A continuation of yesterday's entry. Kinda.
I think I'm content with my friendships. They can stay strong. They can ebb and flow. They can fade out. They can die. They can resurrect themselves.
But I guess I still wonder whether it's my fault friendships don't stay strong because I don't try to keep in touch. I don't try to get the conversations going.
I've lost touch with so many people over the years because I stopped trying to talk to them. I don't try. I don't try to talk to Shiva. I don't try to talk to Harrison, Matt, Ariane, Autumn, Maggie, or anybody I've ever considered to be a close friend. Would I lose these friendships if I don't ever start the conversation once in a while? Would they get tired of always having to be the ones to get me to talk?
I should ask my friends how they feel about their friendships with me instead of wondering.
Facebook made it so easy to "keep in touch." All I had to do was send a friend request and wish them a happy birthday once a year. That was keeping in touch...
Did I really need to keep in touch with all those Facebook friends? Why? Why did I need to prevent the eventual fading out of friendships with people whom I barely spoke to in real life? Maybe I should lose touch with people. The ones who want to stay will stay. Those who don't won't. Yes?
I guess the question is... Do I want to stay? Is my lack of making contact an indication that I don't want to stay? Or that I don't care to stay?
I'm afraid I don't know myself all that well. But I guess the self-questioning is good, yeah? A part of the self improvement thing I'm going for? I suppose I need a little help figuring myself out. I feel like I'm either too easy or too hard on myself to really understand the person that I am and to become the person I can be proud of. The kind of friend I am to people makes me wonder how good of a person I can be...
Friday, November 2, 2012
Thursday, November 1, 2012
I'm terrible at keeping in touch.
Or maybe I just don't care to try harder.
I've recently been preoccupied by how well I stay in touch with people. Or rather how I don't keep in touch.
I finally deactivated my Facebook account on Monday. I logged in to check some info about Brother's birthday dinner. Then I decided to once and for all deactivate the account. I thought about deleting it completely, but I have memories on there that I would first like to save to a hard drive before I delete. But that might be a while or never. In any case, my account is deactivated. I don't think most friends noticed. That just attests to how much I talked to people on Facebook anyway. And the only people I ever really talked to on Facebook were people I already spoke to in person frequently.
So now that I'm no longer on Facebook and I've graduated from SJSU, I've been more reclusive than I used to be during vacations. Or I've been wanting to be more reclusive. Throughout October, I just wanted to be alone, except I went out to be surrounded by people just about every weekend. For important people's birthdays.
I'm hoping this mood I'm in will go away soon. Irritability is also accompanying this mood because while I wish to be alone, I'm never alone for long enough. Someone always has to interrupt my solitude before I'm ready. Why can't I just be alone when I want to be?
Anyway, I'm forgetting where this is supposed to go... Oh yeah, I'm horrible at keeping in touch. I've realized I rarely ever contact other people. Thus, I rarely talk to my friends. Shiva and I go days without talking before she eventually calls or texts me. Most of my friends and I go weeks or months without saying a word to each other. Seriously, I think they are always the ones contacting me, if they do at all. Even when Shiva and I were dating, or when I was pursuing her, I didn't call or text her first. It was her starting these conversations 95% of the time.
I'm accepting that that's just how I am and really how I've always been. When I used to start conversations with people, I felt like I had to force myself sometimes. I'm not forcing myself anymore. I hope none of my friends take it personally, if they've noticed. It's not that they're not special or important enough for me to keep in touch with them. I just don't naturally do that. We'll talk when we talk.
Is it strange that I'm ok with this? Is it bad? Or am I really just being lazy and unappreciative of my friends?
I dunno. I feel like I appreciate my friends. When we do talk. When we make time for each other. When I remember our shared experiences. I just don't feel like calling anyone. Or texting them. I never do. I think I feel guilty but not. I dunno how to explain it... I guess this kinda makes me feel abnormal. Never really trying to contact my friends. Never really starting the conversation.
Blah. My thoughts are going on to a related topic, but I don't want to talk about that one here. So I think I'm done with this topic for now.
Something completely unrelated:
Last night was Halloween. We hadn't handed out candy pretty much since I was in high school. Mother didn't want to hand out candy this year either. She was afraid someone would use the holiday to rob us. But I felt bad for the little kiddies. So the idea was to leave a bowl of candy outside the door and leave it be. Except when the first three or four trick-or-treaters came, Mother kept opening the door to greet them because they sounded adorable. I pointed out that it defeated the purpose of leaving the candy out. So I told her to either take the bowl in and just hand it out as the kids came or stop opening the door. She got mad at me for pointing out the not-very-smart nature of her actions.
Every year when Halloween comes around, she's always talking about how someone could use kids as decoys for us to open the door and the adults could rush in once the door's open. The bowl was there to prevent such an occurrence. She was basically "putting herself in danger" last night. Why did I get in trouble for trying to "save her"? -_- So annoyed.
Oh well. At least I enjoyed Halloween with a Scream marathon. I realized I had only watched the first and third installment before yesterday. But going through all four movies was fun. I was so close to getting through all four movies without jumping -w-" Jumped twice during the fourth movie. Rawr. So close. Anyway, yay for meta comedy horror!
Ooh, btw, I celebrated Brother's birthday with his friends for the first time on Monday. We went to Grill 'Em Steakhouse. It was interesting to watch him get drunker as the night went on. I met his friends, but I didn't really talk to any of them. I was being the oddball, quiet younger sister. It was awkward. I really didn't try to talk to anyone. Maybe I should have tried. Oh well. What's done is done.
At least Brother was happy I was there :) So the awkwardness was worth it, I guess haha.
Anyway, two months until 2013 starts. 2012 has flown by so quickly. I still remember the events of this year so well. It's been a life-changing year. Well, just like any other, but more so in certain aspects of my life. More dancing. More awareness. More positive feelings and mindset. More getting-to-a-good-place. But also more irritability. More drama. More loss.
I wonder what 2013 will bring. Probably more of the same haha.
I've recently been preoccupied by how well I stay in touch with people. Or rather how I don't keep in touch.
I finally deactivated my Facebook account on Monday. I logged in to check some info about Brother's birthday dinner. Then I decided to once and for all deactivate the account. I thought about deleting it completely, but I have memories on there that I would first like to save to a hard drive before I delete. But that might be a while or never. In any case, my account is deactivated. I don't think most friends noticed. That just attests to how much I talked to people on Facebook anyway. And the only people I ever really talked to on Facebook were people I already spoke to in person frequently.
So now that I'm no longer on Facebook and I've graduated from SJSU, I've been more reclusive than I used to be during vacations. Or I've been wanting to be more reclusive. Throughout October, I just wanted to be alone, except I went out to be surrounded by people just about every weekend. For important people's birthdays.
I'm hoping this mood I'm in will go away soon. Irritability is also accompanying this mood because while I wish to be alone, I'm never alone for long enough. Someone always has to interrupt my solitude before I'm ready. Why can't I just be alone when I want to be?
Anyway, I'm forgetting where this is supposed to go... Oh yeah, I'm horrible at keeping in touch. I've realized I rarely ever contact other people. Thus, I rarely talk to my friends. Shiva and I go days without talking before she eventually calls or texts me. Most of my friends and I go weeks or months without saying a word to each other. Seriously, I think they are always the ones contacting me, if they do at all. Even when Shiva and I were dating, or when I was pursuing her, I didn't call or text her first. It was her starting these conversations 95% of the time.
I'm accepting that that's just how I am and really how I've always been. When I used to start conversations with people, I felt like I had to force myself sometimes. I'm not forcing myself anymore. I hope none of my friends take it personally, if they've noticed. It's not that they're not special or important enough for me to keep in touch with them. I just don't naturally do that. We'll talk when we talk.
Is it strange that I'm ok with this? Is it bad? Or am I really just being lazy and unappreciative of my friends?
I dunno. I feel like I appreciate my friends. When we do talk. When we make time for each other. When I remember our shared experiences. I just don't feel like calling anyone. Or texting them. I never do. I think I feel guilty but not. I dunno how to explain it... I guess this kinda makes me feel abnormal. Never really trying to contact my friends. Never really starting the conversation.
Blah. My thoughts are going on to a related topic, but I don't want to talk about that one here. So I think I'm done with this topic for now.
Something completely unrelated:
Last night was Halloween. We hadn't handed out candy pretty much since I was in high school. Mother didn't want to hand out candy this year either. She was afraid someone would use the holiday to rob us. But I felt bad for the little kiddies. So the idea was to leave a bowl of candy outside the door and leave it be. Except when the first three or four trick-or-treaters came, Mother kept opening the door to greet them because they sounded adorable. I pointed out that it defeated the purpose of leaving the candy out. So I told her to either take the bowl in and just hand it out as the kids came or stop opening the door. She got mad at me for pointing out the not-very-smart nature of her actions.
Every year when Halloween comes around, she's always talking about how someone could use kids as decoys for us to open the door and the adults could rush in once the door's open. The bowl was there to prevent such an occurrence. She was basically "putting herself in danger" last night. Why did I get in trouble for trying to "save her"? -_- So annoyed.
Oh well. At least I enjoyed Halloween with a Scream marathon. I realized I had only watched the first and third installment before yesterday. But going through all four movies was fun. I was so close to getting through all four movies without jumping -w-" Jumped twice during the fourth movie. Rawr. So close. Anyway, yay for meta comedy horror!
Ooh, btw, I celebrated Brother's birthday with his friends for the first time on Monday. We went to Grill 'Em Steakhouse. It was interesting to watch him get drunker as the night went on. I met his friends, but I didn't really talk to any of them. I was being the oddball, quiet younger sister. It was awkward. I really didn't try to talk to anyone. Maybe I should have tried. Oh well. What's done is done.
At least Brother was happy I was there :) So the awkwardness was worth it, I guess haha.
Anyway, two months until 2013 starts. 2012 has flown by so quickly. I still remember the events of this year so well. It's been a life-changing year. Well, just like any other, but more so in certain aspects of my life. More dancing. More awareness. More positive feelings and mindset. More getting-to-a-good-place. But also more irritability. More drama. More loss.
I wonder what 2013 will bring. Probably more of the same haha.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Life goes on, and you go on with it.
I used to say this to myself all the time. Always just a reminder that I shouldn't dwell.
It's also a comforting thing for me, I guess.
When I was younger, it was just something to say so that I'd stop being angsty or depressed. "No one really cares. No one notices. Bad things happen. Just let it go."
Now, I say it to myself because I know it's true and it's a good reminder. "Bad things happen, but so do good things. Dwelling on bad things doesn't make good things happen. Moments of sadness and anger pass. But so do the moments of happiness and joy. Lingering on any moment prevents you from experiencing the next moment."
I don't remember where I was going with this. But I'm sure it was a positive ending haha.
It's also a comforting thing for me, I guess.
When I was younger, it was just something to say so that I'd stop being angsty or depressed. "No one really cares. No one notices. Bad things happen. Just let it go."
Now, I say it to myself because I know it's true and it's a good reminder. "Bad things happen, but so do good things. Dwelling on bad things doesn't make good things happen. Moments of sadness and anger pass. But so do the moments of happiness and joy. Lingering on any moment prevents you from experiencing the next moment."
I don't remember where I was going with this. But I'm sure it was a positive ending haha.
Friday, August 31, 2012
I want to be a good friend.
I always offer my time and my shoulders to my friends. I always want to be there for them.
Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.
I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.
And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.
I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.
Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.
This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.
I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.
-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.
In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...
But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.
I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.
I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.
What do you think that says about me?
Some friends take what is offered. Some don't. Some take and don't even acknowledge it. Some pretend to acknowledge but overlook the good that is offered.
I suppose I can't be a good friend to everyone. Is it wrong that I do not wish to be there for and support someone who seems to overlook my friendship? I feel like I should be the "bigger" person and just be there, even though it tears at me that I'm there but they don't see it that way. They feel "forever alone." I was there. But now I don't really want to be. But I still am.
And it just hurts to be there and to feel like I can't make any difference in their life. Because I know I can't. I can only say what's on my mind. I can't change someone else's life. So I've learned to just listen, to be present, and to offer what I can offer. Still, it feels like what I do doesn't do anything. They won't take the steps to change, and I haven't been able to convince them. They're content in their misery. They're content to wallow. No matter how many words of encouragement I try to give, they won't try to help themselves. They just stay in the rut that they've made a home of.
I know what it's like to be in a place like that. I was there for the longest time. Sometimes, I feel tempted to go back. But I have friends and myself to keep me up and keep me from going back to that. I still have a lot to work on, but I'm trying to change the way I think and live. My friends have been able to make similar changes in their own lives. Their presence in my life is part of my motivation for my self-improvement.
Anyone who reminds me of where I used to be... I can empathize. That's why I do want to be there for them. I just don't think I have the patience to continue to stick around and feel useless in helping them get through tough times. I'm tired of walking on eggshells when what I have to say is something that they already know but don't want to hear.
This is how I see this friend... That's why I don't think I could be a good friend to them.
I dunno. I feel petty for thinking like this.
-sigh- Taking things in stride. Or trying to. I don't know how I'm doing.
In random news, I'm getting new glasses soon. Or rather just new (transition) lenses but in Shiva's old frames, which are new to me :P Yay, Costco. Saving money where I can. Except I don't think I saved that much -_- But yeah, should be getting them next week or the week after. Hopefully next week :)
More random news, my mom and I recently figured out that we used to know Vivi's aunt when I was a child. What a small world... Life is so full of possibilities, but we receive and take few chances. Or so it seems. Maybe we just miss the chances we wish we could have somehow seen first. A missed reconnection for Vivi's aunt and my mom. So close, yet so far...
But next week, we'll reconnect with her when we visit her at Oak Hill with flowers and apples. Buddhist ritual? I guess so.
I've noticed something about this year. I've had a lot of friends call me while crying. I mean I know it's not unusual to get those calls, but I feel like there have been so many (for me) in the past eight months. I just couldn't help but notice. A part of me feels good that my friends feel like they can turn to me in moments of such sadness and pain. But another part of me feels sad that my friends go through so much at all.
I wish I could be as strong as them. To have the strength to trust someone else during a time of vulnerability. I confide in my friends but only when the opportunity is presented or offered. I've never called a friend, not even Shiva, in any of my dark moments. I've never sought a friend when I knew I needed one. I don't know if I'll ever be strong enough to seek out a good friend when I need one most.
What do you think that says about me?
Sunday, August 26, 2012
Resolutions
For life... :D
I realize I haven't mentioned any resolutions for 2012 yet. I have resolutions. Not just for 2012. More for my whole life. Hmm, it's more of a multi-part resolution for self-improvement:
I know I won't be perfect, and I know I regress. But I'm trying. I think I've been doing pretty well. I don't really have anything to gauge my progress. But I feel like I'm heading toward a point in my life where I am satisfied with myself, the person I'm becoming. I open up and confide in more than one person now. I'm getting better with being honest haha. I haven't lied about anything important XP I'm most definitely happy being by myself now that I'm choosing to spend more time alone than with people. But when I am around people, I'm a lot better at not being so closed off. But I don't try too hard to get a conversation going. I realize I'm not a fan of small talk. If I'm gonna ask you something, I must really want to know your answer. I'm confronting people who hurt me. Well, except Mother. That's still something I need to figure out how to approach. Standing up to people really just applies to Mother. Again, still thinking that one out. But I've occasionally been emotionally strong enough to confront her about some things. That's new and scary, but I'm doing it. Thinking with my logic and emotions is difficult. Still trying to find that balance...
I guess this resolution thing is just always for self-improvement. For me, self-improvement just means becoming a person that I can be proud of. And not hate or feel ashamed of. I'm learning to like myself more. Gotta like myself before I love myself haha.
But yeah, I've been feeling a lot more positive and generally happier with myself. I have my days where everything just seems to tear me down, but I'm fighting those days. They are becoming fewer and farther between. It's amazing that I can feel this way. I used to think it would be impossible to get to this place.
And I used to think I would need a significant other to get me to this place. But the past couple of months have proved that I don't. All I need are good friends, good music, good food, and good times haha. Seriously, I wouldn't be where I am without my friends. And I know, I wouldn't be where I am without my own effort. I'm learning to credit myself as much as I credit my friends for some of the good things in my life. The three friends I've been turning to the most in the past couple of months are Shiva, Matt, and Vivi. I've turned to other friends as well, but nowhere near as much as to these three. I'm grateful for the friends I have. Without y'all, who knows where I would be right now?
Oh, tangents. I don't think I will ever be able to shake them off :P
I think for the most part, these resolutions will be the some of the last ones I will make. Any other changes or goals I want in my life, I won't wait for a new year to get started on them.
I realize I haven't mentioned any resolutions for 2012 yet. I have resolutions. Not just for 2012. More for my whole life. Hmm, it's more of a multi-part resolution for self-improvement:
To open up and let people in. To aim for all-or-nothing honesty. To be comfortable enough with myself by myself and around others. To not take shit from anyone. To stand up to those whom I fear. To reason with both my head and my heart.
I know I won't be perfect, and I know I regress. But I'm trying. I think I've been doing pretty well. I don't really have anything to gauge my progress. But I feel like I'm heading toward a point in my life where I am satisfied with myself, the person I'm becoming. I open up and confide in more than one person now. I'm getting better with being honest haha. I haven't lied about anything important XP I'm most definitely happy being by myself now that I'm choosing to spend more time alone than with people. But when I am around people, I'm a lot better at not being so closed off. But I don't try too hard to get a conversation going. I realize I'm not a fan of small talk. If I'm gonna ask you something, I must really want to know your answer. I'm confronting people who hurt me. Well, except Mother. That's still something I need to figure out how to approach. Standing up to people really just applies to Mother. Again, still thinking that one out. But I've occasionally been emotionally strong enough to confront her about some things. That's new and scary, but I'm doing it. Thinking with my logic and emotions is difficult. Still trying to find that balance...
I guess this resolution thing is just always for self-improvement. For me, self-improvement just means becoming a person that I can be proud of. And not hate or feel ashamed of. I'm learning to like myself more. Gotta like myself before I love myself haha.
But yeah, I've been feeling a lot more positive and generally happier with myself. I have my days where everything just seems to tear me down, but I'm fighting those days. They are becoming fewer and farther between. It's amazing that I can feel this way. I used to think it would be impossible to get to this place.
And I used to think I would need a significant other to get me to this place. But the past couple of months have proved that I don't. All I need are good friends, good music, good food, and good times haha. Seriously, I wouldn't be where I am without my friends. And I know, I wouldn't be where I am without my own effort. I'm learning to credit myself as much as I credit my friends for some of the good things in my life. The three friends I've been turning to the most in the past couple of months are Shiva, Matt, and Vivi. I've turned to other friends as well, but nowhere near as much as to these three. I'm grateful for the friends I have. Without y'all, who knows where I would be right now?
Oh, tangents. I don't think I will ever be able to shake them off :P
I think for the most part, these resolutions will be the some of the last ones I will make. Any other changes or goals I want in my life, I won't wait for a new year to get started on them.
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Stupid, angry, drunk brother.
"Why am I related to an idiot?"
My anger speaking.
Frustrated and exhausted.
Brother is an idiot.
Today was supposed to be a chill day with Shiva, watching movies, talking, and making tofu jerky.
Instead, we had to waste two hours driving back and forth because Brother can't communicate, because he can't be upfront the first time around or at all.
Short story: Drunk brother couldn't start his car and ended up twisting his car key somehow. Angry, drunk brother punched his driver side window. Stupid, angry, drunk brother does not share any of this information in the first phone call, making me drive all over San Jose when all of it was unnecessary.
Two hours and about three gallons of gas used up, ending in a major waste of time. My time, Shiva's time, Brother's girlfriend's time, and my friend Killol's time.
All he had to fucking do was tell me he wanted the spare key. I could have driven home, got the key, and dropped it off. But no, he told me he wanted me to give him a ride home. I got to his friend's house in East Side after he didn't even give me the right directions, and he told me he wanted the spare key to his car. I had to drive all the way back home in South Side to get the key. Then I went to downtown to pick up Killol, so he could drive Brother's car home. We got back to Brother's location, and he decides he doesn't fucking want to go home anymore...
I don't know why I've been getting so angry or triggered so much the past few weeks/months. I feel sorry for my car. I was gunning it in the two hours I wasted because I was so angry. Reckless, angry driving. I'm sorry, car.
Really, I wanted to cry because of how angry I was today. So much crying I've been wanting to do, but I haven't. I feel like it might happen at an inappropriate time.
Ahhhhh! So fucking frustrated. Why am I so angry?
I'm tired of being angry...
My anger speaking.
Frustrated and exhausted.
Brother is an idiot.
Today was supposed to be a chill day with Shiva, watching movies, talking, and making tofu jerky.
Instead, we had to waste two hours driving back and forth because Brother can't communicate, because he can't be upfront the first time around or at all.
Short story: Drunk brother couldn't start his car and ended up twisting his car key somehow. Angry, drunk brother punched his driver side window. Stupid, angry, drunk brother does not share any of this information in the first phone call, making me drive all over San Jose when all of it was unnecessary.
Two hours and about three gallons of gas used up, ending in a major waste of time. My time, Shiva's time, Brother's girlfriend's time, and my friend Killol's time.
All he had to fucking do was tell me he wanted the spare key. I could have driven home, got the key, and dropped it off. But no, he told me he wanted me to give him a ride home. I got to his friend's house in East Side after he didn't even give me the right directions, and he told me he wanted the spare key to his car. I had to drive all the way back home in South Side to get the key. Then I went to downtown to pick up Killol, so he could drive Brother's car home. We got back to Brother's location, and he decides he doesn't fucking want to go home anymore...
I don't know why I've been getting so angry or triggered so much the past few weeks/months. I feel sorry for my car. I was gunning it in the two hours I wasted because I was so angry. Reckless, angry driving. I'm sorry, car.
Really, I wanted to cry because of how angry I was today. So much crying I've been wanting to do, but I haven't. I feel like it might happen at an inappropriate time.
Ahhhhh! So fucking frustrated. Why am I so angry?
I'm tired of being angry...
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
I am Viet.
I apologize in advance for the randomness, jumpiness, disjointedness, and incompleteness of this entry.
Internalized racism... is not something I've really had to face. Or I've faced it, but I guess I never thought too much about it. And it never got to the point where I wished I had been born a different race. I've just wished to be someone different in general, happier, more attractive, more outgoing, just better. I never attached this wish for being different with my race. I've looked down on Vietnamese people for various reasons throughout my life. But I always think, "Who am I to look down on people that I personally don't know? Who am I to look down on anyone?" I know some Viet people. Even though some of them seem to fit these ideas I have of Viet people, I know just as many Viet people who don't (I can't forget my own person, you know).
I know my race, culture, upbringing, and all the related things contribute to the person I've become. They contribute to the life that I have. But I've never blamed or felt shame for the life I was given. If anything, I've only ever felt shame because I haven't done anything with what I've been given and I don't know what to do with it. But that's a different story.
My mom has tried to enforce her personal, Viet beliefs on me throughout my life. I pick and choose the ones that are compatible with my life. She tries to push all of them on me, and I rebuff and politely decline the ideas I don't agree with. Being Vietnamese by blood doesn't imply that I must live by Vietnamese standards. I know that. My mom understands it, but she tries to ignore it.
I personally have never felt antagonized by Viet culture or people. I've never felt antagonized for the life I was born into. If anything, I've only thought of it as there being a lot of people in this world who disagree with me or who make assumptions and dislike me without ever getting to know me.
I guess I'm more focused on being affected by people I actually know rather than a general group of people that I only know a part of. Also, generalizing and assuming things about a group of people, even one to which I belong, means I'm doing the same thing that I believe they do to me. And I just can't get my head around justifying that for myself.
There are parts of Viet culture that I love, like bun bo hue, ao dai, and Tet. There are parts that I greatly dislike, such as the hierarchy of family and the restrictions on females. But I feel similarly about the other cultures that I am a part of. American culture: I like the individualism, but I dislike the excessive consumerism. Queer culture: I like the acceptance within the community, but it is not without its own prejudices.
Culture and identity are just ideas in my head. I know that. Ideas taught through words and actions, shaped by my personal interpretation. Sometimes, the ideas are forceful; other times, they're subtle and sneaky. But I control my perspective, choose what I accept, decide who to be, allow myself to be influenced in which way.
To be honest, I have never felt like I had an identity. I still don't really identify strongly with any of the communities. I only started to identify with groups of people when I joined QTIP and Q&A. I identify by what people wish to see of me: Queer, Asian, Vietnamese, American, female, young adult. I put myself in other people's boxes to make it easier for them to see me. But for me personally, I don't really identify as any of these. It's an "I do, but I don't" kind of thing, which I know a lot of people don't understand and probably don't like. But that's me for you.
These are my identities, but I'm not strongly attached to them. If you asked me what I truly identify as, it could be a very simple answer or a very long, maybe convoluted explanation. I wouldn't say Viet, queer, female, or even human. Really, there is no word for my identity. I'd say, "My identity is..." and I'd point at myself. That tells people nothing because I know they want clear-cut answers. I can't give them that because clear-cut answers aren't really my answers. To know what my identity is, you have to get to know me. And I'm constantly getting to know myself, so good luck.
I am a part of various groups of people, but I am I. If you take away my group identities, I'd still be the same person, just with fewer group identities. I am a person with a history that's influenced by and connected to various other people and their identities and histories.
My ultimate identity is a balance between various given identities. I do the balancing. I'm responsible for my identity. I feel no shame for the identities I was given or born into. I don't feel pride either. Shame and pride are reserved for my actions, my decisions, and my effort. Things I can't control do not need my shame or pride. Being Vietnamese is not something I can control or change. It just something that is. So I don't bother myself about the thought of it.
I am Vietnamese, American, queer, female, etc. I am none of that. But I am just that. But I am beyond that. (This is my attempt to explain how I feel about identity.) My identity is how I see myself, but I accept it is also how you see me. That's why I accept that there are multiple identities in one person. But to me, the multiple identities become one unique identity for the specific person, which is a part of the original identities but doesn't fit into the original identities...
I know this is disjointed. But I can't focus on anything for too long haha. But I wanted to blog about this because it's preoccupied me for the past day or so. But I didn't even say everything I wanted to say because I forgot them -___-
I am who I am. You are who you are. I will try to not prejudge you based on my assumptions and past because I know everyone is different. Same but different. Nuances are what make it so difficult to just stereotype people and stick to those judgments. At most, my first judgment of you will be "nice," "not nice," or "eh."
I've only ever seen a person as a person. A stranger. With a name and a face. With thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. With identities. With potential for communication and friendship. The details flesh themselves out as we get to know each other and grow together. Regardless of whether you look or identify as Asian, black, Latino, or white. Your appearance and your identity tell me some things, like what you look like and how you think other people see you, but they say so little about you otherwise as a person.
If you do something awesome, awesome not because you're Viet or American, but because you're doing it. If you do something horrible, well that's horrible because you're doing it. If you discredit a group of people just for being what they didn't choose to be, then you disregard some amazing people who just happen to be what you don't like. You might call them the exception, but what's an exception, other than something you didn't account for in the first place?
I don't like making assumptions about people. Because people assume things about me all the time, based on my appearance, identity, dress, talk, and walk. And I'm sure sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong. But they won't know until they know me.
I'm never going to get to know a whole community. That's fine. But that means I can't generalize because I won't know the whole community. I will only ever know a part of it. If Viet people just happen to behave the similarly, I'll attribute it to personal reasons. If Viet people happen to act differently, I'll still attribute it to personal reasons.
Everybody influences everybody else. In small and big ways. Fighting it is just tiring. I embrace it if I feel it's good for me, or I let it go if it's not. If I can't let it go because it's always in my face, well... I'm still learning how to overcome that obstacle. But blaming and feeling shame for the influences on our lives just create an unnecessarily heavier burden for us to carry. And we end up pushing that burden onto people who don't deserve our antagonism.
Life goes on, and you go on with it. Sadly, there's no perfect universal way of living, so you make do with what you've been given (including the restrictions) and you make your own perfect way of living. Live your life the best possible way you can, and take on the obstacles as they come.
Wow, this entry is all over the place. Too much thinking and feeling that did not translate into words. Clearly, I just can't think clearly anymore.
Maybe I'll revisit this topic another time when I can think better in words :P
Internalized racism... is not something I've really had to face. Or I've faced it, but I guess I never thought too much about it. And it never got to the point where I wished I had been born a different race. I've just wished to be someone different in general, happier, more attractive, more outgoing, just better. I never attached this wish for being different with my race. I've looked down on Vietnamese people for various reasons throughout my life. But I always think, "Who am I to look down on people that I personally don't know? Who am I to look down on anyone?" I know some Viet people. Even though some of them seem to fit these ideas I have of Viet people, I know just as many Viet people who don't (I can't forget my own person, you know).
I know my race, culture, upbringing, and all the related things contribute to the person I've become. They contribute to the life that I have. But I've never blamed or felt shame for the life I was given. If anything, I've only ever felt shame because I haven't done anything with what I've been given and I don't know what to do with it. But that's a different story.
My mom has tried to enforce her personal, Viet beliefs on me throughout my life. I pick and choose the ones that are compatible with my life. She tries to push all of them on me, and I rebuff and politely decline the ideas I don't agree with. Being Vietnamese by blood doesn't imply that I must live by Vietnamese standards. I know that. My mom understands it, but she tries to ignore it.
I personally have never felt antagonized by Viet culture or people. I've never felt antagonized for the life I was born into. If anything, I've only thought of it as there being a lot of people in this world who disagree with me or who make assumptions and dislike me without ever getting to know me.
I guess I'm more focused on being affected by people I actually know rather than a general group of people that I only know a part of. Also, generalizing and assuming things about a group of people, even one to which I belong, means I'm doing the same thing that I believe they do to me. And I just can't get my head around justifying that for myself.
There are parts of Viet culture that I love, like bun bo hue, ao dai, and Tet. There are parts that I greatly dislike, such as the hierarchy of family and the restrictions on females. But I feel similarly about the other cultures that I am a part of. American culture: I like the individualism, but I dislike the excessive consumerism. Queer culture: I like the acceptance within the community, but it is not without its own prejudices.
Culture and identity are just ideas in my head. I know that. Ideas taught through words and actions, shaped by my personal interpretation. Sometimes, the ideas are forceful; other times, they're subtle and sneaky. But I control my perspective, choose what I accept, decide who to be, allow myself to be influenced in which way.
To be honest, I have never felt like I had an identity. I still don't really identify strongly with any of the communities. I only started to identify with groups of people when I joined QTIP and Q&A. I identify by what people wish to see of me: Queer, Asian, Vietnamese, American, female, young adult. I put myself in other people's boxes to make it easier for them to see me. But for me personally, I don't really identify as any of these. It's an "I do, but I don't" kind of thing, which I know a lot of people don't understand and probably don't like. But that's me for you.
These are my identities, but I'm not strongly attached to them. If you asked me what I truly identify as, it could be a very simple answer or a very long, maybe convoluted explanation. I wouldn't say Viet, queer, female, or even human. Really, there is no word for my identity. I'd say, "My identity is..." and I'd point at myself. That tells people nothing because I know they want clear-cut answers. I can't give them that because clear-cut answers aren't really my answers. To know what my identity is, you have to get to know me. And I'm constantly getting to know myself, so good luck.
I am a part of various groups of people, but I am I. If you take away my group identities, I'd still be the same person, just with fewer group identities. I am a person with a history that's influenced by and connected to various other people and their identities and histories.
My ultimate identity is a balance between various given identities. I do the balancing. I'm responsible for my identity. I feel no shame for the identities I was given or born into. I don't feel pride either. Shame and pride are reserved for my actions, my decisions, and my effort. Things I can't control do not need my shame or pride. Being Vietnamese is not something I can control or change. It just something that is. So I don't bother myself about the thought of it.
I am Vietnamese, American, queer, female, etc. I am none of that. But I am just that. But I am beyond that. (This is my attempt to explain how I feel about identity.) My identity is how I see myself, but I accept it is also how you see me. That's why I accept that there are multiple identities in one person. But to me, the multiple identities become one unique identity for the specific person, which is a part of the original identities but doesn't fit into the original identities...
I know this is disjointed. But I can't focus on anything for too long haha. But I wanted to blog about this because it's preoccupied me for the past day or so. But I didn't even say everything I wanted to say because I forgot them -___-
I am who I am. You are who you are. I will try to not prejudge you based on my assumptions and past because I know everyone is different. Same but different. Nuances are what make it so difficult to just stereotype people and stick to those judgments. At most, my first judgment of you will be "nice," "not nice," or "eh."
I've only ever seen a person as a person. A stranger. With a name and a face. With thoughts, beliefs, and ideas. With identities. With potential for communication and friendship. The details flesh themselves out as we get to know each other and grow together. Regardless of whether you look or identify as Asian, black, Latino, or white. Your appearance and your identity tell me some things, like what you look like and how you think other people see you, but they say so little about you otherwise as a person.
If you do something awesome, awesome not because you're Viet or American, but because you're doing it. If you do something horrible, well that's horrible because you're doing it. If you discredit a group of people just for being what they didn't choose to be, then you disregard some amazing people who just happen to be what you don't like. You might call them the exception, but what's an exception, other than something you didn't account for in the first place?
I don't like making assumptions about people. Because people assume things about me all the time, based on my appearance, identity, dress, talk, and walk. And I'm sure sometimes they're right and sometimes they're wrong. But they won't know until they know me.
I'm never going to get to know a whole community. That's fine. But that means I can't generalize because I won't know the whole community. I will only ever know a part of it. If Viet people just happen to behave the similarly, I'll attribute it to personal reasons. If Viet people happen to act differently, I'll still attribute it to personal reasons.
Everybody influences everybody else. In small and big ways. Fighting it is just tiring. I embrace it if I feel it's good for me, or I let it go if it's not. If I can't let it go because it's always in my face, well... I'm still learning how to overcome that obstacle. But blaming and feeling shame for the influences on our lives just create an unnecessarily heavier burden for us to carry. And we end up pushing that burden onto people who don't deserve our antagonism.
Life goes on, and you go on with it. Sadly, there's no perfect universal way of living, so you make do with what you've been given (including the restrictions) and you make your own perfect way of living. Live your life the best possible way you can, and take on the obstacles as they come.
Wow, this entry is all over the place. Too much thinking and feeling that did not translate into words. Clearly, I just can't think clearly anymore.
Maybe I'll revisit this topic another time when I can think better in words :P
Sunday, August 5, 2012
Recent realizations...
Just wanted to put some random thoughts and whatevers down somewhere before I forgot:
+ I haven't been to a concert in over two years. I've been talking to people about concerts they've been to. I didn't know what concerts I would look forward to. I've seen Linkin Park, Hoobastank, POD, Three Days Grace, Blue October, and Owl City perform. Fun stuff back then. Now I don't really care. Or I don't know which music artists to care about. After some thinking and listening, I'd have to say I would want to see Mutemath in concert. I've been listening to them ever since I found them on Myspace back in high school. A departure from all the angry music I listened to when I was younger. Not necessarily happy-go-lucky music, but just really good music that makes me feel good haha. I dunno. Just something about their sound, their voices, and just everything that gets to me. Something in their music that moves me.
I looked up their touring schedule. They'll be at the Shoreline in September on the Honda Civic Tour with Linkin Park and Incubus. I'm assuming Mutemath will be an opener. I'd like to see them perform, but I don't particularly want to see the headliners, which is funny because I wouldn't have said this about two or three years ago. I used to love LP and Incubus. I still enjoy their old music, but I know nothing about their new stuff. But anyway, Mutemath haha. Their headlining tour starts a little after the Shoreline date, except they're not coming back to the Bay ;-; So... sad.
+ I'm the happiest I have been in a long time. Happy as in I don't fall back to dark thoughts when times get tough. I'm getting better at not letting my situations pull me down to a level where I feel helpless. I don't feel as helpless as I used to. I feel like I can actually do things for myself. Slowly but surely :)
+ I'm talking back to my mom more often now. Though, I'm not really sure if it's talking back. It could just be me learning how to stand up for myself against my mom. I regress here and there, but I'm starting to defend myself. It scares me. But I'm doing it. I can't say I'm doing it properly because I don't know what that would be. But I'm finding myself to be a little more honest with her. Not about everything because I know I can't handle that. I don't think she could either.
I'm shaking my head haha. She wants honesty, but she'll stop listening when she doesn't like what she hears. So I might as well just not be that honest. She wants me to be an adult and be responsible for myself. Yet, she won't let me make my own decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She wants me to be a people person, but she doesn't want me to go out and interact with people because they could negatively influence or harm me. She wants me to live a good life, but she won't let me go make my life happen. What she says and what she does don't coincide. I'm finding that it's getting harder to really listen to her.
+ I want to leave San Jose. I've lived here my whole life. I've never lived anywhere else, and I don't even know half this city. The farthest I've been from home is somewhere around LA, and that lasted less than a week. Before, I contented myself with the thought of staying here for the rest of my life. I didn't leave SJ for college, even though I had wanted to (but still with the thought of coming back). Even now, after graduating from SJSU, I still haven't left. But it's more of a money problem than a mental tether to the city or family. The tether is there, but it doesn't feel that strong. Family has kept me here. But now, family is the reason I want to leave. I need that break I've always wanted. Leaving SJ would be that break. The breaking of the tether.
Where will I go? I don't know yet. But I will go. It will be an act of letting go, something I am constantly working on.
+ D is my hero. I always thought I didn't look up to anyone. No aspirations. No motivation. No one inspired me. I had no hero. No role model. But a few sleepless nights ago, I realized I always had a role model and a hero, but I just never credited him as such. If I let myself regret anything, it would be that I didn't figure out what he was to me before now. Or maybe I always saw him as such but just never put it into words. He's done so much for so little. He does things without the desire for the attention that should go with doing so much. A lot of my values come from him, from learning from him. He teaches me so much without having to try, he listens before he speaks, he tries to understand what is foreign to him without allowing his assumptions to cloud his judgment, and he respects me as a fellow human being. He does all this, despite coming from a culture that seems to be averse to such behavior. D is my hero. He's not perfect. He's not very successful by societal standards. He doesn't have a college degree or a high-paying job. He's not married. He doesn't travel. He doesn't do extremely exciting things. But he finds joy in the simple things. He appreciates life and what it has given him, even if it wasn't much. He wishes he could have been a better person, but he accepts who he is, flaws and all. To me, D is amazing.
I know I haven't really mentioned D in a long time, but then again I haven't really blogged much. But just letting you know he is still very much a strong and steady part of my life.
+ I don't hate being alone. Alone doesn't mean lonely anymore. So that's nice. That's probably why I'm happier haha. I'm embracing my introversion. No more fighting it. Or rather attempting to fight it and failing. I used to think I'd be happier if I just stuck myself around people more often. Fooled myself for a while. Now, I keep to myself most of the time without thinking I should go out or talk to people more often. I'm pretty happy with that. Granted, I'm not genuinely alone in the way that I want to be because I do live with my mom. But when I am truly alone with myself, I feel great. And granted, I'm not developing my interpersonal skills as much. But when I do, I'm not too bad. Maybe just a little slow and awkward haha. But it doesn't feel like a detriment to my well-being, so that's ok, yeah? Haha.
Even though I don't have an uncontrollable desire to be around people or in a relationship, I still think it's nice to be around people or in a relationship. I'm not averse to those ideas. I'm just happy with my current situation, which is so strange for me to say because I've never felt like this before. I used to dwell on the fact that I wasn't around people enough and the fact that I had never been in love or something like that. Now that I've experienced what I always thought I wanted, I don't feel the need to dwell.
I've learned from my experiences. I'm learning. Also from friends. I've learned what I want is to be happy. That hasn't changed. How I can get that happiness, that might have changed. Other people's happiness still affect mine. I don't think that's ever gonna change, as much as I might want it to. A few good friends, good conversation, good music, good food, good sleep, and simply living as best as I can... I think these are the things I need to be happy. Well, also high self-esteem, an open mind, good vibes, respect, hugs, dreams, and other things I can't think of right now haha.
+ I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. It feels good to not hate myself. I don't think I'm that worthless anymore haha. I mean, I know I may not be very useful in most ways, but I'm not hopeless. So that's good :P
Oh, well, there goes that memory of mine. I don't remember the rest of the random stuff I wanted to put down.
This year has been a good year. Aside from the death, pain, and grief from events that have passed. It's been a year of personal growth for me, and it doesn't feel fake. There's still an infinite amount of growing I can do. But how much I've already been through feels like such a significant amount. Because I feel like I didn't grow much before. This year's just been different. Same in some ways, I'm sure. But the differences are there. It's been a good year, and there's still five months of it left (even though I don't think time really exists :P)
I'm actually meeting most if not all of my resolutions haha. That's definitely different. I should post those on here sometime. I don't think I have yet.
Anyway, my bed has been calling to me for an hour. But I wanted to finish this entry. Now, I'm done because I can't remember the rest of what I wanted to put down -sigh- Typical haha.
+ I haven't been to a concert in over two years. I've been talking to people about concerts they've been to. I didn't know what concerts I would look forward to. I've seen Linkin Park, Hoobastank, POD, Three Days Grace, Blue October, and Owl City perform. Fun stuff back then. Now I don't really care. Or I don't know which music artists to care about. After some thinking and listening, I'd have to say I would want to see Mutemath in concert. I've been listening to them ever since I found them on Myspace back in high school. A departure from all the angry music I listened to when I was younger. Not necessarily happy-go-lucky music, but just really good music that makes me feel good haha. I dunno. Just something about their sound, their voices, and just everything that gets to me. Something in their music that moves me.
I looked up their touring schedule. They'll be at the Shoreline in September on the Honda Civic Tour with Linkin Park and Incubus. I'm assuming Mutemath will be an opener. I'd like to see them perform, but I don't particularly want to see the headliners, which is funny because I wouldn't have said this about two or three years ago. I used to love LP and Incubus. I still enjoy their old music, but I know nothing about their new stuff. But anyway, Mutemath haha. Their headlining tour starts a little after the Shoreline date, except they're not coming back to the Bay ;-; So... sad.
+ I'm the happiest I have been in a long time. Happy as in I don't fall back to dark thoughts when times get tough. I'm getting better at not letting my situations pull me down to a level where I feel helpless. I don't feel as helpless as I used to. I feel like I can actually do things for myself. Slowly but surely :)
+ I'm talking back to my mom more often now. Though, I'm not really sure if it's talking back. It could just be me learning how to stand up for myself against my mom. I regress here and there, but I'm starting to defend myself. It scares me. But I'm doing it. I can't say I'm doing it properly because I don't know what that would be. But I'm finding myself to be a little more honest with her. Not about everything because I know I can't handle that. I don't think she could either.
I'm shaking my head haha. She wants honesty, but she'll stop listening when she doesn't like what she hears. So I might as well just not be that honest. She wants me to be an adult and be responsible for myself. Yet, she won't let me make my own decisions and take responsibility for those decisions. She wants me to be a people person, but she doesn't want me to go out and interact with people because they could negatively influence or harm me. She wants me to live a good life, but she won't let me go make my life happen. What she says and what she does don't coincide. I'm finding that it's getting harder to really listen to her.
+ I want to leave San Jose. I've lived here my whole life. I've never lived anywhere else, and I don't even know half this city. The farthest I've been from home is somewhere around LA, and that lasted less than a week. Before, I contented myself with the thought of staying here for the rest of my life. I didn't leave SJ for college, even though I had wanted to (but still with the thought of coming back). Even now, after graduating from SJSU, I still haven't left. But it's more of a money problem than a mental tether to the city or family. The tether is there, but it doesn't feel that strong. Family has kept me here. But now, family is the reason I want to leave. I need that break I've always wanted. Leaving SJ would be that break. The breaking of the tether.
Where will I go? I don't know yet. But I will go. It will be an act of letting go, something I am constantly working on.
+ D is my hero. I always thought I didn't look up to anyone. No aspirations. No motivation. No one inspired me. I had no hero. No role model. But a few sleepless nights ago, I realized I always had a role model and a hero, but I just never credited him as such. If I let myself regret anything, it would be that I didn't figure out what he was to me before now. Or maybe I always saw him as such but just never put it into words. He's done so much for so little. He does things without the desire for the attention that should go with doing so much. A lot of my values come from him, from learning from him. He teaches me so much without having to try, he listens before he speaks, he tries to understand what is foreign to him without allowing his assumptions to cloud his judgment, and he respects me as a fellow human being. He does all this, despite coming from a culture that seems to be averse to such behavior. D is my hero. He's not perfect. He's not very successful by societal standards. He doesn't have a college degree or a high-paying job. He's not married. He doesn't travel. He doesn't do extremely exciting things. But he finds joy in the simple things. He appreciates life and what it has given him, even if it wasn't much. He wishes he could have been a better person, but he accepts who he is, flaws and all. To me, D is amazing.
I know I haven't really mentioned D in a long time, but then again I haven't really blogged much. But just letting you know he is still very much a strong and steady part of my life.
+ I don't hate being alone. Alone doesn't mean lonely anymore. So that's nice. That's probably why I'm happier haha. I'm embracing my introversion. No more fighting it. Or rather attempting to fight it and failing. I used to think I'd be happier if I just stuck myself around people more often. Fooled myself for a while. Now, I keep to myself most of the time without thinking I should go out or talk to people more often. I'm pretty happy with that. Granted, I'm not genuinely alone in the way that I want to be because I do live with my mom. But when I am truly alone with myself, I feel great. And granted, I'm not developing my interpersonal skills as much. But when I do, I'm not too bad. Maybe just a little slow and awkward haha. But it doesn't feel like a detriment to my well-being, so that's ok, yeah? Haha.
Even though I don't have an uncontrollable desire to be around people or in a relationship, I still think it's nice to be around people or in a relationship. I'm not averse to those ideas. I'm just happy with my current situation, which is so strange for me to say because I've never felt like this before. I used to dwell on the fact that I wasn't around people enough and the fact that I had never been in love or something like that. Now that I've experienced what I always thought I wanted, I don't feel the need to dwell.
I've learned from my experiences. I'm learning. Also from friends. I've learned what I want is to be happy. That hasn't changed. How I can get that happiness, that might have changed. Other people's happiness still affect mine. I don't think that's ever gonna change, as much as I might want it to. A few good friends, good conversation, good music, good food, good sleep, and simply living as best as I can... I think these are the things I need to be happy. Well, also high self-esteem, an open mind, good vibes, respect, hugs, dreams, and other things I can't think of right now haha.
+ I'm not as hard on myself as I used to be. It feels good to not hate myself. I don't think I'm that worthless anymore haha. I mean, I know I may not be very useful in most ways, but I'm not hopeless. So that's good :P
Oh, well, there goes that memory of mine. I don't remember the rest of the random stuff I wanted to put down.
This year has been a good year. Aside from the death, pain, and grief from events that have passed. It's been a year of personal growth for me, and it doesn't feel fake. There's still an infinite amount of growing I can do. But how much I've already been through feels like such a significant amount. Because I feel like I didn't grow much before. This year's just been different. Same in some ways, I'm sure. But the differences are there. It's been a good year, and there's still five months of it left (even though I don't think time really exists :P)
I'm actually meeting most if not all of my resolutions haha. That's definitely different. I should post those on here sometime. I don't think I have yet.
Anyway, my bed has been calling to me for an hour. But I wanted to finish this entry. Now, I'm done because I can't remember the rest of what I wanted to put down -sigh- Typical haha.
Saturday, July 14, 2012
I'm digging a Facebook grave...
So I was recently on a two-week Facebook hiatus. It was nice. I became much more socially withdrawn haha, but I was happy. No triggers. Few people talked to me, and I talked to few people. It was really nice. I had more time for myself, instead spending it staring at my newsfeed.
Yesterday night, I logged in. Sixteen notifications were waiting for me. Only half of them actually had anything to do directly with me. And four of those were redundant notifications about someone posting a photo about me and someone else liking that photo or liking my latest status. All the other notifications were event invites; I missed two events /: That made me sad. I completely forgot about one of those events. So sad. But it's ok; I spent yesterday hiking with Vivi instead of going to the party I missed, so it was worth it.
After responding to and liking a few things, I decided that my life feels good without Facebook. It's nice to stay connected with friends, but I'm not that connected to most people on Facebook. I spend most of my time looking at my news feed, trying to absorb the details (I'm compulsive in that way), instead of actually communicating with friends. I tried the whole commenting on people's statuses to communicate with them, but I really prefer having an actual conversation no matter how rarely it happens. The few people to whom I am very close call or talk to me in person when they need talk to me. They don't use Facebook to tell me urgent things. This can apply to everyone I know. I'm going to make it apply to everyone I know.
So I'm weaning off Facebook. Really, this time, I mean it. I like not being constantly updated about other people's lives. It confuses me about whose lives I know about. I'm sure I'm going to occasionally be anxious about what I'm missing out on, but I know I survived life without Facebook before it came into being.
If anyone wants to reach me, I left a nice status with a list of various means of communication.
I'm simplifying my lifestyle... That's the best way I can put it. I like simple. One could argue Facebook is simple because it aggregates all of your friends on one website. But that's not simple to me. There are levels of friendship, and most of my Facebook friends are not on the top levels. My closest friends talk to me face-to-face or via phone. My less close friends occasionally like my status, respond to my messages, and comment on my page or photos. My least close friends don't reply to my Facebook comments. Ever. The least close friends are connected to me because we've met at least once and Facebook says we know each other.
It's nice to be connected and to reconnect. But I would like to let life filter my friendships naturally. I'm hanging on to friends who don't talk to me but constantly wish to add me on Facebook.
And really, leaving Facebook isn't a big deal. Most people won't notice, unless they decide they want to talk to me. But hey, if they want to talk to me, like I said, I made a nice list of media through which communication may occur. The friends who talk to me like they always do don't need to worry about my leaving Facebook. The friends who don't talk to me often will have to decide if they want to talk to me and make an effort to do so.
I, on the other hand, am honestly content not talking to most people. We can occasionally catch up, and I'll be happy with that. The constant bombardment of updates, however, is not my cup of tea. Reminders of how I don't talk to most friends don't sit well with me either. I guess I'm maintaining my "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. With Facebook out of the way, I won't fret about the numerous friends who are actually more like acquaintances. Or sadly, friends who become acquaintances. Instead, I can do what I've wanted to do: Let my friendships go wherever they go and be happy with what has taken place. If friendships fade away, they fade away. I can let go of those.
If I want to reconnect, I will find a way to reconnect. Or let life give me a way to reconnect. Facebook was once that way of reconnection, and that was great. I thank Facebook (and Myspace) for helping me reconnect with childhood friends, but Facebook has done all it can for me in that department.
Hmm, this probably says a lot about me and how I handle friendships more than anything else. I'm rationalizing leaving Facebook. I like it, but I'm dependent on it for human connection. And that's just not how I want to live. I'm leaving Facebook, so I can be a better, closer friend to some people, instead of being "that one friend" to so many people on Facebook.
Remember that question about whether you would prefer to have a few close friends or a lot of not-so-close friends? This is my answer: A few close friends I can feel personally connected to. And the few friends I've chosen to be close to don't need Facebook to keep our friendship.
All of the other amazing friends I have that I really only talk to through Facebook... I love you, but there's more to communication than Facebook.
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like this whole thing is a part of my recent need to clean out parts of my life. I've been getting rid of clothes, school memorabilia, papers, and a lot of other fond-memory-related things. Mainly because I don't need them. But also because they cluttered my room and reminded me of the past. My way of holding on to the past was through keepsakes. It made me feel good to let go of the things that I gave or threw away. There's still more I could do without, except I'm sure at some point my mom will yell at me for not keeping them. She's already done that because I got rid of so many articles of clothing.
Simplify. Simple living. That's what I want. Also, to do things I've been afraid to do. Like throwing out "memories." I'm holding on to some memories. But I can't hold on to everything. I need to get that engrained in my brain.
Blah. Rambling.
Wow. Just realized we're halfway through July... Whaaat?
Yesterday night, I logged in. Sixteen notifications were waiting for me. Only half of them actually had anything to do directly with me. And four of those were redundant notifications about someone posting a photo about me and someone else liking that photo or liking my latest status. All the other notifications were event invites; I missed two events /: That made me sad. I completely forgot about one of those events. So sad. But it's ok; I spent yesterday hiking with Vivi instead of going to the party I missed, so it was worth it.
After responding to and liking a few things, I decided that my life feels good without Facebook. It's nice to stay connected with friends, but I'm not that connected to most people on Facebook. I spend most of my time looking at my news feed, trying to absorb the details (I'm compulsive in that way), instead of actually communicating with friends. I tried the whole commenting on people's statuses to communicate with them, but I really prefer having an actual conversation no matter how rarely it happens. The few people to whom I am very close call or talk to me in person when they need talk to me. They don't use Facebook to tell me urgent things. This can apply to everyone I know. I'm going to make it apply to everyone I know.
So I'm weaning off Facebook. Really, this time, I mean it. I like not being constantly updated about other people's lives. It confuses me about whose lives I know about. I'm sure I'm going to occasionally be anxious about what I'm missing out on, but I know I survived life without Facebook before it came into being.
If anyone wants to reach me, I left a nice status with a list of various means of communication.
I'm simplifying my lifestyle... That's the best way I can put it. I like simple. One could argue Facebook is simple because it aggregates all of your friends on one website. But that's not simple to me. There are levels of friendship, and most of my Facebook friends are not on the top levels. My closest friends talk to me face-to-face or via phone. My less close friends occasionally like my status, respond to my messages, and comment on my page or photos. My least close friends don't reply to my Facebook comments. Ever. The least close friends are connected to me because we've met at least once and Facebook says we know each other.
It's nice to be connected and to reconnect. But I would like to let life filter my friendships naturally. I'm hanging on to friends who don't talk to me but constantly wish to add me on Facebook.
And really, leaving Facebook isn't a big deal. Most people won't notice, unless they decide they want to talk to me. But hey, if they want to talk to me, like I said, I made a nice list of media through which communication may occur. The friends who talk to me like they always do don't need to worry about my leaving Facebook. The friends who don't talk to me often will have to decide if they want to talk to me and make an effort to do so.
I, on the other hand, am honestly content not talking to most people. We can occasionally catch up, and I'll be happy with that. The constant bombardment of updates, however, is not my cup of tea. Reminders of how I don't talk to most friends don't sit well with me either. I guess I'm maintaining my "out of sight, out of mind" mentality. With Facebook out of the way, I won't fret about the numerous friends who are actually more like acquaintances. Or sadly, friends who become acquaintances. Instead, I can do what I've wanted to do: Let my friendships go wherever they go and be happy with what has taken place. If friendships fade away, they fade away. I can let go of those.
If I want to reconnect, I will find a way to reconnect. Or let life give me a way to reconnect. Facebook was once that way of reconnection, and that was great. I thank Facebook (and Myspace) for helping me reconnect with childhood friends, but Facebook has done all it can for me in that department.
Hmm, this probably says a lot about me and how I handle friendships more than anything else. I'm rationalizing leaving Facebook. I like it, but I'm dependent on it for human connection. And that's just not how I want to live. I'm leaving Facebook, so I can be a better, closer friend to some people, instead of being "that one friend" to so many people on Facebook.
Remember that question about whether you would prefer to have a few close friends or a lot of not-so-close friends? This is my answer: A few close friends I can feel personally connected to. And the few friends I've chosen to be close to don't need Facebook to keep our friendship.
All of the other amazing friends I have that I really only talk to through Facebook... I love you, but there's more to communication than Facebook.
Maybe it's just me, but I feel like this whole thing is a part of my recent need to clean out parts of my life. I've been getting rid of clothes, school memorabilia, papers, and a lot of other fond-memory-related things. Mainly because I don't need them. But also because they cluttered my room and reminded me of the past. My way of holding on to the past was through keepsakes. It made me feel good to let go of the things that I gave or threw away. There's still more I could do without, except I'm sure at some point my mom will yell at me for not keeping them. She's already done that because I got rid of so many articles of clothing.
Simplify. Simple living. That's what I want. Also, to do things I've been afraid to do. Like throwing out "memories." I'm holding on to some memories. But I can't hold on to everything. I need to get that engrained in my brain.
Blah. Rambling.
Wow. Just realized we're halfway through July... Whaaat?
Sunday, July 1, 2012
I'm starting to remember my dreams...
Well, I remembered them the past few days when I woke up.
Today's dream involved the person who isn't talking to me right now (I'll call her Person). We were at the center, sitting next to each other (I was on her right) on the white couch with the brown cover. She was talking to everyone else but me. I just listened and nodded along with the conversation. Suddenly, Person said something to me. I was shocked, except I couldn't hear through my left ear. So I turned my head and asked her to repeat. She was laughed when she said it, and I got upset.
I woke up to my parents talking in the next room. It soon turned into an argument. I listened. What my dad said made sense. What my mom said didn't. She proceeded to deride his argument, essentially told him he was stupid for not seeing how she saw things, and shut him out. Reminiscent of "I don't have to listen to you if I don't like what I'm hearing."
I lay in bed and contemplated my dream and the argument happening next to my room. The first thought that hit me was "Person reminds me of my mom." Not that my parents' argument reminded me of the situation with Person, even though the situation with Person occurred way before this recent argument between my parents.
So I think I get it now. I get why I am still so angry with Person about the situation we're in. Even almost two weeks later. She doesn't act exactly like my mom, but her actions remind me of what I dislike in my mom.
They both stop listening when the conversation isn't favorable to them. They shut people up and shut them out. My mom yells and/or gives the silent treatment. More often than not, she yells and rants for hours and hours. But she does give the silent treatment, which isn't any better or worse than her yelling. Either way, I can't tolerate her attitude and her treatment of me. Person, on the other hand, is giving me the silent treatment. Granted, I told her she didn't have to talk to me. But I also told her I wanted us to talk but I would wait for her to talk to me. Despite what I said, I still hoped that she would've talked to me anyway. But no, she said she needed her distance from me. (Maybe this is a self-serving thought, but if anyone should take distance from someone, it should have been me getting my space from her)
I was ok with her getting her space until she started posting her Facebook statuses about me again. Well, not about me. She talked at me, but not to or with me. And this is just like my mom, even if it's not as aggressive as my mom's words. It still hurts. I am still a target. I would prefer if Person wrote those statuses, copied and pasted them into a Facebook message, and sent them to me. But alas, she wants to ignore me. Yet, this isn't ignoring, is it?
Ugh. I should just send her one more message to let her know what I've been thinking. Except that wouldn't be respecting her need for space from me. But this isn't taking space away to think of what she can say to me. She's made it pretty clear in her statuses that she won't try to talk to me. And that's what hurts. That's what hurt the first time; she didn't talk to me. I told her that. And now she's doing it again, and she thinks it's supposed to help me. How is repeating how you hurt me the first time any better the second time?
I'm not going to send her a message because I don't want to tell her what to do. She needs to grow up and talk to me. And be honest while she's talking to me. If she tells me she can't be honest with me, then we can't be friends. Because honest friends are the only ones I want.
I generally don't have any criteria for my friends, but here are some basics I should state: You should be somewhat nice. You definitely should be honest, especially about any problems you have with me. Don't lie to me about things I should know! You should be as blunt as you can be with me. You don't give up on our friendship at the first sign of trouble.
I don't want to bring this up anymore. I know this will eventually blow over whether she talks to me again. Right now, we're not friends. I'm hoping she'll give our friendship another chance, but she has to work for it too. She has to take the first step to rebuild our friendship. I took the first step in improving our friendship when I offered a chance to talk about our problems. She refused, and she left me hanging. So our next conversation, if there is to be one, is about how to become friends again.
Waiting, waiting...
Today's dream involved the person who isn't talking to me right now (I'll call her Person). We were at the center, sitting next to each other (I was on her right) on the white couch with the brown cover. She was talking to everyone else but me. I just listened and nodded along with the conversation. Suddenly, Person said something to me. I was shocked, except I couldn't hear through my left ear. So I turned my head and asked her to repeat. She was laughed when she said it, and I got upset.
I woke up to my parents talking in the next room. It soon turned into an argument. I listened. What my dad said made sense. What my mom said didn't. She proceeded to deride his argument, essentially told him he was stupid for not seeing how she saw things, and shut him out. Reminiscent of "I don't have to listen to you if I don't like what I'm hearing."
I lay in bed and contemplated my dream and the argument happening next to my room. The first thought that hit me was "Person reminds me of my mom." Not that my parents' argument reminded me of the situation with Person, even though the situation with Person occurred way before this recent argument between my parents.
So I think I get it now. I get why I am still so angry with Person about the situation we're in. Even almost two weeks later. She doesn't act exactly like my mom, but her actions remind me of what I dislike in my mom.
They both stop listening when the conversation isn't favorable to them. They shut people up and shut them out. My mom yells and/or gives the silent treatment. More often than not, she yells and rants for hours and hours. But she does give the silent treatment, which isn't any better or worse than her yelling. Either way, I can't tolerate her attitude and her treatment of me. Person, on the other hand, is giving me the silent treatment. Granted, I told her she didn't have to talk to me. But I also told her I wanted us to talk but I would wait for her to talk to me. Despite what I said, I still hoped that she would've talked to me anyway. But no, she said she needed her distance from me. (Maybe this is a self-serving thought, but if anyone should take distance from someone, it should have been me getting my space from her)
I was ok with her getting her space until she started posting her Facebook statuses about me again. Well, not about me. She talked at me, but not to or with me. And this is just like my mom, even if it's not as aggressive as my mom's words. It still hurts. I am still a target. I would prefer if Person wrote those statuses, copied and pasted them into a Facebook message, and sent them to me. But alas, she wants to ignore me. Yet, this isn't ignoring, is it?
Ugh. I should just send her one more message to let her know what I've been thinking. Except that wouldn't be respecting her need for space from me. But this isn't taking space away to think of what she can say to me. She's made it pretty clear in her statuses that she won't try to talk to me. And that's what hurts. That's what hurt the first time; she didn't talk to me. I told her that. And now she's doing it again, and she thinks it's supposed to help me. How is repeating how you hurt me the first time any better the second time?
I'm not going to send her a message because I don't want to tell her what to do. She needs to grow up and talk to me. And be honest while she's talking to me. If she tells me she can't be honest with me, then we can't be friends. Because honest friends are the only ones I want.
I generally don't have any criteria for my friends, but here are some basics I should state: You should be somewhat nice. You definitely should be honest, especially about any problems you have with me. Don't lie to me about things I should know! You should be as blunt as you can be with me. You don't give up on our friendship at the first sign of trouble.
I don't want to bring this up anymore. I know this will eventually blow over whether she talks to me again. Right now, we're not friends. I'm hoping she'll give our friendship another chance, but she has to work for it too. She has to take the first step to rebuild our friendship. I took the first step in improving our friendship when I offered a chance to talk about our problems. She refused, and she left me hanging. So our next conversation, if there is to be one, is about how to become friends again.
Waiting, waiting...
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Pride 2012
So I went to Pride yesterday and today with Matt C, Nick C, Vivi N, and Derrick Q. Basically followed Vivi the whole weekend (part of our group's working buddy system). Spent Saturday night/Sunday morning in a nice hotel in Union Square.
SF Pride was a mixed bag. Saturday was great! Sunday could have been better, but it also could have been worse. Now, I'm absolutely exhausted in many ways.
Saturday, the four of us BARTed up from Fremont. We checked out the festival in the afternoon. A few of us got some food. At one point, Vivi and I lost the guys. We did run into Amirissa (I know her from ST, and Vivi knows her from SJSU). Later in the day, she and I went to see the Dyke March. Ran into a former SJSU classmate and her girlfriend :) I remember running into her the first time I went to Pride back in 2009. After, met up with Harrison and Jen. Spent a while with them. Vivi and I just chilled in the hotel room afterward. Her friend, Olivia P, joined us. Took the MUNI. Checked out the Pink Party. Not what we expected. Thought it would be crazier. Met back up with the guys before they headed to Gameboi. Last thing Vivi, Olivia, and I did on Saturday night was eat dinner at King of Thai. Great food.
Vivi and I got back to the hotel a little after midnight. Cleaned up and got ready for bed. I had some Smirnoff Ice, Sour Apple Bite. Tasty. We were lying on the bed, talking for a while.
It was a good day and night up until that point.
After that, various conversations in which Vivi and I partook changed the atmosphere of our weekend. A lot of anger, sadness, resentment, and other negative states culminated in a tense early Sunday morning. Two instances of a friend storming out of the room. The first time, Vivi and I took after our friend. The second time, we didn't know what to do. So everyone in the room just stayed in and waited. There were few if any constructive conversations, which made me really sad. It was also difficult to watch my friends be hurt and hurt each other in whatever way they did. I didn't know what to do, except to lie in bed, wait, and watch.
Oh, we had two extra guests in the room, which did not take anything away from the tension. Instead, they probably added to it.
No one slept before 4 or 5 in the morning. I stayed awake much of the morning because I couldn't get to sleep until the sun started to come up. Awoke at 8:15 and stayed up listening to my iPod and just thinking about my friends. I texted a few friends, whom I had planned to meet with during the parade, to tell them I couldn't hang out with them. I felt sad to do that, but I was in no mood nor did I have the energy to go searching for more friends. I hate canceling on people, but I didn't think it would be right for me to bring them down with my mood. Seriously, I was so unhappy...
Morning was relatively quiet. Strained conversation. A friend's quick departure to the festival.
The rest of us took our time to get ready and to check out of the room. Went to eat breakfast/lunch at King of Thai. Then went to the festival. Met up with two friends for a short while. Then headed to the API stage. Saw Brian D and Trung N there (long time, no see). Didn't get to catch up, and don't know when we will have an opportunity to do so. Spent the next 1.5 hours near the API stage. Some good and bad singing. Great dance performances. Frustrations and impatience increased while we were here. Then we all decided to go home.
BARTing home. Crowded. Cramped. But quick. Unhappy energy. I fell asleep because of the lack of sleep I had.
This weekend was supposed to help me de-stress after the week I've had. Though, when I had gone to Matt's place to sleep over Friday night, I didn't really feel like going anymore. But I went because we had all made plans to go together, and I didn't want to throw a wrench into that just because I wasn't happy about my week. Saturday was worth it. I got rid of a lot of stress and gained some wonderful memories. Sunday, beginning sometime after midnight, distressed me more than it helped me de-stress. All the tension that I felt slip away a little on Saturday came back threefold on Sunday. The tension ebbed and flowed Sunday, but it was constantly there.
There was a lot of good this weekend, but I feel like today was too much for me. I focused on the good when I could. But the bad just kept poking its head in. Being surrounded by thousands of people did not help me. I could feel my anxiety increase throughout the day...
Now I'm home. I'm tired. My brain is functioning well below normal capacity. The tight feeling in my chest isn't tightening, but it hasn't disappeared.
I hope my friends can find their peace. Even if just a little bit. Some peace would be better than none.
I started off this weekend really only worried about one friend/person. It's ending with me worried about at least two more. And I'm still trying to remember that I can't change my friends' lives. I can only give what I can in terms of observation, support, encouraging words, constructive advice, and realistic viewpoints.
I still wish people could at least try to talk to each other openly, honestly, and without prejudice. It's difficult, but it often gets you somewhere. Shutting people out and avoiding confrontation hurts everyone involved.
But we can't change people. We can't make them act or think differently just because we want them to. But that doesn't mean we can't tell them what we think or believe. How they take what we say depends on them. Hopefully, it's with an open mind.
What I feel right now is unhappiness. Helplessness. Worry. But also some hope that things will get better. Even if they don't, I have to remember life goes on and we go on with it. I'm still learning not to dwell. Still learning to let go. Still learning to move on. I hope I'm getting better at these.
SF Pride was a mixed bag. Saturday was great! Sunday could have been better, but it also could have been worse. Now, I'm absolutely exhausted in many ways.
Saturday, the four of us BARTed up from Fremont. We checked out the festival in the afternoon. A few of us got some food. At one point, Vivi and I lost the guys. We did run into Amirissa (I know her from ST, and Vivi knows her from SJSU). Later in the day, she and I went to see the Dyke March. Ran into a former SJSU classmate and her girlfriend :) I remember running into her the first time I went to Pride back in 2009. After, met up with Harrison and Jen. Spent a while with them. Vivi and I just chilled in the hotel room afterward. Her friend, Olivia P, joined us. Took the MUNI. Checked out the Pink Party. Not what we expected. Thought it would be crazier. Met back up with the guys before they headed to Gameboi. Last thing Vivi, Olivia, and I did on Saturday night was eat dinner at King of Thai. Great food.
Vivi and I got back to the hotel a little after midnight. Cleaned up and got ready for bed. I had some Smirnoff Ice, Sour Apple Bite. Tasty. We were lying on the bed, talking for a while.
It was a good day and night up until that point.
After that, various conversations in which Vivi and I partook changed the atmosphere of our weekend. A lot of anger, sadness, resentment, and other negative states culminated in a tense early Sunday morning. Two instances of a friend storming out of the room. The first time, Vivi and I took after our friend. The second time, we didn't know what to do. So everyone in the room just stayed in and waited. There were few if any constructive conversations, which made me really sad. It was also difficult to watch my friends be hurt and hurt each other in whatever way they did. I didn't know what to do, except to lie in bed, wait, and watch.
Oh, we had two extra guests in the room, which did not take anything away from the tension. Instead, they probably added to it.
No one slept before 4 or 5 in the morning. I stayed awake much of the morning because I couldn't get to sleep until the sun started to come up. Awoke at 8:15 and stayed up listening to my iPod and just thinking about my friends. I texted a few friends, whom I had planned to meet with during the parade, to tell them I couldn't hang out with them. I felt sad to do that, but I was in no mood nor did I have the energy to go searching for more friends. I hate canceling on people, but I didn't think it would be right for me to bring them down with my mood. Seriously, I was so unhappy...
Morning was relatively quiet. Strained conversation. A friend's quick departure to the festival.
The rest of us took our time to get ready and to check out of the room. Went to eat breakfast/lunch at King of Thai. Then went to the festival. Met up with two friends for a short while. Then headed to the API stage. Saw Brian D and Trung N there (long time, no see). Didn't get to catch up, and don't know when we will have an opportunity to do so. Spent the next 1.5 hours near the API stage. Some good and bad singing. Great dance performances. Frustrations and impatience increased while we were here. Then we all decided to go home.
BARTing home. Crowded. Cramped. But quick. Unhappy energy. I fell asleep because of the lack of sleep I had.
This weekend was supposed to help me de-stress after the week I've had. Though, when I had gone to Matt's place to sleep over Friday night, I didn't really feel like going anymore. But I went because we had all made plans to go together, and I didn't want to throw a wrench into that just because I wasn't happy about my week. Saturday was worth it. I got rid of a lot of stress and gained some wonderful memories. Sunday, beginning sometime after midnight, distressed me more than it helped me de-stress. All the tension that I felt slip away a little on Saturday came back threefold on Sunday. The tension ebbed and flowed Sunday, but it was constantly there.
There was a lot of good this weekend, but I feel like today was too much for me. I focused on the good when I could. But the bad just kept poking its head in. Being surrounded by thousands of people did not help me. I could feel my anxiety increase throughout the day...
Now I'm home. I'm tired. My brain is functioning well below normal capacity. The tight feeling in my chest isn't tightening, but it hasn't disappeared.
I hope my friends can find their peace. Even if just a little bit. Some peace would be better than none.
I started off this weekend really only worried about one friend/person. It's ending with me worried about at least two more. And I'm still trying to remember that I can't change my friends' lives. I can only give what I can in terms of observation, support, encouraging words, constructive advice, and realistic viewpoints.
I still wish people could at least try to talk to each other openly, honestly, and without prejudice. It's difficult, but it often gets you somewhere. Shutting people out and avoiding confrontation hurts everyone involved.
But we can't change people. We can't make them act or think differently just because we want them to. But that doesn't mean we can't tell them what we think or believe. How they take what we say depends on them. Hopefully, it's with an open mind.
What I feel right now is unhappiness. Helplessness. Worry. But also some hope that things will get better. Even if they don't, I have to remember life goes on and we go on with it. I'm still learning not to dwell. Still learning to let go. Still learning to move on. I hope I'm getting better at these.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Another friendship on hold.
My self-care went out the window this week. I only ate a small breakfast yesterday. I ignored my hunger because I didn't feel like eating. Ugh. I think I'm in a depression again.
I feel a little better today though. Eating breakfast didn't make me feel sick.
I'm struggling between being in a good place and a not-so-good place. Good place because I'm fulfilling my resolution of being more honest. Bad place because doing so meant I'd hurt someone else.
I'm fighting the urge to just keep things to myself again. Just to save other people's feelings.
I don't want to hurt other people, but I don't want to be hurt either. I used to just take the hurt that my friends caused me because I thought my hurt wasn't a big deal and I didn't want to make my friends feel bad. But that meant they'd do it again because they wouldn't know or acknowledge that what they said or did hurt me. Gradually, I'd just be used to it and ignore its damage. Now, I don't even remember what my friends said or did that hurt me.
This feels like a battle between caring about myself and caring about my friends.
I didn't want to make her feel bad or guilty. I just wanted her to know what I was thinking and feeling. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have changed what I said. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Because she's feeling like shit because I had to tell her she hurt me.
Why couldn't I just let it go?
Why can't I let this situation go now?
I don't want to lose a friend. I can understand friends growing apart. But I don't want to lose a friend this way. When we haven't tried to resolve anything. The problem's been presented. Now we're not solving it. I want us to talk and solve it. I don't want to leave the problem there and never deal with it. I used to do that. I don't want to do that anymore. Why is she making us do that?
Ugh. Why am I blaming her? I'm antagonizing her.
I hope I don't build up resentment toward her for not dealing with this with me. Shutting me out and feeling shitty doesn't make anything better. Makes me feel worse than I originally did. Doesn't help her feel better. Her Facebook statuses let me know she's feeling shitty and has no one to talk to. All I can do is think to myself that I still want to be there for her. But I can't talk to her. She wants time and space to think. But she's not sure she'll ever talk to me again.
I hope our friendship resumes and gets better.
I wonder what I've done wrong. Because if I did something better, maybe she'd talk to me.
I feel a little better today though. Eating breakfast didn't make me feel sick.
I'm struggling between being in a good place and a not-so-good place. Good place because I'm fulfilling my resolution of being more honest. Bad place because doing so meant I'd hurt someone else.
I'm fighting the urge to just keep things to myself again. Just to save other people's feelings.
I don't want to hurt other people, but I don't want to be hurt either. I used to just take the hurt that my friends caused me because I thought my hurt wasn't a big deal and I didn't want to make my friends feel bad. But that meant they'd do it again because they wouldn't know or acknowledge that what they said or did hurt me. Gradually, I'd just be used to it and ignore its damage. Now, I don't even remember what my friends said or did that hurt me.
This feels like a battle between caring about myself and caring about my friends.
I didn't want to make her feel bad or guilty. I just wanted her to know what I was thinking and feeling. Maybe I should have waited. Maybe I should have changed what I said. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything. Because she's feeling like shit because I had to tell her she hurt me.
Why couldn't I just let it go?
Why can't I let this situation go now?
I don't want to lose a friend. I can understand friends growing apart. But I don't want to lose a friend this way. When we haven't tried to resolve anything. The problem's been presented. Now we're not solving it. I want us to talk and solve it. I don't want to leave the problem there and never deal with it. I used to do that. I don't want to do that anymore. Why is she making us do that?
Ugh. Why am I blaming her? I'm antagonizing her.
I hope I don't build up resentment toward her for not dealing with this with me. Shutting me out and feeling shitty doesn't make anything better. Makes me feel worse than I originally did. Doesn't help her feel better. Her Facebook statuses let me know she's feeling shitty and has no one to talk to. All I can do is think to myself that I still want to be there for her. But I can't talk to her. She wants time and space to think. But she's not sure she'll ever talk to me again.
I hope our friendship resumes and gets better.
I wonder what I've done wrong. Because if I did something better, maybe she'd talk to me.
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