I hit one of my lowest points yesterday.

I hadn't felt that hopeless and lost in a really long time. I made myself be alone, locked in my room for most of the day, with the wrong intentions. I drank past the point of caution. I didn't care. I knew I was going to get sick, and I still drank more than I knew I should have. And I was tempted to go beyond that. But I couldn't. I stopped. I don't know if it was because I didn't want to die or because I couldn't move anymore.

Afterward, when I could finally move again, I made that feeling of hopelessness and being lost a real one. 9:20 PM. I drove around San Jose with the hopes that it would help me calm down and think. I went up Calaveras, parked at a lookout point, stood in the cold and windy air for an hour, and then drove down Sierra. Then I drove to my mom's house. Then I drove up Bernal to IBM. Next was to turn around and reach the other end of Bernal. And I kept going. I found my way to Quimby somehow and turned right. And I kept going. At the end of Quimby, I turned right and just drove. For 20 miles. It was dark and empty. Lots of twists and turns. Lots of ups and downs. I didn't downshift. I didn't care. I could smell my brakes burning.

After 20 miles, I stopped. I didn't know where I was. Do I keep going, or do I turn around and go home? Do I stay there until the sun comes up? The thought of me dying on this road crossed my mind several times. But I had continued to drive. But at this point, when I finally really stopped my car, I realized I hadn't died. I drove as carefully (and recklessly) as I could. I was still alive. Do I still want to be alive?

I turned my car around and drove. 27 miles later, I'm on Alum Rock, heading toward a place I could fall asleep. I came back to the house I live in. 2:23 AM.

I remember almost everything I did yesterday, but I don't remember half the things I thought. But I know they were ugly thoughts.

I need to reflect on a lot of things and clear my head and conscience. Yesterday was the lowest point I reached in years. I did a lot of stupid and careless things. I didn't reach out to anyone, even though some had offered their love and time. I shut them out. All I saw was the ground, the dirt, and nothing else. I didn't deserve their love and time yesterday.

Strangely, today, I'm looking up. Yesterday's antics... I think I just needed to get a lot of shit out of me. Probably wasn't the best way to go about it, but I already feel a little better. I'm going to feel much better. I will reach out to someone. I will depend on my friends. I will learn how to not shut my loved ones out. I will struggle with this. But I will do my best not to do this to them again.

That alone-in-a-crowded-room feeling.

I have this new tendency to book a lot of fun events for myself and to forget that I can't be around people so often without breaks. Breaks of quiet. Breaks of solitude. Forcing my extroversion again, while ignoring my introvert needs.

I need to spend some time with myself. Outside. It has been months since the last time I did this. I've been surrounded by too many people for too long, as well as alone in the wrong environments for too long. Maybe this is why I haven't completely felt like my happy self in a while. Why I have felt disconnected, lonely, and out of place. I tend to only feel lonely when I'm interested in someone I can't have or when I'm surrounded by a lot of people. I currently find myself in both situations often haha.

Ugh. I need to take better care of myself, to stop running away, to refocus, and to find a new balance. If I could get myself back to how I felt in 2013, that would be great. Ideal.


Also, right now, I find myself somewhat enamored with two people, Cat and Amenda. It's strange to me. I tend to focus on one person and not notice anyone else. But this time, it's different. Funny thing is they're dating each other XD Yeah. They're both very attractive people. Their personalities make them even more attractive. Granted, I am very close friends with Cat now, and so my attraction to her is much stronger. I'm starting to get to know Amenda better; I have this feeling that my crush on her is going to grow, possibly to the level of attraction that I have to Cat. It's worrisome because I don't know what to do. I'm afraid I'll do something stupid.

I've been honest with Cat about this though. And I assume she tells Amenda everything. So yeah [shrug].

I've been thinking about this quite a bit. I'm conflicted. Not used to this more-than-one-girl interest haha. Also don't really wanna be feeling anything for anyone who's in a relationship. I normally shut people out of my life for a while to get over whatever feelings I may have for them. This time, I didn't do that with Cat. I'm trying to invest in our friendship, but that means I'm getting to know her better, which means my feelings get cemented a little more each time we talk. And I'm pretty that's starting to happen with Amenda... I'm playing a dangerous game with my emotions, knowing that nothing's coming out of this for me except for their friendships and my attachment.

Guess we'll see where this goes though... Hopefully nowhere bad haha. I just need to keep myself in check.

Always Making Changes

I'm always saying that I'm making changes, but I've been halfheartedly committing to the more difficult ones.

Just spent several hours with Vivi, who is visiting from Portland. Lots of listening, talking, venting, and being completely honest. Got a fresh perspective and an honest opinion. Acknowledged what's been going on and what changes I've really been wanting to make but been too afraid to do anything about.

I'm pretty sure I freaked out Vivi with some of the stuff I was saying. But really, talking to her helped me put my thoughts together.

Anyway, starting this week, I'm going to start implementing actual changes in my behavior and habits. As much as I want to just make sudden changes, I figure it's probably smarter to roll them out, so that I don't overwhelm myself. The sudden influx of changes in my life is what got me into the bad mental space that I've been living in the past few months.

I have a list of changes written down. Kinda like resolutions, but not really. Just more short-sighted goals that will hopefully contribute to a life-improving balance that I want to find. I won't be sharing the list with anyone. I want this to be mine only. At least for now. At the most, I'm going to ask people to hold me accountable. Just ask me how I'm doing with my changes. Am I doing better? I won't lie.

But yeah, I need to take better care of myself. I can't keep doing stupid things and running away from my problems. I need to stop running. I need to stand my ground. I want to have the strength to stand my ground and face my challenges.

I want to be happy with myself, as much as I was just a year ago. I want the happiness that I was able to give myself. It will happen somehow. I will make it happen. Slowly but surely.

----

Oh, celebrated NYE at a PopNYE. That was chill. A lot of unexpected things happened, I guess. Nothing seriously bad. I kissed a cute girl, whom I had just met that day, at midnight. It was nice. I got to cross NYE kiss off my bucket list haha. Danced with her all night. It was great. It was nice to have someone there with me. Someone who seemed like she really wanted to dance with me. Someone to hold me. Someone to kiss. Someone who just seemed interested. It's been a long time since I've been in any kind of situation like this, you know, with mutual interest involved haha. So it was a very pleasant surprise.

At the end of the night, she asked for my number. I may have mistyped it. Luckily, Facebook is a thing. Anyway, I was pretty hopeful about this for a day or two. But now, I'm just kinda mellowing out about it. She contacted me once but didn't continue the conversation. I texted her once, and again she didn't continue the conversation. I'm trying not to read into it. She could be busy, or she might not be interested. I'm just going to keep myself content with the thought that NYE was pretty amazing and we had fun together.

Make-up

I don't wear make-up. I don't like wearing make-up. I have worn make-up.

I used to think I was really unattractive. I mean, why else would people bully me when I was younger, yeah? Now that I'm older, I have come to learn that sometimes people bully others just because they can to make themselves feel better about themselves. So I know what I looked like didn't really have much to do with the bullying. I probably just looked like a weak and easy target. Anyway, at this point in my life, I don't necessarily think I'm attractive or beautiful. But I don't think I'm that bad-looking. If anything, I could pass for cute haha.

I have never wanted to wear make-up, even when I thought I was ugly. I didn't think make-up would help me. I also didn't want to feel like make-up was the only reason people would find me attractive. Plus, my skin likes to breathe and feel air... So I just accepted my not-pretty-ness and moved on with it.

I think I've worn make-up a handful of times in my entire life. A couple of times when I was a kid. My mom got me dressed up for Tet, Vietnamese New Year. There are photos. Actually, there are photos of me every time I've worn make-up. Hmm, I've only worn make-up because my mom made me do so.

I wore make-up for Junior Ball, my senior portrait, and Senior Ball. My mom wouldn't let me go to any of these unless I put on make-up. I didn't enjoy it, but I did it because I didn't want to miss out on my cliché high school experiences.

I don't really remember why I wanted to write about this. Just thoughts to get down, I guess.

Anyway, I realize that, on a shallow level, while I tend to find myself more physically attracted to femme women, I don't know if I would want to date someone who wears make-up often. I just want to be able to feel my partner's skin without gunk in the way haha. Natural beauty all the way :3 It just seems more real. I dunno how to explain it.

Just thinking back on all the people I've found myself interested in, I noticed that the people who kept my interest the longest did not wear make-up much if at all. In fact, they've been relatively in between masculine and feminine. I think they fit with me personality-wise better than the more feminine women I've been into.

Ugh, my brain is all over the place. I can't stick to the topic long enough to type my thoughts out. Blah.

Ultimately, all that surface stuff doesn't matter much. But I know my preferences. But they're just preferences. I can live with or without them.


Rawr. This is one of the worst blog entries I've written... Cannot make thoughts work haha. May revisit this topic in the future when thoughts work properly.

Anyway, time for a four-day weekend :D

2014 start, middle, and end?

2014 started off really well for me. Living on my own, got a promotion, made new friends.

2014 went well for the most part. I made it my Shenanigans Year. I've had a great share of fun and made many amazing memories this year. I cemented some friendships that I hope will last a lifetime. I have a wonderful support system that saved me so many times.

But 2014 has been rocky for a short while now. I don't know which direction 2014 is heading. I'm trying to stay positive and make it end well with all the plans and ideas I have. But, I guess, a lot has been happening. More than I can handle. So I'm a little uncertain how this year will end.

We will see how the next six weeks will go. I foresee many ups and downs. I will face them, and I will live. I am going to survive whatever troubles I face. I will build up my strength and defenses. I will make it as far as I can and be proud of myself.

Stepping down.

So Tuesday had started off better than expected. It didn't end well. I barely made it through half of my work day.

I had a conversation with a coworker sometime before lunch. He said things that angered me. He asked about two incidents that had happened at work when he first started because he found out someone had "complained" about him. The first incident he asked about was a sexual harassment issue. I explained what happened. He asked about a specific person involved in that situation. I explained. Then he asked about the complaint that person had about him. I explained that it was not a complaint but more of a method of self-preservation for someone who was very introverted. In his first week or so, he had tapped her on the shoulder or arm several times to ask for help or to wake her up when the bosses were walking around. She didn't feel comfortable with the physical contact. She asked me to separate them.

He felt affronted and probably hurt that someone would accuse him of being a creep. I tried to explain to him that the person who spoke to me about him didn't think he was a bad person; she just didn't want to be touched, but she didn't know how to tell him that without offending him.

I tried to explain to him that many women don't know how to respond to men because they don't know what the consequences of voicing their discomfort could be. But he just got angrier. And he basically said things that remind me of the hashtag NotAllMen.

"She's got problems if she doesn't know how to trust people."
"She can't assume every guy is gonna be a bad guy."
"There are nice guys, but she won't give them a chance."
"It's unfair of her to put me in the same box as those douches."
"She needs professional help/counseling if that's how she thinks."
"I was just trying to help her out, and she took it as a threat! Something's wrong with her!"

I started to get so angry hearing all these things. He wasn't listening to me. I was starting to not listen to him. I had to tell him that we couldn't talk about this anymore. But he kept going. And I stayed there and heard more. When he finally paused, I walked away. Unfortunately, someone on the floor asked for my help with a task, and I tried to help her. But I couldn't fight my anger or my tears. And it showed. I had to leave the floor.

I realize my anger wasn't so much at the fact that he was vilifying our former coworker. It was the fact that he sounded like that hashtag. Like a significant amount of society. Like the people who don't take harassment seriously unless it's vulgar and forceful. Like people who think they could never hurt someone else, even unintentionally. I realize my anger flared up because I felt like my experiences were being trivialized and turned into irrationality. Like whenever I'm uncomfortable with a man I don't know, I'm just overreacting.

Who knows? Maybe we do overreact sometimes. Maybe it's a chain reaction in our minds that isn't realistic and shouldn't be there, but it's there. And there's a fucking reason for it. There have been times where we didn't react enough and we became victims. How do we keep ourselves from becoming victims again? We react to every little possible thing, and we watch it. It probably isn't the healthiest way to live. In this world we live in, it feels like it's the only way we can survive.

It's funny (not really). When a woman reacts negatively to a man's advances or even just friendly gestures, she's seen as cold and bitchy. But if she reacts to him warmly or positively, and he hurts her, well she just gave him the wrong message. It's still kinda her fault; she shouldn't have been so nice. As if, no matter what a woman does, whatever happens to her is by default her fault because everything she does as a woman causes someone else to do what they do.

Obviously, not everyone thinks like this. But too many people do.

I know a lot of nice people. Great people. Flawed people. I know I'm a nice person. But I don't delude myself anymore into thinking that I could never hurt someone else intentionally or otherwise. Especially in a way that I personally find detestable. I've come to realize that I can't control how someone else will perceive me. I can only alter my image so much. It's unfair for someone else to not see me as the good person I am. But I know people see life through their own lenses, their own experiences. I can't hold that against them. I won't.

Ugh. This whole thing pissed me off so much. So unbearable. I had to avoid talking to my coworker most of yesterday. Every time I thought about talking to him, I just ended up yelling at him in my head. I thought it would be best to not do that in reality.

I feel like I can't talk about this clearly because this issue affects me so much. Knowing so many people who have been harassed or assaulted, hearing all their stories and their fears. I also know where my coworker is coming from. I've been on both ends of this. I know the fear in all its rationality and irrationality. I also know the anger at the unfairness of being judged when I know I'm a good person. Being on the side of being judged and being angry, I still had power in that situation; my feelings were hurt, but I was safe. On the other side, I felt like I had no power and no security; I felt unprotected.

Ahh. My head... too many thoughts.

A person can know that they're a nice person. But how is anyone else supposed to know and believe that completely? I used to think anyone who treated me well was probably a good person. Most of the time, I still think that's true. But I've had my fair share of experiences with people who were nice and helpful but turned out to be very manipulative.

And sometimes, good people hurt others. Whether they know it. Whether they feel remorse afterward. None of it changes the fact that bad things have happened.

I need to stop thinking about this. I wish I could turn my brain off.


Anyway, I feel like I'm overreacting to this. Probably. I mean I should be pissed. But I shouldn't be so overly emotional about this. If I was in a better place in my life, I would have been upset but probably calmer than I've been. Been prone to emotional breakdowns, I guess.

So yesterday, I asked to step down as trainer. This conversation sent me over the edge when it shouldn't have. But it did. I take it as a sign that I'm not emotionally well. Not well enough to do my job to the best of my ability. I have my good days. But my bad days are too many, and they interfere with my work too much. It's unfair of me to put such sub-par effort into this job. It's unfair to the people who work under me. I've been feeling this way for months. But the past couple of days really drove that feeling home. My personal issues won't stay at home; they keep coming to work with me.

I just need to deal with them first before I could really provide more for this workplace. I need to find my peace and my balance again. I can't keep doing this whole stabilize-for-a-few-moments-and-hope-they-last thing. I really need to work on myself and my happiness.

I don't know if I'm happy with my decision. But I feel some relief, knowing that I don't have to be responsible for people soon enough. I won't have to be responsible for keeping them happy when I don't even know how to make myself happy.

I know my bosses are probably hoping that I'll change my mind. As much as I don't want to lose the pay and the freedom, I don't want this job. I don't think I can do it well if I don't want it. Especially if my personal problems keep getting in the way. I still have to train the next trainer. I'm going to try to keep myself together as best as possible until probably the end of December at the earliest.

I'm sure my coworkers are going to ask questions. I don't know what I'm going to tell them. Personal stuff? Got a lot going on? I don't know. Maybe I just won't answer.

I don't want to regret this decision. I feel like I won't. I'm stepping down. Not because I can't handle the job. I know I can do my job well. I know I am an asset to my team. There's just so much going on inside my head that I haven't been doing as well as I should, and I recognize that. I have to take care of myself. I have to remind myself to do it. I have to have other people remind me. This is the best decision I've made for myself in a while. I know that, but it is definitely hard to believe.

Holding out until January was the plan. I guess that was probably too much to expect of myself...

I should probably start looking for a part-time job to help supplement my income. The pay drop is going to be a little difficult. Also need to help out my family when I can. Can't really do that if I can barely pay for myself. They're not going to know about this situation. They can't.

How will 2014 end? Good or bad?

I've been thinking about what I want. How to achieve what I want. When to do it. Just lost in thought about things. I still don't really know what I want. I have ideas of what I want, but nothing is certain in my head.

I wanted to get an industrial piercing yesterday. But the piercing shop employee I talked to said that my ear wasn't the right shape for that style and it could easily rip out. Plus, glasses would get in the way and mess with the healing process /: Sad day. I was disappointed for sure. The one piercing type that I like, I shouldn't get. The employee suggested a different type of piercing, but I'm not really sold on any other styles. Oh well, at least my friend John got his ears pierced :)

So now, instead, I want to get a tattoo. But I need to design it first. It will happen. Eventually.

My goals for the end of 2014 are to end it with a bang or as spectacularly as possible :D and to cross off two things from my bucket list. Unfortunately, the piercing will not be one of those two things. And I have plenty of things on the list to do; I just need to put in the time, money, and/or effort to do them.

I'm going out pretty often. Friends are surprised haha. I'm surprised too. Shenanigans Year, though. Say yes to everything I want to do. I'm pretty exhausted though. But I don't want to miss out. Once 2015 starts, I have a feeling that my hermit-like ways will resurface. Though, I also have a feeling that I'll still go out a lot haha. Maybe not like one to three times a week, but still somewhat frequently.

I haven't been spending much time by myself. Maybe that's why it's been difficult for me to find a balance in my life. I feel like I've been more depressed more easily and more frequently in the past few months. I don't think I'm handling things very well. I feel like chaos on the inside sometimes. Then I have my good moments, and I think, "What's wrong with me? I'm happy right now. It's stupid of me to be sad." Those moments don't last long enough.

I've been considering stepping down from my position at work. It's not super stressful. But it's taxing enough that sometimes I just want to shut down and not be there. Nothing even happens at work. I'm ok with everyone there, even the few people I had disagreements with. We're cool, but I still feel stressed out. I can't handle even a tiny bit of stress now without wanting to break down. Little bits of criticism or even concern have me fighting back lumps in my throat.

It's not always like this. But when it is, it just feels terrible. I wish I could do better. I wish I could make myself happy. I've done it before. I can do it again. Somehow.

I try to remind myself that I have plenty of good days to look forward to.

I made myself a better person. Right now, I might be regressing a little. But I can do better again.

I have this worry that I've been going out a lot just to distract myself from how unhappy I've been feeling. Well, it's not a worry. It's just true. But I don't want to stop. I want to have fun, no matter how fleeting these moments of fun are. A burst of happiness and excitement here and there helps...

All this thinking. No doing. Or I'm not doing the right things to help myself. I don't even know what to do to help myself.


Tangent: I feel selfish. I want to be selfish. I won't let myself be that selfish.

Simply put: It's like a Catch-22. I'm sad. I want to be happy. I want to be with someone who makes me happy. But I don't want to depend on someone else to make me happy. I want to be happy before I pursue something serious. But I feel like I won't be that happy until I meet someone.

It's not someone else's job to make me happy. I need to find my happiness first. I want to be able to bring and add happiness into a relationship, not just gain happiness from it. If I really care about the other person, I wouldn't use them like that. It just sucks to feel so damn lonely all the time.

I just want someone here. Someone who gets me, who holds me. I just miss being held, feeling safe.


Blah. Enough rambling. I think I just need more rest and more time to myself. Or at least do things that are more mellow. Need to find my balance again.

2014 should end well. With lots of happiness. Contentment. Steadiness. Stability. Balance. More strength. Just all the good I have (that's currently being overshadowed by my negativity).

I'm Jaded.

Hmm... I'm jaded? Jaded about people, dating, and relationships... Jaded. It all makes sense now haha.

Even though I have very, very little dating experience, I've witnessed a lot of things go down in the relationships of the people around me. All the stuff that has happened over the years definitely shaped how I view romance and dating. (People can be fucking crazy.)

I'm still hopeful. I have hope. But my realistic side is starting to have a stronger hold on my ability to reason. My emotional side will always be hopeful but uncertain. My rational side just knows anything can happen and not everything I want will be the right fit. And, more often than not, it knows that emotions cloud judgment.

What do I want in my life right now? Do I want a serious relationship? Do I just want to have fun and mess around? I kinda want both. But I know I want the serious more than anything. Do I feel ready for that though? I know I'm ready. Despite whatever stress I'm experiencing in my life at this point, I know I can handle a serious relationship. I'm in a good place. I'm happy with myself, moreso than ever. Obviously, I have my days where I don't feel that happiness and I struggle. But overall, I'm good. I'm ready.

I think what I'm not ready for is meeting people. Meeting the wrong people. Meeting the right people. Meeting them at the wrong time.

Lately, I feel like I've been meeting people at the wrong time. They're not ready. I'm not ready. I'm too ready.

With the various conversations I've had with friends over the past month or two, I've continually come to the conclusion that the people I've been interested in are "not good enough" for me. More my friends' words than my own. I just say we're on different levels. Or we're not on the same page or in the same book. I don't think I'm too good for anyone. I just think I'm meeting people that aren't quite where I am or vice versa. And we can't get to the same place together. We're out of alignment.

I'm starting to come to this conclusion on my own without help or input from friends. Just did about someone I recently met. I still think she's cute and sweet. But stepping back, I can kinda see an overall view of her, and it's not necessarily what I want. It's also not necessarily what I don't want. My interest in her is just that. Interest. Nothing provocative or irresistible.

I normally obsess when I'm interested because it's so rare that I'm interested. But it's not rare that I feel lonely. I want to feel loved and wanted. So I normally wish and hope that things work out, just to make the loneliness go away.

This time, I started to do that. But reality stepped in. Things and thoughts happened. Now, here I am, not obsessing in the way I normally do. Now, I feel like I'm being realistic and thoughtful. Alcohol-influenced events also helped move my thoughts in this direction.

The people I initially find myself attracted to don't always turn out to be the people I would actually want to be with. It usually just takes a damn long time for me to get that through my head. I'm learning now. How to remember that. Remember that attraction to a person, whether physical or emotional, doesn't necessarily mean anything.

I'm afraid I'll end up alone. I'm afraid I'll never meet someone I can connect with. I want to make a connection. I'm afraid that the people that I want to make a connection with aren't really the ones I want. I'm afraid I'll settle. I'm afraid I don't know when to settle or when to try harder to get something that I feel like I don't deserve. I'm afraid I won't know how to figure out if someone is worth my time and attention. I don't want to waste any of it on the wrong people. But maybe that's what I need to do to find the right people. Maybe the wrong people can become the right people. I don't know.

There's always something that holds me back or just trips me up when it comes to someone I'm interested in. But I'm learning. Sometimes, maybe what trips me up is the fact that I'm interested in someone just for the sake of finding someone.

I just need to stop looking. Or yearning. It's clouding my judgment. Maybe I should stop being interested in people who won't grow up, who won't give me the time of day, who won't connect with me, who just don't seem to be on my level. Those seem to be the only people I can meet lately.

Maybe I'm not jaded. Maybe I'm just being more mature than I normally am about this kinda thing.

Nah, I think I'm jaded :P and deliriously incoherent.

Family Health

For the past couple of months, my family has been dealing with some health scares.

Mother's cancer may have progressed. It's been a decade. She's got a growth near the site of her mastectomy. Apparently, it's been there for a couple of years, but she never mentioned it. And no health professionals noticed because, honestly, who would think that breast cancer would show up where there's no breast? Mother finally went to the doctor's. She's been seeing various doctors. They're unsure if it's cancer or if it's just a benign growth.

The course of action appears to be chemo for eight months, surgery, and then radiation for who knows how long. She'll hear about a more definite timeline tomorrow. I think Brother is going with her.

As for Brother, he went to the ER two months ago for a sudden, persistent pain in his left eye, which worsened whenever he moved his eye. Extremely blurry vision. Inability to see distinguish the color red. Doctors determined it to be optic neuritis. They gave him steroids to help ease the pain and improve his vision. They said the vision problems and pain may come and go in the future. In trying to pinpoint the cause, they tested him for MS. Tests came back negative. They still don't know what caused it. The pain lessened, and his vision got better. They let him go home after a couple of days.

About two weeks ago, Brother went back to the emergency room for severe headaches that lasted a few weeks. He had viral meningitis. Doctors kept him in the hospital for just less than a week. Tests. Brother was irritated because that meant he couldn't work. Family had to remind him that the doctors were doing their best and he couldn't work for long if his infection prevented him from doing so anyway.

Doctors treated the meningitis. Luckily, it was determined to be not contagious. Brother still has to go back to the hospital for more tests. Doctors are still uncertain as to what caused the infection since Brother does not travel and he didn't do any of the things that the doctors said could cause viral meningitis.

Today, Brother said, even though it might not be MS, it might still be some other autoimmune disease. I know very little about autoimmune diseases, but I've heard they're not really curable but can be manageable.

So yeah, that's how part of my family is doing now.

I mentally checked out when all this happened at once. On autopilot around my family. I feel guilty about that, but I don't know what to do. I haven't been around. I don't want to think about it. But today, I checked myself back in. I've been selfish. I still want to be selfish, but I also want to support my family. So I'm trying. Matt told me I was having a fight-or-flight reaction; I immediately chose flight. I'm making myself choose the other option now.

We will deal with everything as it comes. Who knows? Maybe it won't end up too badly.

I need to try to keep myself in the real world. I have to try to not tune it out. Family stress added to work stress. I've been feeling like I can't handle anything. It's been terrifying. I felt like giving up. On what? I don't know. I just wanted to give up.

I feel better today. Finally. I just spent most of the day by myself. It was great. I'm not at 100%, but I'm much better than I was yesterday and better than how I've been the past month or so. I'm still getting a little anxious and nervous at times when I start thinking too much. But then I just try to remember that I need to take everything one step at a time and one day at a time. I need to be strong for my family. I need to be there for them.

I also need to learn how to ask for help. I thought I did. But I'm always backtracking because I don't want to bother people with my problems that aren't really my problems. I need to learn how to stop worrying and fretting so much.

Happier news: Miah is crawling and standing herself up now. She laughs and shouts more. She also only likes me sometimes :P I think I give off too much heat. She really doesn't like to be hot. Also, I haven't been around much. But I think she recognizes me when she does see me. She's also just more attached to everyone else in my family.

I should try to be around more often.

Bisexual, Homoromantic

Thinking about things and recent conversations, I guess I'm really not as open to the possibility of being emotionally attracted to men. Or I'm open to it, but I really don't think it could happen.

Physically, I'm attracted to both men and women. Though, I definitely find women more attractive most of the time.

Emotionally, I thought I was completely open to either gender. But I think I'm only saying that because I don't want to close off my opportunities with men, despite never really having experienced any attraction to or feelings for them that were as strong as the ones I've felt for women.

But I will be honest. The closest I've ever felt like that for a guy was only in recent years. And that was Matt C haha. He has a lot of qualities that I find attractive in a partner. But he's gay--if he was attracted to women, maybe I would have asked him out a long time ago. But I'm also thinking I probably feel this way about him because he is gay--it's safe to feel this way for him because I don't actually want him to reciprocate the feelings.

The idea of being emotionally attracted to a man doesn't really do much for me. Recently, I've found myself at least physically attracted to two different people, one male and one female, both of which I know somewhat equally well. I've been thinking about hypothetical situations.

Also, some probably irrelevant background: I'm so used to pursuing people. For several months, I had been thinking about putting that on pause. I recently decided that I'm going to not pursue anyone. At least not for a long while. I just need to let it all be. See if maybe life will let someone else's path cross mine and see if someone else will explore this new path. Instead of exploring a new one myself. I just want to see what happens if anything. Though, it's difficult to not pursue someone when I'm interested haha.

So back to the hypothetical situations:

I've been wondering, if the guy asked me out, whether I would say yes and explore that possibility. I would have to think about it.

What if the girl asked me out? Would I say yes to her? I would want to say yes to her without thinking.

If both asked me out, I think I would hold out for the girl.

I'm physically attracted to the guy, but I don't think I really want to give him a chance. I just don't see it happening. I'd just be wondering if I should just wait for a girl to come along.

Also, I really want to get to know and to pursue the girl, but I'm kinda super wary of rejection currently (and, like I said, just let things be). I haven't felt any urge to pursue the guy but maybe to get to know him better as a friend.

Ugh, my brain. My feelings. I hate them sometimes. I want to be open to saying yes to guys. But I just can't feel it happening. I want myself to say yes and just explore it. But I already know I won't find what I want. I'm quite sure, like 99% sure, that I will find what I want and need in another woman. (Obviously, if I ever happen to meet a man who just knocks all these questions out and fulfills me wholly as a person, then I would be happy with him. But right now, I'm sure I won't be meeting any guy like that.)


Anyway, I guess what this all leads to is the realization that I really can only see myself with a woman. The best way to describe myself now is bisexual and homoromantic haha. But queer still works too. My description of my sexuality doesn't actually change much though. For the past four or so years, I've been telling people that I find women much more attractive than men; that I'm pretty sure I'll end up with a woman, but I'm not averse to the idea of being with a man. Now, I just have to say I think I am a little averse. I really just haven't met many if any guys who really pull me in like women have.

Bisexual, homoromantic. Hmm. I guess I just have to come to terms with this. It's not a big deal, but it kinda still feels like one. Hmm.

Unbearable heaviness.

It's been a long time since I've felt this low.

It's that heavy, sinking, drowning feeling.

I feel like I'm back in high school. I can't control this sadness. I can't control anything. I feel all this negativity and anger. But I feel nothing too.

God, I hate this mess of emotion.

I really wanted to believe I put it all completely behind me. I'm happy with where I am. I'm amazed that I'm here. Why can't I just keep this happiness going?

Sometimes, I wonder if I'm just deluding myself into believing that I'm happier. Maybe I'm the same as I was years ago. No better off.

Everything that used to haunt me is still there. Most days, they're just there, but they don't bother me. They're not haunting anymore. But today, it feels like nothing ever changed.

I feel like that lost little kid again. I feel alone. And I feel like I hate myself.

Giving myself moments of calm...

A lot of bad news lately. Or maybe not. It just feels like it. And I don't want to face any of it.

I think my slightly rational side is recognizing that I'm starting to cut myself off from people again. I don't think it's showing. But I recognize something that happens--I don't know what it is, but it's there--when I'm about to push people away or distance myself. It's something I haven't done in so long. I was making so much progress.

I feel like I'm starting to give up on the progress. I don't want to, but I can't help it.

What the fuck is wrong with me? I hope that whatever clarity I might have is enough.

I finally set foot outside of California.

This past weekend was the first time I took a vacation after entering the workforce :P And it was amazing.

First time leaving California. First time on a road trip with multiple friends (Matt C, Tuan T, Ray C, and Kevin R). First time in Las Vegas. First time at EDC. First Ferris wheel ride. First time listening to a live set by myself. A bunch of firsts.

Some unfortunate things happened. Long drive to LV Thursday night to Friday morning made us all very tired for the start of EDC. Missed a few DJs I really wanted to see. Missed several meet-ups with friends because of terrible cell phone reception and lack of Internet/Wi-Fi. But overall, a good weekend. Tried the buffets at Caesar's Palace and the Bellagio. Had In-N-Out a couple of times. Got stuck in traffic going from the hotel to the Speedway, but interacted with fellow attendees along the way. Drained all my energy from being around 400k+ people--too many people, but great energy. But too many. I think my body went into shock from the amount of people that were there haha. Pretty sure I fell asleep the first night in the stands at 3 in the morning.

Full DJ sets that I experienced: Cedric Gervais, Hardwell, Armin van Buuren, Gareth Emery, Kaskade, Tiesto, Andrew Rayel, Mat Zo (by myself), Above & Beyond, Axwell /\ Ingrosso, Tommy Trash (missed the ending), Dash Berlin (last time).

Partial DJ sets: Madeon, Orjan Nilsen, Astrix, Paul Oakenfold.

Missed DJ sets: 3LAU, Dyro & Dannic, Cazzette, Sander van Doorn, Bingo Players, R3hab, Alesso, Paul van Dyk.
I will experience their all live sets eventually.

I wish I could have recorded everything that happened, but it was just a very tiring weekend. I got very little sleep or food. Just tried my best to enjoy everything in the moment it happened.

After EDC, I slept from 4PM Monday to 8:30AM Tuesday. I woke up and felt amazing haha. The drive back to SJ was much better than the drive from there. I was awake for most of it. Plenty of energy until I reached home.

Anyway, after this experience, I was perfectly fine not coming back to Vegas or attending EDC again. It could remain a one-time experience, and I would be fine with that. But my friends want to go again. So I'll probably go again next year too :P Maybe I'll get to see all the DJs I missed this time. We'll also be better prepared. Less exhaustion hopefully.

Can't wait!