you are), you should know that the level of trust and comfort that I have with you is deep. I might not know how to show it, but I know I feel it. And I hope you feel it too. I might not always act like we're really close, but we are. If you're someone that I actually know in person and I'm letting you read the thoughts that I can articulate, then damn we're close. I hope you all know that. I hope you know that I love you, even if I don't say it :) I want you to feel the love that radiates from me to you. Can you feel it? If you don't, I'm gonna have to fix that.
Oh, I have a decorated stocking :) haha. I didn't decorate one because I didn't feel like it. Not in the festive mood currently, you know. And some people just thought I was strange for not wanting a stocking because I couldn't really explain why to anyone. But some friends thought I should have one anyway. I know Harrison started it and put my name on it. Vivi added her penguin. Shiva added Chubby Kitty XP And "Chau was [t]here" haha. I don't know who stuck on all the styrofoam presents, snowflakes, gingerbread man, or the bell. But I nearly laughed when I saw this stocking that mysteriously had my name on it haha. Awesome friends, I tell you. Even when I wasn't adding any fun to the party, my friends still included me somehow anyway. It felt nice.
Sorry, my thoughts are all over. That seemed kinda random and out of place haha. Well, now I'm feeling better thinking about my friends and my love for my friends. Ah, I'm feeling so much better now. Maybe the end of 2012 won't be so bad. Maybe I just need new perspectives.
Hmm, I think the surprise stocking may have been one of the biggest highlights of my night. You know, aside from being with friends in general. I should have hugged my friends more. I can't stop smiling about the stocking. I'm gonna keep it with me for the rest of my life! :D It's one of those personalized gifts that I can't get rid of.
Thank you, friends. While my increasing happiness may be a day late, I'm grateful that you made my weekend better. A nice, simple gesture that has had a resounding effect on me. I love you all so much. And no, I'm not drunk. That is not the reason I'm suddenly all happy and loving in this blog post. This stocking just really means a lot to me. Who would have thought this stocking was going to have such an impact on me?
The heaviness is slowly leaving...
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Just keep it together.
I feel like if anyone touches me, I'm going to fall apart.
Later, Mother is going to take me to see a Buddhist monk or something. The monk told her that 2013 will be a bad year for me unless he blesses me. Someone's going to steal my car. Or rather, someone will dupe me into giving them my car.
So Mother is gonna take me to a temple. So we'll have good luck.
Normally, I wouldn't care. But right now, I'm fairly confident I will find a job soon. It's gonna be all on me. Except when I do get a job, Mother is going to believe it was because of her and her virtue that I get a job. I'm not going to get any credit for it. But I know it will have been from my effort. 100%. Mother just won't recognize it. She won't see that I try. She'll continue to believe that I don't do anything for myself.
Is it stupid that I'm upset about this?
She thinks all the good things that happen to our family is because of her virtue. All the bad things come from everyone else's vices.
I'm not upset. I'm angry.
She thinks prayers and blessings will help or save Brother. He's going to jail. His third DUI, caught speeding, while on probation. There's no getting around that. Why would any judge be lenient on him? I wouldn't. The only reason the last judge was lenient on Brother was because Mother had been in the courtroom bawling and the prosecutor took pity on her.
If prayers and blessings don't do shit, it's not Mother's fault. It's ours. If something bad happens next year, it's automatically due to the inherently wrong things within us, not her. Or we just didn't pray enough. Or we didn't listen to her and do as she said. We didn't care enough.
If we don't care, why does she have to care? I never said she had to care. Where did she get that idea? If she wants to stop caring, go ahead. Do it. I'm not the boss of her. If she wants to stop caring, who am I to stop her? But I know she can't help but care. So why is it our fault that she cares too much? Why does she have to complain that she has to care about us much?
Rawr. I just want to do things on my own. With the help of those who will help me when I ask for it. I don't ask for more than that. She throws her "help" into it and acts like it's the only help that will do anything for me. Even more than what I can do for myself.
She's so used to taking care of Brother and helping him out of his problems that she thinks I'm exactly like him. I am fucking sick and tired of her acting like and believing I am exactly like him. I am not my brother. What have I done that proves I'm just like him? Nothing! So why can't she see that?
She doesn't want to treat me any differently than she wants to treat him. What she does with me is what she wishes she could do with Brother. Lock him up in his room, yell at him for every minor problem, yell at him for everything that doesn't matter, control his movements, control his behavior, give him approval before he does anything.
Gahh! What kind of holiday spirits are we in? This feels like the worst spirit I've been in at this time of year.
I need to keep it together. But I feel like I'm going to snap. Or break down. I just want to break down. But I'm going to keep it together. That might mean I can't see anyone for a little while. Or maybe I should. Just to get away.
Please, just get through today. Tomorrow, I can try to get away.
I need distractions.
Later, Mother is going to take me to see a Buddhist monk or something. The monk told her that 2013 will be a bad year for me unless he blesses me. Someone's going to steal my car. Or rather, someone will dupe me into giving them my car.
So Mother is gonna take me to a temple. So we'll have good luck.
Normally, I wouldn't care. But right now, I'm fairly confident I will find a job soon. It's gonna be all on me. Except when I do get a job, Mother is going to believe it was because of her and her virtue that I get a job. I'm not going to get any credit for it. But I know it will have been from my effort. 100%. Mother just won't recognize it. She won't see that I try. She'll continue to believe that I don't do anything for myself.
Is it stupid that I'm upset about this?
She thinks all the good things that happen to our family is because of her virtue. All the bad things come from everyone else's vices.
I'm not upset. I'm angry.
She thinks prayers and blessings will help or save Brother. He's going to jail. His third DUI, caught speeding, while on probation. There's no getting around that. Why would any judge be lenient on him? I wouldn't. The only reason the last judge was lenient on Brother was because Mother had been in the courtroom bawling and the prosecutor took pity on her.
If prayers and blessings don't do shit, it's not Mother's fault. It's ours. If something bad happens next year, it's automatically due to the inherently wrong things within us, not her. Or we just didn't pray enough. Or we didn't listen to her and do as she said. We didn't care enough.
If we don't care, why does she have to care? I never said she had to care. Where did she get that idea? If she wants to stop caring, go ahead. Do it. I'm not the boss of her. If she wants to stop caring, who am I to stop her? But I know she can't help but care. So why is it our fault that she cares too much? Why does she have to complain that she has to care about us much?
Rawr. I just want to do things on my own. With the help of those who will help me when I ask for it. I don't ask for more than that. She throws her "help" into it and acts like it's the only help that will do anything for me. Even more than what I can do for myself.
She's so used to taking care of Brother and helping him out of his problems that she thinks I'm exactly like him. I am fucking sick and tired of her acting like and believing I am exactly like him. I am not my brother. What have I done that proves I'm just like him? Nothing! So why can't she see that?
She doesn't want to treat me any differently than she wants to treat him. What she does with me is what she wishes she could do with Brother. Lock him up in his room, yell at him for every minor problem, yell at him for everything that doesn't matter, control his movements, control his behavior, give him approval before he does anything.
Gahh! What kind of holiday spirits are we in? This feels like the worst spirit I've been in at this time of year.
I need to keep it together. But I feel like I'm going to snap. Or break down. I just want to break down. But I'm going to keep it together. That might mean I can't see anyone for a little while. Or maybe I should. Just to get away.
Please, just get through today. Tomorrow, I can try to get away.
I need distractions.
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
I need a job.
So I couldn't sleep until 1am this morning. Too much thinking. Just so much thought on finding work and moving out. I will move out on my own before next summer. I need to get out.
I've told Mother. I've told D. They know I need to move out. D supports me moving out when I'm ready. (I'm so mentally ready. Just need to be financially ready.) Mother is having second thoughts and doesn't want me to move out, except she does want me to move out. I'm getting mixed signals.
Mother has no confidence in me. She's completely afraid that I will get a job and lose it after two weeks. Who does she think I am? Brother? I am not Brother. I won't drink and drive. I won't screw my life up just so I can party, drink, and waste my money.
Mother is afraid once I lose my job, I'll be out on the street, since I wouldn't be able to move back in with her. Even if I was out on the street, I wouldn't move back in with her if I had the option. She's also afraid that when I move out, even if I'm successful, something bad will happen.
She's also worried about the immediate consequences of me moving out. Her Section 8 status will only include one person. She would either have to pay more to stay in a two-bedroom house or move into a one-bedroom apartment. I don't really see the problem. She could afford to pay more for the extra room since I wouldn't be her dependent. She doesn't need an extra room anyway. Really, if she has to move, she just needs to get rid of a lot of the junk she's collected over the years. She doesn't want to part with a lot of her things. She has A LOT of things. Most of which she doesn't remember.
I'm still clearing out my stuff so that it's easier for me to move out. Trying to make it so that I can transfer most of my things within a few medium-sized boxes at most.
Initial plan for when I move out: crash on Killol's couch. I've pretty much gotten his and Shiva's permission. I'm willing to give a week's pay to help a tiny bit with rent. My goal is to save up money so that I can rent a cheap room eventually. It's a simple plan. There are probably some kinks in it, but I'll work them out as I go along.
So I'm still applying for jobs. Once I get a job, part-time or full-time, I'll move out. I would have to leave most of my stuff with Mother until I can get my own place. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than three months. If I get a part-time job, then I'll look for a second job. If I somehow snag a full-time job right off the bat, then that would be amazing, and I could save more money.
Overall, I'm just hoping everything works out. I just want to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself. When my life seems stable and good, I can help out my family. But for now, I gotta focus on getting up on my own two feet.
Anyway, I'm looking for any kind of work I can get. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. I know what kind of jobs I'm looking for. One that requires little interaction with clients or customers. One that allows me to work with things and data. Working with my hands is fun. Essentially, I would prefer off-hours work, stocking, and data entry. Usually, I'm not qualified for anything though because employers often require recent and relevant work experience. That makes the search difficult since I'm looking for my first official job (no prior experience). Even more difficult since I've been applying for full-time jobs. But now, I'm looking for part-time too. After I've told Mother what I plan to do, I'm looking at everything.
I know I could apply for jobs that require customer interaction. And I do. But those employers never contact me except to say that my skills don't meet their criteria or they're not looking for someone with my skills at this time -_- And I'm not lying or embellishing my resume to get a job. I wouldn't be able to live up to it. I'm really bad at amping up my first impression. So I'm learning to just do me and see where that takes me. I'm quiet and reserved, and I'm not very fond of small talk. I'm starting from there. I could learn to get used to talking to strangers all the time, but that's the thing: I have to learn to get used to it. Employers don't want to wait for me to get used to it. They just want me to do it. I could, but it would be very awkward.
Really, I don't want to change how I am to impress employers. I'd rather wait and find a job that suits my personality more. Is that pathetic and lame? I've been told it is. I can't be picky. Not in this economy. Well, you know, employers are picky. And I know and they know that if the job doesn't suit my personality, I won't be the best employee they could find. And I'd rather not try to fool anyone into thinking I can be some person that I'm not. Especially in a professional environment.
And I've said this before. I'll say it again. I'm not career-oriented. I've learned that about myself. I don't think long-term about a career. I just can't. It's not in me to do so. I don't know what job I'm going to do or what job will make me happy. I think I would be happy no matter what job I find, as long as I'm not struggling day to day and I'm able to enjoy the small and big of everything in my life. A career is not for me. I could have a career, but I don't really care much about it.
Some people want a career for the money, the power, or the prestige. I don't care about the power or the prestige that may come along with a career. The money helps with living a sufficient life. But money comes with a job or a career. I just want stability and independence in my life, and money helps bring that stability and independence. So if a career can give me that, then all right! If not, then I'll move on to something that does.
Some people want a calling rather than a career. Who doesn't want to do something that calls to them and makes them happy? I currently have no calling. I don't know if I ever will. That's ok. I never thought I would ever feel motivated about anything, but this year I've had a few instances where motivation has hit me and it felt great. So it's possible I'll find my calling in the future.
So why am I saying all this? I don't know really. It's just been on my mind. Friends and strangers are constantly asking me what I do, what I want to do, what I plan to do, and where I am headed. I never really have an answer. I'm stuck. The answers are and have always been "I don't know." Back when the questions started in high school, I didn't know, and I wasn't making plans for my future. In college, it continued. It was only toward the end of college that I thought maybe I would like to go into the police academy. But I've continually changed my mind about it, feeling like I only chose it so that I could have an answer to all those questions. And now, that possibility is definitely out of my mind. No career appeals to me, and no career can cement its status as my aspiration.
I am just floating around until the world takes me somewhere I want to be. This lack of direction used to scare me. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. (I've witnessed and heard about everything that my peers have been able to do, and I've done nothing that could live up to what they've done.) Now, I'm embracing all that is me and all that is a part of me, lack of direction and all. And I'm waiting and thinking and taking in what I can get until I figure out how to mold and take the next step in my life.
I had so much more to say last night before I fell asleep. Sadly, I don't remember it. And I can't even finish my current thoughts. Must be the cold. It's making me too slow to keep up with the thoughts that stream through my head. Lost the rest of it. Oh well.
Hey, we're two days from the alleged end of the world. How awesome. Less than a week away from Christmas. Less than two weeks from 2013. What to do? What to do? Have fun? Sounds good!
I've told Mother. I've told D. They know I need to move out. D supports me moving out when I'm ready. (I'm so mentally ready. Just need to be financially ready.) Mother is having second thoughts and doesn't want me to move out, except she does want me to move out. I'm getting mixed signals.
Mother has no confidence in me. She's completely afraid that I will get a job and lose it after two weeks. Who does she think I am? Brother? I am not Brother. I won't drink and drive. I won't screw my life up just so I can party, drink, and waste my money.
Mother is afraid once I lose my job, I'll be out on the street, since I wouldn't be able to move back in with her. Even if I was out on the street, I wouldn't move back in with her if I had the option. She's also afraid that when I move out, even if I'm successful, something bad will happen.
She's also worried about the immediate consequences of me moving out. Her Section 8 status will only include one person. She would either have to pay more to stay in a two-bedroom house or move into a one-bedroom apartment. I don't really see the problem. She could afford to pay more for the extra room since I wouldn't be her dependent. She doesn't need an extra room anyway. Really, if she has to move, she just needs to get rid of a lot of the junk she's collected over the years. She doesn't want to part with a lot of her things. She has A LOT of things. Most of which she doesn't remember.
I'm still clearing out my stuff so that it's easier for me to move out. Trying to make it so that I can transfer most of my things within a few medium-sized boxes at most.
Initial plan for when I move out: crash on Killol's couch. I've pretty much gotten his and Shiva's permission. I'm willing to give a week's pay to help a tiny bit with rent. My goal is to save up money so that I can rent a cheap room eventually. It's a simple plan. There are probably some kinks in it, but I'll work them out as I go along.
So I'm still applying for jobs. Once I get a job, part-time or full-time, I'll move out. I would have to leave most of my stuff with Mother until I can get my own place. Hopefully, it wouldn't take more than three months. If I get a part-time job, then I'll look for a second job. If I somehow snag a full-time job right off the bat, then that would be amazing, and I could save more money.
Overall, I'm just hoping everything works out. I just want to live on my own and learn how to take care of myself. When my life seems stable and good, I can help out my family. But for now, I gotta focus on getting up on my own two feet.
Anyway, I'm looking for any kind of work I can get. Is that too much to ask for? Maybe. I know what kind of jobs I'm looking for. One that requires little interaction with clients or customers. One that allows me to work with things and data. Working with my hands is fun. Essentially, I would prefer off-hours work, stocking, and data entry. Usually, I'm not qualified for anything though because employers often require recent and relevant work experience. That makes the search difficult since I'm looking for my first official job (no prior experience). Even more difficult since I've been applying for full-time jobs. But now, I'm looking for part-time too. After I've told Mother what I plan to do, I'm looking at everything.
I know I could apply for jobs that require customer interaction. And I do. But those employers never contact me except to say that my skills don't meet their criteria or they're not looking for someone with my skills at this time -_- And I'm not lying or embellishing my resume to get a job. I wouldn't be able to live up to it. I'm really bad at amping up my first impression. So I'm learning to just do me and see where that takes me. I'm quiet and reserved, and I'm not very fond of small talk. I'm starting from there. I could learn to get used to talking to strangers all the time, but that's the thing: I have to learn to get used to it. Employers don't want to wait for me to get used to it. They just want me to do it. I could, but it would be very awkward.
Really, I don't want to change how I am to impress employers. I'd rather wait and find a job that suits my personality more. Is that pathetic and lame? I've been told it is. I can't be picky. Not in this economy. Well, you know, employers are picky. And I know and they know that if the job doesn't suit my personality, I won't be the best employee they could find. And I'd rather not try to fool anyone into thinking I can be some person that I'm not. Especially in a professional environment.
And I've said this before. I'll say it again. I'm not career-oriented. I've learned that about myself. I don't think long-term about a career. I just can't. It's not in me to do so. I don't know what job I'm going to do or what job will make me happy. I think I would be happy no matter what job I find, as long as I'm not struggling day to day and I'm able to enjoy the small and big of everything in my life. A career is not for me. I could have a career, but I don't really care much about it.
Some people want a career for the money, the power, or the prestige. I don't care about the power or the prestige that may come along with a career. The money helps with living a sufficient life. But money comes with a job or a career. I just want stability and independence in my life, and money helps bring that stability and independence. So if a career can give me that, then all right! If not, then I'll move on to something that does.
Some people want a calling rather than a career. Who doesn't want to do something that calls to them and makes them happy? I currently have no calling. I don't know if I ever will. That's ok. I never thought I would ever feel motivated about anything, but this year I've had a few instances where motivation has hit me and it felt great. So it's possible I'll find my calling in the future.
So why am I saying all this? I don't know really. It's just been on my mind. Friends and strangers are constantly asking me what I do, what I want to do, what I plan to do, and where I am headed. I never really have an answer. I'm stuck. The answers are and have always been "I don't know." Back when the questions started in high school, I didn't know, and I wasn't making plans for my future. In college, it continued. It was only toward the end of college that I thought maybe I would like to go into the police academy. But I've continually changed my mind about it, feeling like I only chose it so that I could have an answer to all those questions. And now, that possibility is definitely out of my mind. No career appeals to me, and no career can cement its status as my aspiration.
I am just floating around until the world takes me somewhere I want to be. This lack of direction used to scare me. It made me feel ashamed and embarrassed. (I've witnessed and heard about everything that my peers have been able to do, and I've done nothing that could live up to what they've done.) Now, I'm embracing all that is me and all that is a part of me, lack of direction and all. And I'm waiting and thinking and taking in what I can get until I figure out how to mold and take the next step in my life.
I had so much more to say last night before I fell asleep. Sadly, I don't remember it. And I can't even finish my current thoughts. Must be the cold. It's making me too slow to keep up with the thoughts that stream through my head. Lost the rest of it. Oh well.
Hey, we're two days from the alleged end of the world. How awesome. Less than a week away from Christmas. Less than two weeks from 2013. What to do? What to do? Have fun? Sounds good!
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