Landmines and Eggshells

There are landmines everywhere. I can't run. I can't even walk or crawl through it. I'm too scared to take a step. I've been carefully walking through for who knows how long. Stepped on a few dead landmines. Some landmines got triggered on their own, but I managed to dodge the severest damage. Or at least I think so. Maybe there's hidden shrapnel that I can't feel. I rarely think about the danger and damage, and I get through my days just fine.

I have my days where I'm terrified to attempt to walk through the fields. Today is one of those days.

Who set these landmines? People. Who else? I'm one of those people. I set landmines too. I don't remember setting them. Maybe I do it in my sleep. Maybe I black out and do it when I won't remember.

I set my landmines close to home. I think most of the landmines I have to be careful about were set by me. I set landmines around my friends too. I'm sorry. I have an obsession with landmines and explosions, but I have a great fear of them too. Trying to walk through the field to get to friends is so difficult. Why are there landmines and eggshells between us?

The eggshells that are strewn all across the ground don't help. Each crunch makes me wary of the next step. Each crunch is a reminder that the next step could destroy something.

On my feeling-brave days, I stride through the field, over the eggshells, crunching without a care. I'm surprised I've survived those days. On my normal days, I... I don't know how I survive my normal days. I get through them. But I don't know how I've done it.

But I'm still alive. My friends, for the most part, are still alive. Even though, I set those mines around them. Why did I set those things near the people I love the most?

I know I didn't put the eggshells there. They were there before I came along. But it feels like the amount of eggshells on the ground increased after I came along. There are just so many eggshells, and I can't count them all. I don't know how many there are. So maybe they haven't grown in number.

Just a field of landmines and eggshells that never changes. But I walk through it every day. We all walk through it every day. Some of us are better at avoiding the eggshells and the landmines. I used to be really good at it. Or I thought I was. Maybe I'm not that good.

It's funny. I think I've set off my own mines more often than I've set off anyone else's. You would think that I'd know how to avoid the ones I set. After all, I should know where they are. But I guess I forgot. The crunching doesn't help with the remembering. I stop to think about the landmines. But I have such bad balance even when I'm standing. I crunch the eggshells anyway. By accident. Because I can't stand still. Constant crunching. It interferes with my ability to recall.

I'm letting the eggshells distract me. But they're loud. Or their crunching is loud to me. I think the crunching echoes. So distracting.

I should probably pay more attention to the landmines. But the eggshells... They crunch under my feet. I haven't exploded yet. But the crunching... There's always crunching.

Sometimes, I think it's the eggshells that trigger the landmines that I manage to avoid. But how is that possible? They're eggshells. They're practically weightless. Unless there's a great quantity of them. So maybe that means the eggshells are increasing. Maybe there's so much that their weight is great enough to trigger the mines.

Who's throwing the eggshells onto the field of mines? Where do we get the eggs? How do we get the eggs when we're standing in the middle of the fucking minefield? Why are we standing in the middle of a giant field of mines? How can we continue to afford to set these landmines? Landmines aren't cheap. Neither are eggs.

I guess I'm still upset about yesterday. I couldn't sleep well.

I went to bed at 10 like usual, slept for about an hour, was awake until 4, and was in and out of sleep until 7 when I decided to just get up. Music usually helps me sleep, but it did nothing for me this morning.

I just laid there, thinking and making monologues in my head. I don't know why I have so much anger about yesterday. I normally let things go pretty easily, especially when it comes to friends. But this, I don't know why it wouldn't let me sleep. Why am I letting myself dwell on this?

I guess I still feel hurt. I don't know why I always have to be the one to bring an issue up with my friends when they're the ones who have an issue with me. I never know there's a problem until later, after they've vented to someone else or given me the cold shoulder. I have to be the one to search for the clues they didn't give me. I have to be the one to walk up to them and make them tell me what's wrong. Why can't they just tell me to my face that they have a problem with me? Why do I have to guess? Why do I have to just happen to find out someone's got a problem with me?

Yeah, this doesn't happen very often. But when it does happen, it makes me wonder how much my friends really value our friendships, how much they value me. It makes me wonder if the reason why it doesn't happen often is that most of my friends are just good at hiding things from me.

Why am I dwelling? It's not even that big of a deal. I'm going to get over this by next week at the latest.

I'm starting to feel like crap. But I think that's just the lack of sleep getting to me.


My friends are always wondering why I can't take compliments. Yesterday has made me realize that I have a hard time believing them. Yesterday is proof that some people really don't believe the nice things they say. They're just nice things to say. I don't know how a person can say that someone's a wonderful person but then is so quick to disparage that person without good reason or even warning.

I dunno. Maybe I'm the one in the wrong, and I just can't see it. I wouldn't know. I'm biased for myself.

What I'm up to right now.

One moment in a day doesn't tell you much about my day, my week, or my life...

I'm going over details that aren't really important, but I'm going over them anyway. Helps to clear the head.

I've been going to bed by 10PM. I've been good with that sleep schedule. Waking up at 7AM is an obstacle though. Or rather getting up at 7AM is. It's really hit or miss. Some days I'm up at 7; other days I'm not. I will become an early bird again. The only exceptions to this sleep schedule are the nights where I go out dancing or just chilling with friends. But otherwise, my 10PM bedtime is just lovely.

I've started going to a chiropractor. Stephen Cain is his name. Relatively new to the business. Very friendly. I've been going for about two weeks now. So my word might just be exaggerated optimism. But if anything, I feel a lot better. That could just be coinciding with the improvements I'm trying to make in my life. But Dr Cain has helped reduced some of the pain I've been having in my lower back. Low pressure adjustments ftw! Dr Cain is also very knowledgeable, and I've learned quite a bit about healthy living. Like, don't crack your neck or your back even if it feels good. You're most likely cracking areas of your spine that don't need it. And the areas that need it don't get the necessary attention because of the condition that they're in. I really can't explain it that well haha, but if you go to chiro, you will learn loads. And if you want a recommendation, I say Crossroads Health Center in Campbell is the place to go :)

I've also started practicing guitar. Kinda. Shiva has let me borrow her mini guitar, which gets out of tune really quickly haha. I also have trouble keeping it in place on my lap. I think I may take Vivi's old guitar after all just so I can hold it more easily. But for now, I'm practicing on the mini guitar. It's adorable. I started on Saturday. I'm using lessons from YouTuber Justin (what was his last name?). I'm practicing three chords. D, A, and E. When I get those three without as much duress as I do now, I'll move onto C and G. My left forearm and shoulder get sore, but I'm probably just tensing my arm too much while reaching the correct strings. It's so difficult >.< because I'm either leaning on another string with my finger or I'm not pressing hard enough. Adjusting one finger usually means I misalign another finger on a string. Blah. I will get this! And my arm will stop tensing as much and maybe even get stronger :D But yes, guitar is fun. Yay for a real hobby! Mother approves of it because she thinks that means I won't leave the house as often. Like I'm only going to leave my house once a month XP

I'm going to SF Pride this weekend with Matt C, Nick C, and Vivi N. That's going to be fun. I'm planning to meet up with quite a few people :) Matt and Nick will go to GaMeBoi Saturday night, whereas Vivi and I will chill with her SF friend and probably attend the Pink Party. I've only been to Pride once. And that was on a Sunday in 2009 with Brian and Trung (I miss those two, but it seems like Brian is ignoring me on Facebook). I'm excited to be going again, and this time it's with college friends. I don't know what to expect this weekend, but I hope it will be full of wonderful :) Haha maybe I'll wear my rainbow lei and wristband this weekend.

I've been reading Dracula by Bram Stoker. Didn't think I was going to understand the novel too well, but I actually do haha. And I'm enjoying it greatly. I have less than a hundred pages left ): I'm partially rooting for Dracula just because he's an intelligent vampire and the main characters did something really stupid (and sexist). Totally saw the new challenge to the characters coming as soon as they made that one decision. Alas, what is to be expected of those living in a patriarchal world?

Oh yeah. I've also been applying for jobs. But that's probably obvious from one of my recent posts. Maybe looking into my friend connections to find a job. We'll see how things pan out.


Hmm, what else? I can't think of much. I'm probably getting a haircut on Wednesday with Matt. I'm gonna see if I can get the hair-person to cut my hair shorter than last time <.< Even if it makes me look like a boy XP

I always feel like I have so much to say at the beginning of a blog post. As I'm writing, I forget what I wanted to write about and feel like I'm just blabbering on to fill the endless space. But that's what a lot of us do, isn't it? Takes me back to the thought that conversations are really just meaningless sequences of phrases that just happen to make sense together. Or not.

Maybe I'm just a bad friend.

I'm fucking pissed.

No, I'm not pissed. I'm irritated. And I'm hurt.

I was the target of a Facebook status rant. Something that I had addressed on Facebook about a week ago. Shows how seriously some people take me, I guess.

I don't know why people can't talk to me face-to-face when they have a problem with me. Instead of fucking making me guess and wonder if I should say something or let it go. Instead of sharing the problem with uninvolved people before letting me know it's a problem I should deal with.

I can't work on the fucking problem if I don't know I'm a part of the problem. We can't work things out if I don't know how you're interpreting what I've said or done. So let me know!

People have a problem with me being distant or pushing them away/ignoring them. I don't push people away anymore. I definitely don't ignore them. It's more like I've been trying to pull people into my life and surround myself with them, but I've never been comfortable being around people all the time. So now, I'm just being me for real, someone who doesn't like to interact with others that much. I still try to surround myself with people, but on most days, I would rather be alone and not talk to people. So I apologize if this abrupt change in behavior makes you feel like I'm pushing you away. I'm not. This is me embracing my real nature instead of trying to force it into something different. Before, I would always want to go out because I felt trapped at home and I wanted to have friends (going out a lot meant having a lot of friends). But now, I know I have good friends in my life, and I would much rather stay in and not be surrounded by people; I don't have a need to always have them around to make me feel like I'm important. I would rather not always be in constant contact with people. Granted, I still don't like being at home. But being alone makes me feel better now. I'm not lonely when I'm alone (haha Kelly Clarkson reference).

Most of my friends understand that we can't always talk but we're still there for each other. I've learned that about me and my friends from high school. I'm learning that about me and my college friends. And I'm hoping my college friends are learning that too.


Personal self-improvement is making me into a different person. I'm different from who I was at the beginning of 2012. I'm different from who I was in February and March. If I had to put a time frame on it, I'd say April was the month of big changes for me. Both good and bad. And I'm pulling myself up from the all the bad that I've been through. The changes that go along with that include me becoming more open yet closing myself off in other ways.


Blah. This started off as a rant about ambiguous Facebook attacks, and I didn't even really get there.

I dunno. I just feel attacked, even though she took off the status soon after she posted it. But I saw it anyway, and I copied it. I felt like it could have been directed toward me. So I asked her via Facebook message if it was directed at me. First thing she did was lie and say it wasn't. But the truth came out eventually that it was about me. And I told her how the whole thing made me feel. I didn't tell her completely how I felt because I wanted to know what issues we were having that I wasn't aware of. I focused on the issue. She said her part. I said mine. That was that. I was too angry to continue saying anything. So we've stopped talking. But I hope she really understood where I was coming from.

I haven't made any attempts to ignore her. All I ever did was tell her if I was busy when she'd contact me. Then she'd stop contacting me, even if I said "I'm busy, but what's up?"


Ahh, I dunno. Am I pushing people away? Maybe I'm misinterpreting myself. Maybe I really am horrible at communication. I thought I'd been improving that, especially after what's happened before this. I've been talking to a lot of different people over the course of the past two months about how to improve myself in various areas. I know I'm making progress, and I know I regress. But I'm fucking trying to become a better person and a better friend. I know I'll make mistakes, but if I make them, people have to point them out to me because I can't see everything that I do wrong.

I'm still that teddy bear that people can share their problems with. That won't change. What's changed is this teddy bear can't always there because teddy bears have their own tea parties to attend and sometimes they get lost too.

Maybe I just fail as a friend because I made her feel like I was pushing her away. Maybe that's my fault. Maybe she's not misinterpreting. Maybe... But I still want to be there for her.

Now I don't know if I'm being a good friend or not. Now I'm too emotional to think.

Achievable Goals to Reach in Two Years

I have a lot of things I want to do by the time I'm 24 that I couldn't do in the past four years. You know, after I get a job or two and save enough money.

Moving out; paying for my own rent, food, and gas; Electric Daisy Carnival; Warped Tour; road trip; camping; and much, much more.

I've wanted to move out since I was 17. At times, being home feels like being imprisoned. I'm at the mercy of Mother's moods. I can't step outside my house without fear of admonishment unless I had asked for permission beforehand. I need to get away from that. I've only recently started to "inform" Mother of events I go to, instead of asking. Sometimes, it's ok; other times, I deal with hours of disparaging comments before she lets me go. That's if she lets me go. I'm 21 now, closing in on 22 in less than five months. I am still a child in this family. The only time I am treated as an adult is when I'm being held responsible for my childish actions, such as staying out too late. Even then, I'm not really an adult; I'm a child who knows no better and should listen to her mother because mother knows best. Mother does not know best. Mother does not know her daughter. This daughter needs to move out and live independently. I need to do things for myself, instead of waiting for someone else to tell me if it's ok to do it. I'm trying to rehabilitate my autonomy; it was damaged sometime in my youth, maybe around fifth or sixth grade haha. Moving out on my own would be a sort of catharsis, or I feel like it would be. Just a large stepping stone that I've been afraid to approach.

As part of being an adult, I would like to pay for my own things. I don't like that my family still pays for everything. I haven't earned any of the things that I own or consume. I didn't want my car because I wasn't the one paying for it. But I will have to settle for paying back my family for all the material things that they've gotten for me. Before I can do that though, I do need to earn enough to save first and then repay later. I want to be responsible for as much as I can be responsible for. I will not depend on my family for sustenance. When I can take care of myself, I don't want to have to fall back on my family in times of need. I'm not putting him down, but I don't want to be like Brother. I will not drain my family of resources because of my shortcomings. I will be responsible for me and my life.

EDC has been a goal since I had heard of it a couple of years ago. Brother was supposed to go, but things didn't work out for him. We wanted to go this year, but again things didn't work out. But he and I are aiming for next year. And this plan has potential as long as I can find some work and gradually save. I'd have to save at least five hundred dollars, depending on how we plan out the trip. This is one of my bigger and more highly anticipated goals because I've never left California, and EDC will be in Las Vegas :) So it's a very exciting prospect.

Same with Warped Tour. I've been wanting to go since middle school haha. It's been many years of wanting. This is more achievable than EDC since the event costs less than a hundred dollars.

Thinking over these last two goals, I would be fine if I never went to these. I'm not a fan of being surrounded by a lot of people. And I don't need to enjoy live music. However, if these things are achievable and I can enjoy them with people I love, I will do it. I've been told I need to live a little. I do that in my own, small ways. But once in a while, spicing it up with huge events wouldn't be so bad.

I'd like to go on a road trip. Again, this is another adventure I've wanted to go on for years. Probably since high school when I was learning how to drive. I still just want to go on a Destination Anywhere type of road trip. Though, if my friends have destinations they want to go to, I'm all for it too. I personally just want to go somewhere. I just want to drive and enjoy the drive. This will happen. It may or may not happen before I'm 24, but I won't rule it out.

Camping... Ah, camping. I've never really been on a camping trip. There was the sixth grade trip, but I hardly remember it and I probably wouldn't consider it camping if I did remember. I'd like to enjoy nature and just be away from the masses. I'd also like to improve my survival skills haha.

Now that I've finished college, I really want to do something for myself instead of my family. School was for my family. I've done that. Work was supposed to be for my family too. However, like I said, I'm rehabilitating my autonomy. This means I need to start living for myself. Not keeping myself alive for my family or my friends. I will do things for myself, for my life, for my happiness (too). Work, when I find it, will be for me.

I feel selfish for saying any of this. For saying what I want. But I've been talking to friends, and I'm realizing I need to be considerate for myself as much as I am for other people. This is what I know. My mind still wants to reject the idea that I can and should live for myself. I fight this urge to reject every day. And every day, I feel like I'm winning a battle. Of course, I have my days where I'm completely obliterated by my pessimism. But there's a lot of things I need to fight and change. With some encouragement, I'm sure eventually my natural optimism will win over my learned pessimism.

I'm making changes in my life. Ones that I never thought I could make. I'm making them now. I used to always think it was too late to improve my life, that I would always be stuck. Or if I did, I'd be another Hollywood movie in real life, where someone else inspires me and mentors me through my challenges and there would be people watching. But it's not like that. My life is my movie. I'm the only one directing and watching it from beginning to end. There might be friends who watch parts of my movie and have roles in it, but they've got their own movies to direct and star in as well.

There's so much I could say right now, but ah there goes that memory of mine, forgetting thoughts and words.

I'm feeling good. I'm not feeling great. I have yet to get there. But I'm at a point where my life doesn't feel so hopeless. It's still a little hopeless sometimes, but I'm getting better at handling it. I feel less and less alone every day that I spend time alone. I'm feeling happier with myself, even though I still have some anger and hate directed toward myself. Like I said, I'm making changes. I'm also less dependent on others to provide my happiness. It's funny how that's working. I should have taken some time to get to know myself better a long time ago.

Better late than never, as the saying goes.

Car troubles

We, as people, are so attached to material possessions. Especially newly bought items.

A new car. A new scratch on your new car? No, that means the end of the world.

If someone scratches your car, how would you feel? Mother would feel like it was a personal attack on her. Maybe it was.

How would I feel? I wouldn't even notice the scratch. Someone would have to point it out to me. Even then, I wouldn't react. I'd acknowledge the damage and continue driving the car.

It's a car. You take care of it as best as you can. If stuff happens to it, you deal with it when it happens. You don't become too scared to drive your car anywhere ever again. It would be a pointless car if it wasn't driven.


I'm irritated. My car is supposed to be my car. Except I'm getting in trouble for the little bits of damage that happen to it. Why? I'm not complaining. And it's supposed to be my car. It's not Mother's car. She's not the one who has to drive it. She doesn't even have to look at the car. Still, I get in trouble for the damages that aren't important. Scratches don't destroy the car's ability to function.

They should have listened to me when I said I just wanted a car that works well and doesn't have to look amazing on the outside. No, they should have listened to me when I said I didn't want a car. They should have listened when I said all I wanted was to be able to get myself to places. That didn't mean I needed a car. I explained that to them, but they wouldn't listen to me. They just had to let me walk, bike, take the bus or light rail, or just figure out some way to get to places. But no, they wouldn't let me. They wanted me to have a car.

So I have a car, which I am grateful for. I'm also grateful for the gas money and all the repairs my family has paid for. What I'm not grateful for are the "I told you you shouldn't have bought this car," "You're a terrible driver, but you have to drive me where I want to go," "You're destroying your car," "Don't take your car out. I'll drive you instead," "Don't drive your friends. Oh, but drive me," "Don't waste gas, but drive me here, here, and all the way over here," and all that crap.

I'm complaining. I'll stop. I just wish she'd stop criticizing me and blaming me for everything. Or making me feel like she's blaming me or making me feel like everything's my fault. Because I'm starting to believe it.

I'm an SJSU alum now

Rainbow Grad was Wednesday, May 23rd.
Sociology Graduation was Thursday, May 24th.
University Commencement was Saturday, May 26th.

Mother and Brother came to the Soci Grad. Brother and his girlfriend, Karina, were supposed to go to the main graduation, but they didn't make it.

I really only wanted to go to Rainbow Grad. I went to the other two because Brother convinced me that my family wanted to attend my graduation. Really, I think he was the only one who wanted to go.

Anyway, the graduations were fun--I was decked out in a lot of rainbow for the main graduation; my queerness could be seen from all corners of Spartan Stadium hahaha. This past week has been fun and exciting, but it's also had its share of anger, pessimism, and tears. It's an interesting start to my post-grad life.

I don't know how I feel. My level of excitement has been fluctuating crazily over the past few weeks. By the time graduation ceremonies started happening, I was neutral. But being surrounded by amazing friends helps alleviate the neutrality and the lows I've been experiencing.

I've been going out pretty much every day, being around many friends and just enjoying myself. I just wanted to chill with my friends before life gets busy for everyone and they all move away or something.

I watched the Avengers last Monday, took my last final last Tuesday night, attended the graduations on Wednesday and Thursday, attended Fanime for the first time on Friday, sat through Commencement on Saturday with Vivi, and cleaned out my room and hung out with my friend, Tina, yesterday.

Now the week of celebrating is over, which is fine. I still don't like going out every day. Though, I do plan to go dancing again this Friday at Fuz with Matt and Vivi. I need more stress relief.

Anyway, yeah, I'm a graduate. It's crazy. I didn't think I was gonna do it. But I did it. My family's proud and happy. So that's good.

I'm continuing my job search. I may consider using a temp agency to find work. It may come to that. That's ok. I'm not that picky. I could do anything now. I don't have a plan. I'm just going where life takes me until I figure out what I want.

I'm taking a lot of time to figure out what I want. Figuring out a lot of things. Who I am. Who I want to be. Where I want to go. How I'm going to get there. Why I'm doing what I do. If I know what I'm doing. Just a lot of things to think about and to do something about. I'm making progress, I think.

I know I'm dependent on people. I don't know how to think for myself. Or I do, but I don't act on it very well. I'm trying to become self-reliant and do things for myself and not just for others. Getting a job would help. But that's just one part of my life.

Socially, I need to buck up and be me. Know who I am when I'm with people because I know I'm different then from who I am when I'm alone. Slowly but surely, these people that I become will be one person. My friends are starting to see me as what I am. I think they are. I'm showing them more. It's terrifying, but I know it will be rewarding. I know I need to talk to them more because talking helps. I'm making progress. Sometimes, I regress, and I don't talk about things I should. Again, I'm working on it.

I've been thinking about careers. But I know I need more time to figure that out. Right now, I'm good with doing any job. I just need something to keep me busy, to give me some sort of direction, even if it's just bagging groceries or stocking shelves.

School used to be an expectation. Now that it's done, and I know I'm not going to grad school, I don't really know what to do. So a job is what I'm thinking about now. Typical.


Blah. I'm done with school. I feel like I'm in limbo -sigh- Things will work themselves out, as long as I don't give up, yeah? Yeah.

Oh yeah, btw, I have a car now. It feels nice to be able to get myself to places. Next couple of steps... get a job so that I can pay for my own gas; save money; move out; live life how I want to live. Sounds good.


My breakdown in high school... They think it was about me not getting a car. Really? I'd think they should know me well enough. That might have sparked some of my anger, but there was so much else going on. Whatever. They don't need to know.


So I just learned that the mother of a recent Independence High School graduate just died last Thursday. I don't know the family, but it's a small (Vietnamese) world. I have friends who knew the student. Is it just me, or am I hearing about a lot of death lately? Been hearing more about the deaths of Vietnamese people in the news. Or maybe it's a dramatization in my brain. Just a lot of death. Anyway, to anyone who's lost a loved one, we'll survive and we'll carry their memories with us. To those who've passed, rest in peace.

Death is inevitable. Do we ignore it? Fight it? Embrace it? What can we do?


Oh, this got depressing really fast. I should stop.

If I Die Young...

Or if I die old too...

I don't want to be buried.

I don't need to be remembered. But if you remember me, that's nice.

I don't want you to grieve. I want you to laugh and smile. We should cherish the moments we share, not mourn the loss of what-if's and could-have-been's. If you cry, you cry. But I'd hope you know that I won't be crying over my death. If anything, I'd be crying because you were crying haha. Cry, laugh, smile, yell, break things. Do what you gotta do. Just know I love you just the same.

I don't want you to wear formal clothing to my funeral. You should wear whatever makes you comfortable in my presence. If I become a spirit, I wanna be among my friends as you are. I don't want you to change yourselves because custom says you're supposed to. I want you to be yourselves like how you always are when you're around me.

I don't want to be dressed up in a nice outfit for everyone to see me as what I am not. I would like to be dressed in a comfortable pair of jeans, a nice T-shirt, and my favorite hoodie. Maybe my Fierce Nice Hat will be buried with me too haha. Nah, I'd hope someone would keep that. A hat is made to be worn.

To be honest, I don't want formalities. If we could get rid of those, that would be great.


I don't really know what I want. I had the words, but now I've lost them -sigh-

Ineffable.

And I can't fucking tell if I'm fucking hurting or not.

My friend, Ton W, passed away last Tuesday night, April 17. Only five days ago. Don't know how he died. Found out Wednesday evening. Went through Wednesday thinking I was gonna see him Thursday night at the drag show. Felt like I was lied to. Spent Wednesday night, fighting wakefulness and all these thoughts that wouldn't stop repeating themselves. Had to surround myself with people to keep my brain from doing that. But that could only last so long.

I can't fucking put into words what I'm feeling.

I've never really had to grieve for anyone. There was Earl. His death hurt, but it was easier to accept because he was fighting cancer. Ton's death, on the other hand, was so unexpected. And I can't deal with it. I thought I was dealing with it just fine. I cried like crazy Wednesday night to Thursday night during the drag show. Then I couldn't cry anymore. I thought I was done. I haven't had the urge to cry for two days. But then today, I've been sitting on a bench on campus (still am as I type this), doing homework. Lost my focus, went on Facebook, and somehow found myself looking at Ton's page. I can feel the tears wanting to come out again, but this time they're not coming out. I have that heavy feeling in my chest again, and it's not relieving itself. I don't know how to get it out.

A part of me is scared that his death was a suicide. I know I shouldn't make any assumptions. I've talked to some friends about this. I can't help but wonder. I talked to him on Tuesday. He saw me in the Student Union working on my paper. He stopped by to talk to me for about ten minutes. It had been a while since I'd last seen him and I was glad to talk to him.

This may just be hindsight bias, but I could feel that something was not right when I hugged him. He didn't really hug me back. He put his arms around me, but I couldn't feel the hugs. And I always feel his hugs. I loved his teddy bear hugs. I should have figured out that something was up. I should have kept talking to him. Maybe it would have made a difference somehow.

But he talked about going to the drag show and hanging out with everyone. He talked about being glad that the semester was almost over. He talked about going to the Cherry Blosson Festival this weekend.

I dunno what I'm feeling. Ton's no longer around. He's dead. I can't tell if I've accepted his death or not. I don't know what I'm thinking or feeling. I can't tell if I'm angry, frustrated, depressed, numb, or anything else. But I know I'm feeling something. Maybe it's everything that I'm feeling.

I'm hoping that his death was natural. I feel stupid for saying this, but if his death was a suicide, I would hate myself. I don't want to feel guilty. I know I shouldn't. But I can't help it. I talked to him hours before he died. That makes me feel like I could have done something, instead of ignoring the nagging feeling that something was wrong.


I thought blogging or getting these words out would help me feel a little better. But I don't feel better. I'm still stuck at ineffable.


We continued on with the drag show with a tribute to Ton. There was no stopping the tears that came with seeing his photos on the screen on the stage. I couldn't look at them before the start of the show. But when the show started and Chara started playing her song, I couldn't look away from Ton's face on the screen.

Ahh... The rest of the show went on as planned. I barely remember it. Not as amazing as the previous drag shows I went to. I can't tell if that's because the performances weren't up to par or because of Ton's death.


Ugh. This isn't helping me. I don't know what to do. I can't really talk about this. I did, and I was ok. Then I'm no longer ok. And I feel like talking about it won't help me anymore. I can't even think of what to say. My feelings are just those: feelings, not words. They won't leave my brain. I just can't think. All I'm doing is feeling. Why can't I think? Fuck. I can't think about anything. I can't focus on this paper that I was supposed to finish by today. It probably won't be finished by next weekend either. My brain won't think. All it thinks is "Why are you dead? Why aren't you here anymore? Why are you gone? Why?"

What should I do? I don't want to talk, but I feel like things are getting heavier and I can't carry shit.

I just need sleep. A nice, long sleep. When I wake up, I'll feel better. But I can't sleep. I'm not sleeping well. I don't have dreams or anything. But I don't feel like I sleep at all.


Ahhhhh!! I can't fucking take this right now. I just wanna cry this all out again, but I can't. What can I do, but just wait for it to pass? That's what I'll do, I guess. I hope it passes soon.



Rest in peace, Ton. We all love and miss you.

2012 is going well so far

I'm lucky my last semester of undergrad is pretty damn easy. Two Justice Studies classes, one Radio TV Film class, and three PE classes. Little stress. Though, I am kinda worried about finding a job. I've been looking and applying for jobs, but not getting responses or anything.

But anyway, school is good. Meeting some new folks. Pretty chill. Volleyball has given me bruises and a lightly sprained thumb, but that was because I was still learning the proper techniques. Getting much better now. Soccer makes my legs scream, especially my left leg--it feels like ligaments and/or tendons are being ripped from my leg, but the feeling has been decreasing (must mean I'm getting better). Self-defense has been fun. It's like a refresher course on all the defense stuff I learned in middle school, except we actually practice with other people. Except we can't actually hit each other. Though, accidents happen. Like today. I was attempting a spin kick. Either there was too much torque or I tripped, but somehow I managed to flip myself onto the ground >.>; Painful but funny XP I laughed, while my instructor told me to get back up and keep going.

PE classes overall are fun. I wish I had taken more PE classes in college -sigh- Maybe I'll go to community college after I graduate and take PE classes then. I might end up going to CC after graduation, at least if I can't find a decent job.

Uh, lots of stuff happening lately, except I'm not remembering them very well haha.

I went to ETD Love in SF with a couple of friends (Michelle P, Olivia S and her friends and family). First rave I've ever been to. Was fun. Met some nice, cool people. Danced all night. Drank lots of water. John O'Callaghan was amazing. And so were many of the other DJs, like John Beaver, Gabriel & Dresden, Myon & Shane 54, and Lazy Rich. Good stuff. Must listen to more of their music.

I know I've done more than go to a rave, but I just can't recall anything right now haha. Other than reading. I finally finished the HP series. I had a feeling about Snape, doubted it, doubted the doubt, and then was relieved that my initial feeling was spot on haha. Reading the Hunger Games series now. Just finished the first book. Good stuff. Hearing not-so-great reviews about the other two books, but I will finish this series, possibly before the movie premieres. I'm considering going to the midnight showing, but we'll see. I know I'm loving the song "Safe and Sound" by Taylor Swift Ft. The Civil Wars. That song is very moving and fits the mood of the story very well.

Haha oh, tangents.

I miss blogging often. But now, I barely remember to blog. I think I've already written this many times before, but blogging helps me remember stuff. Except I guess it doesn't work if I don't remember to blog <.<

Mm, so I've been kinda trying to talk to more people. Fighting my urge to become a hermit. Making new friends, kinda. Trying to broaden my horizons. Oh, I went to my first TransTalk meeting today. Was a good meeting and a good chance to learn about people. I think I might start spending a little more time at the LGBT Resource Center. I'm going to QTIP and Q&A again, since they don't clash with my classes. And I guess I'm adding TransTalk to my schedule on Wednesdays.

So new people I've met/talked to, and whose names I learned through group intros and ice breaker games: Holden, Maui, Simon, Nadia, Helen, Tracy, Jonathan (used to go to ST), Bridgette (no idea how to spell her name). I've forgotten other people's names <.< That's not good.

But anyway, yeah, trying to be more open and less aloof. It's very hard >.> But I'm getting somewhere haha. Part of my new year's/life resolution for self-improvement. Very general and vague, but hopefully I'll accomplish it every day anyway. Still working on the patience with family part though. That's a toughy.

End of 2011

I can't believe this year is already coming to a close.

It's been a hectic year. Lots of ups and downs as usual. Maybe more downs than I'm used to. But I've learned along the way. I just hope I remember the lessons XD

I'm still sad that I haven't been updating much; therefore, I remember less of the past couple of months than I could if I had updated. Oh well. Don't know if I'll update more often or not. Probably not. We'll see. Will try not to let this blog die. Revive it every once in a while with memories.

But tonight, I will welcome 2012 with some amazing friends and a movie :) And plenty of catch-up time.

Resolutions... Hmm, I haven't really thought of many or any, really. But here's a small list:

Get a job (How long have I been trying now?)

Stress less

Learn how to constructively express my anger (Instead of holding it in to the point of tears)

Be more open (Fewer secrets. Yeah, I've done this one before, and I've since regressed)


I'm sure I'll think of more some other time. But now I gotta go chill with some cool people.

Happy New Year, everyone! Love y'all. Let's get this new year started, yee yee!

Three weeks until Fall 2011 ends...

I can't believe it's been more than two months since I've updated my blog O_O

School has been kicking my butt this semester. I don't even know why this semester has been so difficult for me. I attempted to refrain from major social gatherings. Haven't attended QTIP or Q&A this semester. Hung out with a few people a few times. Mostly have been keeping to myself, going to campus early and sitting by myself. Majorly stressed out.

De-stressed with clubbing at FuZ last Friday with Michelle P, Harrison, Matt C, Steven P, and Maria N :)

Had tried to de-stress at Queer Homecoming at the end of October, except turnout was low (because of Halloween weekend) and music had house beats so most people didn't dance. Most people left early. Had to end the dance an hour early >: At the end of the dance, there was only four of us dancing. Normally, I'd leave the dance floor if there weren't enough people, but damn it I wanted to dance.

Anyway, I'm sure lots of stuff has happened this past semester, except I can't recall much. Student walkouts. Occupy movement. San Jose Living Wage Campaign. Lots of death-related news around the country and stuff.

Two weeks of classes left and a week of finals. I'm trying to get work done this weekend, so that I don't leave four papers and a take-home exam to do in three nights. That would be so bad.

Turning 21 wasn't exactly life-changing haha. I don't even remember what I did that day other than turn in a really bad rough draft.

My brain is not organizing my thoughts very well haha. This semester has just been not that great to me XP But hopefully, next semester, my last semester, will be nicer to me. I've enrolled in my classes and everything, so it should be good. Just need to get some signatures and turn in some forms. But overall, my last semester should be nicer compared to this semester.

Ahh, I can't wait for winter break to see people again. Shiva is coming back for about a week in the middle of December. Brother intends to take us to the Castro with his girlfriend to go bar hopping. I'm inviting more friends haha. I find it kinda strange that Brother wants to bond more, but I guess that's good :3

Anyway, tonight, Harrison is taking me to the movies. Planning to watch The Muppets :D It's been a really long time since I've watched anything Muppet-related. Sadly, I also have a cold -___- Sniffly and congested. Rawr. Hope I feel better after a good night's rest, so that I can get at least one paper and half the exam done this weekend.

Uhh, I need to organize my thoughts better. But I won't. Not now. Now is time to focus on school and not dying from stress. Well, actually, now is time for the movies. Yay! It's been quite a while since I've been to the movies.


Just want to say to whoever's reading this: I miss y'all and I love y'all. Let's chill and catch up soon :)