There's no car plan.

So the car is now registered under D's name (and I'm gonna call him D again because I can't get used to B haha), just like the Avalon is. He's gonna add it into his insurance so that I can drive it too.

My mom hella hates the car because it's old and beat up -_- At least it works. She wants us to sell the car to the government.

And now she and D are arguing because of the fucking car..

She needs to shut the fuck up.. Only reason D ever yells is because she fuckin yells first. Blowing shit out of proportion..

I wish I could tell her to stop bitching. Bitching makes other people just as bitchy as you are. We don't need this.

I just need a car. The Cressida is a car. It's old, and it's got problems. What car wouldn't? It can just be a temporary ride until we can afford a better car. We've established that already. She already agreed. Yet, she's still gonna muck up the fuckin conversation.

Grr. I hate being angry. Especially about something as stupid as this. As stupid as she's making the situation. Why can't she just calm the fuck down and accept the car? Temporary. That's all. If it gets into an accident or it breaks down, obviously I won't drive it anymore.

I don't really care what kinda car it is, as long as I can get myself to places. That's the part she doesn't get. It's not safe, I know. But getting into any car is never completely safe. There are always risks. The chances of surviving those risks varies.

Haha she needs to take a chill pill. HappySlip must make those chill pills real.


Anyway, back to what I was originally going to say before people starting arguing.

I'll start driving the car, getting used to it. Use it when I need it, yada yada. Not sure if we'll still have this car in a year or so. But that doesn't matter. Just a temporary solution to my ride situation. Things will work themselves out over time. We just gotta be patient and wait for things to come.

Hmm, it's a RWD, so I'll have to get used to that as well. I have only driven FWD cars. Apparently, RWDs skid more easily. Yay drifting :P hahaha.

Hm, I was gonna say something else about the car, but I don't remember XP We'll just see what happens with the car. For all I know, we might sell the car and buy a Civic or something. Whatever, I really don't care, as long as I get to drive myself most of the time.


It's the weekend. Hopefully, I get some homework done. At least get started on the big assignments. I need to. Only 2.5 weeks left of school. Lots of work. And finals. Ugh. I'll probably pull 2 or 3 all-nighters in the next two weeks for my homework -_- Damn my laziness haha.

And today is the VSA/Key Club game day. I hope I get to go. But she's probably gonna yell at me. When she's pissed about one thing, she gets pissed about everything and tries to find an excuse to stay angry. So fucked up. But whatever. I'll deal.

I really don't know why she keeps complaining. She's worried about wasting money on the car because we do have to change or fix a few small things for it to be better functionally. What she doesn't seem to get is that we basically got the car for free. Of course, if we get an old, free car, there's gonna be problems. No fuckin duh. The amount of money we put into the car will be just about the same as if we had bought a $2-3,000 car. If the amount goes over 2,000, we can sell the fuckin car and get a new one. It's all possible. So she needs to stop bitching.

It's the appearance of the car that gets to her. She keeps complaining about that too. Fuck. It's just a car. "Girls don't drive this car." Well, I'm me, not girls. I could care less.

Gah, I wish she would just shut up. We got it. We got what she's saying. Why does she feel the need to repeat herself OVER AND FUCKIN OVER?? Ugh..

I need some quiet time. I have to get out. I need quiet. I need silence. I need calm. Quiet, silence, calm, peace, no emotion. Please. I don't want to feel like this all the time. Ugh. And I still really need to do my homework, but how can I concentrate when she keeps interrupting my work just so she can bitch?

Grr. We need to stop being so angry. Over a damn car. How much more idiotic can we get, really?

Am I finally getting my own car?

It's apparently a very complicated process.

Short story: My brother's friend gave him an old silver '88 Toyota Cressida. My brother obviously can't drive any time soon with his record. So the logical thing to do is give me the car, so that I can drive without waiting for my mom. We just don't know how all the legal stuff is gonna work yet.

Transferring names, settling insurance stuff, etc etc. Complicated.


4:49 PM Edit: So I went to see the car. Damn, my brother was not kidding when he said the car was hella beat up haha. Dents, shredded backseat, no radio/speakers, no A/C. Needs new tires too. But at least it's still in working condition (it's still got power). I don't really care what it looks like as long as it works and no one's gonna jack it. And I'm hoping no one's gonna jack a 21-year-old car :P We're barely gonna put money into it. Just enough to make it work and be comfortable during the summer and such.

I hope I get this car. The alternative option is we sell it for $500. If I get this car, I would no longer have to rely on my mom for rides. I don't have to wait! haha. Plus, I can go to school later in the day.

The only reason I've been going to school at 9 every day was because it didn't conflict with my mom's stuff.

I've been saying I need a car. Really just for convenience. If I could, I would ride my bike everywhere, but apparently that's not convenient or safe -_- So car it is.

I don't think I was very excited when my brother told me about the car. I was just like whatever, that's cool. But after like half an hour, I started to perk up because my own car would finally mean some independence and freedom. I can drive myself places. I only have to ask my mom if I can go somewhere. I don't really need to ask anyone for a ride anymore, unless I'm carpooling.

Oh, the benefits are great. I just hope I don't get disappointed.

I just really want to get to places on my own. I don't wanna keep relying on my mom driving me everywhere. And I seriously don't care if my car looks ghetto or whatever. It's transportation. Hopefully, cheap enough.

Anyway, yeah, fun stuff. Haha I can get myself to places at any time almost. Still need to ask for permission I guess XP But yeah. I can take my time, instead of worry about how long I have to wait or how long I'm gonna make my mom wait for me.

I hope this all works out. It would make life a little easier. Faster. Less contentious. I wouldn't have to sit through one of my mom's silent treatments or whatever moods. At least not as often as I do now. That is definitely an upside to this car. Please let this car be a good car. Few repairs and all. Even though it's over 20 years old. I just want as little trouble as possible. Cheap as possible haha because I don't work yet. Maybe I'll manage to get a job for the summer XP haha. That would be amazing. More independence. I wouldn't rely on my mom for too much. I could contribute.

Ahh, I'm happy for now. Just the promise of my own ride is a nice and comforting thought. I would still have to drive my brother around, but it's all good. It's because of him and his friend that I might get a car. I don't have to wait.

Can you tell that I'm excited about not waiting too much anymore? haha. I can save time and stuff like that. It's just easier. Or it seems like it. I hope it will be.

And hey, I can repay all the people who has ever given me a ride by offering rides when they need them :D I hate that the only way I can repay is buy them food. My mom never wanted to drive my friends anywhere, and I always felt hella bad for it because my friends always gave me rides. My way of showing gratitude, yeah? haha.

Mm, don't know what else to say. Not much to say, I guess. I hope I won't be disappointed. It happens too often in my opinion haha. My mom or brother promise me something and then take it back. It sucks. I try not to look forward to stuff too much because I don't like what usually happens. I can only hope things will be good. And I know my brother will probably take the car back for himself in one or two years. And that's ok with me. As long as I can drive myself for a while, it's all good. Just don't take the car away from me immediately.

Hmm, we'll see what happens.
No stupid shit, please.
No take-backs, you-don't-deserve-it's, or whatever.
No bullshit.


9:28 PM Edit: I failed to mention that my brother will probably drive the car when my mom's not home -__- So much for it being just my car XP haha whatever. As long as I get first priority, it's all good.

Deleted two

Ok, so I just deleted my Myspace. I just decided to do it. No more stalling. Now, I'm waiting for the liberated feeling to kick in :P

I'm sure the feeling will kick in tomorrow or the day after. No more logging on. Woo. Just got AIM, Gmail, and Blogger. Yeah. Fun stuff.

Ok, back to work.

Deleted one

Well, I deleted my Facebook. I don't feel liberated yet haha. But I received a couple of people's contact info, so it's all good. No more Facebook addiction. I just have to get used to not logging on anymore.

I will probably delete my Myspace tonight or tomorrow. Depends on if Vicky ever replies. She better.

After I delete my Myspace, I won't have anything to be addicted to, except for AIM (though, I don't log on as much anymore. I should though, I guess) and gmail.


Hmm, ST VSA and Key Club are having a game day thing at Cahalan Park on Friday to raise money for Relay for Life, I think. I wanna go :D I might, but I have my Anthropology Q&A session this Friday. I don't remember what time. We'll see if I go. I wanna chill with the youngin's haha.

Maggie invited me up to Davis on Friday too, but my mom is not gonna let me go because she's hella paranoid right now. Stuff happened yesterday morning at 2, and yeah, not good. Extra paranoia, especially since it seems the police won't/can't do anything. <-- I was gonna update about yesterday, but I didn't know what to say :/ Oh well.

There's gonna be something else happening on Friday, but I don't remember. But yeah, I'll most likely go to the game day at the park just to show some love and support. And Maggie, maybe I'll visit you in Davis during the summer since you're gonna stay up there XP


Anyway, I have two big essays to work on for the next two weeks. Lots of reading needing to be done before I can actually start writing. 47 pages of legal schtuff T-T Soo not cool. I'm sure I'm gonna be putting off both essays until the last minute again -_- It's just in my nature haha. Plus, the heat isn't really helping me. I feel soo tired and lazy (more than usual).

I'm trying to get some homework done right now. English stuff. I just need a day or two, where I don't have any homework. That way, I can do all the reading I need to do before I start writing the papers. Oh, that would be marvellous!


And you know what? All weekend, I was thinking there's four weeks of school left. But really it's only 3!! Amazing. I don't know how I could miscount the weeks. Unless I was including the week of my last final haha. Yeaah, I don't know.


Important school dates:

Anth Q&A Session -- 4/24
Poli Sci Oral Argument -- 5/5
Poli Sci Final Paper -- 5/7
English Final -- 5/9
English Essay 5 -- 5/12
Last Day of Instruction -- 5/13
EDCO Final -- 5/15
Anth Final -- 5/18


After my Anthro final, I'm gonna go visit ST. Chyeah! Well, sometime after it, possibly with Albert and Lisa. Maybe other people. We'll see.


I can't believe our first year of college is almost over. Crazy, just crazy. It went by so fast. So much has happened, yet not enough has.

The summer shall be better. I hope. I hope my friends will make things better haha. Then next year shall be better. I'll participate more.

I always say I'll participate more later, but then I don't haha. But I will try, fa sho. I'll join VSA and do more. I'll join QTIP. I'll make more friends on campus. I need more friends. I feel like such a loner haha. I definitely need to get to know more people. Get me a girlfriend and I'll be happy hahaha :P

I just need more friends to hang out with. Don't have to be from SJSU. I just need to chill with people. I need fun, in any way, shape, or form.


3 more weeks. I'm happy about that. I'm just not happy about all the work I have to do in the next 3 weeks XP Soo much. It's all crammed in. I don't know how I'm gonna survive haha. Maybe I'll make it through with all-nighters and caffeine, and then the day after the last final, I'll just crash real hard. Then I'll be back to normal haha.


And oh my gahhh.. I can feel the heat radiating from my body -__- So glad it's gonna be back in the 70's tomorrow. I like cooler air.

Ok, back to work. Then sleep. I'm probably not gonna get a start on my reading until the weekend. Damn my laziness.

Delete delete delete...

I feel like getting rid of my Myspace and Facebook.

I originally got a Myspace to listen to new music and later a Facebook to keep in touch with my friends.

I don't do much of either anymore.

If I get rid of them, I will pretty much lose touch with everyone I used to talk to. But I don't talk to anyone enough for them to notice if my pages just disappeared. I wonder if anyone would say anything. I mean, it's not that important. And I'm really only messaging with one person, and that's Karissa, whom I have met but never spoken to. Everyone else I've been exchanging messages with online hasn't been replying for a long time.

I don't go on AIM very often anymore. People don't log on much or say much to me. Everyone's on Facebook. Got some people on Myspace occasionally.

It's sad that social networks are the only way I keep in touch with people. Then again, we're all separated, and I'm not a phone person. So it makes sense to use Myspace and Facebook to talk to them. And everything is online now, all on FB and stuff. Information about events, birthdays, everyday stuff. They're all updated on Facebook. I delete Fb; I delete my social planner.

I don't know why this feels like such a big decision. It's just Myspace and Facebook. This shouldn't be such a major decision. There are people who can live without these websites. Why can't I?

I hate that we're so dependent on the Internet to maintain our friendships. I know it's my fault that I feel alone. But I feel like my spending time on those websites contributes to my loneliness. I'm always waiting for messages, sitting in front of this desktop and hoping for a reply. I don't like that I log on just to check for messages and comments. That's all I do, and I usually am not satisfied.

I really dislike Myspace and Facebook. However, if I delete my accounts, I will lose touch with the people I've already lost touch with. They're all just faces on the screen now. I hate that.

I think... I will delete my accounts by June. I'll have to ponder this some more. What a dumb thing to be hung up on, but this is the concern of a dumb teenager.


In a way, this is like me losing touch with society. Society is disappointing. I'm disappointing. I'm separating the disappointments? No. I'm losing touch with my old self and being pulled into the future that is now.


Ah, how am I gonna delete my accounts? I have letting-go issues. It was so difficult for me to delete my old Xanga back in 8th grade. I haven't been able to delete Myspace for the past two years (yeah, I've been thinking about it for that long). I have trouble deleting friends from my pages. I always seem to think that if I delete them, they're gonna be gone from my life forever. Or I think if I leave them there, they might one day talk to me again. But they don't talk to me anymore. They don't even reply when I try.

When I delete friends, I always wish that we will one day speak again, like we used to or like we should... Yeah, I think I've got some serious problems in the head.


I think I will try to delete my accounts. Within the next 2 months. I hope it will be liberating and not too painful haha.



And gosh, I really wish my headache would go away :(

There is no inherent value in the dollar.

If I didn't do things to try to impress people, I don't know what I would be doing.

I've been extremely tired lately. I'm too tired to focus on my work. So I wait for the burst of energy that will get me through my work. I want sleep, but I don't give myself much time for it. I feel like if I stay awake, then I'll get my homework done. But that is definitely not the case. I keep putting my work off until the last minute.

I just need a day where my energy level isn't so low, and I can just get all the work I can out of the way. Weekends would seem to be the best times for this, but I'm just as lazy on weekends. Instead, I wait for someone to invite me to something because I want to get out. I should just get out.


Hmm, so money. The dollar. What about it? I think it's stupid. No, I don't. It's just a piece of linen/cotton/whatever paper. How can paper be stupid?

It's people that are stupid when it comes to money. Money does not have any inherent value. We give it value. We do stupid things for the value that (we believe) exists in money. Why? Because we are idiots and we choose to.

What's worse is that we allow the amount of money we have determine what kinda person that we are. Or that we think we are. Money can only tell us so much about a person. "Classless society" is a utopia. We do not live in a utopia.


Ugh, I'm too exhausted. I keep skipping and omitting words. I just wanted to say that though money facilitates trading of services and goods, people have lost sight of the intentions of the monetary system. We've taken convenience for granted and have made a stronger outlet for greed to come through. I mean, it's easier to steal cash and credit than it is to steal a stereo, clothes, and food.

You steal the stereo; you can sell it. You steal the clothes or the food; you can use/eat them. You steal money; you can spend it on anything. At least when you steal food, you know it's because you're starving. When you steal money, it could be you're hungry, but it could also be you're just too damn selfish.

But hey, who am I to judge?


I'm just feeling down. Reading about people's hardships makes me feel even worse. I can't do anything to help them. I can't even help myself. My mind is feeling so grrr..


Hmm, so I have 9 resolutions left to attempt. The rest I have either accomplished or given up on. I did ten. I took out 4 that I thought were too pointless or hopeless.

1. Choose a major.
2. Meditate at least 15 minutes a day.
5. Get a job.
11. Make at least one YouTube video.
14. Learn how to play a new instrument.
16. Remain calm in all situations.
18. Reconnect and keep in touch with friends.
19. Learn how to read and write Vietnamese better.
22. Stop bringing myself down with my own words.

About half of these are pretty hopeless too, but I'll just leave them there for now.

And I've kinda regressed on the 15 hrs/wk thing for the computer. I'll get back on it in a week or so haha. Hopefully, I will >_>

And I want to add "Get a girlfriend" back to the list haha, even though I had reasoned that it was really hopeless. I've just been feeling more and more alone, especially seeing all these new couples spring up (reminds me of the start of soph year right after Kevin and Rose got together). I just wish I had someone here for me. I just want to be there for someone else too. Well, whether I add it to the list or not, I'm already thinking about it haha.

Even if I think about it, it's not gonna happen. I'm just... too nice. Oh well, I never think highly of myself anyway. I don't know how anyone else would either.


Haha I'm so negative today.

Forget everything that we have done

Erase me
From your memory
Don't call
Don't ask about me until the day hell freezes over

New Found Glory is awesome.


I noticed that I haven't posted anything in about a week. Well, not much has happened. Still feeling the same as usual -__-

But I talked to my Poli Sci prof about the midterm. I'm making it up next Tuesday on campus. No disruptions hopefully. No crappy conditions either. I can't fail.

I have 5 weeks of classes left. And also finals. Three finals and a final paper. Fun stuff. At least I'll be done with school in the middle of May. I can go visit ST after finals. By that time, AP exams should be over, and I won't interfere with their finals.

I hope this summer will be memorable. Last summer was supposed to be memorable, but it wasn't really too interesting. A few fun things, but I didn't go out much. Not surprising. But this year, I want to get out more. Staying home so much makes me feel hella crappy. I'll remember to ride my bike. Or jog. Do something. Outside. I need to get outside.

I hope people invite me to hella stuff too haha. Though, I know some people are coming back to SJ for a little bit and then going back to school for summer session or work :( But the rest of the friends should be around. I want to make new friends to chill with. I haven't really made any new friends. At least not any to hang out with. Only people I really talk to now are a few classmates who went to ST with me: Albert B, Lisa H, Melissa A, Michelle R, and Austin C. But I only talk to them during class and maybe a while after our classes end.

I miss talking to my close friends. We were close in high school. Now, I see them once in a while. Even those that live so close. We're not so close at all. Or so it seems. I don't even know what's going on with people anymore. I'm getting news about people months after stuff happen.

I need to make new friends. ^They have made new, good friends. I should too. I need to get out more.

Words, words, words. I don't do anything. I'm just made of words and thoughts. No action. Mm.. I've been wanting to go to the movies, but no one's been responding. I should just wait for people to invite me to things. That's easier. I'm looking for the easy way. I always wait. So passive, non-assertive. Where's my motivation to step up? I can't even motivate myself -_- So lame.

Yeah, I'm being negative. Losing that resolution. I'm trying not to, but it's really hard when I don't do anything. When I try to do stuff, my mom just yells at me. I don't know why I bother with anything. Just school and home. Should keep it at that. Makes her happy. Less contention. Yeah.

Conflicted.

I'm getting my edumacation done?

I don't want to be in school. I'm just not feeling it. I feel dumb every time I go to school. Being surrounded by people who are ambitious, who are trying. I'm not ambitious or trying. What am I? I'm a student. Yeah, I'm a student. Doesn't mean I should be there. Yeah, I usually get good grades. Doesn't mean I'm intelligent.

College is supposed to open new doors and help us find new opportunities. Only if we try. I'm not trying. I don't know if I want to try. I haven't been trying. I've just been waiting for an opportunity. Actually, I don't know if I'm even looking for opportunities. I'm not looking to surpass or improve myself.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I've realized something though: I'm not going to college for me. At least I don't feel like I am. I'm going to college for my mom, my family. I'm doing what I do for her, them. Only time I do anything for me is when I get out of the house, away from obligations, stress, and family. But I don't get out often. Is it bad that I think like this? I can't help it.

I doubt myself a lot. I know. Apparently, it's a self-preservation mechanism. No disappointments, yeah? But I'm disappointed anyway.

I wish I knew what I was doing. I wish I knew where my life could be headed. I wish I could figure out what to do with my life. I want to see or imagine my future. Other people have an idea of their futures: Doctors, computer programmers, teachers, artists, writers, etc. When I think about my future, I see nothing. Literally. It's a blank thought. Not even an inkling. No tendencies toward anything. I don't know what I'm gonna do when it comes time to choose a path. I don't know what I'm doing.

If I think about a future career, all I can think of are the conditions or whatever. I don't want to work with people, like customers. I'd prefer to work alone or with a few people. I don't want to work around many people, which is so contradictory because I want to be around people. I don't know what I really want.

I think I'll just be happy with a simple job, so I don't have to stress about any intricacies of anything. Simple living haha. I think too much. I just don't want to think too much all the time.

The inconsistencies in my character really mess with my head. I don't know anything. I want, but I don't want. I'm soo conflicted--I still don't know the right word to describe this feeling I've been having for the past 4 years; I just say "conflicted."


Anyway, I've been having a crappy day. Started off crappy and didn't get any better. I wasted a day in front of the computer, playing Sudoku. So much for staying off the computer. And I still have an English essay to revise. It's due in two days. Grr. I'll be staying up late tomorrow night to finish. What fun. And I don't know what I'm gonna do about my Poli Sci midterm. Might as well just leave it alone and hope that I pass with a C in that class.

I can't wait for school to end and for summer to start. Though, I don't know how much better my summer is gonna be. I should try to ride my bike. I should.

I need to feel better. I wish someone would just help me. Force me to do better. But that someone can only be me, yeah? Mm. I'm just letting myself float around in the pool of education haha. I could never tread on my own. I'm not gonna try to tread on my own. I'm weak in that way. That's why I tell people they're strong, at least stronger than me. They tread or try to. I just hang onto something to stay afloat.

Sometimes, I wish I would just let go...

I'm always the single one...

Or that's what it feels like when I'm with my friends. People hooking up, dating, and all that. I feel so left behind -__-

So I found out from Autumn today that a girl (from the "Why am I still thinking about her?" entry) is dating the guy that she had told me she liked. Figures. I already made that assumption because her last status update on Myspace about a month ago said she felt adored and his Facebook said he's in a relationship. Mm. Well, that's cool. It's just weird because I could never imagine him in a relationship haha :P

I just notice something about all the "serious" crushes I had on girls. Those girls, after I "move on," get into relationships relatively soon after. Autumn called me a good luck charm. Chyeah, for other people -__- Not for me. I've yet to meet anyone with whom I have a mutual interest.

I'm such a loser. I feel like I'm never gonna find that someone for me :( My friends are always kissing and hugging their boos, and I feel so alone.

I really suck, for feeling like this. I do this to myself. Bah!

I need happy thoughts. I need a best friend. Hah, never gonna happen. I can't open up. I want someone to open me up. I can't do it alone.

When I think of the perfect girlfriend, I see someone who motivates and encourages me to do better. But she doesn't force me to do too much of anything I don't want to do. She just pushes me enough to get where I should get to. She wants to hang out with me every day, but she wouldn't keep me from doing my work. She makes sure I get work done before we hang out. She wants me to do well in school for myself. She encourages me to try hard in school and in life. She knows exactly when to kiss and hug me. She likes to cuddle and watch movies with me. She doesn't get mad when I can't be with her all the time. She sees my flaws, but she loves me anyway. She just makes me happy whenever she's around. We could say not a word, and I feel like we've had one of the most meaningful conversations ever. Her presence would just overwhelm me with warmth and fuzziness haha.

I just want someone to love, to hold, to fill in the space between my arms. Make me feel at home.


Home is where the heart is,
But I don't know where mine is.


I'm actually feeling the songs "Suffocate" by J. Holiday. I love that song. I want to feel that way about a girl. And "Differences" by Ginuwine and a couple more haha. Love songs. I wish I could relate to love songs.

How do you know one of your friends isn't suicidal?

I've been reading forums and stuff. There are a lot of people who make fun of those who commit or attempt suicide. They laugh and call them names. It pisses me off.

People need help.


If you're one of those who laugh, why? What's so funny about people who can't cope with their pain? What if one of your closest friends were having thoughts about suicide? Would you still be laughing? You might say none of your friends think those kinds of thoughts, but how would you know? You're too busy making fun of people to notice anything's wrong. And if your friend really does have those thoughts, why would he turn to you if he thinks you're gonna laugh at him too?

Depression can happen to anyone. Just because it doesn't affect you doesn't mean that everyone else it affects is weak or is a loser or whatever. They've got problems, and they need help. Your friends need your help. (Btw, I see everyone as a potential friend. When you turn someone away because you think they're weak, then you are weak because you don't have the strength to help them.)


There are also people who say that the suicidal are self-centered or attention-whores. Some, maybe. Not all. If they wanted attention, the suicidal wouldn't succeed in killing themselves. Attention after death isn't really worth a damn to the dead. They're dead. For some people, they just want to get away from their pain. That's understandable. When we're in pain, we try to get away from the pain. You touch something that burns, you jerk your hand away immediately. That's a given. When life feels painful, death is the easiest "reaction."

I guess, we could also say that some suicides are to get attention, who really knows? Yeah, we have psychologists who might say that; but these are just assumptions or theories (A lot of what we say about things is assumption or theory, not undeniable truth). Attention, yeah, people might want others to finally notice their pain but only after they die. I don't know, seems to me that it depends on how and where they choose to die. Like, if they commit suicide in a public area, like a school, they seem to really want to say, "I couldn't take it anymore. See this? I'm dead. It's your/someone else's fault."

Of course, I'm just stating what I think. I don't know for sure. I've never known anyone who committed suicide. At least I don't think I have.

And it seems people tend to choose their final resting place to be where they experienced most of their pain. It seems rare that they choose to die where they felt at peace when they were alive. Of course, I'm only basing this off of the stories that have been publicized in the newspapers and such.

"Self-centered." Yeah. I guess we could call them that. They're only thinking about their pain. They're not thinking about other people's pain. But apparently, other people aren't thinking about the pain of the suicidal either. Emotional or psychological pain could be just as bad as the physical pain that people in third world countries endure. How would you know? Do you know the pain that either groups of people experience? The emotional, psychological, or physical? How can you compare one person's pain to another's?

People have different pain tolerances. Some people would prefer emotional pain to physical. Others, vice versa. You cannot say one person's suffering is worse than another's. You can't even say that one person's suffering is non-existent. Who are you to decide who really is feeling pain or not? It's not your pain. No one can decide your pain, so you shouldn't be saying crap about others'.


Sorry, I can't get everything out of my head onto the screen... ahh...


If we could prevent every possible suicide, would this be a happier world? Who knows? Would the pain all go away?

If we don't prevent suicides, would this be a happier world? Who knows? Happy people would stay alive, yeah? Wouldn't that be happier?


We all die sooner or later. What's so wrong about dying sooner rather than later? "You have your whole life ahead of you." What does that mean? Do you mean it when you say it?


Ahh, I give up. I don't know where I'm going with this. I started off being ticked about the mockers and the idiots. I just wished they would listen before they start insulting people they don't know. Mock your friends because your friends understand you. Don't mock strangers, they might kill you.

Damn..

I hate feeling the way I do. I need to stop feeling this way so much.

Canceled plans two days in a row. I planned to hang out at Monterey's house yesterday, but she had too much homework and a dentist appointment. So we were gonna hang out today, but she's not home. Yesterday, it was ok because I rode my bike instead. But today, I don't know what to do. And my thoughts are getting to me..


And I think I might fail my Poli Sci class because I forgot to take the midterm last Thursday. I don't have an excuse. Thursday, my mom yelled at me, and I shut out the world. I don't have an excuse. Damn. I don't want to tell my professor the reason that I didn't take my midterm was because I was angry and distracted. She doesn't need to know that. I wish I had forgotten for a better reason. I don't have a reason to make up the midterm. Even if I told her the reason, I don't have proof. What physical evidence is there of anger and yelling?

I'm going to fail. I don't want to fail. I can't fail. My mom's going to kill me. I can't deal with this. I need to stop thinking. I'm feeling worse and worse with every thought. I wish Spring Break could last another two weeks. I wouldn't have to deal with school just yet. Last forever; I wouldn't have to deal with it at all.

I used to be a poet...

I used to be creative. I lost my creativity. It's disheartening. I lose a lot of things. I wish I hadn't lost my poetic and creative side. I used to write a lot. Always a rhyme in my head. No one ever saw it. Except my schoolteachers. But I kinda limited myself when writing for school. The only evidence I have of my former creativity are a few poems I wrote for Mrs Harter's English class in 7th grade. And a few from Mrs Thomas' class in 9th grade. None of my other English teachers ever focused on creative writing as much those two did. It makes me sad. Everything's so analytical now. It breaks my heart.

I don't even analyze well. I take too long to see things sometimes. Why can't I just see what I see? Why do I always have to look for more? I'll look for more when I feel like it. I always have to stretch to see what others see. I feel so short -_-haha...

Anyway, I had thought that I had posted my old poems on LJ, but I didn't. So I'll put them all here. Mind you, these are the works of a 7th grader. Mistakes (in spelling and word choice) are rampant, and meanings are clear and fuzzy. I feel so lame reading through them now. They're not that goodXP But eh -shrug- And some of the poems are modeled after those of famous poets because that was the goal of the exercise or whatever. And for some reasons I don't remember, all my 7th-grade poems are completely capitalized.


RAIN IS
RAIN
IS
DROP LET
S SW EET
POS IT
IVE PURPLES
SOO THI
NG BLU
EBE RRI
ES.


ALL AR OUND,
LI
FE THR IVES TO
SU R
VIVE TR
OUB LES


THE GRASSES ARE
THE
GRAS SES ARE
F AMI LIES GOR
GEO US LIVI NG YELL
OWS DESI
RO US LI
MES.

ABO VE, INSE
CTS SPR E ADIN
G PO
LL
EN



MY BODY IS FULL OF PAIN.
I FEEL LIKE WEEPING
'CAUSE MOM SAYS BIG BRO IS DISDAIN
MY LIFE'S A MISERY.
IT FEELS LIKE TREACHERY.

I WANT TO EXPRESS
WHAT I FEEL IS BEST.
MY HEART CAN TAKE NO MORE.
IT'S MAKING ME SO SORE.

I BELIEVE I WANT TO BLESS,
BUT I GUESS I AM TO STRESS.
FOR MY FAMILY'S SAKE, I PRAY
THAT WE WILL SURVIVE ANOTHER DAY.

CAN I TRUST NOBODY?
WHY IS MY LIFE SO UNFAIR?
I AM LOOKED UPON WITH A GLARE.

I FEEL I NEED TO DISAPPEAR
BEFORE I CAN SHED A TEAR.
I WANT MY FAMILY TO LOVE,
TO HUG EACH OTHER,
TO PUT EACH OTHER ABOVE.

MY MOM PUTS ME AND MY BRO IN FRIGHT
SO WHY DO WE SLEEP AT HOME AT NIGHT?
I NEED TO RUN AWAY FROM HOME,
BUT MY MOM WILL BE ALL ALONE.

TONY, MY BIG BRO,
WILL EASILY LET GO.
HE HAS BEEN A FOOL
SO MY MOM DOES NOT TRUST HIM
HE IS NO LONGER A HANDY TOOL,
BUT WHY IS TONY SO GRIM?

I WISH I COULD GIVE A CHEER,
BUT EVERYTHIN'S SO UNCLEAR.
EVERY LOVE BONE
HAS GONE TO THE UNKNOWN.

HOW SICK AM I?
HOW DO PEOPLE GO THROUGH WHAT I DO?
PEOPLE CHOOSE WHAT THEY WANT TO,
BUT WHY DO I CHOOSE TO LIE?

LOVE SHOULD BE BETTER LOST
THAN IT IS TO COST.

I WANT MY FAMILY TO SURVIVE
SO GIVE MY FAMILY ANOTHER TRY.



MOM'S CHANGE OF HEART
HAS TAKEN HER PART.
WILL SHE EVER LOVE US AGAIN?
THERE IS NO TRUTH IN WHAT I HEAR.
THEN WHY DO I REGARD IN FEAR?

IS IT WHAT'S INSIDE
THAT'S HOLDING MY PRIDE?
I WANT MOM TO HOLD ME
AND TELL EVERYTHING'S ALL RIGHT.
I SEE HER SIGHT,
BUT I CAN'T TELL MYSELF SHE'S THERE.

RUNNING TO HER IN GLEE,
IS WHAT I WANT TO SEE.
LIFE'S NOT FAIR, IS IT?
I DON'T WANT THIS LIFE TO DIE,
SO PLEASE GIVE IT ANOTHER TRY.
I NEED SOMEONE ELSE'S TO VISIT.

I WANT SOMEONE WHO WOULD HOLD ME IN HER ARMS.
PLEASE GRANT ME THIS WANT
AND IN RETURN,
I'LL LEARN.
I KNOW I AM GAUNT.
AT LEAST I KNOW WHAT I WANT.


WHY
(MAKING UP A SONG, PREFERABLY A RAP)
WHY IS IT SO HARD TO LIVE?
WITH ALL WE HAVE TO GIVE,
IS THIS ALL WE GET BACK?
THE SUN CAN ONLY SHINE.
THE SUN CAN ATTACK.
THERE IS NO USE TO WHINE,
SO WHY CAN'T WE BE FINE?
TREASON IS ON THE OPPONENT'S SIDE
AND IT'S ON OURS TOO.
THERE'S NOTHING TO HIDE,
SO WHY DON'T I HAVE PRIDE?
I HAVE NOTHING TO LOSE,
BUT MAYBE, JUST MAYBE
MY SUPERIOR MODESTY.
ABE LINCOLN WASN'T AFRAID.
HE CAME TO OUR NATION'S AID,
SO HE MUST BE A GOOD MAN.
LINCOLN PROBABLY ALWAYS HAD CONFIDENCE.
PLUS, A PLAN,
TO FIGHT BACK AGAINST SO-CALLED POLITICS.
WHY CAN'T ABRAHAM BE HERE TO HELP US?
IS EVERYTHING AGAINST US?
OUR NATION'S DYIN',
INSTEAD OF FLYIN'.
THIS IS SERIOUS!
WHY CAN'T I BE DELIRIOUS
TO MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY,
OR TO DIE ANOTHER DAY?
I'M INTOXICATED!
I CAN'T BREATHE
I CAN'T LEAVE!
I'M BEING DICTATED!


THE SONG OF FEAR
CREEPING IN THE DARK,
EVIL HAS LEFT ME WITH A MARK.
GOING DOWN THE STAIRS,
I WISH I HAD PROTECTION.
I'M SEEIN' GLARES.
SOMEBODY PLEASE SHOW ME AFFECTION!
THE SONG OF FEAR,
IT'S COMING NEAR,
AND IT'S ALL I CAN HEAR!
SOMEBODY, PLEASE HOLD ME!
THE SOULS ARE ANGRY!
NO MATTER HOW BIG OR SMALL,
FEAR LIVES IN US ALL.
THERE'S NO HIDING.
FEAR IS NEVER GONE.
IT'S ALWAYS HERE, BEFORE AND AFTER DAWN.
THE SONG OF FEAR IS EVERYWHERE.
IT'S OVER HERE.
IT'S OVER THERE!
LONG LIVES THE SONG OF FEAR.



THE SONG OF HOME
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS,
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE MINE IS.
THE SONG OF HOME IS CLEAR,
BUT IT CAN ALSO BE BLURRY.
LOVE IS ALWAYS NEAR
WHEN THE SONG IS HERE.
HOME CAN BE WHERE WE SCURRY.
LOVE CAN ALWAYS BE FOUND AT HOME.
IT'S A PLACE WE CAN ALWAYS ROAM.
WHEN LOVE IS GONE,
SO IS HOME.
THE SONG OF HOME
LIVES ON THE LOVE THAT BLOOMS,
FOR YOU AND ME,
(MY ONLY FAMILY).
HOME IS WHERE THE HEART IS,
BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE MINE IS.



THE SONG OF HOPE
THE SONG OF HOPE
CAN BE HEARD BY ANYONE,
EVEN THE POPE.
HOPE COMES FROM DREAMS.
HOPE IS NOT ALWAYS WHAT IT SEEMS.
LOVE CAN CREATE THE SONG OF HOPE.
HOPE CAN BE LIKE A LONG ROPE.
IT MAY LOOK ENDLESS,
IT CAN BE LIMITED.
HOPE COULD BE ON A LIST,
BUT FOR ALL WE KNOW,
WE MAY NOT KNOW.
WE MAY NEVER FIND THE END,
BUT AFTER OUR END,
WE WILL FIND OUT.
JUST DON'T BE STOUT.

("Stout" is definitely not the right word, but I remember i had trouble trying to end the poem haha. Maybe "pout" would have been better :P)


Time for 9th-grade poems:

My Double Life?

In a sense I always have comfort here
My family is always near
The atmosphere usually brings cheer
I could make my mother proud
That I am her flesh and blood
Everyday I see my mother
I hear her
The tap, tap, tap, tap of her slippers
Precedes her as if it were an alarm
Though I love her so
Sometimes she kills my happy glow
The enormous pressure that builds inside me
From her many expectations
Is the force that pushes me around

In a sense I always find comfort here
The joys of friendships are haven from my family
I am an opposite of myself in these times
Instead of a diligent teenager
I am a laidback fun-loving teenager
Thoughts of being able to do anything with my "posse"
Grants me freedom from the monotonous work of home
It feels better than being a daughter, all alone
The whoosh that I hear
When I race around with my buddies
Is almost like music to my ears
The voices that stay inside my head
Are like the cushions on my bed
Because I am contented
When I hear those friendly voices


My Inside
The feelings I hold inside
I cannot truly understand.
Sometimes, their meanings feel so empty
And I feel empty too.
I feel hurt, but there's no pain
I feel happy, but there's no joy
I feel depressed, but there is no despair.

The feelings I hold inside
Can never be understood.
Anyone who tries
Will surely end up in failure.
It seems to me that my happiness
Has reached it's demise.
But when it returns,
Only true meanings of happiness
Can keep my spirits alive.

The feelings I hold inside
Are just there for entertainmetn and misery.
The people who try to help
Just end up hurting me.
They never know what to say to me anymore.
I fear no one will ever understand me anymore.

The feelings I hold inside
Are the words, which I will never speak.
For anyone who hears
Will never comprehend.
Sometimes I do not believe
That I understand them as well.

My feelings I hold inside
I cannot truly understand.
The bliss of ignorance
Is within my hand.
To ignore the truth is to accept the lies.
To care or not to care,
Do I really know?
The choices that I make
Seem to become my regrets.
And every chance I take
Is any man's best bet.


Rather Do Poem
Oh, let me lie, rather than face the haters and their injustice,
In a deep pit filled with the most vile creatures alive,
Or eat every piece of bitter food I find, or let me stand
In the hot, fiery flames of a crematory; crush every bone in my body slowly,
Or drop me into bottomless waters,
Having me sink into the depths forever,
With no one to save me from my gradual, watery death;
Or chop off my tongue and feed it to me raw,
Or better yet, chop off all my connections to socialization,
Leaving me cold and alone to feel nothing;
Or pierce my skin with wide needles a billion times;
With that, let me perform Suspension for hours,
And torture me with knives,
Causing me to spasm with pain,
Forcing the hooks in even deeper--
Things that, to hear them told, have made me tremble--
And I will do it without fear or doubt,
To live a hate-free life.



I probably made some mistakes in transcribing, but oh well. My poems aren't that good anyway. I know, they're kinda depression XP I was a sad kid. A lot of family issues.


So anyway, I want to pick up with poetry again, but geez I really can't think of anything to write. Just once in a while, something interesting pops into my head.

Like today, I came up with these:

Poetry used to be my thing,
But that was a really long time ago.
Now all I can do is sing
Along with the words of another's flow.



I live for you.
If I could, I would live for me.
I suffer for you.
If I could, I wouldn't suffer for anyone.
I think for you.
If I could, I would think for me.
I'm alive for you.
I'm not living for me.



Yeah... I'm so not happy haha.


Mm, I was thinking that if I'm home alone tomorrow, I might make that YouTube video haha XP I'll ramble. I can do that pretty well. Or I can lip-sync haha. I just want to make a video. I don't talk to people enough, so I can talk to strangers on YouTube. Or not. I don't know. We'll see. If I don't, I'll get my friends together, and we'll make a video haha. As if :P We need to get together soon.

I think I should get back to my homework. Yeaah.


Edit: Grr.. Blogger doesn't like major html use. My poems all looked weird. So I'm gonna leave them in a plain form (left justified), not their original structures :( Not as aesthetically pleasing XP