Housemate medical emergency

I need to work on my selective hearing/hearing comprehension, be more aware of my surroundings, and control my panic. It's disconcerting to realize you couldn't discern someone's call for help. It's more troubling to feel like you're thinking and moving so slowly while trying to help them.


So this morning, I got up late, rushed to get ready, and drove toward work. My car was making a weird noise whenever my car moved, and I thought something might be stuck in my wheel or fender. I stopped the car to check but didn't see anything. I decided to go back and work from home just in case I was damaging my car by driving it. On the way home, I realized the noise wasn't consistent and seemed to momentarily stop whenever there was a dip in the road. Something has to be dragging. I eventually decided to look at the undercarriage instead of just taking the car to a shop. Lo and behold, part of a tree branch was stuck, just on the inside of my right tire. I pulled it out, and the noise was gone. Since I was home and I didn't want to deal with the later traffic, I just decided to stay home.

I started my work and then took a mini break to eat breakfast. Matt and I talked for a bit in the kitchen. The homeowner's uncle talked to me a bit too. Matt went to work, and I went back to my room to do more work.

After a while, someone's voice broke my concentration. It was Alden, another housemate. Why do I hear his voice? Why is he talking so loudly? I couldn't understand what he was saying because there are at least two walls and a hallway between our rooms and we're at the opposite ends of the hallway. I assumed he was talking loudly on the phone, but his tone sounded weird. I didn't know why it sounded weird; it just did.

So I decided to walk down the hall and slowly pass by his room just to see if he was really saying anything or if I was imagining his voice. I didn't hear anything. I walked to the kitchen. As I was opening the fridge door, I thought I heard a voice again. I stopped and waited. Nothing. I closed the fridge and walked back to his door. Silence and then some mumbling.

Maybe he's sleep-talking. I waited and didn't hear anything else. I walked back to my door and waited. After hearing nothing for a while, I figured it was just sleep-talking. As I was closing my door, I heard more mumbling coming from Alden's room. And for some reason, the only word I could clearly hear in that moment was "help." I opened my door, stuck my head out, and heard more mumbling. And a very clear "ambulance." "Help" and "ambulance." I grabbed my phone and immediately walked back to his door, knocked, and asked if he was ok. He responded, but again I couldn't understand. I could only clearly hear those two words. So I told him I was opening the door.

He was lying on the floor on his stomach. He asked me to call the ambulance for him. He had fallen, couldn't get up or move, had been vomiting, and had been calling out for help. He said he'd been on the floor for an hour.

I got out my phone. I stared at it. I don't know why I stared at it. I was telling myself to call 911. I have the SJPD emergency and non-emergency numbers on my phone. I eventually got to the number and called, but it felt like I was moving in really slow stop-motion. I felt like I couldn't think or move. I could only parrot the dispatcher or Alden to give the dispatcher the pertinent information. I followed his instructions and thanked him.

I talked to Alden and let him know an ambulance was on the way. I apologized that I couldn't move him or help him get his clothes on because I didn't want to risk injuring him. I cleared the stuff around him so that the paramedics could get to him more easily.

The fire department arrived in 5-10 minutes since they're basically down the street from our neighborhood. I couldn't answer their questions because I barely know Alden. This was probably the tenth time I've ever spoken to him. So I just stood aside, waited, and listened. The uncle asked me what happened, and I told what little I knew. The guys asked Alden questions and checked his vitals.

Maybe it was the state I was in, but I felt like the lead responder wasn't very friendly. Also sounded a little condescending. Just his tone with Alden. But again, I was not in a good mindset, so maybe I misinterpreted his tone. Maybe he can't be that friendly when he's doing his job.

The ambulance arrived, and Alden was loaded in. I asked the first responder what was gonna happen now, wondering if there was anything else I needed to or could do. "What's gonna happen now? We're taking him to the hospital. That's what's happening now. After that, I don't know." I thanked him. And they left.

And that was that. They didn't take his phone or anything with them. So I'm not sure what's gonna happen from here. I hope Alden at least remembers someone's contact information.

But yeah, this was my start to the day. Since then, I've been in bed thinking and overthinking as I normally do. I'm trying to figure out why I felt like I was moving so slowly. Like I was moving through sludge. Like my brain shut down.

I'm glad I went back home. Because who knows how long he would have been on the floor before someone heard him? Who knows what would have happened? Time could have been critical. The uncle had heard him early on but assumed he was on the phone talking to someone; and the uncle was about to leave the house for a while too. I had assumed he was on the phone too, when I heard him later. But his tone just sounded off. Now, I realize his voice sounded distressed. But I couldn't pinpoint it at the time.

Anyway, I'm hoping it's not anything life-threatening :/

This really scared me. I was nearly oblivious to his calls for help. My reaction made me wonder if I'm gonna be like this every time there's an emergency. If so, how dependable can I really be, if I'm gonna panic and have to remind myself to stay focused and to move? If this had really been a time-sensitive situation, things could have been really bad.


For now, I'm trying to remind myself that I heard him and he's in a hospital. Things are okay... Now, I'm just hoping for the best.

I'm also wondering why this is affecting me so much. It feels... debilitating to think about this, but I can't help it.

So much partying.

I've gone to at least 12 EDM events this year, excluding tour shows and club events (these are even more numerous); I have two major events left this year, Escape So Cal and Give Thanks. Because I am adamant about paying off my car and cutting back on the partying next year, I'm trying to figure out which events I'll let myself go to in 2016.

So far, I've decided on:
January: Dreamstate SF
September: Beyond Wonderland Bay Area
December: Snowglobe or Decadence CO

This upcoming NYE (3 months away!), I'm gonna do something low-key. I just want a change in pace. Also need to start cutting back, so NYE will be a good starting point. Maybe...

Anyway, back to 2016. I've bought my ticket for EDC's 20th anniversary. So have many members of my rave fam. I'm not sure I want to go. But it is the 20th anniversary. Also the first EDC for quite a few friends. But I also have that stipulation that I wouldn't go unless I was dating someone who wanted to go; I don't think I'll be dating anyone who wants to go haha. What to do? Do I really want to go to Las Vegas a third time? No, not really. But EDC with the whole rave fam... One more time could be worth it.

I also want to go to Electric Forest in Michigan, which is basically right after EDC. It could be an either or situation. Or I could say "screw it" and go to both. I just want to attend a festival outside of California and Nevada haha. Preferably somewhere cooler. I mean, how awesome would it be to dance in the cold? I have no idea, but I want to know. I also just wanna know what it's like to dance in a more natural, green environment instead of a paved dust bowl XD haha.

If I somehow am convinced to go to EDC again, I might try to marathon through to Electric Forest. Depends on how I budget and plan things and how my job situation goes. I could also put off Electric Forest one more year. But if I end up skipping EDC, I think I will definitely be found in the forest in June.


Why am I cutting back? I dunno. I've been going out way too much; it doesn't feel normal to stay in on the weekends anymore, and that's pretty scary. I also want to save money and energy to pay off my car and do other interesting things. I want to find new hobbies. I'm also getting a little bored because these events are almost starting to feel routine; cutting back would probably make these events feel more special again. I'm feeling a little more and more out of place every time I go to an event because I still don't really make new friends. And the body pains are getting worse every time I dance; I used to be able to dance for at least five hours before the back and knee pain set in, but now I barely last an hour or two.

I'd also like to know I have self-control haha. When I say I will or will not do something, I want to keep my word. Really, I just want to have fun doing other things. Free up my weekends to do things I've been wanting to do. Bucket list has been neglected. Must go skydiving and shooting at a range. Want to catch up with a lot of friends.

I also need to learn how to not feel like I'm missing out on things when I don't attend events with my friends. I have to remind myself that I'm not being left behind. I'm just opting to not go.


I know I'm not the same person I was two years ago. I'm a party animal :P But I kinda feel like becoming a non-party animal again, except not. I think I want my default state to be homebody; party animal should be an optional state. It would definitely save me money and energy. Ugh. Energy. I don't recharge as quickly as I used to. I'm getting old.

I just simply want to enjoy life and what it has to offer. I suppose, at the moment, I am conflicted about what part of life I should enjoy. I feel like I've enjoyed enough partying over the past two years. Time to tone it down and enjoy some other facet of life? We'll see what happens.

Respectfully Disagree.

We can be friends with differing perspectives, beliefs, and opinions.  We interpret and assign meaning to things based on our experiences, environment, upbringing, and various other factors. If you respect me and I respect you, we can be friends. If you learn from me and I learn from you, we can be friends.

I have friends who believe "men should be men" and "women should be women." I understand what they're saying and accept that they believe that because that's what they grew up with. I grew up with it too, but I don't agree with it. Some of these friends used to tell me I should do certain things to look less like a guy (e.g. grow out my hair, wear make-up, stop walking like a guy). It used to hurt me because it made me feel like less of a person since I wasn't "normal" and I wasn't making the effort to change. I have since grown up and learned more about the world and the people around me. I have learned to talk about these different opinions with the very friends who disagree with me. We have had heated arguments. Hopefully, we have taken worthwhile lessons from these arguments. And we're still friends. Most of them don't try to tell me how to dress or act anymore; I hope it's because they realized I am who I am and I try to be a good person regardless of the way I present myself.

And you know what? I wasn't any better than those friends when I was younger. I used to believe the same thing. "Men should be men, and women should be women." I didn't actively push this belief on others, but I still believed it. I used to think trans people were disgusting and weird, even when I first started college. I first met trans people in college, and I just kept my distance. And I wouldn't try so hard to interact with them. I observed them from afar and thought, "How could you feel that way? That's not normal." But then I wondered why I even felt this way. No trans person has ever done anything that negatively affected me. The few interactions I had had with trans folks at the time just showed me that they were as welcoming as any other person I had ever met in my life. So I got to know a few and learned about the community. I still don't know that much about the community, but I know enough about life and people in general to say that trans people are people who can be just as wonderful or just as terrible as any other person in this world. Their genders make no difference; their genders cannot help me predict their mentality, behavior, or anything like that any more so than can the genders of cisgender folks.

All these lessons were learned through amicable interactions and friendships between people who disagreed or did not see eye-to-eye. It could be difficult, but it's possible. We have to be open to it. Open to learning, to growing, to expanding beyond our own limitations.

Empathy is lacking in this world.

Yes, we are people; born onto the same earth with the common goal of survival; made of animal cells arranged according to a highly complex human template; breathing the same, recycled air. Yes, we are special individuals; born into our own bodies made of relatively unique arrangements of DNA; given our own capabilities and fears; experiencing life differently from one another.

Life is difficult. The degree of difficulty varies. Our internal demons and external obstacles vary. Our thresholds for difficulty vary. Our resources and support vary.

I don't care if you think we're the same or different. What is important to me is that we empathize with one another.

I empathize with you, not because of what your struggles are, but because I know you struggle too.

I empathize with you, not because we share similar struggles, but because I know no one can experience your struggles.

Us struggling differently doesn't mean one of us has it easier and doesn't mean we are not worthy of the other's empathy.

Fourth job?

So I've been offered a position on the Google Play team through Vaco. Similar job description. Double the pay. Yay!

Now, I'm just waiting for Google to approve a waiver for me. Then Vaco can give me my start date and send me paperwork. I really hope I start work on the 20th, but it really depends on that waiver approval.

My parents don't know I've been laid off. I'm trying to keep it that way because I don't want them to worry about me. But if I don't start my new job soon, I'm going to be a little worried about my financial situation.

My last day at Randstad was this past Friday. It's been a relaxing last two weeks or so. That last day was the most relaxing. It was also kinda sad. I technically no longer have coworkers. But it's ok. We're Facebook friends now haha. Realistically, I'm probably not going to keep in touch with most of them. But it's nice to see what's going on with folks every once in a while.

I have a whole week of no work. What to do? Hang out with people? I guess. I'm in kind of an off mood. Locked myself all day today. I was supposed to go to the bank and buy dinner. But I can't motivate myself to leave the house. I've barely left my room.

I'm just a bit anxious about the start date for my new job. I'm also feeling guilty because I'm lying to my parents. I just don't want them to worry. But I also don't like that I'm lying to them. Dishonesty comes too easily /:

I have to try to keep my head up until I start my job. I just need to hang on. And probably not lock myself in my room all day. I'm not taking very good care of myself. I should try harder. [sigh]

Getting laid off.

Getting laid off just a month shy of the end of my contract. Fun times.

Employer is trying to help people find new jobs though. So that's cool.

This was mainly just a shock to me. But I kinda saw it coming. Oh well.

Moving on. Been applying to jobs here and there. Former manager is trying to connect me to his teams. Trying to move from temp to vendor. Better pay, indefinite contract. That's cool. Though, I really want a job with benefits. It would be nice to have great health coverage. It would be nice to be able to afford the dentist and optometrist.

I lost my glasses, which I only got to use for half a year. Sadness. So I'm wearing my contacts and old glasses. Managed to scratch my right eye while wearing my contacts >_> Healed up now.

Blah. I figured I should update about something. Not much to say. My work life is my main concern right now. Still going out and having fun. But this job situation has gotten me worried a tiny bit. I have cushion money, just in case I don't get another job soon. But money runs out when you don't bring any in. I have plans set. Expensive plans. EDC is in two weeks. I bought a ticket to Nocturnal Wonderland, but now I'm selling that. Buying Beyond Wonderland Bay Area tickets tomorrow. Planning to buy Escape tickets when those come out because I want to celebrate my birthday. I want to continue raving. At least for the rest of this year. Shenanigans Year v. 2.0 haha. It must go on.

I think, after this year, I will definitely cut back on how much I spend for partying and raving. I want to start saving again. Well, saving more than I have been for the past year. So I'm gonna get all this rave fever out this year. Drain that energy (what little I have left). Then tone it down after this year ends. I kinda have plans for my future. Small ones. But I want to make them happen.

Goals: Move out of the house I currently live in by June 2016. Adopt a cat within the year after I move out. Move out of the Bay by the time I'm 28.

I guess I could add "get into a committed relationship" to that list. But eh. I've only dated one person. Still. I've been single for over four years now. Some friends think that's way too long to not be dating. I dunno. I've been interested in people over the years. But the interest wasn't reciprocated or didn't last very long. It happens. I want to connect with someone, but I don't want to force it. Really, I don't know what I want to happen.

Anyway, the rambling will stop now. Because I need to sleep and get up early for work, where I stand, type, and dance at my desk for eight hours. Fun times.

I hit one of my lowest points yesterday.

I hadn't felt that hopeless and lost in a really long time. I made myself be alone, locked in my room for most of the day, with the wrong intentions. I drank past the point of caution. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get sick, and I still drank more than I knew I should have. And I was tempted to go beyond that. But I couldn't. I stopped. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to die or because I couldn't move anymore.

Afterward, when I could finally move again, I made that feeling of hopelessness and being lost a real one. 9:20 PM. I drove around San Jose with the hopes that it would help me calm down and think. I went up Calaveras, parked at a lookout point, stood in the cold and windy air for an hour, and then drove down Sierra. Then I drove to my mom's house. Then I drove up Bernal to IBM. Next was to turn around and reach the other end of Bernal. And I kept going. I found my way to Quimby somehow and turned right. And I kept going. At the end of Quimby, I turned right and just drove. For 20 miles. It was dark and empty. Lots of twists and turns. Lots of ups and downs. I didn't downshift. I didn't care. I could smell my brakes burning.

After 20 miles, I stopped. I didn't know where I was. Do I keep going, or do I turn around and go home? Do I stay there until the sun comes up? The thought of me dying on this road crossed my mind several times. But I had continued to drive. But at this point, when I finally really stopped my car, I realized I hadn't died. I drove as carefully (and recklessly) as I could. I was still alive. Do I still want to be alive?

I turned my car around and drove. 27 miles later, I'm on Alum Rock, heading toward a place I could fall asleep. I came back to the house I live in. 2:23 AM.

I remember almost everything I did yesterday, but I don't remember half the things I thought. But I know they were ugly thoughts.

I need to reflect on a lot of things and clear my head and conscience. Yesterday was the lowest point I reached in years. I did a lot of stupid and careless things. I didn't reach out to anyone, even though some had offered their love and time. I shut them out. All I saw was the ground, the dirt, and nothing else. I didn't deserve their love and time yesterday.

Strangely, today, I'm looking up. Yesterday's antics... I think I just needed to get a lot of shit out of me. Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I already feel a little better. I'm going to feel much better. I will reach out to someone. I will depend on my friends. I will learn how to not shut my loved ones out. I will struggle with this. But I will do my best not to do this to them again.

That alone-in-a-crowded-room feeling.

I have this new tendency to book a lot of fun events for myself and to forget that I can't be around people so often without breaks. Breaks of quiet. Breaks of solitude. Forcing my extroversion again, while ignoring my introvert needs.

I need to spend some time with myself. Outside. It has been months since the last time I did this. I've been surrounded by too many people for too long, as well as alone in the wrong environments for too long. Maybe this is why I haven't completely felt like my happy self in a while. Why I have felt disconnected, lonely, and out of place. I tend to only feel lonely when I'm interested in someone I can't have or when I'm surrounded by a lot of people. I currently find myself in both situations often haha.

Ugh. I need to take better care of myself, to stop running away, to refocus, and to find a new balance. If I could get myself back to how I felt in 2013, that would be great. Ideal.


Also, right now, I find myself somewhat enamored with two people, Cat and Amenda. It's strange to me. I tend to focus on one person and not notice anyone else. But this time, it's different. Funny thing is they're dating each other XD Yeah. They're both very attractive people. Their personalities make them even more attractive. Granted, I am very close friends with Cat now, and so my attraction to her is much stronger. I'm starting to get to know Amenda better; I have this feeling that my crush on her is going to grow, possibly to the level of attraction that I have to Cat. It's worrisome because I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid.

I've been honest with Cat about this though. And I assume she tells Amenda everything. So yeah [shrug].

I've been thinking about this quite a bit. I'm conflicted. Not used to this more-than-one-girl interest haha. Also don't really wanna be feeling anything for anyone who's in a relationship. I normally shut people out of my life for a while to get over whatever feelings I may have for them. This time, I didn't do that with Cat. I'm trying to invest in our friendship, but that means I'm getting to know her better, which means my feelings get cemented a little more each time we talk. And I'm pretty that's starting to happen with Amenda... I'm playing a dangerous game with my emotions, knowing that nothing's coming out of this for me except for their friendships and my attachment.

Guess we'll see where this goes though... Hopefully nowhere bad haha. I just need to keep myself in check.

Always Making Changes

I'm always saying that I'm making changes, but I've been halfheartedly committing to the more difficult ones.

Just spent several hours with Vivi, who is visiting from Portland. Lots of listening, talking, venting, and being completely honest. Got a fresh perspective and an honest opinion. Acknowledged what's been going on and what changes I've really been wanting to make but been too afraid to do anything about.

I'm pretty sure I freaked out Vivi with some of the stuff I was saying. But really, talking to her helped me put my thoughts together.

Anyway, starting this week, I'm going to start implementing actual changes in my behavior and habits. As much as I want to just make sudden changes, I figure it's probably smarter to roll them out, so that I don't overwhelm myself. The sudden influx of changes in my life is what got me into the bad mental space that I've been living in the past few months.

I have a list of changes written down. Kinda like resolutions, but not really. Just more short-sighted goals that will hopefully contribute to a life-improving balance that I want to find. I won't be sharing the list with anyone. I want this to be mine only. At least for now. At the most, I'm going to ask people to hold me accountable. Just ask me how I'm doing with my changes. Am I doing better? I won't lie.

But yeah, I need to take better care of myself. I can't keep doing stupid things and running away from my problems. I need to stop running. I need to stand my ground. I want to have the strength to stand my ground and face my challenges.

I want to be happy with myself, as much as I was just a year ago. I want the happiness that I was able to give myself. It will happen somehow. I will make it happen. Slowly but surely.

----

Oh, celebrated NYE at a PopNYE. That was chill. A lot of unexpected things happened, I guess. Nothing seriously bad. I kissed a cute girl, whom I had just met that day, at midnight. It was nice. I got to cross NYE kiss off my bucket list haha. Danced with her all night. It was great. It was nice to have someone there with me. Someone who seemed like she really wanted to dance with me. Someone to hold me. Someone to kiss. Someone who just seemed interested. It's been a long time since I've been in any kind of situation like this, you know, with mutual interest involved haha. So it was a very pleasant surprise.

At the end of the night, she asked for my number. I may have mistyped it. Luckily, Facebook is a thing. Anyway, I was pretty hopeful about this for a day or two. But now, I'm just kinda mellowing out about it. She contacted me once but didn't continue the conversation. I texted her once, and again she didn't continue the conversation. I'm trying not to read into it. She could be busy, or she might not be interested. I'm just going to keep myself content with the thought that NYE was pretty amazing and we had fun together.

Make-up

I don't wear make-up. I don't like wearing make-up. I have worn make-up.

I used to think I was really unattractive. I mean, why else would people bully me when I was younger, yeah? Now that I'm older, I have come to learn that sometimes people bully others just because they can to make themselves feel better about themselves. So I know what I looked like didn't really have much to do with the bullying. I probably just looked like a weak and easy target. Anyway, at this point in my life, I don't necessarily think I'm attractive or beautiful. But I don't think I'm that bad-looking. If anything, I could pass for cute haha.

I have never wanted to wear make-up, even when I thought I was ugly. I didn't think make-up would help me. I also didn't want to feel like make-up was the only reason people would find me attractive. Plus, my skin likes to breathe and feel air... So I just accepted my not-pretty-ness and moved on with it.

I think I've worn make-up a handful of times in my entire life. A couple of times when I was a kid. My mom got me dressed up for Tet, Vietnamese New Year. There are photos. Actually, there are photos of me every time I've worn make-up. Hmm, I've only worn make-up because my mom made me do so.

I wore make-up for Junior Ball, my senior portrait, and Senior Ball. My mom wouldn't let me go to any of these unless I put on make-up. I didn't enjoy it, but I did it because I didn't want to miss out on my cliché high school experiences.

I don't really remember why I wanted to write about this. Just thoughts to get down, I guess.

Anyway, I realize that, on a shallow level, while I tend to find myself more physically attracted to femme women, I don't know if I would want to date someone who wears make-up often. I just want to be able to feel my partner's skin without gunk in the way haha. Natural beauty all the way :3 It just seems more real. I dunno how to explain it.

Just thinking back on all the people I've found myself interested in, I noticed that the people who kept my interest the longest did not wear make-up much if at all. In fact, they've been relatively in between masculine and feminine. I think they fit with me personality-wise better than the more feminine women I've been into.

Ugh, my brain is all over the place. I can't stick to the topic long enough to type my thoughts out. Blah.

Ultimately, all that surface stuff doesn't matter much. But I know my preferences. But they're just preferences. I can live with or without them.


Rawr. This is one of the worst blog entries I've written... Cannot make thoughts work haha. May revisit this topic in the future when thoughts work properly.

Anyway, time for a four-day weekend :D

2014 start, middle, and end?

2014 started off really well for me. Living on my own, got a promotion, made new friends.

2014 went well for the most part. I made it my Shenanigans Year. I've had a great share of fun and made many amazing memories this year. I cemented some friendships that I hope will last a lifetime. I have a wonderful support system that saved me so many times.

But 2014 has been rocky for a short while now. I don't know which direction 2014 is heading. I'm trying to stay positive and make it end well with all the plans and ideas I have. But, I guess, a lot has been happening. More than I can handle. So I'm a little uncertain how this year will end.

We will see how the next six weeks will go. I foresee many ups and downs. I will face them, and I will live. I am going to survive whatever troubles I face. I will build up my strength and defenses. I will make it as far as I can and be proud of myself.

Stepping down.

So Tuesday had started off better than expected. It didn't end well. I barely made it through half of my work day.

I had a conversation with a coworker sometime before lunch. He said things that angered me. He asked about two incidents that had happened at work when he first started because he found out someone had "complained" about him. The first incident he asked about was a sexual harassment issue. I explained what happened. He asked about a specific person involved in that situation. I explained. Then he asked about the complaint that person had about him. I explained that it was not a complaint but more of a method of self-preservation for someone who was very introverted. In his first week or so, he had tapped her on the shoulder or arm several times to ask for help or to wake her up when the bosses were walking around. She didn't feel comfortable with the physical contact. She asked me to separate them.

He felt affronted and probably hurt that someone would accuse him of being a creep. I tried to explain to him that the person who spoke to me about him didn't think he was a bad person; she just didn't want to be touched, but she didn't know how to tell him that without offending him.

I tried to explain to him that many women don't know how to respond to men because they don't know what the consequences of voicing their discomfort could be. But he just got angrier. And he basically said things that remind me of the hashtag NotAllMen.

"She's got problems if she doesn't know how to trust people."
"She can't assume every guy is gonna be a bad guy."
"There are nice guys, but she won't give them a chance."
"It's unfair of her to put me in the same box as those douches."
"She needs professional help/counseling if that's how she thinks."
"I was just trying to help her out, and she took it as a threat! Something's wrong with her!"

I started to get so angry hearing all these things. He wasn't listening to me. I was starting to not listen to him. I had to tell him that we couldn't talk about this anymore. But he kept going. And I stayed there and heard more. When he finally paused, I walked away. Unfortunately, someone on the floor asked for my help with a task, and I tried to help her. But I couldn't fight my anger or my tears. And it showed. I had to leave the floor.

I realize my anger wasn't so much at the fact that he was vilifying our former coworker. It was the fact that he sounded like that hashtag. Like a significant amount of society. Like the people who don't take harassment seriously unless it's vulgar and forceful. Like people who think they could never hurt someone else, even unintentionally. I realize my anger flared up because I felt like my experiences were being trivialized and turned into irrationality. Like whenever I'm uncomfortable with a man I don't know, I'm just overreacting.

Who knows? Maybe we do overreact sometimes. Maybe it's a chain reaction in our minds that isn't realistic and shouldn't be there, but it's there. And there's a fucking reason for it. There have been times where we didn't react enough and we became victims. How do we keep ourselves from becoming victims again? We react to every little possible thing, and we watch it. It probably isn't the healthiest way to live. In this world we live in, it feels like it's the only way we can survive.

It's funny (not really). When a woman reacts negatively to a man's advances or even just friendly gestures, she's seen as cold and bitchy. But if she reacts to him warmly or positively, and he hurts her, well she just gave him the wrong message. It's still kinda her fault; she shouldn't have been so nice. As if, no matter what a woman does, whatever happens to her is by default her fault because everything she does as a woman causes someone else to do what they do.

Obviously, not everyone thinks like this. But too many people do.

I know a lot of nice people. Great people. Flawed people. I know I'm a nice person. But I don't delude myself anymore into thinking that I could never hurt someone else intentionally or otherwise. Especially in a way that I personally find detestable. I've come to realize that I can't control how someone else will perceive me. I can only alter my image so much. It's unfair for someone else to not see me as the good person I am. But I know people see life through their own lenses, their own experiences. I can't hold that against them. I won't.

Ugh. This whole thing pissed me off so much. So unbearable. I had to avoid talking to my coworker most of yesterday. Every time I thought about talking to him, I just ended up yelling at him in my head. I thought it would be best to not do that in reality.

I feel like I can't talk about this clearly because this issue affects me so much. Knowing so many people who have been harassed or assaulted, hearing all their stories and their fears. I also know where my coworker is coming from. I've been on both ends of this. I know the fear in all its rationality and irrationality. I also know the anger at the unfairness of being judged when I know I'm a good person. Being on the side of being judged and being angry, I still had power in that situation; my feelings were hurt, but I was safe. On the other side, I felt like I had no power and no security; I felt unprotected.

Ahh. My head... too many thoughts.

A person can know that they're a nice person. But how is anyone else supposed to know and believe that completely? I used to think anyone who treated me well was probably a good person. Most of the time, I still think that's true. But I've had my fair share of experiences with people who were nice and helpful but turned out to be very manipulative.

And sometimes, good people hurt others. Whether they know it. Whether they feel remorse afterward. None of it changes the fact that bad things have happened.

I need to stop thinking about this. I wish I could turn my brain off.


Anyway, I feel like I'm overreacting to this. Probably. I mean I should be pissed. But I shouldn't be so overly emotional about this. If I was in a better place in my life, I would have been upset but probably calmer than I've been. Been prone to emotional breakdowns, I guess.

So yesterday, I asked to step down as trainer. This conversation sent me over the edge when it shouldn't have. But it did. I take it as a sign that I'm not emotionally well. Not well enough to do my job to the best of my ability. I have my good days. But my bad days are too many, and they interfere with my work too much. It's unfair of me to put such sub-par effort into this job. It's unfair to the people who work under me. I've been feeling this way for months. But the past couple of days really drove that feeling home. My personal issues won't stay at home; they keep coming to work with me.

I just need to deal with them first before I could really provide more for this workplace. I need to find my peace and my balance again. I can't keep doing this whole stabilize-for-a-few-moments-and-hope-they-last thing. I really need to work on myself and my happiness.

I don't know if I'm happy with my decision. But I feel some relief, knowing that I don't have to be responsible for people soon enough. I won't have to be responsible for keeping them happy when I don't even know how to make myself happy.

I know my bosses are probably hoping that I'll change my mind. As much as I don't want to lose the pay and the freedom, I don't want this job. I don't think I can do it well if I don't want it. Especially if my personal problems keep getting in the way. I still have to train the next trainer. I'm going to try to keep myself together as best as possible until probably the end of December at the earliest.

I'm sure my coworkers are going to ask questions. I don't know what I'm going to tell them. Personal stuff? Got a lot going on? I don't know. Maybe I just won't answer.

I don't want to regret this decision. I feel like I won't. I'm stepping down. Not because I can't handle the job. I know I can do my job well. I know I am an asset to my team. There's just so much going on inside my head that I haven't been doing as well as I should, and I recognize that. I have to take care of myself. I have to remind myself to do it. I have to have other people remind me. This is the best decision I've made for myself in a while. I know that, but it is definitely hard to believe.

Holding out until January was the plan. I guess that was probably too much to expect of myself...

I should probably start looking for a part-time job to help supplement my income. The pay drop is going to be a little difficult. Also need to help out my family when I can. Can't really do that if I can barely pay for myself. They're not going to know about this situation. They can't.